Arabella Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I posted a few weeks ago about a LD relationship I have been involved in for a few months now. We met on the Internet and quickly developed very deep feelings for each other, even though we hadn't met. We had issues because he is an emotionally unstable condition right now due to a number of mental issues (which I originally believed to be only ADHD but turned out to be much more) that have worsened over the past couple of months. The original thread is here. Although I stopped reporting on the situation, it continued to worsen and he finally revealed the full extent of his condition. We met for first time last week. Despite my worst fears, everything went perfect. It felt a little awkward for the first few hours but we hit it off really well. We spent the first two days together, and it was amazing. Even though we were a bit shy in the beginning, we were really enjoying the physical closeness, being able to hug each other and it felt right. My stay was supposed to last five days and he was going to take days off work so he could spend them with me. The third day something went wrong, and the person that was supposed to cover for him at work got sick so we couldn't spend it together. Because he lives with his parents and due to his mental issues, and compounded with my being there... it caused both of us a great deal of distress. Everything went downhill from there. I saw him briefly that night, and we didn't part on good terms because I stated how incredibly exhausted of the situation I was, and he took it to mean we were over. This caused him to avoid me for the remainder of my stay as he did not want to confront the situation (typical for him). The night before I left, he finally texted me saying that he couldn't do it anymore. I accepted his decision and that was that. He agreed to give me a ride to the airport the following morning. We talked for a little while and I asked him if he had meant what he said. He stated that he simply couldn't be in a relationship at the moment, to which I agreed. Over the past few months it has become clearly apparent that he does not have the capacity to do so. This is not typical of him, however, as I know that prior to me he had had several long-term relationships (before his mental conditions developed and became an issue). Upon asking him if he didn't want to be with me anymore or did not love me, he said that it wasn't it, but he thought that breaking up would be easier for me than waiting for him to get better. At this point I suggested that we take a step back and try to keep in touch and see what happens, so our relationship can finally have a shot if things get better for him. We both agreed we didn't want to lose each other. He took me to the airport, we hugged, and we kissed for first and last time. He had to go as he had class that morning (which I wasn't even aware of...) but we kept texting back and forth for a bit. I asked him if he wished to end the commitment to each other during this time and he said no. This was last Tuesday. I got back and the contact with him was spotty at best. The first couple of days we texted for a bit and everything seemed fine, although he was somewhat distant. He told me how much he missed me a couple of times, and I tried not to overwhelm him with "us" talk as I could tell that he was having trouble coping with his new schedule of full time classes and full time work. Friday, there was no contact whatsoever from him. This is very unusual (first time it's happened) so I got worried and I sent him several texts asking him to let me know he was alright. He texted me late at night saying that he had left his phone at home. I texted him back and he never responded. That was the last time I heard from him. It's Sunday night and I have left a number of voicemails (just saying sweet nothings for the most part) and text messages that he hasn't responded to. Now, he is deeply depressed and I know that sometimes he deals with that by shutting out everybody and focusing on his daily life obligations. I begged him to tell me if he had changed his mind and he wanted to simply break up, that I would understand and move on. He did not respond to this. At this point, I don't know what to think. He is the ultimate conflict avoider and it's very difficult for him to say things that will cause strife or put him in an uncomfortable situation. At the same time, though, he has always told me what he wanted in regards to us even if it took a little prodding. If this was anyone else, I'd give him a week and then cut my losses and move on, because I would think he changed his mind or didn't have enough interest to begin with. But him... I know him well enough to know that this behavior does not necessarily mean either. Sometimes it just means he cannot cope and something needs to give. The most emotionally taxing parts of his life are first to go. That is usually friends and myself. He's done it before - although he has never cut off contact entirely with me like this before. So knowing this, I'm not entirely sure what to do. I'm leaving him a voicemail every night just telling him that I miss him & love him and I hope he's doing alright, reminding him that I'm here whenever he wants to talk and what not. I guess I just figure that if he's dealing with one of his depressive episodes, he might like hearing that even if he's not capable of responding. But at the same time, it hurts not knowing what is truly going on in his mind. If he has changed his mind and wants a permanent break-up... I'll get over it. I just want to know so I can start healing. The limbo is killing me. Anyone has any thoughts on my situation or suggestions on how to proceed? I'd appreciate any support or insight anyone has to give. Arabella
Lish Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Nah nah. You need to start your healing now. It's great he has someone to care about him like you, but if he don't wanna talk, then sadly he just wont. You can't wait around indefinitely for him. I also think leaving voicemails is having the opposite effect you want it to have. He may be feeling very crowded and needs to be on his own. Personally hunny, it's great that you care, really, but I think you need to back off a bit. Let him know you'll be there for him if he needs support but you need to either simply ask him for an answer, or just start living your life again. Good luck
Author Arabella Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 I guess you're right. I didn't think that the voicemails may be having the opposite effect but it does make sense. I know that sometimes he doesn't even listen to them if we've had an argument or something for fear that they will contain negative emotions he cannot deal with, although they rarely do. What kills me is that he was very specific and said no when I asked him point blank if he wanted to end it entirely. I even asked if he wanted us to just keep in touch but otherwise end the commitment so we could explore other opportunities as we see fit. He again said no. I even called him a few days ago, Thursday, and he picked up even though he was busy at work (which normally he wouldn't do), to tell me he couldn't talk at the moment but didn't want me to think he was ignoring me. Prior to me, he was in another long-distance relationship with a girl who went MIA on him for weeks at a time on several occasions. We were friends when it happened and I tried to be supportive during that time, but I saw how much pain he went through. He is well aware of the anguish this causes to the other person. So why would he do this to me now? A mere few days ago he still claimed to love me and miss me... Arabella
Author Arabella Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 So here is what I decided to do for now... I left him one last voicemail saying that I'm going to cease to contact him because I don't want to make him feel crowded but that, at least for the time being, I'm going to keep believing what we agreed on is what he still wants and I'll be here when he decides he wants to talk to me. I'm not sure if this is the right choice or not... but what I do know is that he's going through a very difficult period of his life and that he genuinely loved me, he just couldn't handle the relationship right now. I have never met anyone with whom I clicked so well in every aspect, despite everything we've gone through, and I feel it would be foolish to give that up if it can still be saved by having a little patience. So, I'll wait for a bit and see what happens. I'm not going to keep wallowing in misery like I have over the past few days as I was trying to sort all this out in my head. But, I'm not ready to let go just yet. If he makes not attempt to contact me over the next few weeks then I guess I'll just have to surrender to the evidence and move on for good Arabella
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