Im married, he's married...

[Owl]

We ahve been friends for a long time before we got to this A; the pregnant W is unfortunate-but I have known many men who cheat when their spouse/SO is pregnant-it happens more than people think. Is it right? NO, but an A is never right, regardless of the circumstances.

 

Does this make it ok in your case then? Does this give you a "free pass" to go ahead and do it as well? Why bring this up, unless you see is as a justification and rationalization for doing it yourself?

 

If you know something is wrong...and you do it anyway..."just because everyone else does it" went out as a valid excuse for bad behaviors somewhere around age 5, as I recall.

 

 

Yes, there will be hurt for just about all involved-I have never truly known any marraige where infidelity either EA or PA was not an issue. It is pervasive and sad...and anyone who is feeling holier than thou, should not-I didn't look for this to happen, in fact if someone told me this would occur I would have thought they were crazy. But I'm in it now, so there has to be a resolution somehow

 

Again, so others have been hurt...does that make YOU participating in the hurt and deception of someone acceptable/ok/right?

 

Does this truly justify YOU being party to doing it as well?

 

You're right, there has to be a resolution...and it's up to YOU to decide what kind of person you are...what your morals and character consist of...and decide what to do from here.

 

What you do demonstrates what kind of person you are.

 

How you resolve this will teach you a lot about your own personality and character.

 

What do you think you'll learn about yourself from all of this?

[fooled once]

We ahve been friends for a long time before we got to this A; the pregnant W is unfortunate-but I have known many men who cheat when their spouse/SO is pregnant-it happens more than people think. Is it right? NO, but an A is never right, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, there will be hurt for just about all involved-I have never truly known any marraige where infidelity either EA or PA was not an issue. It is pervasive and sad...and anyone who is feeling holier than thou, should not-I didn't look for this to happen, in fact if someone told me this would occur I would have thought they were crazy. But I'm in it now, so there has to be a resolution somehow

 

 

Really? How sad.

 

And now you can say you know of someone who was married twice (divorced my ex due to abuse and alcohol and am currently remarried) and there was NO PA or EA in my first marriage NOR in my current marriage.

 

It does happen -- much more frequently than you think. Some people honor their vows and if tempted to stray, actually DIVORCE before doing so.

[Dexter Morgan]

One month into this EA/PA, feelings are hot and heavy-and so is the physical passion; both are married, with families...he has a new arrival due any day.

He said he loves me-but doesn't want to "lose" his kids (feels if he leaves W she will move out of state). I am happy to continue status quo-but I know I will want and expect more soon...I don't even know what I am asking for by posting here, only that my range of emotions is staggering, and I am utterly confused and feeling out of control; when we are together it's great, but when we are apart, my emotions are a roller coaster. Oh, and we work together (same company, differnt dept.'s).

I don't want it to end, but I'm not sure where I want it to go...

The thought og NC scares me-I don't think I am strong enought to do that...I don't want to do that, although it would be the right thing

 

why don't you do right by your husband and get a divorce and free him from you?

[Dexter Morgan]

Horrible...but I justify by feeling that I don't owe HER anything-it's his deal, not mine

 

you don't owe her anything? how about plain old common human decency?

 

but that aside, you DO owe your husband. So divorce him. he is better off without you.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don;t think i am strong enough to face everyone-if i had any strength i wouldn't have started this I think. The lust part is correct- I have never experienced a passion like this-the sex is phenomenal; he's 13 years younger and we have amazing chemistry. Do I want to lose it all-NO; will I? Most likely, and I can't for the life of me determine why.

 

Here is the kicker. You won't lose it all. You are the mother. No matter how despicable your actions, YOU will get custody if you want it(unless you are a drug user or beat your kids, or something on those lines). YOU will get child support and half the marital assets.

 

It is your husband that will lose and get to suffer for your selfish wants. he will have to pay for the "privilege" of not being with his children on a daily basis. It is your husband that will lose. As crappy as that is, its the truth.

 

So really, you have nothing to lose. Your husband will be the one to suffer and pay for your actions. So why wouldn't you just get a divorce? Really...what is stopping you?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You said that you don't feel that you owe his wife anything. I can promise you that when she finds out that she will feel that she owes you something for interfering in her life. Probably something that will affect you and your kids and husband, that would be fair, right.

 

This is a fantasy that you are entertaining. What good could possibly come if this?? I understand that it makes you feel alive, but to what end. Only heartache and hurt can come to your families, and neither of you have any intention on making any decisions to leave your spouses and the affair can't actually go on like this forever. So, what then??? You'll worry about it when it happens?

 

If this affair is what you need to make you feel so alive, then it will also have the capacity to make you want to die. You only think you were unhappy with the mundane, compared to how you'll feel when this thing blows up in your face.

 

Get some counseling.

 

You know everyday we depend on the good sense of strangers, people who don't owe us anything. Does the guy behind you in that semi have working brakes? Do the parents in your kids class send their kids to school knowing that they have contagious diseases? Everyday we rely on strangers to have good sense and enough courtesy to do right by us, and hope they don't have an "I don't owe anyone anthing" attitude.

 

Yet you have a very good idea of the damage you could do to your own family as well as this man who makes you feel alive's family. I guess you don't owe your own family anything as well.

[seibert253]

I know I have to do it-and I know what is missing form my marriage-I am enteraining avoidance at this point, because i know the end result will not be pleasant. I don't want my husband ever finding out. Ever

 

If you know what's missing from your marriage, why don't you do something to fix this? But, instead you chose to seek what's missing from somewhere else. Alas, the mistakes we make.

 

Well, you'll never truely get what you lack in your marriage unless your husband knows what's lacking. Problem is, the air will never be cleared unless he knows EVERYTHING. Are you willing to walk up that hill, or do you wish just to continue to live your lies.

 

Choose wisely.

[OpenBook]

He said he loves me-but doesn't want to "lose" his kids (feels if he leaves W she will move out of state). I am happy to continue status quo-but I know I will want and expect more soon...

 

Then good luck with the continuation of his "I love you" declarations when you start clueing him in on your increasing expectations of him. It's amazing how those "love" feelings disappear so completely from a man's heart, the minute his giving-without-expectations Love Goddess suddenly starts demanding things from him.

 

You are heading into a world of pain for yourself. And (something I don't think anyone's mentioned yet) your job is in great jeopardy. If you think no one knows about your affair at work, you are only deluding yourself. Trust me, they know! This has an insidious way of ruining your professional reputation, like a slow-working poison. And in this economy, it's certifiable insanity to deliberately engage in behavior that jeopardizes your job.

 

What are you doing to yourself??!? Stop it, now!!! Save yourself while you still can.

[Phateless]

Horrible...but I justify by feeling that I don't owe HER anything-it's his deal, not mine

 

You do owe her something. You owe her the same respect that you would hope any other woman would pay to you when looking at your husband. When I was single I turned down sex because I knew the girl still had a bf, despite her being very clear with me that she was going to end it anyway. It just didn't feel like the right thing to do. I went home, jacked off, and was instantly proud of myself for sticking to my guns.

 

I believe in empathy and reciprocity. Don't you?

[whichwayisup]

Please really take-in what everyone is telling you. STOP listening to your heart, hormones and start distancing yourself, get the blinders off,affairyland fog mindset to reality.

 

Innocent lives are going to be ruined, all for such selfish and self serving reasons. This is cake eating at it's best.

 

Be prepared to face the heat when it comes your way, and it will ... You think you're hurting now, just wait until you deal with your husband, have to see his pain, the look in his eyes, the loss of trust and faith he once had in you - GONE. Things will never be the same again.. But, if you're lucky and if your husband is a special breed of a man, he'll take you back, give you a chance to make it right again. Problem is, even if that happened, I'm not too sure you would truly give yourself back to your H.

 

Think about counselling and soon. It's something that could save your life.

[Davnnic]

Here is the kicker. You won't lose it all. You are the mother. No matter how despicable your actions, YOU will get custody if you want it(unless you are a drug user or beat your kids, or something on those lines). YOU will get child support and half the marital assets.

 

It is your husband that will lose and get to suffer for your selfish wants. he will have to pay for the "privilege" of not being with his children on a daily basis. It is your husband that will lose. As crappy as that is, its the truth.

 

So really, you have nothing to lose. Your husband will be the one to suffer and pay for your actions. So why wouldn't you just get a divorce? Really...what is stopping you?

I am the one who works and provides for my family-my mH does not; so I will be paying alimony...thanks anyway, he can get a job. I work my ass off, thank you very much, so I don't see what you are getting at. Oh, and the house is in my name too...bought prior to the marriage, so you are way off base, sorry you don't know it all-get back on your high horse though, the view must be good from up there

[Davnnic]

Then good luck with the continuation of his "I love you" declarations when you start clueing him in on your increasing expectations of him. It's amazing how those "love" feelings disappear so completely from a man's heart, the minute his giving-without-expectations Love Goddess suddenly starts demanding things from him.

 

You are heading into a world of pain for yourself. And (something I don't think anyone's mentioned yet) your job is in great jeopardy. If you think no one knows about your affair at work, you are only deluding yourself. Trust me, they know! This has an insidious way of ruining your professional reputation, like a slow-working poison. And in this economy, it's certifiable insanity to deliberately engage in behavior that jeopardizes your job.

 

What are you doing to yourself??!? Stop it, now!!! Save yourself while you still can.

 

I have not responded with the "I love you"-he opened that can of worms, not me...

[Trimmer]

How does that make you feel?

 

Horrible...but I justify by feeling that I don't owe HER anything-it's his deal, not mine

OK, not that I agree as a matter of philosophy, but let's say that we accept that you don't feel you owe her anything; that you have no standing to owe her anything, no opinion of her, since your relationship is not with her. (Again, not my stance, but we'll take that as a given.)

 

Then you must have an impression, an opinion of this man (your MM) then - the one that you do have a relationship with. What do you think of him, as a man, as a relationship partner, as a human being, given his behavior in the context of his marriage and his family, here and yet-to-be-born? You may be putting on giant, opaque blinders to that, but can you really separate your feelings for him from the person that you see him to be, or the person you would see, if you could see him honestly?

 

I know that this is where the "everybody does it, and lots of men do it when their wives are pregnant..." rationale comes from. But even as you say it, you know that isn't an excuse. What would you really see, I wonder, if you could look at this man without your blinders on?

 

I am happy to continue status quo-but I know I will want and expect more soon...

This is a contradiction, you realize...

 

He said he loves me

I have not responded with the "I love you"-he opened that can of worms, not me...

In a kind of a twist on an oft-used but hated phrase, I wonder if he "loves you" but he's not "in love with you..."

 

I don't want it to end...

Well, that's going to be your first obstacle, right there.

 

Question: What do you believe are the chances that your affair (whether you stop it now, or later...) will continue to go undetected by all parties affected? That's not rhetorical: I'm honestly curious as to your state of mind - do you truly believe it will go undetected, be kept a secret now and forever? Or do you have some inkling, a realization - or even an acceptance - that its pretty likely that someone, at some point, on one side or the other, is going to figure something out?

 

I'm just curious to try to understand where your anguish and confusion is coming from - are you pretty much just dealing with your own feelings of right/wrong/guilt/morality, assuming that this will stay secret, and will remain your own burden to bear? Or are you also starting to feel the inevitable weight of the effect of this on those around the two of you - the effects that it is already having (distancing youselves from your own spouses and children, the unconscious confusion and anguish that burdens them with, your spending your emotional energy elsewhere, and being less available to your own family, etc.) and the horrendous effects that will occur once it is revealed...

 

And finally, I alluded to this above, but like a few other posters on here, my thoughts often go to the children. I'll assume you don't care about his, as with your approach to his wife: "that's his deal, not yours..." But what about your own children? Who speaks for them?

 

I'm going to take a wild guess that you don't go screaming down the highway with your kids unbuckled in the car, justifying it with "Well, I'm really really sure I won't have an accident..." I bet you believe you'd do anything to protect them and keep them safe.

 

But really: take a look at your situation. Honestly press the Fast Forward button and think about how this plays out. Irrespective of your ability to convince yourself that "everyone does it" and that you don't have any responsibility to your MM's family... For the sake of your own children, don't you have to acknowledge that you've already pulled onto the highway, and sped up without seatbelts on, and that you don't completely control whether an "accident" is ahead of you?

 

Don't you have to acknowledge the reasonable chance that this will all come out in the open (I happen to think it's a pretty high probability, but I don't want to oversell it and lose credibility with you...), and then following that thread forward, how does that play out in your children's lives? Isn't that "your deal?"

[Davnnic]

Trimmer-you have hit on a lot of things that are going through my mind. I am hating this roller coaster of feelings-all dependent on the words and actions of another-I am feeling foolish for letting that get the best of me. I want to regain control of the situation, and know that I have to end it. I have a hard time using my head over my heart- and my heart is heavy and aching now. I don;t know if I am strong enough to do it (end the A).

 

To answer ayour question on what kind of man I think he is-I honestly never thought of that-and thinking of it now doesn't make me feel good. About him or me...

And I do think of his kids...as well as mine, but I somehow foolishly feel that in the long run, we will all be ok...

[bentnotbroken]

Trimmer-you have hit on a lot of things that are going through my mind. I am hating this roller coaster of feelings-all dependent on the words and actions of another-I am feeling foolish for letting that get the best of me. I want to regain control of the situation, and know that I have to end it. I have a hard time using my head over my heart- and my heart is heavy and aching now. I don;t know if I am strong enough to do it (end the A).

 

To answer ayour question on what kind of man I think he is-I honestly never thought of that-and thinking of it now doesn't make me feel good. About him or me...

And I do think of his kids...as well as mine, but I somehow foolishly feel that in the long run, we will all be ok...

 

 

 

In the end they maybe okay. I have watched my kids suffer.... it wasn't necessary. They are getting better everday, but again at the hands of 2 other people, they had to do deal with things outside the realm of normal growing up. That's a lot to put children through in hopes they turn out okay in the end.

[foreal]

And I do think of his kids...as well as mine, but I somehow foolishly feel that in the long run, we will all be ok...I have a hard time using my head over my heart- and my heart is heavy and aching now. I don;t know if I am strong enough to do it (end the A).

 

Geezus, if this is what thinking of your kids looks like...hopefully you will find the stregnth to do what is right by them. If not, no worries- there's a student in college studying psychology right now preparing for them to be a client one day.

[AlexaBlue]

I don't judge (have no right to after what I have done) but would like to offer some helpful insight:

 

I have lived your situation. I was married and he was engaged to be married (after a previous divorce) and our A went on for over 10 years ending finally in April of this year (I ended it). We also worked together - he was an executive at the company and when our A was revealed I was paid a lot of money to leave the company quietly. I lost my job, many friends and the respect of my colleagues.

 

Our spouses found out too -

MM broke off his engagement and moved out but within a few short months had rekindled his relationship with BS and though he still does not live with her he is seeing her (still maintaining that I am the one he "really" loves)

My H was devastated and we are still living in an unhappy marriage which has been held together for 2 children but will never be the same and I am not sure can be salvaged.

 

Our lives have been completely devastated. I am still in incredible pain 5 months post A.

 

I can honestly say that it was the biggest mistake of my life and I'd give my right arm to take it all back.

 

Oh what I'd give to know then what I know now.

 

The problem is that I don't know if what anybody here is trying to tell you is going to make any difference - I know what you're feeling and it can be intense - all we can do is try.

 

Try to look down the road and Do the right thing.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer-you have hit on a lot of things that are going through my mind. I am hating this roller coaster of feelings-all dependent on the words and actions of another-I am feeling foolish for letting that get the best of me. I want to regain control of the situation, and know that I have to end it. I have a hard time using my head over my heart- and my heart is heavy and aching now. I don;t know if I am strong enough to do it (end the A).

 

To answer ayour question on what kind of man I think he is-I honestly never thought of that-and thinking of it now doesn't make me feel good. About him or me...

And I do think of his kids...as well as mine, but I somehow foolishly feel that in the long run, we will all be ok...

I think you can be OK, but it's not guaranteed for everyone, as there will be trauma. It will take time and hard work to recover, and you can't know what your life is going to look like after the recovery.

 

Good luck...

[Holding-On]

OP

You may find effective help if you go to TOW (gloryb) and go to the endings section in the forums. They have a lot of advice, support and been there done that experience. There are entire threads on weaning yourself off an affair, pitfalls, and the back and forth that happens when you are ending something intense like this. They will discuss LC (limiting contact) so that you can get to NC, stuff like that.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am the one who works and provides for my family-my mH does not; so I will be paying alimony

 

Alimony, don't think so. Although it does happen, its pretty much a thing of the past...at least where I am...thank god.

 

And if he is a stay at home dad...well hmmmm...maybe he could get custody. We can only hope.

 

 

I work my ass off, thank you very much, so I don't see what you are getting at.

 

you don't get a medal for working your ass off. If you and your husband worked, then you'd get custody and child support.

 

But now that we know he stays home with the kids, he probably might get custody. That is the only other scenario, other than an abusive or drug addicted mother, where the father can get custody even if the mother contests it.

 

 

Oh, and the house is in my name too...bought prior to the marriage, so you are way off base, sorry you don't know it all-get back on your high horse though, the view must be good from up there

 

LOL, well with your attitude here, its not hard to see why you are a cheater. No high horse. One doesn't have to bring morality or a "high horse" into a discussion when someone is doing something as despicable as you.

 

Ok, so the house is in your name. Good for you. So basically you are worried about money and that is the only reason stopping you from getting a divorce and sparing this poor guy the hell that it must be to have a wife, whether he knows it or not, that is cheating.

 

Sorry, but cry us a river if you think you have alot to lose. I pay child support, I don't get to be with my kids on a daily basis. I lost. And for what? Because I had a cheating wife. But life is good now that she is no longer in it. The money I paid an attorney, and the portion of my retirement she got(which wasn't much actually) were all WORTH IT!!

 

So is that it? You are afraid he will get custody and 1/2 the "marital" assets? Otherwise, what is stopping you from divorce? You really don't want to answer that question do you?