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Need with boundaries - how offensive are these offenses?

So Lonely

By So Lonely
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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So Lonely New Member

So Lonely

Posted
Posted

I'm annoyed, angry, hurt. Here are my gripes:

 

1) on a recent trip to another state my husband arranged to meet is old girlfriend without telling me (i'm not sure what happened...maybe dinner maybe sex- who knows)

 

2) my husband works out with a group of mostly women (about 15-20) every evening. There is one who is unhappily married who he finds charming. I don't trust her - i know he told her that he is unhappy in his marriage. He often goes out for coffee with these women. He hasn't invited me to go out for coffee in several decades.

 

3) my husband is in touch with all of his old girlfriends. he has all of their love letters filed away in neat little folders in a box on the garage. he treats these letters like treasures

 

4) my husband is emotionally disengaged (perhaps because i am too because i don't trust him)

 

5) my husband went to yoga with his women friends (see #2) without telling me while i stayed home with the kids

 

6) my husband complained about me to yet another ex girlfriend. they joked about getting together and having sex

 

i'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point. he wants more sex which i'm not opposed to but i don't feel respected nor do i feel like i'm in a warm, safe and supportive relationship

 

ugh.

 

thoughts?

annieo Established Member

annieo

Posted
Posted
I'm annoyed, angry, hurt. Here are my gripes:

 

1) on a recent trip to another state my husband arranged to meet is old girlfriend without telling me (i'm not sure what happened...maybe dinner maybe sex- who knows)

 

2) my husband works out with a group of mostly women (about 15-20) every evening. There is one who is unhappily married who he finds charming. I don't trust her - i know he told her that he is unhappy in his marriage. He often goes out for coffee with these women. He hasn't invited me to go out for coffee in several decades.

 

3) my husband is in touch with all of his old girlfriends. he has all of their love letters filed away in neat little folders in a box on the garage. he treats these letters like treasures

 

4) my husband is emotionally disengaged (perhaps because i am too because i don't trust him)

 

5) my husband went to yoga with his women friends (see #2) without telling me while i stayed home with the kids

 

6) my husband complained about me to yet another ex girlfriend. they joked about getting together and having sex

 

i'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point. he wants more sex which i'm not opposed to but i don't feel respected nor do i feel like i'm in a warm, safe and supportive relationship

 

ugh.

 

thoughts?

 

1) totally offensive. why didn't he tell you? how did you find out?

2) ok until the part where he is complaining about his marriage and he finds her charming...again, how did you find out?

3) a bit anal, but if this was the only thing, I'd let it pass

4) again, vague, could be a subjective thing

5) yoga? really? with his female posse? hmmm ... and here I go again, how did you find out?

6) totally offensive, and at the risk of repeating myself, how did you find out?

 

I'd be seriously suspicious, but I really want to know how you found out about all of this supposedly covert behavior.

And yes, a lot of it, offensive at the least.

Enema Established Member

Enema

Posted
Posted

Wow, well if he's not actively cheating, he's sure as hell trying his best to get there!

 

The question is: armed with the knowledge that he is trying to cheat - what are you going to do about it?

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

all of it is offensive. why don't you put your foot down?

 

i am wondering... what is it that makes it appealing to stay married to such a man?

MSUE Established Member

MSUE

Posted
Posted

your marriage is doomed...sorry to say...but clearly is everything but a marriage

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I'm annoyed, angry, hurt.

What conversation have you had with him about these items in general and #1 in paticular?

 

Mr. Lucky

Neutrino Established Member

Neutrino

Posted
Posted
Unfortunately, love. :( Been there, got a t-shirt.

 

How can you love someone who treats you this way ? Or is it self hatred ?

 

Isn't some kind of immune system supposed to kick in ?

 

Leave him immediately - no point even having a conversation more than once. He told a 3rd party he was unhappy with your marriage - which in my eyes is already a betrail of trust. Life is too short.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Why are you beginning this new thread when the old one is still active?

 

you have to understand that our perspective is going to be the same,and you could have added all these comments to thread #1....

 

Any reason why you haven't gone back to that one?

Just curious.....

MSUE Established Member

MSUE

Posted
Posted
I'm annoyed, angry, hurt. Here are my gripes:

 

1) on a recent trip to another state my husband arranged to meet is old girlfriend without telling me (i'm not sure what happened...maybe dinner maybe sex- who knows)

 

 

2) my husband works out with a group of mostly women (about 15-20) every evening. There is one who is unhappily married who he finds charming. I don't trust her - i know he told her that he is unhappy in his marriage. He often goes out for coffee with these women. He hasn't invited me to go out for coffee in several decades.

 

3) my husband is in touch with all of his old girlfriends. he has all of their love letters filed away in neat little folders in a box on the garage. he treats these letters like treasures

 

4) my husband is emotionally disengaged (perhaps because i am too because i don't trust him)

 

5) my husband went to yoga with his women friends (see #2) without telling me while i stayed home with the kids

 

6) my husband complained about me to yet another ex girlfriend. they joked about getting together and having sex

 

i'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point. he wants more sex which i'm not opposed to but i don't feel respected nor do i feel like i'm in a warm, safe and supportive relationship

 

ugh.

 

thoughts?

 

#1 ok I find this a bit disturbing...I mean I remain friends with my XH and see him occasionally...however its not on my BF's back...we share custody of one of the dogs...and I have nothing to hide...hiding this from you is a red flag...either he was up to no good or knew that you'd threw a tantrum over it and didn't want to hear it

 

#2 so she finds him charming its just a compliment...you don't trust her? truthfully is your husband you should worry about...its him who you shouldn't trust

 

him sharing that he is unhappy in the marriage ...does it get any more more clear than that? seriously that's the bottom line and you shouldn't stay in such so called marriage as you have the right to be loved and cared for and so does he and if you can't achieve that with one another...which is clearly the case...I see no logical reason to remain this man's W

 

coffee ...if he doesn't invite you then maybe you should invite him...it is a two way street you know

 

 

#3 I huge percentage of people hold on to such letters...after are they are just memories...but keeping in touch with every single one of these women? not sure about that one...I'd be very upset at my BF

 

#4 hmmm. not sure what to say about this one I mean clearly he's unhappy in the marriage...therefor emotionally disengaged

 

#5 here we go again...don't you get it by now?...he has now interest in you anymore whatsoever...

 

#6 this isn't even a tasteful joke...this is horrible thing to say to anyone...it is uncalled for...makes me sick to my stomach...I feel so sad for you

 

 

MOVE ON...its not going to get any better...

seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
Posted

Red Flags waiving all over the place.

 

Ultimatium/Smack down time needed.

 

Draw your line in the sand. What's acceptable to you, and what's not. Personnally I think everything you outlined is wrong and unacceptable.

LolitaVida Member

LolitaVida

Posted
Posted

I am sorry to say this but from what I read, your husband doesn't seem to respect or love you. There is no justification for him meeting his ex behind your back and anything that went on imo doesn't matter. what matters is that whatever he was doing with her, he didn't want you to find out because it was wrong. Why is he keeping touch and letters if not to sleep with them at any given chance? and why would you allow him to be in a "workout club" with 20 women???

angie2443 Established Member

angie2443

Posted
Posted
your marriage is doomed...sorry to say...but clearly is everything but a marriage

 

These are hard words to hear, but I think they are true. So Lonely, protect yourself. Start making a game plan now so that if and when you are ready to leave, it will happen a lot more smoothly.

girl68 Established Member

girl68

Posted
Posted

There is so much more going on I suspect.

 

She says, he says he is unhappy. Is he? Why? What have she done to counter his complaints? What has he done to counter his "offenses" (which btw are totally unacceptable)?

 

You guys need help and LS ain't going to cut it.

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted

Just curious. If you asked your husband this question what would he say:

 

If we were having sex at a frequency you were happy with, would you stop having all these interactions with other females?

 

It is a simple question. And it is a totally fair question. Let me put this in a way that may or may not resonate with you. Wife and I dated 1.5 years before marriage. During that time we established some ground rules. One of them was the 5% rule. I told her that I only care about 5% if things, but in that 5% I will be happy, will have my needs met or will be impossible to deal with. As for the other 95%, not indifferent, not apathetic, just infinitely flexible. And yes sex was in my 5%. I told her that freequency needed to be acceptable to me, and that because it was important, if there was anything I was doing in/out of the bedroom that was a turn on - she should let me know and I would attempt to do more of the same - turn off - I would attempt to minimize totally stop doing.

 

During our 20 year marriage she has made the effort to ensure that we have frequent fun sex. And of course - I have held up my end of the bargain.

 

But you know - if she had in any way starved me. And I am not talking about the occassional "I am tired/have a headache/cramps etc", I am talking about a pattern of low frequency/low quality sex. If she had done that I would likely have done everything your man is because I would be thinking that she clearly is not that into me. And so maybe I should meet and mingle and see if I can find someone who really IS into me.

 

I am not saying his behavior - or what mine would have been - is "right" I am just saying that it is likely hard to change except by doing one thing.

 

By the way your wording is interesting. See if you can honestly say this. "If he would stop all this stuff, I would quickly start having sex with him on a frequent basis and I would not make him plead/beg for it"

 

Not splitting hairs. Just saying those are two very different statements.

 

I bet your man would say, "I am doing all this BECAUSE my wife is not respecting my desire for love, intimacy and sex".

 

 

I'm annoyed, angry, hurt. Here are my gripes:

 

1) on a recent trip to another state my husband arranged to meet is old girlfriend without telling me (i'm not sure what happened...maybe dinner maybe sex- who knows)

 

2) my husband works out with a group of mostly women (about 15-20) every evening. There is one who is unhappily married who he finds charming. I don't trust her - i know he told her that he is unhappy in his marriage. He often goes out for coffee with these women. He hasn't invited me to go out for coffee in several decades.

 

3) my husband is in touch with all of his old girlfriends. he has all of their love letters filed away in neat little folders in a box on the garage. he treats these letters like treasures

 

4) my husband is emotionally disengaged (perhaps because i am too because i don't trust him)

 

5) my husband went to yoga with his women friends (see #2) without telling me while i stayed home with the kids

 

6) my husband complained about me to yet another ex girlfriend. they joked about getting together and having sex

 

i'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point. he wants more sex which i'm not opposed to but i don't feel respected nor do i feel like i'm in a warm, safe and supportive relationship

 

ugh.

 

thoughts?

angie2443 Established Member

angie2443

Posted
Posted

OP, before you take anything the previous poster has said to heart, you might want to look at his other posts to understand his concepts of cheating and what bounderies should be or shouldn't be in a marriage.

 

What your husband is doing to you is so sad. Like I said before, please protect yourself. If you won't leave him, at least insist on MC. If he refuses to go, then please leave.

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted

Unless you clarify the sequence of events. Did he suffer sexual starvation for some time before he started acting this way. Or did his behavior come about in response to you rejecting him.

 

You did not make that clear. I truly think that is a key point.

 

If his behavior is in response to a long period of deprivation then he is not going to stop unless you change that. And the end result will be a divorce. I think you know that.

 

If he did this even though your sex life was initially good, then he may not stop no matter what you do.

 

 

OP, before you take anything the previous poster has said to heart, you might want to look at his other posts to understand his concepts of cheating and what bounderies should be or shouldn't be in a marriage.

 

What your husband is doing to you is so sad. Like I said before, please protect yourself. If you won't leave him, at least insist on MC. If he refuses to go, then please leave.

Shoshana Member

Shoshana

Posted
Posted

I find it a little creepy that he's keeping all his love letters from all his former girlfriends. That's a little bizarre. He's been hanging onto these since before you were married, which was... how many years ago? One would think that he would have ditched the letters when you two got married. Why on earth would he want to hang onto them? Is his self-esteem that puny that he needs old letters from old relationships to remind him of his self-worth? Why wouldn't he turn to YOU for that?

 

Counseling!!!!

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

Posted
Posted

Well.. sorry to break the news.. but your husband is cheating.. and he's not even 'hiding' it.. he either wants to get you used to it.. slowly ... or he absolutely doesn't give a 'hoot' about what you think... or he's doing it openly so that you won't believe he's doing it.. something similar to this story:

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!"

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