Email from fiance to his ex

[donnamaybe]

In the letter he was going to send he refers to her as a friend on multiple occassions and seems to have nothing but friendly feelings towards her. She may have other interests and that is something the OP's boyfriend and his ex need to discuss if they want to have a mutual friendship without any other thoughts attached. From what was said he wants to be her friend and only her friend as he seems to care a lot about her. The ex's intentions may have more attached, but if a friendship that he considers close can be salvaged I don't see why this could not be an option.

 

Yes if he accepts this as a condition and has negative feelings towards her later it will be on him for accepting it in the first place.

 

Nope. This isn't just any old friendship that stemmed from a couple dates. This girl DESPERATELY wants this guy back, and if he allows her in his life on that kind of level, one would have to wonder to what depths she might sink to worm her way back in.

 

I wouldn't allow it for one second.

[Vet]

In the letter he was going to send he refers to her as a friend on multiple occassions and seems to have nothing but friendly feelings towards her. She may have other interests and that is something the OP's boyfriend and his ex need to discuss if they want to have a mutual friendship without any other thoughts attached. From what was said he wants to be her friend and only her friend as he seems to care a lot about her. The ex's intentions may have more attached, but if a friendship that he considers close can be salvaged I don't see why this could not be an option.

 

Yes if he accepts this as a condition and has negative feelings towards her later it will be on him for accepting it in the first place.

 

Of course he does. He's sending a letter that his current girlfriend is reviewing. The word "friend" is bandied about a lot after failed relationships. That doesn't make it the case though. Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that this is a regular friendship with someone that only involves mutually platonic feelings. Come on now, you don't really see it like that, do you?

[stace79]

Nope. This isn't just any old friendship that stemmed from a couple dates. This girl DESPERATELY wants this guy back, and if he allows her in his life on that kind of level, one would have to wonder to what depths she might sink to worm her way back in.

 

I wouldn't allow it for one second.

 

This is so right. Because this is a forum and it's difficult to get a true grasp of the entire situation, I have not been able to list out every little thing that's been said or happened to illustrate how devious this girl is. It's little things like saying in an e-mail that "it's obvious Stace is the only thing standing between us and a real friendship" to sending him old photos of them together; she's told him he's only with me because he is getting older and wants to "settle down"; she's told him that I'm not right for him; when we were dating exclusively before our first break up, she would call him and cry for hours on the phone telling him how she screwed up and wanted him back. Granted he had a responsibility to cut her off at some point if he wanted to but this girl is conniving.

 

It would just never occur to me to do these things if an ex of mine got with someone else. That person immediately becomes off-limits to me at that point, even if I did make a mistake in letting them go to begin with...

[loveslife]

Of course he does. He's sending a letter that his current girlfriend is reviewing. The word "friend" is bandied about a lot after failed relationships. That doesn't make it the case though. Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that this is a regular friendship with someone that only involves mutually platonic feelings. Come on now, you don't really see it like that, do you?

 

Vet, if you look back over some of Stace79's older posts you'll see that this guy exhibits classic abusive behavior. She even called him a master manipulator at one point. It's been a power struggle between them for years.

[hellothar]

Of course he does. He's sending a letter that his current girlfriend is reviewing. The word "friend" is bandied about a lot after failed relationships. That doesn't make it the case though. Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that this is a regular friendship with someone that only involves mutually platonic feelings. Come on now, you don't really see it like that, do you?

 

The OP continues to say he wants to stay friends with her while saying he is 110% committed to his relationship with the OP. Therefore I am inclined to believe that from the one story out of the 3 total perspectives, that the OP truly believes his feelings are just of friendship. He obviously loves the OP as he made the choice (though it was an ultimatium) that his relationship was more important than his friendship with this other woman. I don't see the OP as #2, if this friend truly wanted him and she was #1 then he could leave the OP and be with her. He chooses to stay in his current relationship.

 

Now the friends intentions are another story, if they could be friends I don't see why they shouldn't be allowed which is my point. If she wants more he needs to cut the cord and tell her he can be friends but if she has any other intentions then she needs to buzz off.

 

If their relationship together has any other strings to it outside of feelings of friendship on his end the OP is going to have more on her hands than a little resentment from not letting him be friends with someone that he feels close to in a friendly way. He will resent her instead for not letting him have his backup ready incase things ever get sour in his current relationship.

[Vet]

Vet, if you look back over some of Stace79's older posts you'll see that this guy exhibits classic abusive behavior. She even called him a master manipulator at one point. It's been a power struggle between them for years.

 

I'll take your word for it, and you're probably right, but the fact is that even if she's been the most objective person possible, we've only gotten her side of things. Maybe she should end this with this guy immediately, but from everything she's posted in this thread, it looks like she's willing to move on with it besides all of this. So all we can do is wish her the best of luck to it, and hope it works out.

 

Also, stace79, are you going to keep the baby? Adding a pregnancy to this volatile mix seems like a bad idea at this point in time, but, of course, we all have different opinions on these sorts of matters.

[stace79]

If their relationship together has any other strings to it outside of feelings of friendship on his end the OP is going to have more on her hands than a little resentment from not letting him be friends with someone that he feels close to in a friendly way. He will resent her instead for not letting him have his backup ready incase things ever get sour in his current relationship.

 

This is the reason to cut her off totally and completely. The bolded statement is the equivalent of having one foot out the door, and is unacceptable if you want to be in a R with me...

[loveslife]

I'll take your word for it, and you're probably right, but the fact is that even if she's been the most objective person possible, we've only gotten her side of things. Maybe she should end this with this guy immediately, but from everything she's posted in this thread, it looks like she's willing to move on with it besides all of this. So all we can do is wish her the best of luck to it, and hope it works out.

 

Also, stace79, are you going to keep the baby? Adding a pregnancy to this volatile mix seems like a bad idea at this point in time, but, of course, we all have different opinions on these sorts of matters.

 

Vet, I do wish her the best of luck. It would be great if things work out for all of them.

[stace79]

I'll take your word for it, and you're probably right, but the fact is that even if she's been the most objective person possible, we've only gotten her side of things. Maybe she should end this with this guy immediately, but from everything she's posted in this thread, it looks like she's willing to move on with it besides all of this. So all we can do is wish her the best of luck to it, and hope it works out.

 

Also, stace79, are you going to keep the baby? Adding a pregnancy to this volatile mix seems like a bad idea at this point in time, but, of course, we all have different opinions on these sorts of matters.

 

I am, but mostly out of religious/moral convictions. I don't deny that this could actually be the strain that breaks everything. I just feel strongly that I'm of an age where I can be responsible for a child, I have a good salary and insurance and I have the support of family, friends and at least for now my fiance.

[Vet]

The OP continues to say he wants to stay friends with her while saying he is 110% committed to his relationship with the OP. Therefore I am inclined to believe that from the one story out of the 3 total perspectives, that the OP truly believes his feelings are just of friendship. He obviously loves the OP as he made the choice (though it was an ultimatium) that his relationship was more important than his friendship with this other woman. I don't see the OP as #2, if this friend truly wanted him and she was #1 then he could leave the OP and be with her. He chooses to stay in his current relationship.

 

Now the friends intentions are another story, if they could be friends I don't see why they shouldn't be allowed which is my point. If she wants more he needs to cut the cord and tell her he can be friends but if she has any other intentions then she needs to buzz off.

 

If their relationship together has any other strings to it outside of feelings of friendship on his end the OP is going to have more on her hands than a little resentment from not letting him be friends with someone that he feels close to in a friendly way. He will resent her instead for not letting him have his backup ready incase things ever get sour in his current relationship.

 

Agree to disagree, I suppose. His true intentions don't really factor into the equation. While, yes, maybe he does only wants her as a friend, it's the appearance of impropriety that one in a committed relationship should avoid if they value their significant other. I know you probably won't agree that this relationship with his ex is inappropriate, but the OP obviously does. That, in itself, should be enough to end things on his end. If he is resentful of that or doesn't really want it, then he needs to walk away from the relationship.

[donnamaybe]

He will resent her instead for not letting him have his backup ready incase things ever get sour in his current relationship.

 

If THAT's what is going on, then he doesn't care about either one of them enough to be in a relationship with either.

[hellothar]

This is so right. Because this is a forum and it's difficult to get a true grasp of the entire situation, I have not been able to list out every little thing that's been said or happened to illustrate how devious this girl is. It's little things like saying in an e-mail that "it's obvious Stace is the only thing standing between us and a real friendship" to sending him old photos of them together; she's told him he's only with me because he is getting older and wants to "settle down"; she's told him that I'm not right for him; when we were dating exclusively before our first break up, she would call him and cry for hours on the phone telling him how she screwed up and wanted him back. Granted he had a responsibility to cut her off at some point if he wanted to but this girl is conniving.

 

If this is the case then he needs to let her know that nothing can happen between them and the best she can hope for is a mutual respectful friendship. Where she can still befriend him but not impede in the direction you two are going together with your life. She needs to understand that friends are happy for one another when they have good things going on in their lives. But it would be up to him to relay this to her, she needs to either be a true friend or nothing at all. She can not have him if he is with you, and a friend would understand that and not try anymore. If she could be a real friend and not try to add anything to that then maybe they could have a mutual friendship. If not then he needs to let her know because of her inability to just be friends he can not continue to speak with her until she can accept the fact that he is getting married and moving on with his life.

[stace79]

If this is the case then he needs to let her know that nothing can happen between them and the best she can hope for is a mutual respectful friendship. Where she can still befriend him but not impede in the direction you two are going together with your life. She needs to understand that friends are happy for one another when they have good things going on in their lives. But it would be up to him to relay this to her, she needs to either be a true friend or nothing at all. She can not have him if he is with you, and a friend would understand that and not try anymore. If she could be a real friend and not try to add anything to that then maybe they could have a mutual friendship. If not then he needs to let her know because of her inability to just be friends he can not continue to speak with her until she can accept the fact that he is getting married and moving on with his life.

 

That has always been the issue. She would get mad that he couldn't talk to her on the weekend when he was spending time with me. She thinks she should be able to call/email/text him every day - even multiple times per day. Basically she is a very egocentric girl and cannot fathom that she is not the center of a man's world. She also was flirtatious and said things in emails that made me uncomfortable.

 

It's not like I'm just telling him who he can or cannot be friends with. It's just the one specific person. He is friends with other exes and emails them once in awhile on Facebook or shares photo albums with them via email. I don't care one bit about those girls.

[hellothar]

That has always been the issue. She would get mad that he couldn't talk to her on the weekend when he was spending time with me. She thinks she should be able to call/email/text him every day - even multiple times per day. Basically she is a very egocentric girl and cannot fathom that she is not the center of a man's world. She also was flirtatious and said things in emails that made me uncomfortable.

 

It's not like I'm just telling him who he can or cannot be friends with. It's just the one specific person. He is friends with other exes and emails them once in awhile on Facebook or shares photo albums with them via email. I don't care one bit about those girls.

 

Then he needs to let her know there is a line and she has crossed it. She can either go back to her side and respect the union which is your relationship or find her way out of his life. Maybe one day she can come around and become just a friend to him, but until then it is better that he tells her straight "If you can't accept that we can just be friends then you need to discontinue all contact with me until you can act in a mature manner and respect my relationship with Stace".

[stace79]

Well, good luck with all of it. I'd try to advise you not to take the pregnancy into account in your decisions to be with him, but I'm sure that's impossible.

 

We've actually talked about postponing any marriage. We've both strongly felt that you should never get married because of a baby, because a bad marriage is no better for a child than having separated parents.

 

Surprisingly, I think it will be easier for me to make better decisions with a child involved because already I find myself looking at things from a less selfish light, given that I am now responsible for more than just myself!

[fishtaco]

Trust is one of the most important aspect of a relationship. You don't trust the guy. You are in this mess because you're with someone you don't trust.

[silic0ntoad]

I've read this thread. All I have to ask is this:

 

1) Do you love and want to be with him?

 

If your answer is yes, he has thus far held up his end of the bargain. He has cut communication. Clearly you aren't playing second fiddle. He wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU.

 

Secondly, he has held up his end. What else do you want from him? People make mistakes. He's human. Sure, he was torn between two people. Now, he isn't. He probably hadn't fully gotten over their breakup by the time you two were exclusive. That's what is most likely driving that behavior.

 

If you want to be with him, bury the issue. Both of you should agree to block her number and any means of communication via internet. Then get on with your lives.

 

If you have to keep beating the dead horse (Which, if he has cut communication with her, it's dead) then you shouldn't be with him. Get therapy to help you find the right person, and resolve any trust issues you may have.

[stace79]

I've read this thread. All I have to ask is this:

 

1) Do you love and want to be with him?

 

If your answer is yes, he has thus far held up his end of the bargain. He has cut communication. Clearly you aren't playing second fiddle. He wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU.

 

Secondly, he has held up his end. What else do you want from him? People make mistakes. He's human. Sure, he was torn between two people. Now, he isn't. He probably hadn't fully gotten over their breakup by the time you two were exclusive. That's what is most likely driving that behavior.

 

If you want to be with him, bury the issue. Both of you should agree to block her number and any means of communication via internet. Then get on with your lives.

 

If you have to keep beating the dead horse (Which, if he has cut communication with her, it's dead) then you shouldn't be with him. Get therapy to help you find the right person, and resolve any trust issues you may have.

 

You are totally right on all counts. He wasn't totally over her when he met me; he has stopped communicating with her. The only reason this is still an issue is because, knowing how conniving this girl is, I always feel like I'm waiting for her to pop up again. He changed his # so she started posting on sister's FB; sister didn't really respond, so she emailed me; I don't want her to keep popping up for the rest of our lives, ya know?

 

That is the only reason I mentioned that he should write her; at which point he shared his "idea" of an email to her which is what spawned this post.

 

I am hoping however that since we've blocked her on FB and email she will truly just give up now. I'm not totally sure she will, but here's hoping. I do feel badly that he's suffering as a result of this because he really has done what I asked. It's not his fault she is psycho!

[silic0ntoad]

You are totally right on all counts. He wasn't totally over her when he met me; he has stopped communicating with her. The only reason this is still an issue is because, knowing how conniving this girl is, I always feel like I'm waiting for her to pop up again. He changed his # so she started posting on sister's FB; sister didn't really respond, so she emailed me; I don't want her to keep popping up for the rest of our lives, ya know?

 

That is the only reason I mentioned that he should write her; at which point he shared his "idea" of an email to her which is what spawned this post.

 

I am hoping however that since we've blocked her on FB and email she will truly just give up now. I'm not totally sure she will, but here's hoping. I do feel badly that he's suffering as a result of this because he really has done what I asked. It's not his fault she is psycho!

 

 

Well, honestly, he is trying to let her down easy. I have done the same with any Ex who has come back, and kept my intentions clear, simply because I am not a d*ck, even to those who hurt me.

 

I honestly think you two will be fine. A letter is a letter. It was probably a truthful letter- his realisation that he loved her, and cared for her. But that was then, and now he knows he has you, and you are his ace now. It was probably a final goodbye, so to speak, which is fair, in all honesty.

 

Do I think he will cheat or leave you for her? No. I think insecurity will damage the relationship unless you both face it headlong and consider counselling.

 

As conniving as she is, she will give up eventually. This guy knows he was in the wrong. But you know what? He's the exception, not the rule. Be glad you have that; most guys would lie and not be honest about communicating with her, unless he truly wanted YOU, and not her. This is one scenario where he is changing, for the better.

[stace79]

Very helpful insight! Thank you for taking the time to share that.

 

Well, honestly, he is trying to let her down easy. I have done the same with any Ex who has come back, and kept my intentions clear, simply because I am not a d*ck, even to those who hurt me.

 

I honestly think you two will be fine. A letter is a letter. It was probably a truthful letter- his realisation that he loved her, and cared for her. But that was then, and now he knows he has you, and you are his ace now. It was probably a final goodbye, so to speak, which is fair, in all honesty.

 

Do I think he will cheat or leave you for her? No. I think insecurity will damage the relationship unless you both face it headlong and consider counselling.

 

As conniving as she is, she will give up eventually. This guy knows he was in the wrong. But you know what? He's the exception, not the rule. Be glad you have that; most guys would lie and not be honest about communicating with her, unless he truly wanted YOU, and not her. This is one scenario where he is changing, for the better.

[MSUE]

I'm over this thread...there is so much contradiction going on I can't keep up...best of luck with your baby...and like someone else said don't let the pregnancy get on the way of the right decision if that time comes...personally i could never be with someone that did a back and forth on me and continues a friendship and communication with the other party...i couldn't be with someone that told me to lose weight...how vain..I would have serious trust issues and when there is no trust there's no point in a R...it'll fail

[silic0ntoad]

personally i could never be with someone that did a back and forth on me and continues a friendship and communication with the other party...i

 

Did you read the thread? He stopped communication. Am I missing something?

 

Jesus, that simply goes to show people have no faith in working problems out. They'd rather flee at the sight of adversity. So cowardly.

[stace79]

Did you read the thread? He stopped communication. Am I missing something?

 

Jesus, that simply goes to show people have no faith in working problems out. They'd rather flee at the sight of adversity. So cowardly.

 

I thought the same thing when I read that. I have also seen entire threads on this subject -- that many people here are so jaded that the only outcome that will appease them is to end the R.

[MSUE]

I read the whole thing...been a part of it since the day it was posted... I should have phrased it better though ...he still however had communication up till now knowing that his girl was against it...I wouldn't want to work things out if it was me in situation...too many trust issues...not worth my time and heart that's my point...i do wish her the best of luck though...I would feel so insulted the first time of breakup...its as if I wasn't good enough his ex was so he ran back to her...its too insulting...I feel like I deserve better...that's all I'm just saying if it was me...

[silic0ntoad]

Well, I for one have been through alot of break ups, as dumpee and dumper. I always try to fix problems. Trust issues are going to hinder anyone. I have them as well, since my current Ex GF decided to leave for really no reason. I am going to therapy to resolve that. IDK. It is what it is. But if he is doing everything she has asked, and the problem is "fixeD" by his ACTIONS, not his words, then be happy with each other. Most people would end it and move on. It's just cowardice.