Email from fiance to his ex

[loveslife]

And he's feeding her hope.

 

That's what my ex did with me for years until I figured it out. He was dangling the possibility of a relationship again in front of me to keep me in his life. It's what players do. I know now that I was played.

[stace79]

I can't begin to tell you what to do with your life but I think it's a mistake to forbid him to have contact with her. That's just perpetuating a dynamic you will regret. And he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. You can't stop him.

 

Agreed on this point -- which is why I broke up with him early this year. I had attempted to mandate that, and it didn't work, so I decided I just couldn't be happy in the R. At which point, HE chose to e-mail her and cease the friendship. He knows that if he can't do that, he has to leave, but he's reiterated over and over he wants to be with me, even if that means not talking to her anymore.

[loveslife]

Agreed on this point -- which is why I broke up with him early this year. I had attempted to mandate that, and it didn't work, so I decided I just couldn't be happy in the R. At which point, HE chose to e-mail her and cease the friendship. He knows that if he can't do that, he has to leave, but he's reiterated over and over he wants to be with me, even if that means not talking to her anymore.

 

Yeah, my ex ended our relationship a couple of times in order to protect his other relationship. He reopened it a few times, too.

 

I see that you came here troubled by the letter and his relationship with this ex. Most people have told you to trust those feelings but you seem to want to believe him, which is normal since you're invested.

 

It's a lot easier to blame the ex, to be angry with her. Yet, the truth is he has proven himself capable of deception.

 

From an outside perspective, and from personal experience, there really isn't anything else you need to know.

[stace79]

Yeah, my ex ended our relationship a couple of times in order to protect his other relationship. He reopened it a few times, too.

 

I see that you came here troubled by the letter and his relationship with this ex. Most people have told you to trust those feelings but you seem to want to believe him, which is normal since you're invested.

 

It's a lot easier to blame the ex, to be angry with her. Yet, the truth is he has proven himself capable of deception.

 

From an outside perspective, and from personal experience, there really isn't anything else you need to know.

 

Well, the one thing he has not been is deceptive. If anything, he's entirely too open and honest about his feelings. Had he not be so up-front about her from the get-go I probably wouldn't be nearly so insecure about it.

 

He's always been honest about when he talks to her, the form of communication (phone, email, text) and he's even gone so far as to allow me to see all her communication to know that nothing funny is going on.

 

I really believe that at this point it's my own problem of pure hatred for this girl. My fiance has endured my wrath over the situation and "taken his lumps" so to speak. This girl, on the other hand, is not sorry at all and has pretty much said so in e-mails to me and to him. I am the type of person who, if I don't get a chance to say my piece, I can't properly "heal".

[Vet]

Well, the one thing he has not been is deceptive. If anything, he's entirely too open and honest about his feelings. Had he not be so up-front about her from the get-go I probably wouldn't be nearly so insecure about it.

 

He's always been honest about when he talks to her, the form of communication (phone, email, text) and he's even gone so far as to allow me to see all her communication to know that nothing funny is going on.

 

I really believe that at this point it's my own problem of pure hatred for this girl. My fiance has endured my wrath over the situation and "taken his lumps" so to speak. This girl, on the other hand, is not sorry at all and has pretty much said so in e-mails to me and to him. I am the type of person who, if I don't get a chance to say my piece, I can't properly "heal".

 

Why would she be sorry? All is fair in love and war.

[loveslife]

She doesn't owe you anything, certainly not allowing you to vent at her. None of this is really about her other than the fact that the three of you have been in a relationship together for years now.

 

I also think you need to figure out what it is that's really bothering you.

 

At the beginning of the thread, you said "My real dilemma begins now because it hurts me to know he still cares about her so much, regardless of whether he sends the email. A good majority of me is thinking "screw this guy" and "go effing be friends with her if it's such a sacrifice". "

 

Something tells me that's the real issue. If he didn't care about her I doubt you would.

[stace79]

Why would she be sorry? All is fair in love and war.

 

Because it is totally unacceptable for someone to actively pursue someone else who is in a relationship. Women who do that are trash; men who do it are scum. I do NOT believe all is fair in love and war, and that is a totally selfish mindset.

[Wakely]

Because it is totally unacceptable for someone to actively pursue someone else who is in a relationship. Women who do that are trash; men who do it are scum. I do NOT believe all is fair in love and war, and that is a totally selfish mindset.

 

Well you may be right, and you're certainly entitled to think that.

 

However, the fact remains that this girl owes you nothing. Only your bf does.

[Vet]

Because it is totally unacceptable for someone to actively pursue someone else who is in a relationship. Women who do that are trash; men who do it are scum. I do NOT believe all is fair in love and war, and that is a totally selfish mindset.

 

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

 

It is a totally selfish mindset, but that's what we are at the heart of it: selfish. She has no desire to make you happy. Why would she? She probably hates you just as much as you hate her. Maybe she even blames you for breaking up her relationship with him.

[stace79]

She doesn't owe you anything, certainly not allowing you to vent at her. None of this is really about her other than the fact that the three of you have been in a relationship together for years now.

 

I also think you need to figure out what it is that's really bothering you.

 

At the beginning of the thread, you said "My real dilemma begins now because it hurts me to know he still cares about her so much, regardless of whether he sends the email. A good majority of me is thinking "screw this guy" and "go effing be friends with her if it's such a sacrifice". "

 

Something tells me that's the real issue. If he didn't care about her I doubt you would.

 

Yes it bothers me that he cares about her, but if he would stop indicating to me that he cares about her it wouldn't be a problem.

 

My ideal situation would be he'd get so mad at her for ignoring his request to cease contact that he would blow up at her and end the whole thing -- friendship or otherwise -- once and for all.

 

She doesn't owe me anything -- you're right. But she does have to respect my relationship and what he asked of her which is to stop trying to contact him. I want her to stop trying to inject herself into our lives, and I want him to stop telling me anything about how he will "always have a spot for her" or will "always want the best for her". It's like, you're with me or you're not, and if you're with me then stop worrying about another woman.

[stace79]

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

 

It is a totally selfish mindset, but that's what we are at the heart of it: selfish. She has no desire to make you happy. Why would she? She probably hates you just as much as you hate her. Maybe she even blames you for breaking up her relationship with him.

 

But I didn't. He was not with her when I met him. When he told me he was going to "figure things out" and "get closure" with her, I walked away. I didn't talk to him or call him or see him.

 

Conversely, when he was first with me, and then when we got back together in 2007, she not only called him, but begged to see him, told him she still loved him, asked him not to commit to me, told him I was not right for him, etc.

[Wakely]

Yes it bothers me that he cares about her, but if he would stop indicating to me that he cares about her it wouldn't be a problem.

 

My ideal situation would be he'd get so mad at her for ignoring his request to cease contact that he would blow up at her and end the whole thing -- friendship or otherwise -- once and for all.

 

She doesn't owe me anything -- you're right. But she does have to respect my relationship and what he asked of her which is to stop trying to contact him. I want her to stop trying to inject herself into our lives, and I want him to stop telling me anything about how he will "always have a spot for her" or will "always want the best for her". It's like, you're with me or you're not, and if you're with me then stop worrying about another woman.

 

Unfortunately, she doesn't have to respect your relationship. Should she? Of course. But again, she doesn't owe you anything, and as Vet said, she probably hates you too.

 

My impression from your posts was that she had stopped trying to contact your bf, and was now talking to his sister?

 

Did you tell you bf this?

[stace79]

Unfortunately, she doesn't have to respect your relationship. Should she? Of course. But again, she doesn't owe you anything, and as Vet said, she probably hates you too.

 

My impression from your posts was that she had stopped trying to contact your bf, and was now talking to his sister?

 

Did you tell you bf this?

 

Yes, he noticed that his sister accepted her friend request. He also talked to his sister about it, because he knows how much I can't stand her and in respect for my feelings, he asked his sister not to publicly post with this girl. If they talked he asked that it please be in private messages. His sister said that the ex requested her friendship and not the other way around.

 

She sent some text messages, but then I'm not sure if she gave up because he just changed his phone number.

[Vet]

But I didn't. He was not with her when I met him. When he told me he was going to "figure things out" and "get closure" with her, I walked away. I didn't talk to him or call him or see him.

 

Conversely, when he was first with me, and then when we got back together in 2007, she not only called him, but begged to see him, told him she still loved him, asked him not to commit to me, told him I was not right for him, etc.

 

You can't see how she could possibly perceive that you stole him away from her? He obviously chose you over her, at least in her mind. Just trying to say, the hate goes both ways. She isn't going to respect your relationship, and has no moral imperative to do so. Ignore her, forget about her, move on with your life. Focusing on this is going to hamper your relationship with him, and then you will have only yourself to blame--not her.

[loveslife]

Stace, try and step back for a minute and look at this objectively.

 

Your fiance has been going back and forth between the two of you for YEARS. There is a whole set of dynamics in place. Even if he got angry at her and told her to leave him alone it probably wouldn't last.

 

Again, listen to me please - there is a set of dynamics here that YOU are a part of as well.

 

How much do you think he LOVES feeling like the two of you are fighting over him???? It's a lot of guy's wet dream and obviously he's comfortable doing this or he would have gotten out a long time ago.

 

As things are now there is no happy ending or peaceful way out of this. If you want the dynamics to change, then YOU have to change, too. YOU are a part of this dysfunction as well. Not that I am blaming you, but it's about all three of you.

 

While it's easy for you to blame her it won't fix anything in the long run.

[stace79]

You can't see how she could possibly perceive that you stole him away from her? He obviously chose you over her, at least in her mind. Just trying to say, the hate goes both ways. She isn't going to respect your relationship, and has no moral imperative to do so. Ignore her, forget about her, move on with your life. Focusing on this is going to hamper your relationship with him, and then you will have only yourself to blame--not her.

 

No -- in fact, she's stated over the weekend in an email to me (yes, she approached me not vice versa) that she didn't want him. She even told him once that she didn't really want him, she just didn't want anyone else to have him. I'm sure she hates me, because she can't stand losing... but not b/c she thinks I stole him. To say that would mean she'd have to drop her ridiculous ego.

 

As things are now there is no happy ending or peaceful way out of this. If you want the dynamics to change, then YOU have to change, too. YOU are a part of this dysfunction as well. Not that I am blaming you, but it's about all three of you.

 

While it's easy for you to blame her it won't fix anything in the long run.

 

What I am confident we've decided on is that he will not e-mail her anything; instead he and I will both block her on all social media and block her e-mail address. He's already changed his number and he's unlisted, so I think we're fine. This problem was resurrected because he had finally done what I'd wanted for so long -- ON HIS OWN -- which was to tell her point blank he would not be her friend and would not communicate with her anymore, but she ignored that request and continued trying to make direct and indirect contact with him.

 

She texted him twice and he ignored both texts. He purposely ignored her birthday in June. He changed his number. She added his sister on FB and she ignored her. She then e-mailed me over the weekend. I see now that I should have ignored her e-mail to me, as well, but I made a mistake and replied which led to a lot of hateful things being written.

 

As long as we have taken all reasonable steps to block her communication to the both of us, I think we'll be fine from here on out. Now I just have to work on letting it go.

[loveslife]

So, forty messages later it turns out there is no problem.

[stace79]

So, forty messages later it turns out there is no problem.

 

Ha, yes, but in addition to talking things through here, there has been a lot of discussion with my fiance -- calm, rational, mature discussion.

 

If he had told me he couldn't stand not being her friend, or insisted on communicating with her again, things would be different. Since April, he's continued to show through is actions that he wants to make me happy and he doesn't want to continue a friendship with her if it means he can't be with me.

[hellothar]

From reading this I see the possibility of him holding a lot of resentment against you in the future. Yes he made the original decision to stop communicating with her but only after you had already left. He made this choice because he wants to be with you more than he wants to be friends with her, but he should not have to choose.

 

It's completely unfair to dictate who your partner can speak to and befriend. If you trust his feelings and know he will be faithful there is no reason to disallow their friendship. So what if one of his good friends happens to be someone he was involved with, she still is one of his good friends. You have no right to take anyone out of his life whether if be friend or family. If you trust him, then you will allow him to continue communications with this "good friend", if not you may come off as controlling.

 

He knows that to be with me, he cannot be friends with her.

 

This is the only statement I need to prove my point. This comes off as controlling and if you trusted him you would have no problem with him seeing his friends. This could lead to resentment in the future and I would be cautious before laying down the law here.

[stace79]

From reading this I see the possibility of him holding a lot of resentment against you in the future. Yes he made the original decision to stop communicating with her but only after you had already left. He made this choice because he wants to be with you more than he wants to be friends with her, but he should not have to choose.

 

It's completely unfair to dictate who your partner can speak to and befriend. If you trust his feelings and know he will be faithful there is no reason to disallow their friendship. So what if one of his good friends happens to be someone he was involved with, she still is one of his good friends. You have no right to take anyone out of his life whether if be friend or family. If you trust him, then you will allow him to continue communications with this "good friend", if not you may come off as controlling.

 

 

 

This is the only statement I need to prove my point. This comes off as controlling and if you trusted him you would have no problem with him seeing his friends. This could lead to resentment in the future and I would be cautious before laying down the law here.

 

I'm not controlling. He has choices to make, just as I do; just like everyone here on this board. He can choose to be with me, and that means not being friends with that girl. It also means being a hardworking, honest man, not doing drugs, being respectful toward my family, participating in some similar interests, etc. To be with him, I have to be understanding of a health condition he has, be flexible with plans b/c he has a job that requires odd hours, be respectful toward his family, not do drugs or drink excessively, etc.

 

If he doesn't like the requirements to be with me, he can choose to walk away. I can also make the same choice. There are requirements to be with any person -- we all decide whether or not we can live with them. In being a mature man, he stated to me that he realized he loves me 110% and doesn't want to spend his life with any woman but me, so it is worth it to him to not be friends with this girl. He understands why I'm not a fan of hers, and also has learned that since he wants to marry me, my feelings are of the utmost importance. The same goes for him -- if my friendship with a certain person was unsettling for a LOGICAL reason, I would cease that friendship. My fiance/husband will ALWAYS come before anyone else. That is the definition of marriage.

 

If you're not willing to put your partner above all else, unless in the case you have children, then you shouldn't get married.

[loveslife]

Stace, I was looking through some of your older posts.

 

In one, you call your fiance a master manipulator but say you don't take his BS anymore.

 

You started a thread about being upset because he wants you to lose 125 pounds so he'll be larger than you are.

 

In another one you talk about being jealous about the women who call his radio show.

 

In all of this I can see that you are addicted to the drama. This often stems from insecurity and immaturity. Hopefully, you'll grow out of it. But you should know that our relationships mirror who we are inside.

 

On a side note, if you're 125 lbs. overweight I suggest you start trying to lose weight if you're pregnant.

[Vet]

From reading this I see the possibility of him holding a lot of resentment against you in the future. Yes he made the original decision to stop communicating with her but only after you had already left. He made this choice because he wants to be with you more than he wants to be friends with her, but he should not have to choose.

 

It's completely unfair to dictate who your partner can speak to and befriend. If you trust his feelings and know he will be faithful there is no reason to disallow their friendship. So what if one of his good friends happens to be someone he was involved with, she still is one of his good friends. You have no right to take anyone out of his life whether if be friend or family. If you trust him, then you will allow him to continue communications with this "good friend", if not you may come off as controlling.

 

 

 

This is the only statement I need to prove my point. This comes off as controlling and if you trusted him you would have no problem with him seeing his friends. This could lead to resentment in the future and I would be cautious before laying down the law here.

 

I would agree with this if she really was a friend. She's not, however. She's an ex-girlfriend, a prior romantic interest. I think the OP has every right to say that if he wants to be with her, he has to not be in contact with his ex. If he accepts that, then he accepts that. If he has resentment towards her for it down the road, then it's his fault for accepting this condition of their relationship.

[stace79]

Stace, I was looking through some of your older posts.

 

In one, you call your fiance a master manipulator but say you don't take his BS anymore.

 

You started a thread about being upset because he wants you to lose 125 pounds so he'll be larger than you are.

 

In another one you talk about being jealous about the women who call his radio show.

 

In all of this I can see that you are addicted to the drama. This often stems from insecurity and immaturity. Hopefully, you'll grow out of it. But you should know that our relationships mirror who we are inside.

 

On a side note, if you're 125 lbs. overweight I suggest you start trying to lose weight if you're pregnant.

 

Apparently you misread. I am not 125 lbs overweight.

 

While I can admit I do overreact to some situations, I am not "addicted to drama". I can see, though, that if I do not heed your advice, you will find ways to try and tear me down on a personal level. That's mature, too.

[loveslife]

Apparently you misread. I am not 125 lbs overweight.

 

While I can admit I do overreact to some situations, I am not "addicted to drama". I can see, though, that if I do not heed your advice, you will find ways to try and tear me down on a personal level. That's mature, too.

 

Stace, don't you worry you head about that - I have no intention of responding to your posts anymore. Good luck.

[hellothar]

I would agree with this if she really was a friend. She's not, however. She's an ex-girlfriend, a prior romantic interest. I think the OP has every right to say that if he wants to be with her, he has to not be in contact with his ex. If he accepts that, then he accepts that. If he has resentment towards her for it down the road, then it's his fault for accepting this condition of their relationship.

 

In the letter he was going to send he refers to her as a friend on multiple occassions and seems to have nothing but friendly feelings towards her. She may have other interests and that is something the OP's boyfriend and his ex need to discuss if they want to have a mutual friendship without any other thoughts attached. From what was said he wants to be her friend and only her friend as he seems to care a lot about her. The ex's intentions may have more attached, but if a friendship that he considers close can be salvaged I don't see why this could not be an option.

 

Yes if he accepts this as a condition and has negative feelings towards her later it will be on him for accepting it in the first place.