Email from fiance to his ex

[stace79]

Okay for those who don't know -- my boyfriend broke up with me like 2.5 years ago for his ex, they didn't work out so he and I got back together. We fought over his "friendship" with her while living together for almost 2 years. I finally got sick of it and broke up with him -- he ceased communicating with her and we got engaged two months later. Now even though he's refused contact with her, she's texted him twice, added his sister on Facebook and the latest is that she emailed me on Facebook pretending to "apologize" but then got huffy when I didn't accept readily. So my fiance wrote this to send to her but says he won't unless I'm okay with it.

 

Please take a look at what he said -- am I an idiot to go through with this engagement? FYI -- I also believe I may now be pregnant. How do I get myself in to these messes? Thanks for reading I know it's long. (Names changed for privacy)

 

Amanda,

 

Hello, and I hope this email finds you doing well. I was checking up on my sister on facebook when I saw you had written her, and it brought a smile to my face to see that you are doing so well. Please say hi to your family for me.

 

I also became aware of the fact that you had sent my fiance Stace a facebook message. I did not see what was said until today, but I need you to know I saw it. At first, I was very impressed with what you had said. But I thought to myself that the only way you had a chance of getting a positive response from Stace was if you were willing and able to let her talk, to allow her to vent, and then still reiterate your apology to her, telling her you understood everything she was saying and how she felt.

 

I was worried you would be too prideful still to do that, and unfortunately it appears as though I was proven correct. When someone is wrong'ed, as we both wrong'ed Stace, one needs to let the wrong'ed person vent, go off on you, speak freely, without them feeling fear of persecution or retaliation. It was only my willingness to do this with Stace, my willingness to listen to her, hear everything she had to say without copping an attitude, and honor her wishes, that allowed her to allow me back in her life. So given that you know how she feels about you, the fact that you copped an attitude right away caused me to sigh, realizing the fate on that conversation between you two had been sealed.

 

Amanda, I need you to respect my relationship. And to respect my relationship means you should not try to contact me directly or indirectly when I have asked you not to do so. No messages to my fiance, no text messages to me - nothing. I know that's blunt and somewhat harsh, but I don't feel I have made that point clear enough. As much as I would have always wanted to remain an active friend in your life, I realized there was no way I could have a relationship with Stace if that was the case.

 

I also realized, shortly after I last spoke to you on the phone on Friday, 4/24, that I love Stace unconditionally and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, Amanda. And when that became crystal clear to me, hitting me like a ton of bricks, I realized what was most important was making her happy. Cutting off ties with you was not the only thing she wanted me to address and work on - not by a long shot - and if I'm honest, I still am working on much of it. But when I knew in my heart I wanted to spend my life with her, doing these things, making these sacrifices, made perfect sense to me.

 

That's correct. Ceasing communication with you IS a sacrifice. You had been probably my best friend for the better part of 6-7 years, and any time you end a communication like that, it's tough, and it hurts - on both sides. I know for you to have messaged Stace, it must have meant that our lack of friendship was hurting you and that hurts me as someone that cares about you.

 

The truth is I will always care about you, Amanda. We were close for SO long and you helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life. So even though we are no longer communicating, I want you to know that I do still consider you a friend - just not one I'm communicating with. I still call myself a friend because I still think of you and your family, and want nothing but the best for all of you. My engagement to Stace doesn't mean I all of a sudden stop caring about everyone else.

 

What being engaged does mean, however, is that I have closed the door on our communication. It's just what I have to do. And even had I not emailed you saying that, knowing what I do now about the true meaning of a relationship as strong as mine with Stace, if you ever found that kind of relationship with someone else, I would TOTALLY understand your need to cease communication with me if it was causing issues.

 

You wouldn't want our talking on the phone once or twice a month to prevent you from having a loving relationship, would you? To prevent you from experiencing some of the most wonderful elements in life - a marriage, a family, a home of your own, a life of your own? Please don't hold a grudge against me - I am just trying to be honest. This is hard for me too, you know.

 

I'll wrap this up by just asking of you to please be respectful of my wishes, Amanda. I know it's hard, and I know it hurts - and again, it's like that on both sides. I truly do want what's best for you, and the right man for you is out there when you're ready and at a comfortable place in your life to find him. Please pass on my well wishes to your family, and most importantly, take care of yourself.

 

Best wishes,

Adam

[kiss_andmakeup]

Okay for those who don't know -- my boyfriend broke up with me like 2.5 years ago for his ex, they didn't work out so he and I got back together.

 

Wait...so your boyfriend dumped you to be with his ex (ouch) and then, since it happened to not work out, figured he'd just settle for you? And you took him back?

[westrock]

The letter is also for you to feel comfortable about the situaton and that should be enough. No need to send it. I think you should tell your fiance that it's lovely what he wrote, but there is now no need to send it.

 

What being engaged does mean, however, is that I have closed the door on our communication. It's just what I have to do.

This is all that matters. Now he has to just do it. He needs to go complete NC and ignore all communications from her. He's engaged, what more does he have to explain?

[xpaperxcutx]

The letter is too long and well written for your fiance to send to someone who he wants to cut off contact to.

 

I wouldn't sent the letter.

 

You'll just have to ignore her. Isn't there an ignore button on FB?

[stace79]

1. I think most of you are correct -- whether it is true or not, I feel like I'm still second best.

 

2. Yes, there is a block feature on Facebook, which I've exercised.

 

3. I agree with the person who said it's too long and thoughtful to send to someone you want to end contact with. This has always been my beef with him -- he is too nice to her. His response is "Well I would choose to stay her friend, but I can't do that and be with you." He then says "It's like sacrificing a penny so that I can have a whole dollar" regarding giving up his friendship with her.

 

My initial reaction is that I will not allow him to send anything to her at all. I also am going to ask him to block her on Facebook as well, I'm going to ask him to block her email address on Yahoo, and I am considering asking his sister to block her on FB (not sure about that yet).

 

My real dilemma begins now because it hurts me to know he still cares about her so much, regardless of whether he sends the email. A good majority of me is thinking "screw this guy" and "go effing be friends with her if it's such a sacrifice".

[Vet]

1. I think most of you are correct -- whether it is true or not, I feel like I'm still second best.

 

2. Yes, there is a block feature on Facebook, which I've exercised.

 

3. I agree with the person who said it's too long and thoughtful to send to someone you want to end contact with. This has always been my beef with him -- he is too nice to her. His response is "Well I would choose to stay her friend, but I can't do that and be with you." He then says "It's like sacrificing a penny so that I can have a whole dollar" regarding giving up his friendship with her.

 

My initial reaction is that I will not allow him to send anything to her at all. I also am going to ask him to block her on Facebook as well, I'm going to ask him to block her email address on Yahoo, and I am considering asking his sister to block her on FB (not sure about that yet).

 

My real dilemma begins now because it hurts me to know he still cares about her so much, regardless of whether he sends the email. A good majority of me is thinking "screw this guy" and "go effing be friends with her if it's such a sacrifice".

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you have to use all of your strength to wrap your arms around, to hold him down? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone whose behavior you have to dictate all the time? You obviously don't trust him at all, or you wouldn't be making him cut off communication with her, make him send emails or whatever, and having his sister block her (you will come off as crazy if you do this, by the way).

[Lucky_One]

If he had stopped before he went into the sacrifice thing, it would have been a whole lot better.

 

As it is, he just left space there for her to hope that they can continue their "friendship", as she will KNOW that he does love her, that he does care deeply for her, and that he is hurting by not speaking to her as well.

[Absolutely Curtains]

What does this guy not understand about "no contact, stop communicating with her"??!!

[stace79]

What does this guy not understand about "no contact, stop communicating with her"??!!

 

Well, this part stems from me getting so irritable about her message to me. I just don't want to deal with her in any way anymore, and I have felt that unless he sends her a scathing note, that she will continue trying to find direct or indirect ways of contact. He felt that by writing this e-mail that maybe she really would stop altogether.

 

I don't think this e-mail he wrote is the answer though. I think the only thing that would get her to stop is a mean e-mail from him or a threat of a restraining order. She's pretty persistent. When I mentioned to him that he could put a stop to this, I said what I meant was an email basically saying "I'm engaged, I don't want to talk to you anymore; stop contacting me, my fiance, my sister or anyone else I know." But he won't be that cruel.

 

To clarify, he's held up his end of the bargain thus far and not contacted her, and he's made me aware the few times she contacted him.

[MSUE]

Oh GOD..this guy has gone back and forth back and forth between the 2 of you...and you get engaged to that? you will soon find yourself in pain again...he settled for you for the time being cause it didn't work out so you were plan B so he wouldn't be alone...at least that is how I view it based on your thread apparently evrytime something goes down with you he runs to her...so you have to understand this girl too...she is basically in the same spot as you ring aside...the pattern is there and the cycle will repeat itself again...and if you are pregnant don't fool yourself thinking that a baby will fix the problem and will make him yours forever and only yours cause in most cases is quiet the opposite

[stace79]

Oh GOD..this guy has gone back and forth back and forth between the 2 of you...and you get engaged to that? you will soon find yourself in pain again...he settled for you for the time being cause it didn't work out so you were plan B so he wouldn't be alone...at least that is how I view it based on your thread apparently evrytime something goes down with you he runs to her...so you have to understand this girl too...she is basically in the same spot as you ring aside...the pattern is there and the cycle will repeat itself again...and if you are pregnant don't fool yourself thinking that a baby will fix the problem and will make him yours forever and only yours cause in most cases is quiet the opposite

 

You've completely misread the situation. I paraphrased because many already know my life story. (haha) For the past two plus years he has solely been with me. We got back together in May 07 and moved in together Sept 07. We lived together through Jan 09, when I was forced to move due to losing my job and money troubles. I moved back in with family. He did continue to speak with her occassionally by phone or e-mail, and they would text a few times per week.

 

I broke up with him in April 09 because I decided even though I loved him I was never going to be okay with them talking. (They never saw each other b/c I was adamant about that, plus she lived two hours from us.)

 

He emailed this girl when I still was not even speaking to him (after I broke it off) to tell her he could not longer be her friend or communicate with her. He said I was his priority and he wanted to spend his life with me, and he was sorry he hadn't cut off communication a long time ago.

 

He has upheld that... he hasn't spoken with her at all. She texted him twice, and both texts he showed to me and we decided he'd just ignore her. It still bothered me though. I mean, what girl still tries to reach out to you after an e-mail like he sent?

 

The thing that bothers me most now is that I just want her to go away and stop bothering us. He wants her to leave us alone, too, but he does not want to be mean to her about it because he "doesn't hate her like i do".

 

On the pregnancy note, I am in fact pregnant. However, this was truly an "oops" of a failed BC method and I have no intentions of "trapping" any man into a relationship with a pregnancy. I mentioned the pregnancy out of despair b/c i'm just so frustrated with this girl (and obviously I'm hormonal!)

[kiss_andmakeup]

You've completely misread the situation. I paraphrased because many already know my life story. (haha) For the past two plus years he has solely been with me. We got back together in May 07 and moved in together Sept 07. We lived together through Jan 09, when I was forced to move due to losing my job and money troubles. I moved back in with family. He did continue to speak with her occassionally by phone or e-mail, and they would text a few times per week.

 

I broke up with him in April 09 because I decided even though I loved him I was never going to be okay with them talking. (They never saw each other b/c I was adamant about that, plus she lived two hours from us.)

 

He emailed this girl when I still was not even speaking to him (after I broke it off) to tell her he could not longer be her friend or communicate with her. He said I was his priority and he wanted to spend his life with me, and he was sorry he hadn't cut off communication a long time ago.

 

He has upheld that... he hasn't spoken with her at all. She texted him twice, and both texts he showed to me and we decided he'd just ignore her. It still bothered me though. I mean, what girl still tries to reach out to you after an e-mail like he sent?

 

The thing that bothers me most now is that I just want her to go away and stop bothering us. He wants her to leave us alone, too, but he does not want to be mean to her about it because he "doesn't hate her like i do".

 

On the pregnancy note, I am in fact pregnant. However, this was truly an "oops" of a failed BC method and I have no intentions of "trapping" any man into a relationship with a pregnancy. I mentioned the pregnancy out of despair b/c i'm just so frustrated with this girl (and obviously I'm hormonal!)

 

I think she was talking about what you said in your first thread:

 

Okay for those who don't know -- my boyfriend broke up with me like 2.5 years ago for his ex, they didn't work out so he and I got back together.

 

What many of the people reading this thread are trying to say is that they don't understand how you can be in a relationship that exists SOLELY because he couldn't have "choice A". I mean really...you will probably ALWAYS have insecurities about this, who wouldn't? You were his backup. Second fiddle. Plan B. Why would you allow that?

 

And then the fact that he's even talking to this woman at all...is the icing on the cake.

[Vet]

You've completely misread the situation. I paraphrased because many already know my life story. (haha) For the past two plus years he has solely been with me. We got back together in May 07 and moved in together Sept 07. We lived together through Jan 09, when I was forced to move due to losing my job and money troubles. I moved back in with family. He did continue to speak with her occassionally by phone or e-mail, and they would text a few times per week.

 

I broke up with him in April 09 because I decided even though I loved him I was never going to be okay with them talking. (They never saw each other b/c I was adamant about that, plus she lived two hours from us.)

 

He emailed this girl when I still was not even speaking to him (after I broke it off) to tell her he could not longer be her friend or communicate with her. He said I was his priority and he wanted to spend his life with me, and he was sorry he hadn't cut off communication a long time ago.

 

He has upheld that... he hasn't spoken with her at all. She texted him twice, and both texts he showed to me and we decided he'd just ignore her. It still bothered me though. I mean, what girl still tries to reach out to you after an e-mail like he sent?

 

The thing that bothers me most now is that I just want her to go away and stop bothering us. He wants her to leave us alone, too, but he does not want to be mean to her about it because he "doesn't hate her like i do".

 

On the pregnancy note, I am in fact pregnant. However, this was truly an "oops" of a failed BC method and I have no intentions of "trapping" any man into a relationship with a pregnancy. I mentioned the pregnancy out of despair b/c i'm just so frustrated with this girl (and obviously I'm hormonal!)

 

It sounds like he's done everything you want him to then--he hasn't communicated with her, he's ignored her attempts to communicate with him, and on top of that, has informed you of every time she has. If you want to get on with this relationship then you need to drop it here and get over your insecurities. He's said that he's made his choice, and honestly, the best approach to this is for him (and you) to just ignore her completely. She will eventually stop calling, texting, and trying to get in contact with him. You being insecure over it is just prolonging this, and forcing the issue with him is just going to hamper your relationship.

[stace79]

I think she was talking about what you said in your first thread:

 

 

 

What many of the people reading this thread are trying to say is that they don't understand how you can be in a relationship that exists SOLELY because he couldn't have "choice A". I mean really...you will probably ALWAYS have insecurities about this, who wouldn't? You were his backup. Second fiddle. Plan B. Why would you allow that?

 

And then the fact that he's even talking to this woman at all...is the icing on the cake.

 

You are correct that I feel I played second fiddle. He is not still talking to her though. The email I've shared her wasn't sent -- he shared it with me, and will not send it to her unless I'm okay with it (which I said I wasn't). He has not communicated with her since he emailed her the first week of May to tell her he wouldn't be her friend anymore b/c he wanted to be with me.

 

It did make me feel bad though in that he appears to still have feelings for her -- of course he denies that. He says it's simply that you always have a soft spot for people you cared about in the past. I guess it's not even that I think he still loves her; it's that he refuses to close that door, totally and completely. If he truly wants to marry me, then why does he care if he has to be mean to her to get her to leave us alone? Does that make sense?

[MSUE]

I gotcha...but still it seems a bit shady...something doesn't sound right...but he did go back to her after breaking it off w you...it didn't work so he figured why not back to you again? after all he broke it off not you...truly that is a back and forth...I would never take a man back if he did that...I don't care how much I love him...the possibility of going back to her is still alive as its been done before...and I think you misunderstood my pregnancy comment...accident or not what I meant is that a man will do what a man wants to do...one of my EXBF's left me for this girl Lauren...he came back to me...so I decided to be just FWB...she got pregnant he still tried to come back to me...the whole time he made lauren believe as if i was stalking him...when in reality he was the one coming back for more I had already moved on I knew it was just a game at that point... and I would have never taken him back after all he did anyways...I received messages from her at one point telling me to f*** off...she was clueless he played her like a pro...the whole time it was him asking me out asking me to come over telling me how much he missed me that he still loved me blah blah blah...

 

I guess my point is yes there was a back and forth and not to plant a seed but I have been in the other girls shoes...and my XBF was a pro at it...he would make it seem as if it was me the one that was going after him...that was never the case...i could have proven that to her...I chose not to...anything and everything is possible i just personally would not be so trusting if i was you

[kiss_andmakeup]

You are correct that I feel I played second fiddle. He is not still talking to her though. The email I've shared her wasn't sent -- he shared it with me, and will not send it to her unless I'm okay with it (which I said I wasn't). He has not communicated with her since he emailed her the first week of May to tell her he wouldn't be her friend anymore b/c he wanted to be with me.

 

It did make me feel bad though in that he appears to still have feelings for her -- of course he denies that. He says it's simply that you always have a soft spot for people you cared about in the past. I guess it's not even that I think he still loves her; it's that he refuses to close that door, totally and completely. If he truly wants to marry me, then why does he care if he has to be mean to her to get her to leave us alone? Does that make sense?

 

Yes, it does, and I've agreed that your concerns are valid this whole time...I've just said that they stem from the slap in the face that was him leaving you for his ex and then coming crawling back to you. But yes, it does make sense, he really shouldn't care if he's totally over her.

 

In fact, I got to the point where my ex was sending me messages, trying to call me, not being threatening or stalker-y but wanting to be best buddies. I tried the being nice route but it doesn't work. I basically had to say flat out, "look, I don't care what's going on in your life, and you shouldn't care what's going on in mine, because our relationship is over, and I am not interested in being your friend" and then just completely ignore him.

 

Sending a "friendly" letter like the one he wrote just shows that he cares about hurting her feelings...and after being out of the relationship for over two years, he really shouldn't.

[MissViolet]

Im sorry you're in this Stace! I feel for you. Considering that he has been with her for a significant amount of time, and obviously shared a lot together...I don't know if he'll truly be over her. I kind of understand what he's saying when he says he doesn't want to hurt her, they have been through lots together. But, the letter he wrote for her is just too much...it shows that he still cares too much. And if i were that ex, I would think there's still hope. Maybe something simple, such as "Im engaged to be married, please respect our decision"? Good luck Stace.

[boogieboy]

I think its because you are so insecure about your relationship with him is why he is keeping the door open with her, and not fighting with her about contacting him. If you break it off with him again, he needs someone to go back to!

[Pink Cupcakes]

boogieboy, the reason they broke up the first time was that he left her to go back to his ex. The second time they broke up was because he kept communicating with his ex. It is really all his fault so you saying he is the one who should be onguard and needs a backup because of the OP's behavior doesn't make sense when he is the one making the decisions to break up to go back to his ex in the first place and then keep up strong contact with his ex to the point it affected his relationship with the OP. He is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY at fault here. Sorry.

[Vet]

boogieboy, the reason they broke up the first time was that he left her to go back to his ex. The second time they broke up was because he kept communicating with his ex. It is really all his fault so you saying he is the one who should be onguard and needs a backup because of the OP's behavior doesn't make sense when he is the one making the decisions to break up to go back to his ex in the first place and then keep up strong contact with his ex to the point it affected his relationship with the OP. He is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY at fault here. Sorry.

 

The fact that it's his fault is probably a small solace to her. If she wants to have a relationship with him (and it sounds like she does), then she needs to get over this period in their lives, because boogieboy is right--her insecurity is going to destroy what's left.

[Lucky_One]

He doesn't APPEAR to have feelings for her - he DOES have feelings for her. He states it in black and white, over and over.

 

"Ceasing communication with you IS a sacrifice. You had been probably my best friend for the better part of 6-7 years, and any time you end a communication like that, it's tough, and it hurts - on both sides. The truth is I will always care about you, Amanda. We were close for SO long and you helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life. This is hard for me too, you know. I know it's hard, and I know it hurts - and again, it's like that on both sides."

 

She isn't going to read anything except the above excerpts - that is what girls in love do. They pick up the words that give the slightest bit of hope, and cling to them - and ignore the rest.

 

And he's feeding her hope.

[callalily]

I will have to disagree with the majority here - I thought the letter was very mature and rational, and left no doubt in my mind where his true loyalties lie (with you!). The fact that he doesn't want to be cruel to her really only serves to show that he is a good person.

 

If anyone understands jealousy, it's me! I am the most territorial girlfriend ever, and in the past I have done things like send nasty messages to overly flirtatious girls who seemed interested in my boyfriend at the time. I would be going insane if I was in your situation, especially if I was pregnant as well.

 

But I also have an ex-boyfriend who I still talk to now that I am in a new relationship (nearly 2 years after I broke up with him), and we ended our relationship amicably. He still flirts a bit sometimes, but I never reciprocate because I have absolutely zero interest in him sexually anymore. But we shared a lot together and I care about him in the same way that I care about my other friends. Before being in this situation, I would never in a million years have understood where your boyfriend is coming from. I don't have sexual/romantic feelings for my ex, but if my new boyfriend told me to stop talking to him it would be a bit sad. I might do it if I had to in order to save the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't want to be cruel about it.

 

Your situation probably is a bit different from mine. But in any case, your boyfriend seems like he is handling the current situation very maturely, and I wouldn't be worried at all. I don't even think there's any harm in letting him send the letter, as it might help her understand and come to terms with him cutting off all contact.

[stace79]

He doesn't APPEAR to have feelings for her - he DOES have feelings for her. He states it in black and white, over and over.

 

"Ceasing communication with you IS a sacrifice. You had been probably my best friend for the better part of 6-7 years, and any time you end a communication like that, it's tough, and it hurts - on both sides. The truth is I will always care about you, Amanda. We were close for SO long and you helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life. This is hard for me too, you know. I know it's hard, and I know it hurts - and again, it's like that on both sides."

 

She isn't going to read anything except the above excerpts - that is what girls in love do. They pick up the words that give the slightest bit of hope, and cling to them - and ignore the rest.

 

And he's feeding her hope.

 

This is why I'm adamant against him sending the e-mail. She will hold on to the positive parts and keep trying to contact him. I think he has agreed to just ignore her again, and we are both blocking her on Facebook/e-mail. She doesn't have his new number. Hopefully this will be the end of her contact.

 

The fact that it's his fault is probably a small solace to her. If she wants to have a relationship with him (and it sounds like she does), then she needs to get over this period in their lives, because boogieboy is right--her insecurity is going to destroy what's left.

 

If we do what I said above -- block all her methods of contact -- then yes, I agree I will just have to move on from there.

 

I will have to disagree with the majority here - I thought the letter was very mature and rational, and left no doubt in my mind where his true loyalties lie (with you!). The fact that he doesn't want to be cruel to her really only serves to show that he is a good person.

 

If anyone understands jealousy, it's me! I am the most territorial girlfriend ever, and in the past I have done things like send nasty messages to overly flirtatious girls who seemed interested in my boyfriend at the time. I would be going insane if I was in your situation, especially if I was pregnant as well.

 

But I also have an ex-boyfriend who I still talk to now that I am in a new relationship (nearly 2 years after I broke up with him), and we ended our relationship amicably. He still flirts a bit sometimes, but I never reciprocate because I have absolutely zero interest in him sexually anymore. But we shared a lot together and I care about him in the same way that I care about my other friends. Before being in this situation, I would never in a million years have understood where your boyfriend is coming from. I don't have sexual/romantic feelings for my ex, but if my new boyfriend told me to stop talking to him it would be a bit sad. I might do it if I had to in order to save the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't want to be cruel about it.

 

Your situation probably is a bit different from mine. But in any case, your boyfriend seems like he is handling the current situation very maturely, and I wouldn't be worried at all. I don't even think there's any harm in letting him send the letter, as it might help her understand and come to terms with him cutting off all contact.

 

He knows that to be with me, he cannot be friends with her. What he doesn't understand is that sometimes you have to be cruel to get a point across. I knew when I broke up with him that I may have to be cruel to him to get him to leave me alone. I didn't want to and it would have broken my heart to treat him that way, but it may have been necessary. Sometimes cruelty is the greatest kindness to force someone else to let go and move on...

[Vet]

If we do what I said above -- block all her methods of contact -- then yes, I agree I will just have to move on from there.

 

Good. I think that's really the best thing you can do--just ignore her; she'll go away soon, and if she doesn't get the hint, you may have to have a girl to girl talk with her.

[loveslife]

Ugh, your fiance sounds like an ex of mine.

 

He broke up with his girlfriend to be with me years ago. It didn't work out. He ended up back with her. Promised her he'd never have anything to do with me again. Totally downplayed our relationship (we were talking living together, marriage, the whole thing... or rather he was, I wasn't ready.)

 

Him and I stayed in touch on and off for years. Finally, I got sick of the whole drama and sent him a message saying I was done with the relationship. She got the message somehow and confronted him while he was staying at his sister's place with a lot of people around.

 

He denied it and said I was making the whole thing up. Made her think I was chasing him all these years. All she would have had to do was look at his phone bills for a few months to see how often he called me. I rarely called him.

 

Unless this woman is either very young or certifiable he has probably remained emotionally attached to her and made that clear to her in one way or another. Heck, he's made it clear to you that he still cares about her.

 

If he were really done with her it probably wouldn't matter to you if he had an occasional phone call. At the least you'd know that there was nothing between them.

 

That long message he wrote makes him sound like a jerk. Ohhhh, he must sacrifice for his love for you.... give me a break. He has now become addicted to having the both of you. He has now seen that you will take him back no matter WHAT he does.

 

I can't begin to tell you what to do with your life but I think it's a mistake to forbid him to have contact with her. That's just perpetuating a dynamic you will regret. And he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. You can't stop him.