SMITHWT3 Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Hello, I have resulted to going to this website to get some personal advice and if anyone has gone through what I am going through, and in a round about way I am sure that some people have. My story is with a woman that is 39 years of age and I am 46. We had been in a realionship of about 5 years. It was a very wonderfull time in my life and hers also. She told me that I was perfect for her in all ways. But one problem she has never had a child and have two and I am fixed not to have anymore and it has been over 11 years since my procedure was done! I have offered everyway under the sun to give her a child in everyway known to man. I really did not want to get a reversal done because of the cost and with the small window of time that she has to have a child. I know that you cannot stand in the way of a woman wanting a child, but the hard part is she told me over a E-mail at work and I hear that she is going to go back to her ex husband that ran around on her for 6 years and was a abusive marriage more mentally than anything. The other hard part is she is taking a new job working nights and weekends and said that she is going to have to wait another year before she can even try to get pregant. So that will put her over 41 and she says that if she has not had one by 42 she will not have one. I have had to go on sleeping medication and counseling and all the other things just to cope with each day. I cannot for the life of me get her out of my head. We talked the other night for almost two hours and she cried and told me how such a wonderful man that I am and she always makes wrong decisions. Her mother has cancer and I do not think that the outcome will be good on that. I guess I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she told me by E-mail, and I offered everything under the sun for a child. Then to hear she may go back to her ex, it is really a kick in the teeth. I want to be able to wish her luck, but I am having a hard time with that with all the things that has happened to me. I know that I have a long way to go to heal and to trust and that is all part of it. She says that she still has hope for us. But I keep telling her that a child is important to her that is what she has to focus on. I will just be glad when I get this behind me. I am 46 and do not have a clue where my life is going now!! There is more to the story but I will answer those questions if needed. [email protected]
mickleb Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Gosh! Hello SMITHWT3. Glad you posted here. It's sounds like you've got a lot to try to get your head around. I'm a 'child-free' 37 year-old, btw, so have had some heartache in my life about whether I should, or should not have a child. I don't know if I can help but I'll give it a go.. The first thing I wondered about was how long this has been an issue for both of you? You've been together 5 years, so she was 34 when she got involved with you. When did she first bring the subject up? I'm presuming she has known about your children and procedure for some time? If so, it seems strange, somehow, that she would, suddenly, act so irrational. I know it can be a deal-breaker but the fact that she's had such bad news about her mum is making me wonder if she's, actually, panicked about that? I don't know. It sounds as though she's really spinning at the moment. I cannot understand why she would wish to have her abusive ex as the father of her child when there are other, much more viable, options available to her. The fact that she told you this by email, is also very bizarre. With the information you've provided so far, I think I would ask her to consider going to couple's counselling with you, or at least, to a counsellor by herself. I would be available to her if she wants to talk, as I think she really is in crisis here. However, this is putting your emotional stability at risk, also, so I think you have to get some space, too. I think you have to prepare for the fact that she may not take your advice and that this could be the end for both of you (and so, step back) but explain that, because you love her, you do want to help and will be there if she wants to talk (but you will need to set some boundaries around this, to keep yourself in one piece). I think couples counselling would be ideal but, if she refuses this, perhaps meet her once a week for coffee, or something. (The boundaries will have to be carefully thought out by you - don't over-extend yourself as this will do neither of you any good.) I know this advice is a bit woolly but I think you need to tread carefully - you want her to get some help as, otherwise, she could do something catastrophic for your relationship, herself and her future child BUT you also need to preserve your sanity if you are able to be involved with her productively. Best of luck. Take care. xx
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