Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 My ex keeps telling me how wonderful of a person I am and that if he were able to settle down and commit to someone, that I am the person he would want to be with. But he knows he is not able to settle down and commit and doesn’t want to keep hurting me, so we can’t be together. If he can’t settle down and commit, and if he wants me, then why is he calling other women? It hurts how quickly he has been able to move on too. It’s only been a month and a half… how can he even think about another women? He says he still misses me…. But yet he goes out with other women… How can he do that if he misses me? I literally get sick at the thought of going out with someone else… I only want to be with him. I miss him so much! I don’t get it and it hurts so much!!!! (Our history = we were together for 3 yrs. I‘m 33, he is 38)
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 All together now, one, two, three..... Go NO CONTACT!! Read the link in my signature, and do that. Because he is such a breadcrumb thrower......
westrock Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 if he were able to settle down and commit to someone, that I am the person he would want to be with. He's conflicted. On one level he probably wants to be with you. But, on another level he has unresolved emotional issues likely from his past. The two issues are conflicting. Unfortunately for you, the pain of the unresolved emotional issues is stronger than the pain of losing you. If you do a search on commitment phobia you'll learn a lot about it. Also, read the book He's Scared She's Scared. He can't resolve these issues on his own. He's not going to change unless he gets professional help. Go NC and if he pursues you then insist he go to counselling first.
Author Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 I'm planning on going to the store to get that book, "He's scared, She's Sacred" today. I keep seeing people mention it here. Would it be beneficial for my ex to read this book too? Or does anyone know of a good self-help book for someone who needs help dealing with emotions (scared of feeling anything)? My ex has many unresolved emotional issues. He started to get professional help last year.... and just the 2 sessions with a professional did help him, but he couldn't afford to continue to go, so he stopped and is starting to fall back into his old ways. None the less, that doesn't make me love him any less or take away any of this pain. As for going NC.... I don't know how to! He has been my EVERYTHING for so long. He is like an addiction to me.... I don't know how to stay away from him. How do I do it?
westrock Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 It's good that he went for professional help and found it beneficial. If he cannot afford to pay for professional help, he can always read about his situation. After you've read the He's Scared She's Scared book, see if he's willing to read it and discuss it with you. There's also another book called "Make Up, Don't Break Up" by Bonnie Weil which is also a good read on this issue. He has been my EVERYTHING for so long. He is like an addiction to me.... I don't know how to stay away from him. How do I do it? I hope you realise making someone your EVERYTHING is unhealthy on your part. Part of the reason you have found yourself in this situation is that no one wants the responsibility to be their partner's EVERYTHING. You have put too much of a burden on your guy and it is scaring him away. As you'll discover in reading the book, not only is "He's Scared", but "She's (you) scared" too. Just as he has some work to do on himself, you need to work on yourself too. In a romantic relationship, both partners also need to have a life that is independent of the romantic partner. Do you have hobbies or friends you can hang out with? Get out there and take a class, go for walks, enjoy the world. Do something that you enjoy. That is what will make you healthier and more attractive to a partner.
Beeotch Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Commitment issues are real issues stemming from usually other issues... The thing is, these people only get scared when they actually really like/love this person and commitment seems inevitable or creeping up on them....but they can have a grand time if they don't actually like someone a lot. So him talking to other women....that doesn't mean he doesn't have issues. He doesn't love them or have to commit to them so it is all fun and games and he doesn't have any anxiety about it. With my ex's issues...I have learned to separate MYSELF from HIS PROBLEMS. I used to take everything personal and believe that maybe he didn't want ME maybe it was something to do with ME...then I realized, NO ACTUALLY....it is HIM! So now...I view it in that respect and you should too. The bottomline is: he has issues that he needs to sort out otherwise he cannot truly make you happy or ANY other woman for that matter. And leave him be..although at 38, wow.... Look at it as a blessing in disguise and keep it moving. You cannot shut off the feelings, but atleast make a mental list of why you don't want him/need him and how you're going to move forward. It will take some time but before you realize...you're not that hung up on him anymore.
Beeotch Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 It's good that he went for professional help and found it beneficial. If he cannot afford to pay for professional help, he can always read about his situation. After you've read the He's Scared She's Scared book, see if he's willing to read it and discuss it with you. There's also another book called "Make Up, Don't Break Up" by Bonnie Weil which is also a good read on this issue. I hope you realise making someone your EVERYTHING is unhealthy on your part. Part of the reason you have found yourself in this situation is that no one wants the responsibility to be their partner's EVERYTHING. You have put too much of a burden on your guy and it is scaring him away. As you'll discover in reading the book, not only is "He's Scared", but "She's (you) scared" too. Just as he has some work to do on himself, you need to work on yourself too. In a romantic relationship, both partners also need to have a life that is independent of the romantic partner. Do you have hobbies or friends you can hang out with? Get out there and take a class, go for walks, enjoy the world. Do something that you enjoy. That is what will make you healthier and more attractive to a partner. I very much agree
Author Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 I think I need help. I don't like sharing my personal life with people. I play a ton of sports and know a ton of people from these teams I play on...but I don't want to spend time with any of them and I don't want them knowing about my personal life. My girlfriends are all married with children, and although I love them, they are busy and don't have the time to deal with my single life drama. So I do have friends I'd do things with, but when they are all married, I'd want my BF to come with too so I wasn't a 3rd wheel. I also played many sports w/o my boyfriend. I wasn't with him 24/7, I would go do my own things too. But he was my everything in respect to he was my confidant, my best friend, my lover. He was the one I wanted to share everything with, good or bad. He was my go-to person. When making plans, he was always the one I wanted to make plans with first. If he was busy, I'd sometimes make other plans. As for being someones everything.... thats how my parents are, that how my brother and his wife are, thats how my sister and her husband are.... and they are all happily married. Is being each others everything (not only thing, but their everything) so bad? I'm not saying I had nothing outside of him... I just wanted to share everything in my life with him! He was my #1! Is that bad?
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 When love becomes an obsession, hell yes. I bet if you were to ask your parents, your brother/his wife and your sister/her husband, they would all give you different viewpoints on how their relationships work. Given that you don't like to open up, I would hazard a guess that you neither probe, not expect others to open up to you either. So what you're seeing is purely from your own assumption and point of perception. Yes, I'm just guessing here, but I think if you see 'happily married' you don't actually know for sure that this is the case. Being each others' everything is wonderful - providing you are your own everything first. Your happiness does not hinge, or depend on someone else's presence in your life. happiness is being completely comfortable with who you are, and thriving on your own independence. Even if you are sharing the road with a special someone.
Author Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 The thing is, these people only get scared when they actually really like/love this person and commitment seems inevitable or creeping up on them....but they can have a grand time if they don't actually like someone a lot. So him talking to other women....that doesn't mean he doesn't have issues. He doesn't love them or have to commit to them so it is all fun and games and he doesn't have any anxiety about it. With my ex's issues...I have learned to separate MYSELF from HIS PROBLEMS. I used to take everything personal and believe that maybe he didn't want ME maybe it was something to do with ME...then I realized, NO ACTUALLY....it is HIM! So now...I view it in that respect and you should too. The bottomline is: he has issues that he needs to sort out otherwise he cannot truly make you happy or ANY other woman for that matter. And leave him be..although at 38, wow.... Look at it as a blessing in disguise and keep it moving. You cannot shut off the feelings, but atleast make a mental list of why you don't want him/need him and how you're going to move forward. It will take some time but before you realize...you're not that hung up on him anymore. I think you are right B. Thank you! That was really eye opening. I can't take it personally. These are his issues, it's not me. I really believe that he loved me the best he could or knew how. These other women are just fillers for his void right now. It still hurts, but I can't make this my problem like I have been. I miss him so much... I wish he could fix himself!!! Darn it! Granted, I think I have things to work on too. So thank you!
PinkToes Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 The thing is, these people only get scared when they actually really like/love this person and commitment seems inevitable or creeping up on them....but they can have a grand time if they don't actually like someone a lot. So him talking to other women....that doesn't mean he doesn't have issues. He doesn't love them or have to commit to them so it is all fun and games and he doesn't have any anxiety about it. This was my experience too, with an ex. The closer we got, the more he pulled away. We'd come home from a really nice vacation, and he'd disappear, making plans with other friends, and forgetting to tell me where they were meeting up. And he used to say he wanted to have to "fight for my time" -- even though I had a pretty good life outside of the relationship and wasn't exactly waiting around for him. But if I were busy 4 nights a week, he'd be busy 5 nights a week, so it always looked like I was available, and I'm guessing that scared him. Last I heard, he was still dancing in & out of relationships, and heading for the door when things got too close. And this has been going on for years now.
phoenix1 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 My ex keeps telling me how wonderful of a person I am and that if he were able to settle down and commit to someone, that I am the person he would want to be with. But he knows he is not able to settle down and commit and doesn’t want to keep hurting me, so we can’t be together. If he can’t settle down and commit, and if he wants me, then why is he calling other women? It hurts how quickly he has been able to move on too. It’s only been a month and a half… how can he even think about another women? He says he still misses me…. But yet he goes out with other women… How can he do that if he misses me? I literally get sick at the thought of going out with someone else… I only want to be with him. I miss him so much! I don’t get it and it hurts so much!!!! (Our history = we were together for 3 yrs. I‘m 33, he is 38)[/QUOTe] My ex told me all that, and that he's a fool, and he's going to regret losing me, I would be the perfect life partner, etc. And he said he really wants to settle down but....? There's this part of him that can't, won't...and he's not willing to look at it. So, so painful, when you know they love you and they want to be with you, yet it won't work. I also totally feel for your feelings about how he was your lover, confidant, etc. I feel like i lost my best friend. I can't tell you how many times in a day I think how I want to tell him something, show him something, but I can't, he's gone. It is so painful. @Beeotch -yeah, I agree it's easy for these CP types to be with those other women, especially when they love you. YOU and their feelings for you make them panic. Someone they just met, or have been involved with for a short time doesn't bring up that anxiety. And they go right out and get with someone because they can't be by themsleves, feeling their feelings, so they need a distraction @Pink toes -I had a really active outside life, and was really busy, but he still felt crowded. I really don't think I was crowding, I think that's just how he felt. Oh, and ironically when I was busy sometimes, he would be disapointed and pouty. No win situation.
Author Losing Faith Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 Phoenix - sounds like you can relate very much so. I am sorry for your pain too. So what has become of you and your ex? How long ago did this happen for you? How are you doing these days?
phoenix1 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 We had two breaks in 6 months after 2 1/2 yrs of almost bliss. This time it's been about 5 weeks, only 7 days NC. We tried to be friends and it was disastrous. Actually he really betrayed me, as a friend, after that sad but sweet ending we had. Now things really suck How do I feel? Well, I guess it depends on which day, which minute. Some days I feel almost every emotion at different times. Some days i feel like I'm gonna lose it. Some days I feel sorta OK, only sorta. I expect to be recovering from this broken heart for awhile. I would love to get back together, and honestly fantasize about it some times. But the truth is, if nothing changes, nothing changes. We would end up in the same place - again.
Author Losing Faith Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 I am so sorry for your pain Phoenix. We can do this, we can move on from this and be happier!!!! I think one of the toughest things to do is give up hope of a future with my ex. I too dream of how we are going to re-unite and how happy will be and have a wonderful future together forever! But reality is.... if he doesn't get help to over-come his phobia's and deal with his issues....there will be no future different then it is now for us. And I don't want to be in this same situation in a year, I want to be happy and in love! I can't save my ex, he has to save himself if he ever wants a stable relationship. All my best to everyone!
mr heartbroken Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 hi, i am going through the same sort of thing right now. she tells me that i am this great guy any lady would be lucky to be with me blah blah. he is keeping you at arms lenth. He will contact you and say he is missing something about you. dont answer the phone. So many people are telling you this for a reason. I blanked my ex's txt and then blanked her phone call about 10 weeks or so without contact and i felt so much better. she then phone twice and i thought twice in the space of an hour. I thought something was wrong so i called back she wanted to meet up and talk BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!! She messed with my head and i am back to whare i started. for you sake USE THE THE NO CONTACTRULE. this is just my opinion hope it helps
Author Losing Faith Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Well... it took me almost 2 months... But I have FINALLY started NC. I am only on day two and he hasn't attempted to contact me yet... but I know he will. I feel like I am on the verge of a break down...it's time I stop allowing him to hurt me. He broke up with me, but he still wants me in his back pocket!!! FORGET IT!!! I am done, I am freeing myself from him. (Plus, he is seeing someone else already!). I need to do this for ME!!!! I deserve to be happy and smile again. I will not let him have this power over me to keep me down like he has... that selfish bastered!!!!! Wish me luck and give me strenghth... I will need it!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I wish you luck, you give you hope, we give you strength. Never stop posting, whatever happens... if you feel weak, come in and vent at us, we can take it. And we're on your side....!
phoenix1 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Yes, keep us posted. I am curious to see how your situation turns out, as it is almost scary how the same it is as mine. I am today on day 14 of NC, and I'll be honest - there are times, like right now, where I want to contact him so bad! But the thing about NC is it will give you time to think, get a clear head and if the relationship is going to get a second chance, you can hopefully make decisions from a better place. I know people say NC is for you, not to make your ex miss you, or get back together. But, you know if that's what I need to tell my self to do successful NC right now, oh well. And the benefit is, even if those are the reasons, the time will still benefit me until I am ready to do NC from a place more for me and my healing.
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