Is it worth a second chance?????

[jacksab]

I have been married for 13 years with 3 children(DNA proven)

I am totally faithful to my wife since we got married and my vows are clean till now. 10 years ago my wife went to have an affair with a married man from 1999-2002 making breaks from 2000 becos she had my baby.

Since 2002 she break ties with the lover after her abortion.

They slept 5x together and the fifth time my wife invited him to our home when I was away. The end scenario my wife got pregnant,manipulated me thats its mine and becos i never suspected her took my money and Abort the baby for fear of being caught or loosing me.

Since then,it has been kept secret and I never knew about it. Last month I got a hint from a friend, I asked my wife and she confess to all and ask for forgiveness. I am a believer and i know i have biblical grounds for divorce.Is is worth a second chance?

The question is, CAN I FORGIVE HER BUT NOT STAYED MARRIED TO HER?

She said she is sorry but I don’t believe she is sorry because I found out and thats where the confession came.

Please help.

[BW007]

Oh man. You have got a lot to work through. As an outsider, I don't know if you can trust her ever again. 1. She screwed somebody for a LONG time behind your back 2. She was willing to lie about a pregnancy. She has a serious character problem.... On the other hand I can understand the compulsion to WANT to turn the other cheek but I don't know. I have had a re-think on all bull****ting from my ex and I have come to realize what a friggin' liar she was for years! That hurts a lot to face and because you love the person you want to think better of them, but it may be time to assert your Alpha male manhood and tell her to piss off.

 

Unlike the smarter people on LS, I sometimes think a person can forgive some really terrible stuff. I know there are things that I would genuinely like to be forgiven for and it would not blow up in the other persons face.

 

It is really a question of how much you can tolerate and REALLY forgive. I hate to say it but I think your future with her has been poisoned and to be happy it may be with someone else.

[jacksab]

VERY DISSAPOINTING.

i am very hurt to hear it and i am very more worried to see my kids.How is custody shared in Canada as we r new here.

i am moving out soon if nothing helps,i hv tried councilling but not helping becos the pain is HEAVY.What can i do to heal it apart from moving out that i have decided to move out soon and let her alone?

Can i be ok when i move out?do i hv to let her out to find place for herself or i am the one who hv to move out?THANKS

[jacksab]

LETS CONSIDER ALL THIS FACTS AND SEE WHERE WE STAND......I will of course take advice from experts and move ahead on it.

1.My wife and her friend who gave me the tip has known each other for 8 years but she did not know about the affair by then till the last 2 months when she found out and told me to be on the look out.But she also made it clear to me that if i kick my wife whom i hv 3kids with out,she will keep me for herself.More coal on the fire always,more tips and etc.

2.When she was confronted,she immidiatly told me all what was involve,i mean everything till even the D***k size of the man.She repeatedly said it was not anything fun but i could not stop after my first time for fear he will blow it.she did not try to lie about it but told me all the details

She kept it secret for the fear that if i know i will divorce her.

However,in 2004,she went to speak to a PASTOR in a church and confessed all to him and ask the guy to lead her to me for confession,the guy said no.Do not tell him because u may loose ur marriage(Stupid Pastor)

3.Yes,in the begginning i thought its over but then i consider my kids and how connected they are to me and her,WAO then its killing me.

4.She is willing to do anything i ask from POLYGRAPH to anything.She said she has been very faithful since the abortion in 2002 that thought her a lesson.She went to be a believer in 2003 and living a christian life just that her fears of loosing me could not let her tell me.

She is very remorseful,her dad knows,her sister knows,all the pastors in her church knows because she told them to save the marriage.

When she was pregnant,i was told its mine,by then she said,its not good to make a new baby now since our daughter was about 2y5months,so she manipulated me and we both agreed to abort the baby but me not knowing it wasnt mine.

She knew the baby was his and not mine and did not want to keep it.

She said she was afraid in all the scenerio,she said,in 5x that we met,the maximum time was 1-2hrs together and its always during my break from wk.I only once took all my cloths off but all the rest i only pull my down only.I was not happy with it but when the 1st one happened i was afraid if i refuse him i will be told on by himself.Talking about remorse,She is very very sorry,very remorseful and lost about 15kilos since july 3rd.

She always wanted to tell me since 2002 but the fears was killing her.5months ago she called a pastor near our home and told him when she sees me something is haunting her but she is afraid to confront me.the man prayed with her whiles she was in the washroom.

4months during s*x she stopped me and said i hv TO TELL U SOMETHING,when i stopped she cried and said its ok,not now.Me with my stupidity thinking its maybe a harsh S*x and it pains stopped and go slow.

Now she is telling me all this.In 2004 my wife collapsed at home at 5am and i took her to the doctor and we were told,all is ok just that she think too much.

Its hard to treat a good man BAD and live a good life.

In all,She is ready for Ploygraph,She is ready for thyrapy,she is ready for all that will make her marriage work.The only affair she had was the one she told me,she said nothing else,if there is i will tell u just to make it to u.I dont want to hide anything.She told me many secrets besides the affair.How they met,Why she did it.Her reason,i was mad at you,i thought u were flirting outside becos u came home most of the times Late.I was doing this only becos i was angry and nothing else,no love and not for sex reasons.

ADVICE PLEASE

[jacksab]

Going for Polygraph test tommorow to uproot more about the affair and any other secret to help me decide wether or not a second chance is possible

[fawn]

I would say no, be there for the kids but she has done too much damage at this point.

[jacksab]

I would say no, be there for the kids but she has done too much damage at this point.

 

The second guy is not my husband. He just wants to be now, after all of that!

Thanks to all who really helped me through this,i am very grateful that i am able to be a part of this forum and most of all i have had lots of advices from great people who cares for al.

Today was my decision making day and it being decided to the best of my knowledge.As far as the polygraph is concerned,i have every information that i needed and as a result of that have given my wife a SECOND chance wholeheartedly.

Before we hit the road i prepared several questions for her and made her answer them when we were waiting for the examiner,becos she thought these are the questions or some of them are going to be asked she responded to them clearly and truthfully.I will post some here but they are too much and cannot type all here just a few.............

She was asked did u flirt out of love?NO

There is no one i love like my husband,I acted out of anger.Nothing there did i like but just could not be bold to call it a quit for fears of him blowing it.

2.since we hv been married how many men hv you hv sex with=1....The one i told my husband of.

3.since we have been married,how many men hv u tried to hv sex with=NONE

This man preyed on me

I never planned anything myself i just felt a victim.

Have u ever loved anyone from past to present apart from ur husband?NO,

I love my husband and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

5.When you invited your lover to ur home in 2002,did u know b4 hand that there will be sex...=NO

I cut ties in 1999 after we met 4x spontaneously and after 3years never contacted him.When he called me in 2002,he always wanted to come see me but i refused from January -April.when he contineously ask to see me i thought if i will refuse he will blow it.I thought he will just come and see me and leave,.When he came we happened to hv sex without me prepared b4 hand for it and thats why i got pregnant.

5.Does anyone satisfy u sexually...YES

6.Who?my husband out of all those i hv known b4 my husband.

7.Did u hv sex with the OM becos u were angry and suspicious of ur husband?=YES

8.do u plan to spen the rest of ur life with ur husband?YES,and if he leaves me i hv no reason to live.

9.Hv u told ur husband everything about ur past relationships/lovers..YES.

10.Do u hv feelings for ur lover?NO,never did,after our 1st sex,i told a friend i dont love him but i am afraid he will blow it if i cut now.

11.did u meet him only 5xs=YES,not any good mind meetings,i was always on my break and sex with him was never planned by me b4 hand.I never enjoyed any of the 5x.

11.Did u love ur lover at least for the time u met ur lover?NO,NEVER

12.Did u ever called him becos u wanted sex from him...NO

13.Did u ever called him becos u missed him........NO,Never,i never called him on my own becos i never like what i was doing to my husband but i was called by him and most of the times i refuse to meet him.

14.Do u regret,..........YES,i regreted after my 1st meeting and that i am hurting my husband that i truly love.If u see my face,i hv black spots out of the guilt i felt for the last 8yrs and i couldnt open up for fear of loosing my husband.

15.Did u ever go down on him?NO,NEVER.

whenever we meet,i am on my break from wk,and i was always in a hurry to go or to be home.I always just did a quick sex to let him release so he can keep the secret b4 my husband knows.

16.Did he ever ask u to go down on him.NO,even if he has asked,i wouldnt hv done it

17.Did u ever spoke nasty about ur husband to him...YES,i told him my husband goes and return late and i think he is flirting.

18.Do u want to save ur marriage.VERY MUCH

What do u hv to say?

I will go everywhere to save my marriage,i hv never loved anyone than my husband,i want him to know i was just preyed on and that the devil was there that time.I never enjoyed anything in this i just suffered for 10 years of carring it.

WELL folks,i am going to write my wife a second chance letter and send to her PASTOR and will post a copy here.

NOW,not all the questions here were asked by the examiner but some of them i asked her when we were in the waiting room.Becos she knew the die is cast she was shaking and answering them.

Here we go,i found out,she is not a serial cheater,i hv 3 kids with her,invested 13yrs in this,worth a second chance and i am giving it till she ever proves me wrong again.

she is buying me my favourite SUV on the 17th (BMW X5) to render an apology to me officially.Her dad,mom bros and sis as well as her pastors are all showing up in the ceremony becos they are all aware of it.

After that i will see if i want her to re-commit herself to me.

In all,she has lost 29kiols in 2 months,she looks very SAD and depressed and i hv guaranteed FORGIVENESS and ready to built trust one step at a time.

I will post the second chance letter here.

[Broseph]

Good luck and look forward to your future post

[jacksab]

THANKS FOLKS.................

MESSAGE FOR MY WIFE WHO WAS UNFAITHFUL TO ME

SEPT 12TH 2009 TORONTO CANADA

SECOND CHANCE TOGETHER I have met so many important people who LOVE, who cares, who really cares and I am in shock where I am.I did not know or even if I knew I never believe that there are people who want others to be on the right track.Does that make me feel different? I have no idea.

After you choose your friend over me(your husband that you made a vow to) after you choose your lover over me(your husband) after you put me in jail,(your husband) just because you can have a better life with your friend and your Lover, After you cut phone lines, cancelled my bank card, closed all what was in your name because I trusted you and put your name on all those days, After you left me not a penny from the work I have done by closing my bank card and all what I can use. After you brought your lover to the house you and I live/share, after you have sex on the bed you and I share, after you manipulated me to get money that could have bought milk for my kids but instead used it to make abortion as a result of sex on the bed you and I share with your lover ,After you were able to lie to me to manipulate me to follow you to make abortion that has got nothing to do with me even though you know I HATE abortion, after you lied to me of going to work but rather you did not but went to meet your lover at work to have sex with him at the work place, after you put genera(birth control pill) in your friends house only for me to believe that you are ready for my baby, after you walk with your lover responding my phone calls and telling me you are at work, After you signed on a house buying contract for your lover without telling me. After you did many things I will not write here, after after after after and the lies can’t finish because I have learnt to believe that one has to lie to cover previous lies. Trust is such a foundation to build any relationship on let alone a marriage and is so hard to get back once lost. How much easier if one stops and thinks of the consequences long term and sees the person

I believe, as you do, that honesty is essential in marriage, but you does not.

You should have thought about how hurting my feelings would be when you cheated. Your marriage, the kids and my feelings should have mattered to you, should have been foremost in your heart and mind, but they weren't. And why not? You only regret it because you got told on. You certainly didn't regret it enough NOT to do it FOR SEVERAL YEARS.

Now you're sad because you must face the consequences of losing my trust.You are crying daily because the end is cast.

You have shown me a different face; you are not the person I thought you are. So now you doubt yourself. How do you say that you LOVE me when I didn't matter enough to you to be faithful to me? Your "love" seems very weak. Truly I just found out that all these years I have been living a lie because of YOUR actions toward me, and I paid to abort another man's baby out of that.You cheat on a husband who truly loves you before even telling me how your feeling, you are destroying me. The pain of having your wife, the only person in the world you trust stab you in the back like that, hurts so much that there are no words in any language that can describe the pain.

Living with you now as flesh in my soul is like living with my enemy, it’s like living with someone who can do all for her interest and not OUR interest as I have always done.

I will pray for Forgiveness from God and forgiveness from the man you slept with because you obviously had to lie to him about me to be able to feel good.I know all this and many more, my Judge will be Christ and my answers will always be from him. It deeply hurts, Lies upon lies really hurts. It is killing me and it makes me want to die but I do need to live if not for me at least for my children whom I really LOVE.

You feel good, I know you feel good to see me in pain because you think it PROVES how much I Love you and how much it’s fine to betray me.

YES, Correct, it’s absolutely correct, I do love you and I have done that since I met you.

But remmember, Jesus came so that our sins will be forgiven.

[COLOR=navy]BUT:[/COLOR].........................contd

[jacksab]

I have 3 good reasons to show forgiveness, Love and Care in this matter. I have 3 beautiful kids that I so much LOVE and will die for them, I have 3 LIFES I brought to the world to make me happy when I am in pain. I have these kids to make me make good decisions for their future. I know this is something I got to do but that don't mean I want to. 1 John 4:16-19

Jesus killers thought they are giving Jesus a death sentence so that his kingship will finish. They are loosers, if they knew that Christ is dieing only to be the greatest king they would not have done it,

Are you grateful Jesus forgave your sins? Are you really grateful? Well this is my time of testing to show Him(JESUS) how much I love Him by loving and forgiving you. I am happy for this time in my spiritual growth; it makes me more like Him (Jesus).

I know and understand that for me as a Flesh and blood, my trust and respect in you has been stripped away. Being with you again is a duty I must make for the sake of the children you and I brought to the world. I will do it for them so that I can be sure of raising Engineers,presidents and doctors in my family .

Remember this place is not our home, we are a pilgrim. The home is when God calls us.I will make my decisions not based upon faith because just because you "claim" to be born again doesn't mean you are.I know this may seem hard to believe but nothing in Christianity or any other religion will make me feel better about what happened. People of all faiths cheat on their spouses and many of them just fall into it.I have to look at this seriously, we have been together for 13 years, 1996-2009 that is not just a relationship...its two lives that have merged into one and created others in the process. It’s hard to imagine that you could do that since I have been so faithful for 13 years that we have been married. Sometimes people do make bad mistakes and regret later on. Instead, I am considering the anguish you are/has been going through since the extra marital affair which is termed adultery, and that you wanted to "come clean" 5 years ago, and was thwarted by a social pastor, who you probably thought of as an authority- or father- figure."Out of self and into others": This is the core teaching of Jesus Christ, is it not? I'm just asking that, even though my world is in turmoil now, I will try to look beyond your own hurt and pain, to the humiliation and pain you must be feeling. Also, I consider the children. You and the children need me now more than ever. I consider that you have been a good and faithful companion, despite the slip-up. I'd suggest renewing your commitment to me and I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage, because it sounds like it's worth saving if not for us I will do it for the children.Again, Trust is something that is regained after a period of time. It has to be won back & proved it by actions.The kids are ours and I above all else, have a duty by them to be their father.

I am going to give you the benefit of doubt until the day if ever you prove me wrong.

I will be the man and will stand up for you and the children I so much love to death.I will not do it for myself neither will I do it for you but I think about the kids. They would be going through a lot with a divorce/seperation.i have to start thinking about others- not just me. I am ready to be the bigger person for the life of the kids and forgive you. As much as I am very hurt for your betrayal, I will do the right thing, according to me doing the right thing is by giving you a new life with me and our kids. I do understand how you feel about it. It is hard to believe what I am writing but look at it this way, if God did not want me to know he wouldn’t have opened it years after. But the lord did it maybe to test my love for you and the kids. 1 John 4:8 So I don't want to look at it as a bad thing that I know it now. I understand the lies over the years but that is in the past and that is where it should stay. Time is the biggest thing in life and time is what will heal me. I just remembered that the love I have for our kids is all a man has in this world and that love will do a lot. I think it’s human to err and divine to forgive. I have forgiven you and we will move on to the next chapter in our lives.

Believe me women cheat but then they realize that the guy they cheated with only viewed them like a piece of meat instead of a fragile vase like a loving husband views a wife. I am glad I am able to forgive you, something very hard, especially for a man of flesh to do. I’m sure God is proud and you too should feel proud.

FORGIVENESS IS GREATER THAN VENGEANCE, COMPASSION MORE POWERFUL THAN ANGER Time will help, and will go on Gods strength day by day not my own.I am ready to give you a second chance through storms and back, Many things have happened in the past, and many things have changed. It doesn't matter how much time has gone by. Time could never make my feelings for you and my kids weak or fade away. Now we are getting back together to give us one more chance. Love, trust, understanding, affection, honesty, tolerance and loyalty are key factors for a successful relationship.I forgive you and give you unconditional love just because I care and Jesus is watching.For you I advice taking active position in your church to show Jesus how much you love him and how much he has help you and continuously helping you. Do his work if u are called upon, walk in light read and understand your bible for there is no other than Him.

IF angels are truely angels and devils are nothing but demons who only do bad,then the angel u dont know is better than the devil u know.

"You cannot put your trust in man! God learnt that lesson from Adam."

".....Whatever is true,whatever is honorable,whatever is right,whatever is pure,whatever is lovely,whatever is of good repute,if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise,let your mind dwell on these things"

I will end here and say may the one who takes care of Israel be with you all the time.AND REMMEMBER“wisdom is the principal thing;therefore get wisdom:and with all thy getting,GET UNDERSTANDING.(Prov 4:7)

 

Good Luck

Jacksab

[seoa]

Why she did it.Her reason,i was mad at you,i thought u were flirting outside becos u came home most of the times Late.I was doing this only becos i was angry and nothing else,no love and not for sex reasons.

I agree that she was wrong to have the affair... I agree that you need to forgive her if you are both going to move on...

 

I would be interested to know if you have asked *her* for forgiveness for your part in this...

 

For your actions in making her angry (as you mention above), and for her being unable to tell you for 10 years for fear of your reaction...

 

From everything you have said, it doesn't sound like this was 100% her fault, and I think that you will find it easier to move forward if you can begin to admit your part in it...

 

Maybe a starting point would be to discuss this with God - ask him what *he* thinks you need his forgiveness for at this point...

[jacksab]

I would be interested to know if you have asked *her* for forgiveness for your part in this...

 

we are in the church councilling asking God for directions on what to do

updates coming

[jacksab]

All who read my post....................The wife of the OM called me from back home where we use to live to ask me of a voice recording i did when my wife first spoke to the OM about her telling me the secret.

The OMs wife wants this voice recording as a proof to kick him from home.The problem is,they also currently have 3 kids and i wouldnt want them to put burden on the kids becos of something that happened 7yrs ago.

What do u think?Do i mail it to her or NOT?

ADVICE PLEASE

[jacksab]

From everything you have said, it doesn't sound like this was 100% her fault, and I think that you will find it easier to move forward if you can begin to admit your part in it...

Maybe a starting point would be to discuss this with God - ask him what *he* thinks you need his forgiveness for at this point...

 

Today was wild,my wife nearly passed.She ws very depressed and i thought its over and i will have to grow my kids alone.We went to councelling and during the session she said i have to make u aware that,i did not do anything good in my affair.My 5x meeting was for him and not mine.I never even held or touch his D***k never,besides not even once did i cum,also,our normal day of s*x was about 20mins quickie and off we leave.There was a time he wanted to bring hands to my P***Y and i kick her hands off and thats all.

For him,we will go in,talk a bit,if i am still dressed,he will pull my trousers down and just push in his D**k and finish.I never did anything happy there,i am regreting and i feel so foolish how i could let him use me.I have lived a regretful life since then and i think i am very stupid.Nothing there was mine except the name CHEATER did i put on myself.Just as she finished to speak while tears were flowing,she fainted and blood flow her,the councellor who is my church pastor prayed and we called the ambulance,but she became ok later on.I have vowed not to mention this anymore.I hv also ask the councellor to talk to us on building and not recalling the situation anymore.

I have to save her life and move on.My kids and i need her.

Thanks and i will update u all when there is new.We have another appointment tommorow at 5:30 then on monday.