This will never be ok..

[Amalie]

I am 33. I have spent the last 15 years of my life with the love of my life. We have had our ups and many, many downs but through it all we had eachother. He had demons. Demons greater than even I could fix. These demons caught up with him. Last October, I learned of his affair. I flat out dropped to the floor - for months. I wasn't angry with him, I was sad for him and yet another stupid choice. Only this time, the choice broke me. Another stupid decision based on irrational thinking and a search for something to fill the void of a mother who abadoned him at 14 and a father he never knew. A choice that has changed the course of many lives. An irreversible decision. A moment he could never take back. A decision he never really thought would kill me but it did.

 

I stayed. We cried. One step in front of the other. A new chapter in a love story that was so strong. I was strong. I wanted to forgive. He was weak. His guilt overcame him. He drank. and drank. and drank. Paralyzed by the consequences of this decision I watched him fade. I watched him come to conclusions that I never said existed. I watched him give up.

 

I got tough. I said pull your boots up and stop drinking and let's move on. He said there was no moving on. I left. I was good. I gave him space to think. I encouraged him to keep in touch with his kids. I was upbeat and supportive. I never imagined he wouldn't return. He didn't. Phone calls dwindled from daily to weekly and we are now at monthy. His children are devastated. He says he has nothing to offer them. He says he is no good. He says he will never hurt me again.

 

I am crushed. I am beyond crushed. Eleven months since my world turned upside down and five since I grew a backbone and with each passing day I become more upset. I cry. I cry a lot. I am almost back at the beginning again. Pills don't take away my sadness. Counsellors can't help me. Time doesn't heal. He has passed his demons on to me. He is passing his demons onto our girls. He is selfish. I know this. I see this. But still I cry.

 

I question if he ever loved me/us. I know he doesn't love himself. But I loved him. I loved him with every ounce of everything in me. My sweet beautiful funny baby who I know is more privately devastated than I could ever imagine. But selfish. He is drowning his pain with young girls, alcohol and drugs. I can't imagine it. The happy go lucky who loved Christmas and sliding with his girls. Now a scumbag, druggie who can't even bother making a phone call to see how his girls are doing. How does one go from loving and laughing with their children to nothing. I know it's misplaced shame. What a sick world. What a sick game. I'm lost.

 

I want to let go. My brain has a million reasons why I should but my heart has a million reasons why I can't. I often can't see a reason to get up in the morning. Why do I want to continue? The truth is I don't. My life feels like it has come to a close. I know my girls should be my reason. I can't deal with the confusion in my head. It's all a bad dream. My love was truly till death do us part. I am dead. And this hope, well if this hope doesn't screw off I'm never going to recover. I should be angry. I should be defensive for my kids. I should be a lot of things that I am not. How do you learn to unlove someone so that you can move forward. What if time just makes things harder. If I weren't so young and healthy I'm positive I would have already died of a broken heart. Damn being young and healthy. I know that wonderful things might lie ahead for me. Love without demons. I don't want those wonderful things. I want my life back. I want my daughters to smile at his mindless silliness again. I want them to know the person I knew. I hate this. Everyday is torture. I don't know how to fix this sadness and loss of faith. Will someone who has felt like me please tell me there is life after this kind of heartbreak. I need guidance.

[caramel c]

I've never gone through anything like this and I don't even know what to say.

 

This will not kill you. Your soul is very much alive to be able to feel what you are. There is nowhere to go but forward. I wish I could comfort you more, I wish I could take this all away from you right now.

 

The best I can do for you is pray for you. I am doing that right now as I click on submit reply.

[Losing Faith]

My dear Amalie, no one should have to go through the pain you are feeling right now. I don't even know what to tell you. Keep breathing, tomorrow is going to keep coming. It's going to be tough, but you can do this, it will get better. Let your daughters be your inspiration. Look at what a blessing they are and be thankful for them.

 

It is tough to love someone who doesn't love themselves. He has to love himself for him to love you back. You might have to let him go and let him rock bottom before he brings you and your daughter down. I know you want him back, but he needs to heal himself before he can truely be with you.

 

I will pray for strength for you.

[soheartbroken]

I think there are some out there who can tell you it can get better. But a lot of us on LS are going through the pain ourselves, wondering if we ourselves will get through it.

 

But listen. I don't want to trivialize what you are going through. This is one of the most heartbreaking posts I have seen written on these forums. But keep in mind that people survive the death of their spouse...which is essentially what you're going through.

 

Can I ask why you think counseling doesn't help? What about joining a support group?

 

Please keep posting when you feel the need.

[D-Lish]

You can't simply stop loving a person~ but you CAN say NO MORE.

 

You've taken all his problems and pain and made them yours. You have to let go of that.

 

Start focusing on all the good that is in front of you.

 

His problems belong to him and only him. The alcohol, drugs, and whores' aren't your cross to bear. He's choosing where he wants to be~ and you can choose where you want to be.

 

Stop punishing yourself, stop waiting for him.

Forge your own path.