Losing Faith Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I'm sorry to say this to you, but I think you should send the letter to her. I believe in having no regrets and telling this person how you feel and what you appreciated about them. I'd write it in a serious tone, being sincere and letting her know how she has impacted your life for the better. I'd write it kind of as a good-bye letter, wanting to tell her these things before you never get the chance to tell her. As for hoping to speak again someday... I'd say it something like this, "Maybe someday our path will cross again on different terms"....???? I know most people are saying to not send it. But to me... I look at it as you are thanking her and letting her know that it was not her fault. Your letting her know how wonderful she really is (but not in a stalker/creepy way). Is it bad to be kind to an ex that you care about? You are just wishing her well... nothing more. Whats so bad about that? I know I was appreciate a letter from my ex, telling me how he appreciated me and how he realizes now that he took me for granted. I wish you the best SBH. Good luck with what you do. Most importantly, remember to forgive yourself for this.
GrayClouds Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Regreat is a good thing if you use it right. Do not ue it to beat yourslef up but use it to motivate yourself to become a better person. This is no longerr about her and you, its about you. Try to figure out why you behaved like you did, get professional help if needed. Its all about the action you take now to improve yourself.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 You're absolutely right, GrayClouds. The regret has motivated me to deal with my issues. It's still hard not to beat myself up though. LF: did you ever speak to the ex who sent you the letter again? Would you feel weird speaking to the person after receiving such a letter? Thanks Mea. I think I will sleep on it.
PinkToes Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I need her to forgive me, I need to forgive myself, and I need her to tell me that I'm not a bad person. This is the part that concerns me about sending a letter at this point. Would you be able to send it and let it go? Would it be enough for you to apologize and never know whether that made a difference to her? I just know that if it were me, at that stage of a breakup, it would be too difficult to send a letter without hoping for a response. And there's also the risk that any response could cause you more pain. That's why I'm suggesting that you write it and put it aside. Also writing a letter without the intention of sending it immediately might free you to say whatever you really feel, without wondering how your words might affect her. I have a feeling that your need to write a letter might be stronger than her need to know you have regrets, at least right now.
Losing Faith Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 LF: did you ever speak to the ex who sent you the letter again? Would you feel weird speaking to the person after receiving such a letter? I never received a letter, but I have had ex's call me months and years after we've broken up and tell me what a fool they were for leaving me and how they regret taking me for granted. It was nice to hear that. I appreciated hearing it. After spending so much time together and loving someone for so long, and if both parties were respectful, it seems natural to keep in touch. I look at my ex's as, "we tried our best, we tried to make it work, it just didn't happen. But we tried. No hard feelings for that. You can't always choose who you love." I don't talk to my ex's often and I'm not hanging out with them, but we get in touch about once a year or so. Our conversations are very kind and encouraging, being happy for each other (no flirting or being mean). This is the part that concerns me about sending a letter at this point. Would you be able to send it and let it go? Would it be enough for you to apologize and never know whether that made a difference to her? I just know that if it were me, at that stage of a breakup, it would be too difficult to send a letter without hoping for a response. And there's also the risk that any response could cause you more pain. That's why I'm suggesting that you write it and put it aside. Also writing a letter without the intention of sending it immediately might free you to say whatever you really feel, without wondering how your words might affect her. I have a feeling that your need to write a letter might be stronger than her need to know you have regrets, at least right now. Pink toes brings up some good points though too. May be just write the letter for now and don't send it. Write the letter for yourself to heal and get things off your chest. May be now isn't the time to be sending it. You'll know when the time is right, and if your questioning if nows the time, then it's not the time. You'll know when because you'll be ready to tell her these things. Your a good person SBH! I wish you well with your endeavors!
fabulous_chk Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Write the letter, don't send it! Save it for when the emotional dusts have settled. Re-read it 6 months from now, then decide if you still want to send that letter.
SummerLady Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I know you'll all say that it takes two people to ruin a relationship. And you're supposed to list all the bad things about the person etc. However, I am one of the rare cases where I really F'd up with a really, really good person. Over the years I wore her down with my negativity, pessimism, anger, and unsupportiveness. She supported me in every way possible, and took care of me. You'll have to take my word for it. She is a great person and will go on to meet someone great. I don't deserve her. I don't think I can live with the regret. I need her to forgive me, I need to forgive myself, and I need her to tell me that I'm not a bad person. How do you get over it when it's your fault? I'm not putting her on a pedestal. It is what it is. How can I live with myself? Any thoughts or experience would be appreciated. I've had an awful day (R was 5 years, been 7 weeks, 9 days NC). Regret is toxic. It does nothing to improve the situation or yourself. I understand it was your fault. You know it. What's done is done. There are many things I regret and I can't change it. Don't focus on it. We all have regret in different ways. Learn from your mistakes and move on. If not you will become stuck. Free yourself. Forgive yourself.
Author soheartbroken Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the input and valuable suggestions.
Exit Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I'm in the exact same boat as you, the words you wrote could have easily come right from my own thoughts. I know I messed up with a great person and everything else you said. I thought the regret would eat at me forever. It's been 4 months and only now am I slowly feeling better. The trick is to make sure you fix every problem with yourself that caused your relationship to fall apart, then you can forgive yourself. I made my ex spend so much time at home with me because I had social anxiety and hated going out in public. Since then I've been to sports bars, gone out to dinner with friends, hung out with people on nights when I felt like just staying home, and now I can forgive myself. I had a short temper and anger issues and I have been fixing those as well. For a long time I felt like her coming back and me forgiving myself went hand-in-hand, and I'd never forgive myself if she never came back, but now I'm seeing that's not true. I can forgive myself because I know I learned from my mistakes and I fixed everything, and it is her choice not to be here seeing me change. As other people have told you, the only useful thing to do with regrets is to learn from them, and then let them go. I promise you will start to feel better if you work on your problems.
Author soheartbroken Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 Thanks for sharing Exit. It's so hard though because since she's not speaking to me, I can only assume that she thinks poorly of me, and is coming to the realization of how messed up I was. And it hurts. How are you dealing with losing "the love of your life"? I feel like I've messed up with the best person I'll ever find, and anyone else will just pale in comparison.
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