soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I know you'll all say that it takes two people to ruin a relationship. And you're supposed to list all the bad things about the person etc. However, I am one of the rare cases where I really F'd up with a really, really good person. Over the years I wore her down with my negativity, pessimism, anger, and unsupportiveness. She supported me in every way possible, and took care of me. You'll have to take my word for it. She is a great person and will go on to meet someone great. I don't deserve her. I don't think I can live with the regret. I need her to forgive me, I need to forgive myself, and I need her to tell me that I'm not a bad person. How do you get over it when it's your fault? I'm not putting her on a pedestal. It is what it is. How can I live with myself? Any thoughts or experience would be appreciated. I've had an awful day (R was 5 years, been 7 weeks, 9 days NC).
Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I don't know if the NC is your choice or her's... But I think admitting your faults/wrong doings from the relationship and taking FULL responsiblity for your actions would be a start. Then apologize for them and let her know what your doing to change your ways or how your making improvements in your life. (How are you becoming a better person? If you haven't changed from that same person that you were to her, then how can you be sorry? You have to have made changes to who you are.). Then let her know how great she was and how you took her for granted. But if you have excuses for your actions or are going to try to justify your wrong doings... then don't bother apologizing to her. Thats not an apology, that is just covering your butt! Best wishes.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks for the reply LF. The NC was her idea I guess. So I don't think apologizing and telling her I will change is a good idea. I might apologize in the future, but I need to keep in NC for awhile. She won't care if I'm making changes. If I tell her that will make me look pathetic. She even told me not to change for her, but to change for myself. Its OVER. I was thinking of writing her a letter one day, just telling her how proud I actually am of her, and how much I regret how I treated her. But for now it's just me and my thoughts. I don't think the letter is appropriate just yet.
caramel c Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I think you are right that she needs space for a while. She was hurt, and she is going through some pain right now. I am not sure what the appropriate amount of time would be to wait. Maybe you can assess the whole situation and come up with what you think is a good time? When that time comes, you must go in full force. If she does not respond to your initial contact, keep trying. Let her know what your intentions are right away. Tell her what you are apologizing for, specifically. Tell her exactly why this won't happen again. Tell her everyting you feel. Stop at nothing. You must be humble and persistent and true. I sincerely hope she gives you a chance and if she does you better behave, young man...
caramel c Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Oh I think I misunderstood. So you are not interested in getting the relationship back, but to apologize and to be on better terms?
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Yes. There is no hope for a future relationship. I have accepted that. It's not even about being on better terms...I just need forgiveness I guess. (We didn't really end on terrible terms, although she does want NC.) And more importantly, I don't know how to live with myself with all the regret. I lost someone really special, so it makes moving on very hard. I can't get angry, or think "I deserve better" or any of the typical cliched stuff. So I'm stuck at the internalizing stage. I know this is pretty deep stuff, sorry. Young woman actually.
caramel c Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Yes. There is no hope for a future relationship. I have accepted that. It's not even about being on better terms...I just need forgiveness I guess. (We didn't really end on terrible terms, although she does want NC.) And more importantly, I don't know how to live with myself with all the regret. I lost someone really special, so it makes moving on very hard. I can't get angry, or think "I deserve better" or any of the typical cliched stuff. So I'm stuck at the internalizing stage. I know this is pretty deep stuff, sorry. Young woman actually. If you are truly sorry then you are forgiven. I am not sure if you believe in God but he knows when you've done wrong and he knows when you are sorry and he forgives you. As far as for her, I am sure if you go about it the right way she will forgive you too. You don't have to carry this with you, you have got to free yourself from the burden and be redeemed.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks Caramel. I won't I won't carry this with me.
caramel c Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks Caramel. I won't I won't carry this with me. Ok, good to hear.
Peanut9330 Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I agree with Caramel if you are truly sorry for what you did than you are forgiven but you also need to forgive yourself and not be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes in life and you acknowledged your mistakes and are truly sorry for what you did and for a lot of people that is a difficult task. I think once you will be able to forgive yourself you will start to heal and start to feel better.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 * Edit: I HOPE I won't carry this with me forever. Anyone have any success stories with this sort of thing?
caramel c Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 * Edit: I HOPE I won't carry this with me forever. Anyone have any success stories with this sort of thing? YES. I don't really want to go into detail but I am not perfect, I have done some things that I am not proud of. Mistakes. Things I would never do again. I am very hard on myself and it took a long time to realize that I didn't have to live in a state of regret. You can't turn back time. But, you can make better decisions in the future. I don't want to sit here and make everything religious because I don't want to offend anybody or start an argument, but my faith got me through this time. God answers my questions in ways I never thought of before I gave him a chance. There is no going back now, I feel the results and I am a much better person. To each his own, this is just my story that I'm happy to share with you.
Peanut9330 Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 * Edit: I HOPE I won't carry this with me forever. Anyone have any success stories with this sort of thing? A few years back I dated this great guy and I kept blowing him off not giving him what he deserved, I really hurt him because he really cared about me, the breakup was difficult and immediately after guilt started to eat away at me, but I knew that he didn’t want me to contact him so I didn’t. However I ended up writing a letter I never sent it to him but in it I wrote how sorry I was for everything that I did, I acknowledged my mistakes and apologized for them and only than I was able to let go and forgive myself. Once I was able to do that I started to heal and a few months later I got the opportunity to tell him how truly sorry I was and for the first time I heard him say I forgive you. I was making myself suffer by being so hard on myself, we all make mistakes but hopefully we learn from them that way in the future we know to deal with certain situations. You need to forgive yourself that's the first step.
icyness Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I agree with Caramel and Peanut. I know there are things I truly am sorry for, but right now, he probably just wouldn't listen. I'm thinking as time passes it will definitely make it so it's their minds are more open to what we have to say. If you are truly sorry and you tell her that one day, she'll know you are serious. Like it's been said by others, forgiving yourself will be just as important. If you love her, are honest, give her that time she needs, and really are sorry, there's nothing more you can say or do; it will be alright in the end. We're only human after all.
caramel c Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 A few years back I dated this great guy and I kept blowing him off not giving him what he deserved, I really hurt him because he really cared about me, the breakup was difficult and immediately after guilt started to eat away at me, but I knew that he didn’t want me to contact him so I didn’t. However I ended up writing a letter I never sent it to him but in it I wrote how sorry I was for everything that I did, I acknowledged my mistakes and apologized for them and only than I was able to let go and forgive myself. Once I was able to do that I started to heal and a few months later I got the opportunity to tell him how truly sorry I was and for the first time I heard him say I forgive you. I was making myself suffer by being so hard on myself, we all make mistakes but hopefully we learn from them that way in the future we know to deal with certain situations. You need to forgive yourself that's the first step. Thats very important, to forgive yourself. That must have taken a lot of strength to actually apologize to him for everything. And it proved to be the best thing to do. We owe it to each other to forgive. We all do. If we want to be forgiven, we must forgive.
Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I agree with Caramel and Peanut too.... you need to forgive yourself too! Make peace with yourself is the most important. You are human, you are going to make mistakes. Just try to learn from them as it sounds like you have. You may never be able to get your ex to forgive you... you can't control how she feels, only she can. But you have to be able to forgive yourself. The fact that you recognize your errors is a big step. Be gently on yourself! And I think I hand written letter would be a nice approach to contact her (hoefully your writting is legible). Don't ask or expect a reply, but I think just sending it would be fine. Kindly make it clear your not trying to get back together with her too, so she doesn't get a mixed message. Asking for forgiveness and asking for them back can be closely related. So make sure not to mislead her as that could hurt her. Plus, if she is a good person... she will probably forgive you if you are sincere. But most importantly... forgive yourself.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Good advice LF. Would have to make it clear that I'm not asking for another chance. I'll see how I feel in a couple months about the letter. My other fear is coming across as desperate, not "over it", and creepy. I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she already is, because I do hope we can speak again one day.
Losing Faith Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 My other fear is coming across as desperate, not "over it", and creepy. I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she already is, because I do hope we can speak again one day. It's ok to not be over it! That shows even more so what an impact she had on you and how much you really did care and how sorry you are now. Being vulnerable and showing that you have a heart is NOT a bad thing. It is OK to have feelings. And as for not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable and hoping that you two will be able to speak some day... tell her that. Put that in the letter. It's ok to put your heart out there, you were with her for 5 years!
PinkToes Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Write the letter. Pour out your heart and soul. But don't send it. Keep adding to the letter as other feelings come up. And if you think it would help, write the letter you'd like to receive from her in return. Also realize that holding on to guilt over what you've done in the past will not help you heal. Sometimes we think that continuing to feel bad about something we regret will serve as a sort of penance for ourselves; that we deserve that pain. Not so. Doing something you regret doesn't mean you deserve to suffer forever, and guilt will never change the past. Learning from mistakes is the important thing, and you've clearly done that. That's really all you can do.
Surfer Girl Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Perhaps it will ease your mind if you do send an e-mail.... Explain in the beginning you do not expect a response.... but another thread of yours explained all that you appreciated about her.... Tell her what you appreciated as you did in that thread.... and then leave it be.... perhaps it will be your closure letter.... but IMHO do not ask for another chance... do not beg for forgivines.... just let her know like you did on that other thread... what you appreciate.... and do not sign it Love.... perhaps Take Care... And leave it at that.... don't expect a response... and feel better that you let her know how much you appreciated what she did for you.... Get the closure.... and move on.... Don't make it mushy....
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks everyone. To tell you the truth, I am very apprehensive about sending anything, either now or later. If I send it now, she is probably still in the phase of not really wanting contact from me. On the other hand, she can read it, digest it, and then time can do it's thing. She can chalk it up to early post-breakup trauma on my part. If I wait and send it in a month or so, then I might seem creepy, and still in love with her (and I will be I just don't want to project that image), and like I have mental issues and an inability to cope. Instead of thinking that I've moved on to do successful things and am happy, she will know that I'm still pining away for her. Either way I definitely will not ask for a second chance. I do not need more rejection. Plus the way it seems on these forums is that second chances never work. And I know she would not give me one. You can't make people love you again. Any dumpers have any comments on the timing of the letter? It's been about 7 weeks since the official breakup, 10 days NC.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Should it be lighthearted or very serious (I'm obviously feeling very serious and sad, but maybe I don't want to project that)? Should I mention speaking again sometime like Losing Faith suggested? Would this make a dumper more uncomfortable and less likely to speak with me again? I know she has had some minimal contact with past exes, but they all dumped her. The purpose is to acknowledge that she is a good person and that I have regrets about how I acted. Thank you for all the input so far.
PinkToes Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Write it now, don't plan to ever send it. Just use it to get your feelings out. In a few months, you will feel differently; if you want to write a letter then, it will likely come from a much stronger place. Then you can decide how to proceed. But for now, write everything you'd like to say to her, and put the letter aside.
Author soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks PinkToes. I'm definitely working on the letter now. No plan to send it yet, just wanting to hear some advice, opinions or suggestions. Thank you for your input.
Meaplus3 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Hi there. I think that's a great idea to write a letter. This way you can express all your feelings on paper, I have found that to be a very powerful tool while working through things. Then once the letter is written, you can make the choice as to if you send it or simply keep it. You know, as one of the above posters stated taking full responsibilty for your actions is probably the best way to convey your feelings. It will show you are aware of the mistakes made and that your are beign sincere. Good luck to you. Mea:)
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