pinksugah Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Long story short, I met this new guy who expressed his interest frankly. The only problem is he's a people-pleaser. He tries to please everyone around him while still having his own character/beliefs/etc; it's just who he is and I quiet like it except for the fact that I find it hard to know exactly how deeply he feels for me. He's the type of person who would divide his time between work, family, friends, and love very evenly like exactly 25% each. I don't know how if feels exactly how I feel since most people give the highest or close to highest priority to a potential BF/GF in the relationship. I don't want to ask this early in the relationship and I don't want to live in my own fantasy. Is there any way to figure it out without asking him directly or wasting my time with him. Please help!
Soul Bear Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 He was direct with you, so why not be direct with him too? Live a little.....
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I'm not being facetious here... is he Buddhist? Or Spiritual in any way? really, I'm serious.....
Author pinksugah Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 I'm not being facetious here... is he Buddhist? Or Spiritual in any way? really, I'm serious..... Yes, he's Spiritual, but not a Buddhist! It's funny how you picked this up!
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Well, 'Spiritual' people learn a pattern of behaviour which sees the good in all, puts others first and develops altruism. in other words, Spiritual people (regardless of whichever calling they're operating from) will develop equanimity and loving kindness, so that it feels to interested parties that they are infinitely and widely caring (which is great) but not specific enough. Permit me to put forward the theory that you believe, as his girlfriend, you should be getting primary attention and consideration, over others... after all, if he loves you, he's going to put you first, and above others, isn't he? The only problem is he's a people-pleaser. ......I don't know .... exactly how I feel since most people give the highest or close to highest priority to a potential BF/GF in the relationship. I don't want to ask this early in the relationship and I don't want to live in my own fantasy. Is there any way to figure it out without asking him directly or wasting my time with him. Interesting that you view it as a 'problem'. The same has been said of me. "The problem with you, TaraMaiden, is that you try to see the good in everyone...." like it's some affliction or impediment. Let me put this to you: Either you develop the same kind of Loving Kindness, consideration and altruism as he has - or you find someone who focusses his attention purely and simply on you and treats other people close to him and around him, to a lesser degree, but in essence will also therefore have the priorities where he fully expects you to do the same.... I think you find the concept an alien one, because, in all probability, you have not encountered someone as selfless as he is. Try to understand, this is not a criticism of you. I understand what you are saying. I just find it 'odd' that when we are faced with someone as generous and equanimous as your BF obviously is, it's seen as abnormal or problematic, whereas in fact, perhaps it might be nice for others to try to emulate them, rather than find the behaviour worthy of criticism..... hopefully, rather than make you angry or defensive, I have (as intended) given you soemthing to ponder.
carhill Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 "I find it fascinating how you give of yourself and make people feel so loved. You care so much. Could you share with me how you came to be this way?" Enlightenment is a worthy path.
CaliGuy Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Give him the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover). That will fix what ails him.
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Interesting... Do you really see something ailing 'him'? Does he really need to 'fix it'? Why?
CaliGuy Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Interesting... Do you really see something ailing 'him'? Does he really need to 'fix it'? Why? People pleasers are insecure. They are needy/clingy people that feel if they do nice things people will accept them. It's one thing to do nice things because it makes you feel good. Since I don't know this guy I don't know what the motivation is behind his actions. That said, a good majority of the time people-pleasers are insecure and are using covert-contracts to get what they want out of life. It's manipulation in the worst way: by being nice.
TaraMaiden Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I wouldn't entirely agree...... But yes, I think it does indeed hinge on motive. I would agree that doormats are insecure, but he doesn't - by the OP - sound like a people-pleaser, doormat type. Which is why I asked whether he was Buddhist or spiritual. Sure 'nuff.... I think if it's something he's doing through a spiritual pull, then it's not necessarily a sign of insecurity. An insecure person has an agenda. he doesn't sound as if he has one.
BlueHarvest Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 People pleasers are insecure. They are needy/clingy people that feel if they do nice things people will accept them. It's one thing to do nice things because it makes you feel good. Since I don't know this guy I don't know what the motivation is behind his actions. That said, a good majority of the time people-pleasers are insecure and are using covert-contracts to get what they want out of life. It's manipulation in the worst way: by being nice. And people who "aren't nice" do things to get acceptance from specific groups of people. You are essentially accusing people who are "nice" or "people-pleasers" as mostly being manipulators. This is an illogical fallacy because if I were to put a paradoxal statement to the situation and state the opposite ..."All bad boys or secure guys are not manipulators" then you wouldn't agree with that either. You cannot try to coin a certain type of personality order (or disorder) on a single lifestyle choice. Some people genuinely enjoy being nice, that doesn't necessarily they don't have a motivation for it, because EVERYONE has a motivation for doing something. In the end, the total idea behind a nice guy is that he genuinely wants to do something nice, and hopes (but doesn't expect) that someone will be nice to him in return. At least that's what I do. I just find it a bit irritating when people accuse people who live their life they way they were raised and then get crucified by sweeping generalizations from people who have no right judging others.
TaraMaiden Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Blue, I completely agree.... And caliguy, while I can see or understand why your view of others in general might be a little jaded, due to past experience, it's honestly a mistake to assume that since one person* in your life might have manifested such traits, it does not necessarily follow therefore that all such people fit that stereotype. And just to clarify, I'm not talking about your ex, here*... I'm hypothesising about any possible person in general. I happen to think your No Contact guide is absolutely unbeatable. But I have to take issue with your assessment here.
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