cnet Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 My sister in law moved in with my wife and I yesterday after leaving her fiance. In addition to doing many things to mess up their relationship, a couple of days ago, he loaned HER car out for a robbery. He has done many things before this. Gambled the rent away. Drove her car around on a suspended license and had it towed to the impound, just to name a few things. He is a convicted felon who has been to prison for shooting a police officer. They have been together for two years. She is a very good person that can't see past what he is doing. I just don't get it. I need her to stay away from him. When I was taking her to work today, she said they will probably get back together....shocking. If they stay together, things will only get worse. I cannot get through to her. Please help me. I need to figure out what to say to her before she goes down a road that destroys her life. This is very serious. She thinks that it isn't his fault. It's the people he hangs around with. Every excuse in the book. PLEASE HELP!!!
Ronni_W Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 cnet, Bottom line is that you can't do anything to influence, control or change her adult decisions and choices. You may WANT her to sort out her life so that it doesn't negatively impact your life and stress-out your marital relationship, but you do not NEED that. Check the co-dependents' recovery site, give her the literature and let her know if/when/where there are meetings in your area. That's about ALL you can do. Well, that...and pray like hell that she connects with what she reads enough to take steps to get herself to a meeting. http://www.cdrs.ca/ Best of luck.
Author cnet Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 look, she's 22, but thinks like she's 15. I'm not trying to better my situation at all. If she gets back together with this guy, he going to drag her down into an abyss that could likely destroy her life. This guy IS NOT a good person. I just love her very much and am afraid for her life.
MSUE Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Sadly there is nothing you can do about it...you can't get in her head and make the lightbulb pop...best of luck... only she can can realize it...I would hate for it to hit her mind when its already too late
Ariadne Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 He is a convicted felon They have been together for two years they will probably get back together I cannot get through to her PLEASE HELP!!! I'd say stay away from this mess as much as you can, because that guy can beat you up or worse.
Author cnet Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 Sadly there is nothing you can do about it...you can't get in her head and make the lightbulb pop...best of luck... only she can can realize it...I would hate for it to hit her mind when its already too late It's right on the cusp of being too late. It's like she needs an Intervention. She has made us promise not to tell anybody in our family about the stuff that he has done. I just need something to say to her that will make her think. I need a new way to say it. This isn't something where you let somebody go off, make a mistake and learn from it. This is like the 20th mistake. This time, if she goes off, she may never come back.
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 See if she will do this self-assessment on her own, or perhaps with you or your wife asking the 'questions': http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php You will find new words if you read some of the CoDA literature: http://www.coda.org/ (The sitemap is helpful. There's a lot of "12 step" stuff for recovery, but you may want to ignore that in favour of the more educational pages.) If you do feel that an intervention is necessary, it may be a good idea to consult with a professional interventionist as soon as possible, so that the friends and relatives who will be involved can get properly educated and prepared.
CaliGuy Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 She needs to grow up. Until she is ready, you can talk to her until you're blue in the face. She's going to stick with this guy because she thinks she can reform him. It isn't going to happen but she'll keep trying for many more years before she begins to see the light of day. There really isn't anything you can do about it but just be supportive.
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 She has made us promise not to tell anybody in our family about the stuff that he has done. That's utter crappola. it's simple: break THE PROMISE. For goodness' sake, this isn't about stealing the neighbour's newspaper off their lawn, or parking the trashcan in someone else's drive for a prank....!! I just need something to say to her that will make her think. I need a new way to say it. This isn't something where you let somebody go off, make a mistake and learn from it. This is like the 20th mistake. This time, if she goes off, she may never come back. "I'm telling everyone I can about this, to cover everyone's safety and security, because it is most definitely in the Public interest, and I swear to you, if you have anything more to do with this man, neither I nor your sister ever want to have anything to do with getting you out of this hole you are digging, ever again." How's that?
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