Make a committment to the truth.

[moo]

Last night I did some reading on some self-help websites. And I've been thinking. Here is where I am at now. The fact is my ex a toxic, selfish, loser. So, I need to stay away from him.

 

That is the truth.

 

I need to make a committment to this truth and stay strong and not contact him, even at times when I feel like I am dying inside.

[caramel c]

Whatever keeps you away from him!

[HBJen]

Last night I did some reading on some self-help websites. And I've been thinking. Here is where I am at now. The fact is my ex a toxic, selfish, loser. So, I need to stay away from him.

 

That is the truth.

 

I need to make a committment to this truth and stay strong and not contact him, even at times when I feel like I am dying inside.

 

If he is toxic, selfish and a loser - then damn right, you need to stay away from him and commit to that truth. You are a lovely person, and you deserve much more than toxic.

[moo]

So last night, I felt really bad. I shed only a few tears, but inside I felt turbulent. It was around 2:30 in the morning and I was hugging my rag doll very tightly.

 

I came across a website that had an online chapter which talked about impulsivity in people and the other behaviors that accompany it (immaturity, unwilling to examine oneself and the mistakes made, unwilling to take responsibility for mistakes made, unwilling to see that when things keep happening to you, they may be connected and instead, thinking you just have bad luck all the time, unwilling to deal with bad feelings and doing something impulsive instead so you don't have to feel bad [example: him jumping to another woman after our bad argument], etc.). There were so many things that described my ex. I did not know impulsivity came with a set of behaviors.

 

Anyway, I felt such peace after I read that online chapter. I slept peacefully. This morning I went back to the website and made notes in my journal from the webpage. I know now, he is probably never ever coming back to me. I know he will probably never ever admit to the hurt he caused me and will never ever apologize for it, unless he wants something from me, which, he will NOT get.

 

I feel sorry for him, and his gf. Anyway, I think I can start to let go of my anger now. I can start to let go of the dream of him going to a therapist to fix himself and then coming back to me. After the argument, he couldn't get me out of his life fast enough. None of the extreme kindness, patience, and nuturance I showed him during our relationship mattered. He literally, pushed me out of his life. All that mattered to him was not taking responsibility for his actions, and dating a woman a few days after our argument. He's gone and he's never coming back. I think I can start to let go of him now.

 

Source: Impulsivity: theory, assessment, and treatment, By Christopher D. Webster, Margaret A. Jackson

http://books.google.com/books?id=hxXKzo3A8ZwC&pg=PA20&lpg=PA20&dq=impulsive+people,+chaotic+lives&source=bl&ots=dLX0h94cLf&sig=-8rYiQTjOPqk9Y4DLzRJ3fNtNPY&hl=en&ei=WxGaSonvAY7pnQf94PCVCA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4#v=onepage&q=&f=false

[moo]

If he is toxic, selfish and a loser - then damn right, you need to stay away from him and commit to that truth. You are a lovely person, and you deserve much more than toxic.

 

Thanks HBJen

[Beeotch]

Last night I did some reading on some self-help websites. And I've been thinking. Here is where I am at now. The fact is my ex a toxic, selfish, loser. So, I need to stay away from him.

 

That is the truth.

 

I need to make a committment to this truth and stay strong and not contact him, even at times when I feel like I am dying inside.

 

That is a great idea.

 

I think sometimes our emotions cloud or judgment and mixes fiction in with the truth. We delude ourselves with false realities and hopes and what we want things to be and not what is....but in the end it is counterproductive.

 

It is best to stick with the facts of what we KNOW and walk on that side versus the gray, cloudy, perhaps delusional areas.

 

The truth is: my ex CANNOT give me what I want and need. He is NOT the best thing since. I DID NOT like a lot of things he believed/thought/did but compromised. I DO NOT think he will make me happy and fulfilled in the long run and I CAN do better.

 

All other thoughts are not necessary....

[moo]

I hear ya Beeotch. I don't know if you read the post I did earlier today, Post #4, but in that post I talked about how I am finally able to start letting him go, due to his dysfunctions.

[GrayClouds]

how long has it been since the break up?

[moo]

3 1/2 months. I kept contacting him because I was so confused and so upset. This man who claimed to love me, two weeks later treated me like he couldn't wait to get away from me. He kept trying to force NC on me without answering my questions, so eventually I went NC for almost a month and then broke down and contacted him, with questions again- phone message and email. He ignored them. So after going back into a black hole, I climbed out and I went NC again and have been NC for 30 straight days.

[Beeotch]

I hear ya Beeotch. I don't know if you read the post I did earlier today, Post #4, but in that post I talked about how I am finally able to start letting him go, due to his dysfunctions.

 

I just saw it....I actually want to read that site as it sounds like issues my ex has as well.

 

Understanding his issues actually make me feel better...in some weird way I kind of exhale saying "Welll atleast it wasn't me....it is all him and his new gf and every other woman after will run into the SAME problem with him " *shrug*. It helps me to move forward because it confirms he has a chronic problem that sooner or later (with us it was sooner) would cause problems and he would have walked away just the same...

 

In some ways I feel bad because I did care for him and I know that the truth is: I WILL BE OK. I learned A LOT out f this situation and I am an emotionally healthy person whereas he is not and no matter who he is with he is going to have the same problems.....so in some ways I feel bad like I wish I could help him but in other ways I feel like he has to realize on his own.

[moo]

Hi Beeotch,

 

Yes, I understand. I feel bad for my ex too. He was in a marriage that lasted 12 years, but it wasn't a nuturing marriage. It was a marriage between two very selfish people. I supposed that's why it worked for so long. Also, when she was his girlfriend, she told him to get therapy, or that she was going to leave him. He went and got therapy for her. That was many years ago. Now when he visits his son, she screams at him all the time. Of course, he presents himself as the victim. I now believe she has reason to always yell at him.

 

Yes, his current gf sooner or later is going to have to deal with all of these issues. His last ex before me said to him about me, "I hope she knows what she's getting herself into." At the time, I thought it was mean. Now, I can only imagine what she had to put up with. He always presented himself as the victim when it came to her wrath. Now I understand at least in part, why she was very angry with him. He presented her as crazy, just like his ex-wife. I'm sure he presented himself as the victim when he met his current gf.

 

I'm not the perfect picture of mental health, but I've worked very hard in therapy and I'm going back to therapy when sessions start again next month. I'm not afraid to work on my problems. I am a better person for it.

[GrayClouds]

it could be some abandonment issues rather then just the guy.

 

A book that may be helpful;

 

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

 

Even if you dont have any issues it was helpful to get past the grief.

[moo]

Gray Clouds, I definitely do have abandonment issues. I will check the book out.

 

Thanks a bunch.

[mickleb]

Yes, moo. I think this book will be great for you. I'm going through it at the moment.

 

It's a painful journey but that (in a way) is what I like about it. It recognises how

devastating abandonment is.

 

Then you work through, clearly helpful, exercises. I feel it's different from other self-help books I've read because I find it impossible to be passive as I learn. I'm taking the process very slowly because I respect that I need to be ready to take each step.

 

The person who recommendedit to me told me it replaces the need for a therapist. Whilst I don't completely agree with that, I think it is definitely the next best thing I've encountered.

 

Let us know if you try it and how you find it. I'm thinking of starting a thread all about it, actually..!

 

Take care. xxx

[moo]

Hi mickleb,

 

I found out yesterday that that book is not at the library, nor any other public library in my state, so I have to hold off until I get some money and I can buy it.

 

I did however already go thru and do the exercises in two self-help books: Loving Me, and It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken.

 

When I went to Amazon.com to learn about the book you and Gray Clouds recommended, I read a little of it and yes, I would like to read it in the future. On the page, was also another book about recognizing when people are emotionally unavailable. Now that book is at the public library in my neighborhood and I definitely need to get that one.

 

Cheers,

 

Me

[GrayClouds]

I not a big self help book person. I find them to be like cotton candy, you feel good for a bit but not sustaining. That said the one I recommended help me get past a good deal of the breakup grief when I realized it wasn't about the breakup but earlier stuff. Not to say I am not feeling bad about the breakup but now at least it is in perspective and feels less monumental. And while the exercises can seem a bit silly, they are helpful.

[moo]

I have a large notebook in which I am using to process my grief. It includes, the exercises I've done in the self-help books, so I don't forget them, the exercises I've done in therapy, and other things. I have each new section tabbed.

 

Sections include: What I like About Myself, What I brought to the Relationship and what he brought, what I want in a mate, things to do when I feel like breaking NC, etc.

 

Having everything here so I can read it again and again really helps.

[moo]

I'm starting my second month of NC. Lately, every night I sleep with my rag doll and hold it closely. It gets me thru the night.

[mickleb]

I have a large notebook in which I am using to process my grief. It includes, the exercises I've done in the self-help books, so I don't forget them, the exercises I've done in therapy, and other things. I have each new section tabbed.

 

Sections include: What I like About Myself, What I brought to the Relationship and what he brought, what I want in a mate, things to do when I feel like breaking NC, etc.

 

Having everything here so I can read it again and again really helps.

 

I like this approach, moo.

 

Getting through this is sometimes like having a second job! You have to take it seriously and get organised about it.

 

I think this is a very productive approach.

[moo]

Thanks. It really helps.

[moo]

I wanted to call my ex sooo badly last night. I had a crying fit this morning. He's heard 1000 times how much he has hurt me but it doesn't affect him. I wanted to try another time to see if it affects him now. But in reality, he is probably working on getting his 2nd gf after me.

 

The caring and patience I showed him in the relationship, did not matter one bit. The fact that I felt used up and taken advantage of did not matter one bit. Nothing mattered. He wanted to jump into another relationship so badly, which he did and then he just couldn't wait to get rid of me.

 

That is a feeling that I can't let go of- knowing he did this to me and how it makes me feel as if he treated me like a prostitute. I want to call him so badly...every day, until I force an apology out of him..but that will never happen. I need to just deal with the pain and go on. I won't always feel like this. I need to heal so that I can have a good relationship without this one lingering in my heart. He may have gotten the new relationship, made fun of me, and treated me like dirt in the end (and throughout the relationship), but I will have the last laugh. I will, because I know nothing good can come from treating someone like that. I also know relationship takes work. Speaking of work, I think all the work I've done to improve myself since the breakup will keep me out of shallow, unfullfilling relationships, while he will truly never be able to love someone completely. It's just not in him. That is really sad.

 

This is a man who's life is such a mess, in one year and a half's time, he got fired, had to move out of his house, had ongoing health problems, got kicked out of another place, got his car repossessed, was under suspicion for embezzelment, moved money around from bank acount to bank account, lied more than once, had more health problems, was stopped by the police for speeding with a child in the car, made up some stupid lie about getting an HIV test, had to have something scraped off of his skull, never introduced me to anyone in his life, never shared his schedule with me, almost never was reachable on Friday nights, had trouble with the concept that "no means no" and claimed that in an intimate situation, no woman has ever said no to him but me.

 

I KNOW I AM BETTER OFF. HE IS A SICK WEIRDO.

[Beeotch]

I wanted to call my ex sooo badly last night. I had a crying fit this morning. He's heard 1000 times how much he has hurt me but it doesn't affect him. I wanted to try another time to see if it affects him now. But in reality, he is probably working on getting his 2nd gf after me.

 

The caring and patience I showed him in the relationship, did not matter one bit. The fact that I felt used up and taken advantage of did not matter one bit. Nothing mattered. He wanted to jump into another relationship so badly, which he did and then he just couldn't wait to get rid of me.

 

That is a feeling that I can't let go of- knowing he did this to me and how it makes me feel as if he treated me like a prostitute. I want to call him so badly...every day, until I force an apology out of him..but that will never happen. I need to just deal with the pain and go on. I won't always feel like this. I need to heal so that I can have a good relationship without this one lingering in my heart. He may have gotten the new relationship, made fun of me, and treated me like dirt in the end (and throughout the relationship), but I will have the last laugh. I will, because I know nothing good can come from treating someone like that. I also know relationship takes work. Speaking of work, I think all the work I've done to improve myself since the breakup will keep me out of shallow, unfullfilling relationships, while he will truly never be able to love someone completely. It's just not in him. That is really sad.

 

This is a man who's life is such a mess, in one year and a half's time, he got fired, had to move out of his house, had ongoing health problems, got kicked out of another place, got his car repossessed, was under suspicion for embezzelment, moved money around from bank acount to bank account, lied more than once, had more health problems, was stopped by the police for speeding with a child in the car, made up some stupid lie about getting an HIV test, had to have something scraped off of his skull, never introduced me to anyone in his life, never shared his schedule with me, almost never was reachable on Friday nights, had trouble with the concept that "no means no" and claimed that in an intimate situation, no woman has ever said no to him but me.

 

I KNOW I AM BETTER OFF. HE IS A SICK WEIRDO.

 

You should be thanking your lucky stars for surviving this one....

 

Don't worry about apologies or vengeance because believe me, his life is more messed up than he is willing to admit but he KNOWS and he will get his! Believe me...he will. As much as he wants to jump from woman to woman etc at the end of the day he is UNFULFILLED with issues and be thankful that you have the capacity to learn and grow and be better while he seems only to be getting worst....*smh*

[Lostgurl]

I have a large notebook in which I am using to process my grief. It includes, the exercises I've done in the self-help books, so I don't forget them, the exercises I've done in therapy, and other things. I have each new section tabbed.

 

Sections include: What I like About Myself, What I brought to the Relationship and what he brought, what I want in a mate, things to do when I feel like breaking NC, etc.

 

Having everything here so I can read it again and again really helps.

Moo it sounds like you are on a very good path to feeling better! This is an awesome Idea, and i'm going to get right on it tonight after work. Thank you

[moo]

Moo it sounds like you are on a very good path to feeling better! This is an awesome Idea, and i'm going to get right on it tonight after work. Thank you

 

You are welcome. Leave some space in the "What I Like About myself" section after you make your list. My therapist told me everytime I feel upset (about the break up), to add one more item to the list.

 

Good luck,

[moo]

I feel like crap but I'm getting better.