Does NC ever get them back

[BigBubbs]

I understand that NC is for the dumped person to move on with their life. However, sometimes relationships explode because of a huge fight, or not appreciating what one has, or even a time where someone is going through something and feels they need to be alone as well as I'm sure many other reasons.

 

My first question is if the dumped person employs strict NC, will the dumper feel the dumpee has moved on? Especially if the dumper is someone that doesn't initiate things normally and might be hesitant to come back even if he/she is having second thoughts.

 

It seems that by going NC there is a very small window by which the relationship can be saved.

 

You can almost picture both people sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring but neither initiates for different reasons.

 

Second question is do you think there is a point at which the dumped person can make contact again without looking needy?

 

Finally what is the best way to save a relationship? I realize I'm posting this on a board where most are trying to move on but many are also trying to figure out how what the best way is to get their ex back without begging or pleading.

[HBJen]

I understand that NC is for the dumped person to move on with their life. However, sometimes relationships explode because of a huge fight, or not appreciating what one has, or even a time where someone is going through something and feels they need to be alone as well as I'm sure many other reasons.

 

My first question is if the dumped person employs strict NC, will the dumper feel the dumpee has moved on? Especially if the dumper is someone that doesn't initiate things normally and might be hesitant to come back even if he/she is having second thoughts.

 

It seems that by going NC there is a very small window by which the relationship can be saved.

 

You can almost picture both people sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring but neither initiates for different reasons.

 

Second question is do you think there is a point at which the dumped person can make contact again without looking needy?

 

Finally what is the best way to save a relationship? I realize I'm posting this on a board where most are trying to move on but many are also trying to figure out how what the best way is to get their ex back without begging or pleading.

 

All I can say here Bubbs is that if you read my last thread here, I am pondering similar thoughts. I dont know what the best way is either - and you will find most people on here believe NC is the way forward.

 

My views on your questions:

 

1. I feel that in my situation, he will definitely believe I moved on - and whether he wants me or not, he will not push me to come back (he isnt that type of guy in any aspect of his life).

 

2. I think it all depends on the type of person the dumper is...and really, only you can know that. In my case, I contacted him just very briefly to see how he was - and he wrote back a pretty lengthy email stating that he didnt really want to close off communication, but needed the time to think straight. He didnt take it as me being needy at all, infact - he took it as me caring for him still and was very grateful for that.

 

3. I have no idea. I think each situation is completely different. I think the best way to get a relationship back is to find common ground together and to work on what brought you to this place. Of course, that cannot happen unless both parties are interested in doing so.

[Thaddeus]

I think it's rare, but there have been instances where NC has brought an ex back. But that's not the point of NC.

 

Don't do NC because you think it will bring anyone back. Do NC because it allows you to move forward.

 

But how do you get an ex back without begging or pleading?

 

Depends on why the split occurred. Can you enlighten us?

[hoping2heal]

Pretty much all of my exes but 1 have come back after NC. I never did NC to get them back though, and I wasn't interested once they came calling. It's hard to see when you're in pain, but once you move on you realise that relationship didn't work out for a reason, and you are usually pretty clear on what those reasons are. I never wanted to waste my time or theirs so I let them know I wasn't interested right off the bat, no fuss and no muss.

 

Never used it against them to boost my own ego or toy with them for a bit, I don't believe in that. So yes, it can and does work but if you're enlightened enough, except in RARE cases; it is for the best to remain apart.

[BigBubbs]

I'm a single father who has a five year old daughter that I have 50% of the time. I've been dating a single mother of 2 teenagers for about a year and a half. We were even at the point of talking about moving in together. Another bit of background is this lady has been involved in several abusive relationships and therefore has low self esteem, and is very shy and quiet. During our relationship anytime we have had arguments her natural reaction has been to give an ultimatum of "take it or leave" rather then engage in serious conversation.

Rewind to last Sunday. I had just a horrible day with the ex at my daughter's birthday and really felt I needed to talk to her. She had said her daughter was sick and couldn't and after waiting a couple hours for her to call she sent a text and said we would talk in the morning. I was frustrated so I called and told her that it bothered me that I didn't feel she could squeeze in a short conversation for me. She immediately got very upset and blew me off the phone by giving me another ultimatum. This time I didn't immediately buckle and start apologizing but instead just agreed for her to get off the phone and give me a call when she was ready to talk.

 

After that I didn't contact her at all and on Thursday she sent me a text for me to give her a good time to call. I didn't respond to the text but called Friday night. She then quite calmly said she needed to end it between us (because of Sunday). I didn't argue but simply agreed and wished her well. This seemed to surprise her and she said a few not so nice things. But I again wished her well and hung up. She then texted me an hour later asking about some stuff to return to her. I replied and said I would send everything to her. She then called this morning asking about more stuff and we had a short friendly conversation.

 

My problem is I am in love with this lady and want her back, but I don't know if she will be able to bring herself to contact me again. What do I do? I don't want to run back to her because that's what has always happened (although we've never actually broken up before) but I feel the No Contact will certainly put nail in the coffin.

[Thaddeus]

OK, BB, I read your story and my first reaction is, "Good gawd, what a drama queen! Ultimatums, refusal to discuss, possibly verbally abusive to him, all the rest. Why would anyone want that in his life?"

 

More to the point, "What's going on in his head that he tolerates such behavior?"

 

I can tell you're hurting about this and I can certainly sympathize. That said, I personally think this is a huge learning moment for you.

 

If you stay on the path that you've been on - basically apologizing for your existence, putting her on a pedestal and tolerating (even rewarding) her bad behavior - I can promise you that this will get worse.

 

So you've got a choice here. You can continue on the same path, crawl back, apologize and whatnot, or you can grow a backbone and refuse to tolerate such nonsense. That, too, comes with a risk, the risk that you might lose her. And it's a very real risk, because it's a huge shift in the power dynamic between the two of you. Right now, she's got all the power (which is why she gave you the ultimatums) and nobody but NOBODY gives up their power without some sort of struggle.

 

Yes, I get that you love her. I really do. And I get that losing her would be hurtful.

 

I also get that losing the rest of your damaged self-esteem will be even more hurtful to you in the long run. And - here's the clincher - you're probably going to lose her no matter what you do. If you go crawling back, she'll continue to lose respect for you and you'll lose her because of that. If you grow a pair, she'll be forced into giving up some of her power, and she's not likely to do that, so she'll bolt.

 

Choice is yours.

[BigBubbs]

I hear you Thaddeus. So you believe the only way to correct things is to let her come back by using NC? Otherwise let her go? I'm not trying to make excuses for her but she is someone that has being given up on before and truely is a good person. Just can't deal with the conflict at all.

[Thaddeus]

I hear you Thaddeus. So you believe the only way to correct things is to let her come back by using NC? Otherwise let her go? I'm not trying to make excuses for her but she is someone that has being given up on before and truely is a good person. Just can't deal with the conflict at all.

Her pride will probably not allow her to break NC and come back.

 

Then again, it might be the wake-up call she needs to get her act in order. Clearly, what she's doing isn't working, right?

 

Does she know why you're upset? Does she know, and have you told her, that ultimatums and all the rest hurt and do you and the relationship no good? I don't think it's appropriate to just vanish from her radar without some sort of explanation. After all, you can't read her mind, she can't read yours, and if she doesn't know that her behavior is the issue then she can't do what it takes to remedy the situation.

 

I don't know if she'll come back or not - probably not, but I've been wrong before (more than once - see this and this).

 

Remember, NC is not about the other party; it's about you. It's a way (the only way I know of) to allow yourself to move forward without constantly looking in the rear-view mirror about 'what might have been.'

[BigBubbs]

This took place a couple weeks ago. I sent her a letter on the Tuesday after the breakup telling her that I couldn't deal with ultimatums anymore but I still loved her and wanted to work through this stuff together.

 

Since then she has sent one text and left one voice mail regarding the stuff she left here that I've since sent back to her (pajamas, DVD etc etc)

 

Don't know if the text and voice mail were just about the stuff but anyway that's all I got.

 

Thoughts?

[Heartford]

I think that you are handling your situation in the best way possible. I'm sure she is a good person, but obviously her way of dealing with conflict isn't so great, and you know that, or you wouldn't have finally put your foot down. You wrote to her explaining why ultimatems aren't useful, and that "you wanted to work through this stuff together," which is exactly how relationships are supposed to be. And she responded to your letter by asking about her stuff, which tells you that she is nowhere near close to realizing that compromise and consideration of your partner's perspective are basic necessities in a healthy relationship.

 

Good for you for mailing her stuff to her. Now it is up to her to contact you. You've made your point in your letter to her, and she hasn't even validated it by even acknowledging it's existence, let alone anything that you wrote in it. She doesn't seem to want to hear your perspective at all -- it's all about her.

 

She could've sent the text and left the vm about her stuff as little crumbs to see if you'd eat them up and contact her and rush back to her apologizing as you have in the past. And you haven't, which is going to force her at some point to ask herself why things aren't playing out as they always have between the two of you. Who knows how long that'll take, let alone how she'll deal with that question. But it seems that you really have no other option but continue as you have been, if you have any hope of getting back together in the future (if that ends up being what you really want in the future, because as time goes by, you'll see things much more clearly and from a healthier place, and you might change your mind about wanting to be with her afterall -- which, by the way, is what I think ultimatems are all about -- I think that people who give ultimatems left and right like she does are insecure deep down inside, actually believing that their partner is going to leave them anyway, so unconsciously they believe they have nothing to lose by demanding what they want now, and see if their partner will put up with them for the time being or if the inevitable is upon them).

 

Make sense?

[BigBubbs]

I understand and agree with what has said about my situation. The problem is not going NC as you truly do feel better when you know nothing about what the other person is doing (ignorance is bliss).

 

But when you really do care about a person and thier kids and know that she is going down a path she basically warned you she would try going down and have to sit by and watch it happen its' hard.

 

She basically copes with conflict by putting up huge walls and locking people out and then searching for someone else. I remember her telling me she just wants to find a relationship with happiness and No conflict. I told her that ALL healthy relationships have some conflict and that working through differences is what gives a relationship its strength.

 

This entire situation just leaves me sad, for her, her children and me as it just seems like it she's searching for the impossible and will find herself back in the same place over and over again. It Sucks!!

[Heartford]

But when you really do care about a person and thier kids and know that she is going down a path she basically warned you she would try going down and have to sit by and watch it happen its' hard.[/QUOTE]

 

It does suck, I know! And what you wrote here, about what she basically warned you, is so telling. It's always important to really take to heart what people say about themselves when you're getting to know them. It seems that they say a few crucial things that really describe how they'll inevitably handle their future. A hard lesson to learn!