Adunaphel Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Hello, I am looking for insight from people who occasionally go into 'silent treatment' mode. I am referring in particular to the 'lesser' cases of silent treatment... when someone will be very quiet or speak in an almost-monosyllabic way for very small periods of time (from minutes to hours, but less than a day) or will act 'normal' but you will be able to get that they are irritated with you... or will shut off their phone cell after phrasing text message in a way that you can see they are upset if you read between the lines. Is giving the silent treatment a choice? I'm wondering if it is something you can't help doing, or something you choose to do. Is it just a way to cool off? Or is it a way to punish? Or is it a way to get attention? What would you **exactly** like the other person to do/say? How do you feel? What goes through your mind? Is it an indicator that the relationship (be a love relationship or a friendship or any other kind of relationship) is in danger? Are you testing the other person? Should the other person be actually worried? I'm basically asking for a user manual for recognizing and dealing with silent treatment.
EarthGirl Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 for me, I am not the best at keeping up communication with everyone in my life, even though there are not all that many people that I really value and am super close to and just a few more that are treasured old friends/relatives, that I am not currently in contact with on a daily basis, nor am I expected to be because they've got their own lives in other states, etc. I've been watching all about the Ted Kennedy stuff, and it seems like even with three kids of his own, and a couple of step children and dozens of nieces and nephews that he was a father figure to after his brothers died, not to mention grandchildren and great nieces and nephews in his later years...that he may not have had a whole lot of time to spend with each one just because of the practicalities of time and space and his career, but he somehow just knew when one really really needed him and he was there...not only for his family but all his friends in politics even Republicans, since he was known for not holding hard feelings when work hours were over even if he fought like crazy inside the senate and being bi-partisan. There are so many stories of him being the first call someone got to say hang in there when they were facing a family tragedy or something. However, not all of us can be superheroes like that. If I am talking to a close person to me on a daily basis (either in person, phone, email, etc) and then I "close up" for a day or two...it most likely means that I am having nervous energy in my spirit and am avoiding most everybody, not just that person. I know some people "play games" and it may be punishment, but for me if I wanted to punish, I would probably state up front that I am going to stop talking to that person because I am angry and THEN stop talking. If I JUST stop talking, it most likely means that I am just having the nervous energy that may not have anything at all to do with the person.
Heartford Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I think when a person habitually uses the silent treatment, it is their way of communicating that they are upset by something you've said or done (haha that's obvious of course, but I mean the silence is them speaking). If the silent treatment comes after a big blow-out between 2 people (some sort of actual confrontation), I think it's a form of punishment. If it comes relatively out of the blue and it takes reading between the lines that someone is giving you the silent treatment, I think it means they avoid confrontation and don't trust their communication skills enough to directly approach you, but they want you to know they are upset (which is a way of drawing attention to their upset, without them having to actually voice it). I think it's a choice, but over time, becomes habitual because they haven't developed other communication skills, so to them it might feel like they can't help it. I don't think it's game-playing necessarily, but rather an underdeveloped or immature method of communication. As for you questions about how to deal with it and what it means in relationships, I think it depends on individual circumstances. So if you have any specific examples, sharing them might give you some info you'll find helpful.
D-Lish Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I do that, and it's a conscious choice. I don't use silence as a weapon- I use it to get a handle on the situation. It's almost always because I am angry~ and I don't want to react with anger, so I go silent. It allows me some time to process exactly why I am angry, whether or not I am being irrational, how I plan to resolve that anger. I have a temper, and it's pretty explosive. Going silent is my way of "counting to ten". I don't usually let it last more than 24 hours. Then I'll be ready to dicuss things. I know it's not the best way to handle things- but it's 10 times better than expressing a tantrum. Sometimes I come out of it feeling justified, sometimes I come out of it realizing I am being irrational.
Author Adunaphel Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Thank you a lot for the replies! They are both informative and interesting. The episode that made me wrote the post in the first place is a very silly thing... my best friend might be upset with me. Yesterday she text messaged me to decide what time we should catch up with each other yesterday evening... it took me over an hour to reply, which was rude but unintentional. by then she had sent me another text, called once (did not hear the call), sent another text saying that it was better to postpone to the following evening. I have to say that 1) yesterday morning I said I was not sure about going out yesterday evening, so perhaps she just assumed that I had already dediced not to go out with her (and did not have the consideration to let her know). 2) It is not the firt time I do not reply to her text or take her calls in time when we have planned an evening together. But she often does something similar, too. When I got to read the text message, I called her (her cell phone was off), then sent her some text, first saying "tomorrow would be fine", then (after realizing she might be upset), apologizing for not reading the messages sooner. Later in the evening I got a notification by my cell phone operator that her phone was on, so I texted her offering to be at her place in about 20 minutes if she wanted to. No reply. 10 minutes ago (it is past 11 a.m right now) I tried to call her, she did not pick up the call. I am worried she is upset at me. Which she might even be not (she is very stressed right now and she has a lot of things to do). She might have been upset yesterday and might be no longer. She might still be upset. I would like to do something about it but I have no idea what to do. I find it very stressful not to know whether the other person is upset or not. I am also getting angry myself, actually. Getting the silent treatment (which, again, might not even be the case... it could just be a set of coincidences) is a huge pet peeve of mine. Anyway it was a perfect occasion to post on LS about the subject... even if this results in a non-issue, whatever reply I got is going to be *very* useful in future. Thanks!
carhill Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Maybe it's different for guys, but IMO you might want to evaluate the dynamic of what a 'best friendship' means to you. Sounds too complicated to me. Friendships are mutually beneficial with modest expectations. Even best friendships. Stuff happens. Life goes on. My best friend tells me that he is amazed that he can ask me to be somewhere in a few months at a certain time and place and, without commentary, I just show up. It's the same with him. Contrarily, as happened yesterday, we can go back and forth on the phone, hashing out a design for a part I was fabricating for him for a favor we're both doing for a third party. Misconnects, bad information, dead phones....doesn't matter. Life is supposed to be fun. You figure out a way to make it fun. Like I said, re-evaluate.... FWIW, we all are busy. No one person has a lock on busy. Busy is not a reason. Busy is not an excuse. 'I'm in the middle of something; let me get back to you'. Wow, five seconds; amazing If I discern a person using the silent treatment as a relationship tool, they get a permanent silence sandwich from me. Life is too short.
Author Adunaphel Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Thank you carhill for your perspective - I like a lot the way you view friendship. I texted my friend once more, saying I had no idea whether she was upset(in which case I was hoping to talk about it) or just busy, and asking to let me know if she is okay, and I finally got to hear from her... looks like her old neighbor had an accident (she fell on the stairs... no idea whether she got serious injuries, but I hope the old lady will recover soon). Now that I got to hear from my friend, I am glad I went for the 'nice approach'. Perhaps it had nothing with me at all. Or perhaps yesterday she was p*ssed off at me, but I am positive she is no longer and -more important - I calmed down (did I mention that I overreact in these situations? ). She would occasionally have 'silent treatment' moments, but they usually last very little, are *very* sporadic and ...well, it's something very small to complain about considered the great person she is and it would be unfair not to keep things in perspective. Thanks again for the replies!
Heartford Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I don't think taking an hour or 2 to reply to a text is rude at all, it's life. I'm always amazed at how some people believe we should be glued to our phones, while others use them as tools that they have the right to pick up and put down when they have the time and inclination. Anyway, I'm glad it all worked out, and I think it's great you asked her nicely if she was upset rather than digging your heels in and reacting defensively.
rivermeetsanend Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Hey there...the silent treatment, in my honest opinion, is NOT an effective way of dealing with conflict. I think it is permissable for a person to have a "moment" where they can avoid communicating feelings to cool down, clear the mind and gather thoughts, but avoiding communication altogether will only escalate problems to epic proportions. I have dealt with people in my past who have used the silent treatment as a method of control and punishment, and that is all they want. People who use the silent treatment are inept at conflict management. Sharing thoughts and feelings without criticism or contempt is the only way problems can be resolved. If you are being subjected to the silent treatment, your best bet is continue sharing your thoughts and feelings. Be the bigger person, and let them know that you realize you may have hurt them, but cannot begin to change anything until they speak up.
Lizzie60 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I haven't read the thread but to answer your questions, from my experience: (I did this a lot when I was younger) Is giving the silent treatment a choice? I'm wondering if it is something you can't help doing, or something you choose to do. Not really... I think it's something I couldn't help doing.. I was soooo mad that I just couldn't talk.. Is it just a way to cool off? Or is it a way to punish? Or is it a way to get attention? I think it's a way to punish the other person.. as well as cooling off .. but sometimes.. instead of cooling off.. depending on the other person's reaction to our silent treatment, it could have the opposite effect.. What would you **exactly** like the other person to do/say? I wanted him to be sorry ... to feel bad about what had happened. How do you feel? What goes through your mind? Anger.. it's hard to say... Is it an indicator that the relationship (be a love relationship or a friendship or any other kind of relationship) is in danger? Not really... I think it's just an immature way of dealing with the problems.. Are you testing the other person? Not really.. Should the other person be actually worried? Nope.. the person who does the 'silent treatment' is the one with the problem IMO.
Author Adunaphel Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Thank you for the new replies! The issue I had with my friend is now a non-issue, but all your input is becoming more and more precious as I' m sure I'll have to do with silent treatment again (not with my friend, but with people who use it to a larger extent). I am also going to share the thread with a person who is very close to me and is going to find the replies very enlightening!
deux ex machina Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 The silent treatment is emotional abuse. I agree. I don't use the term 'abuse' lightly, either.
Author Adunaphel Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 I agree. I don't use the term 'abuse' lightly, either. If you do not mind me asking, do you think that a partner using the silent treatment on a regular basis might be enough of a reason to divorce? (if everything else - apart from communication - was fine in the marriage)
deux ex machina Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 If you do not mind me asking, do you think that a partner using the silent treatment on a regular basis might be enough of a reason to divorce? (if everything else - apart from communication - was fine in the marriage) It probably depends on the combination - who the two people are separately, and in the relationship. The silent treatment and just cooling off are two entirely different things, imho. The Silent treatment is like you don't exist to the other person anymore, for days. They closed themselves off from you, for your perceived offenses. It's a passive-aggressive power play. Very controlling and manipulative. If someone uses it on me, repeatedly, I would have to go eventually. The effect on the marriage would be systemic. I will never put up with feeling like I am unable to have a dignified, honest conversation - and feel safe doing so - ever again. It's abandonment. I wouldn't feel safe.
Meaplus3 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Well, I always viewed the silent treatment as a lack of communication. Sort of like pulling back when something that needs to be said is not beign said but instead the person sort of shuts down. Not a fan of this type of behavior. I find it non productive and really just a way to avoid issues that need to be dealt with. Open Communication, IMO is the key to healthy, happy, human relationships. Mea:)
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