The Dating Rules: why they suck

[Explorer]

Let me start off by saying that I’m a single male. I am single because 100% of my relationships have failed; most recently a two month’er. After this one going down the drain, I told myself I really need to take a deep look inside myself to better understand what the h*ll is going on. So I did. And, the first issue that I believe that’s causing failure is following ‘The Adult Dating Rules.” You know, waiting to call 2-3 days after a first date, sex somewhere between the 4th -8th date, blah, blah, blah.

 

Strikingly, the divorce rate has been higher than ever and the trend shows no signs of slowing down. Regardless of this fact, most of us are still sheep in abiding by these infamous rules. Are they contributors? I think at least partly and at best fully.

 

Because there are too many adult dating rules to breakdown in one posting, I will focus on a big one –'when to have sex'

 

With the majority of my past relationships we’ve had sex anywhere from first date to 2 mos. If I was attracted to my partner, sex was the first thing I chased after and thought about – when are we going to have it, I wonder if she’s good, wonder what she looks like naked, etc. And if I got it early on, I then focused on its future – once we get comfortable I wonder if she’ll try this, should I ask her to do this, etc. Without realizing it, this got in the way of wanting to get to know her as a person. Sex was the primary motivator and getting to know her was secondary. I believe this problem stems from having sex early on and is a major factor with slowly destroying relationships. Lust becomes the driver, confusing real and natural love, then it fades and the couple has an epiphany that they’re incompatible. If you’re going to spend the next 40-60 years with the same person, it makes more sense to spend the majority of your time in getting to know them first and put sex in the backseat

 

Admittedly, I am currently not a very religious person (More curious than religious), but I was reading the bible sometime back and came across a verse that may have summarized my issues. It went something like….a man planted a handful of seeds in three different places; 1. a small area with a thin layer of soil underneath the sun, 2. right next to a patch thorn bushes, and 3. an area with plenty of soil and sunlight. The first plant shot up quickly but died just as fast. The second wrapped around the thorn bush and was slowly destroyed and the last grew healthy as there was plenty of structure (Sun, soil, etc) for its sustainability.

 

Using this analogy in comparing against my relationships, sex was similar in my many respects to the first. The relationship quickly developed, then sex, then I love you, then it died a year later as we found that we weren’t compatible.

 

What do you think? Let’s discuss…….

[caramel c]

Matthew 13 the parable of the sower, this is very interesting because it can be applied in MANY different ways to our daily lives. Here is the quote:

 

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9He who has ears, let him hear."

 

And later, the explanation:

 

18"Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. 22The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. 23But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."

 

When I first read it, I immediately thought of my faith, which at the time and even now is still growing.

 

It's very interesting that you are applying this to relationships, this is something to think about for sure...I am going to think about this right now, I just wanted to make sure this is what you were talking about?

[Sam Spade]

I generally agree, except that there is no problem to have sex while getting to really know each other. So what if it doesn't work in the end? To blame it on having sex is just methodologically weak conclusion .

All relationships take time to develop, and sex is pretty much irrelevant (unless it is an actual obsession for one or both of the people). But, it is also important in building and sustaining intimacy. There's no way I coul feel close/connected/intimate with a woman unless we also have sex;

[Vet]

Let me start off by saying that I’m a single male. I am single because 100% of my relationships have failed; most recently a two month’er. After this one going down the drain, I told myself I really need to take a deep look inside myself to better understand what the h*ll is going on. So I did. And, the first issue that I believe that’s causing failure is following ‘The Adult Dating Rules.” You know, waiting to call 2-3 days after a first date, sex somewhere between the 4th -8th date, blah, blah, blah.

 

Strikingly, the divorce rate has been higher than ever and the trend shows no signs of slowing down. Regardless of this fact, most of us are still sheep in abiding by these infamous rules. Are they contributors? I think at least partly and at best fully.

 

Because there are too many adult dating rules to breakdown in one posting, I will focus on a big one –'when to have sex'

 

With the majority of my past relationships we’ve had sex anywhere from first date to 2 mos. If I was attracted to my partner, sex was the first thing I chased after and thought about – when are we going to have it, I wonder if she’s good, wonder what she looks like naked, etc. And if I got it early on, I then focused on its future – once we get comfortable I wonder if she’ll try this, should I ask her to do this, etc. Without realizing it, this got in the way of wanting to get to know her as a person. Sex was the primary motivator and getting to know her was secondary. I believe this problem stems from having sex early on and is a major factor with slowly destroying relationships. Lust becomes the driver, confusing real and natural love, then it fades and the couple has an epiphany that they’re incompatible. If you’re going to spend the next 40-60 years with the same person, it makes more sense to spend the majority of your time in getting to know them first and put sex in the backseat

 

Admittedly, I am currently not a very religious person (More curious than religious), but I was reading the bible sometime back and came across a verse that may have summarized my issues. It went something like….a man planted a handful of seeds in three different places; 1. a small area with a thin layer of soil underneath the sun, 2. right next to a patch thorn bushes, and 3. an area with plenty of soil and sunlight. The first plant shot up quickly but died just as fast. The second wrapped around the thorn bush and was slowly destroyed and the last grew healthy as there was plenty of structure (Sun, soil, etc) for its sustainability.

 

Using this analogy in comparing against my relationships, sex was similar in my many respects to the first. The relationship quickly developed, then sex, then I love you, then it died a year later as we found that we weren’t compatible.

 

What do you think? Let’s discuss…….

 

It sounds like your problem is more with compulsively seeking sex than sex itself. If your objective is sex, then of course you're going to be disappointed.

[dreamergrl]

I think it's very possible for two people to have sex without it clouding getting to know one another. It depends on the person, and what they truly want. If they truly want a serious relationship, and are seeking that - they will be thinking about more then just sex. If someone is only looking for a good lay, they wont bother getting to know the other person.

[fishtaco]

Disagree.

 

If you have sexual compatibility, it still doesn't mean the relationship will work out. Sexual compatibility is much easier to come by, and is much easier to discover, than relationship compatibility.

 

So you ended up having women that you are sexually compatible with, then later discover relationship isn't working. Very common.

 

That's not because having sex early is bad, it's because it takes time to figure out relationship compatibility.

 

Someone that you are compatible with relationship-wise, will work out whether you have sex early on or not.

 

Someone that you're not compatible with relationship-wise, isn't going to magically become miss right just because you decided not to have sex with her early.

 

The only consideration here is attachment. You don't want to be prematurely attached to someone that you're not sure about. For some people, sex brings attachment. But realistically, there are many different possible ways of becoming attached. All of them are equally bad if it happens with the wrong person. Sex is only one of many. It also has a bad rep because people tend to be obsessed about it, and blame it as soon as anything goes wrong. That's just our culture in the US. Sex is the treasure that men want and women guard. Even though it's only one piece of the puzzle and shouldn't be given this much weight. Why is it like this? Who knows.

[BobSacamento]

Lust is extremely powerful and extremely detrimental. You tend to value lust primarily in your relationships. I think we've all done this. While sex is extremely important I think you've already have your answer.

 

Why not try to value other aspects of a personal relationship with another person and have sex be icing on the cake. Experiments can't hurt.

 

I have tossed good women to the curb because of lust. It truly does make me feel like an idiotic simple man.

[stepka]

Explorer, I've had to learn the hard way, but I completely agree with you. The problem is that when we have sex, getting to know one another changes as you described, and if the relationship falls apart, there is a lot more pain than there would be if there hadn't been sex. Also, from a woman's point of view, we're more likely to stay and try to work on a hopeless relationship once we've had sex, b/c once we have, we've invested a part of ourselves into this person.

 

Caramel C, your explanation makes sense, but I've found that I like Explorer's way of reading the scriptures--they speak to him with what he's thinking about now, and in a month or a year he could read that same scripture and get something totally different. That's why they call it the "living Bible." Explorer, you've earned your title. The best thing is that you don't even have to be a Christian to get some good out of them--Gandhi was a great admirer of the Sermon on the Mount.

[caramel c]

Explorer, I've had to learn the hard way, but I completely agree with you. The problem is that when we have sex, getting to know one another changes as you described, and if the relationship falls apart, there is a lot more pain than there would be if there hadn't been sex. Also, from a woman's point of view, we're more likely to stay and try to work on a hopeless relationship once we've had sex, b/c once we have, we've invested a part of ourselves into this person.

 

Caramel C, your explanation makes sense, but I've found that I like Explorer's way of reading the scriptures--they speak to him with what he's thinking about now, and in a month or a year he could read that same scripture and get something totally different. That's why they call it the "living Bible." Explorer, you've earned your title. The best thing is that you don't even have to be a Christian to get some good out of them--Gandhi was a great admirer of the Sermon on the Mount.

 

Oh, that explanation was not mine. That was taken directly from the bible. I was just posting scripture.

[whiteberry]

The relationship quickly developed, then sex, then I love you, then it died a year later as we found that we weren’t compatible.

 

 

 

In my opinion, it is very important to know each other first before getting into relationship. So that you'll be able to learn how to adjust with each other's differences.