Is denial of sex emotional abuse?

[Thaddeus]

Lots of threads on here recently about people living in sexless relationships. Is it a form of emotional abuse?

 

There doesn't seem to be an over-riding definition of emotional abuse. Different sources have different definitions (all emphasis is mine):

 

• From Emotional Abuse: Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
  
• From Topic-Violence-Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse is commonly defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being. Like most forms of violence, emotional abuse is based on power and control over another person.
  
• From Carleton University-Physical and Emotional Abuse: Emotional Abuse is any behavior that does not affirm or nurture another's unique sense of self.
  
• From Symptoms of Emotional Abuse: An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
  

It's very common for those in sexless relationships to hear from the other party that they are "selfish" and "only after sex" (railroading discussions). Repeated disapproval and denial of intimacy is considered "just part of our marriage/relationship." Power and control is influenced by one party against the other by insisting that the higher sex-drive party must do A, B and C in a particular order at a particular time and then, maybe, he/she might consider intimacy. And the party with the lower sex drive refuses to affirm or nurture the other party.

 

Then again, the word "abuse" seems so over-used that it can relate to almost anything; using the term in so many circumstances tends to water down the massive damage that can be done by an abuser.

 

So what's your take? Is denial of sex a form of emotional abuse?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sure feels that way, but not all people who are sexless are doing it to hurt someone. For some, that is just how they are.

[marlena]

I think many people use denial of sex as a tool to punish their partners and exert control over a relationship, often not consdering the long-term consequences. It is passive-aggressive behaviour taken to the extreme. Some do it consciously, others not so much so. And then again others, like LB mentioned, just have a very low libido.

Whatever the case may be, I think it should be grounds for an automatic divorce.

[Ronni_W]

Is denial of sex a form of emotional abuse?

ONLY if it is intended to manipulate, control, destroy someone else's self-esteem, and suck dry someone else's soul.

 

Then again, "denial of sex" implies that it is a conscious and deliberate act. In a lot of the threads, though, I interpret "faulty plumbing" and uncooperative hormones & chemicals.