Can you really never go back to holding hands again?

[Graduate]

I have been dating a guy casually for 4 weeks now, always a dinner date on Saturday Night. I like him, but I am not sure yet if I want to have a serious relationship with him, while he told me from the start that's what he is looking for. My reluctance has mostly to do with the fact that I just got out of a relationship a week before I met him, and I am not over my ex yet.

 

I told him the truth on our first date and he said he was fine with taking it slow. Well, last Saturday I had too much to drink and ended up making out with him. Since then he seems to think that things have changed now and he texts me messages like "I can't wait to kiss you again", "I miss you", etc.

 

I understand why he thinks things have changed, but for me it was a drunken one-time thing. I'd really prefer if we just continued dating casually because I am still not over my ex and I feel that at this point he would mostly be a rebound for me, while in another month or so, I might be ready to give this a real try.

 

Do you think it is possible for us to go back to dating casually again, or once you crossed that physical line, there is no going back? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

[dreamergrl]

You need to tell him this, and explain this to him. It's up to him if you can retract a bit.

[Graduate]

I will. We have another date tomorrow. I am just wondering how to bring it up and what are the odds of him being okay with that and actually wanting to continue dating me casually.

 

I think if a guy I liked and was dating for 4 weeks told me he just wanted to be friends a week after we made out for the first time, I would take this as major rejection and would probably not want to see him anymore. I am wondering if there is a way to go back a step, or if a breakup is a foregone conclusion at this point.

 

Part of me thinks I should just forget my doubts and see if a relationship would work between us. I mean, if you don't take risks, you can't win, right? And dating is always a gamble anyway.

 

Anyone ever been in a similar situation?

[dreamergrl]

Explain to him that you were a little caught up in the moment, and you felt it was still to fast. That you'd like to continue seeing him, but at a slower pace. If he likes you, he'll understand. And wait till more then just part of you is ready to go for the relationship.

[prettybaby]

What I don't understand is why you're dating someone you don't currently want to date. You say you think you might be ready in a month or so ... Basically, you're being selfish and I'm sorry for being blunt.

 

The best approach would have been not to date anyone while you sort out your feelings and truly get over your ex, and only then start dating again.

 

It sounds to me like you kinda like this guy, and you don't want him to find someone better while you figure things out for yourself, so that he can be all yours whenever you (might) feel ready. In other words, you're leaving your options open without really caring about how you might break his heart down the road.

 

In fact, even this thread doesn't show any concerns about this guy's feelings and happiness. Your main concern is how to get yourself out of this little pickle while still keeping him as your backup casual date.

 

You need to be honest with him, and with yourself.

[Graduate]

What I don't understand is why you're dating someone you don't currently want to date. You say you think you might be ready in a month or so ... Basically, you're being selfish and I'm sorry for being blunt.

 

The best approach would have been not to date anyone while you sort out your feelings and truly get over your ex, and only then start dating again.

 

It sounds to me like you kinda like this guy, and you don't want him to find someone better while you figure things out for yourself, so that he can be all yours whenever you (might) feel ready. In other words, you're leaving your options open without really caring about how you might break his heart down the road.

 

In fact, even this thread doesn't show any concerns about this guy's feelings and happiness. Your main concern is how to get yourself out of this little pickle while still keeping him as your backup casual date.

 

You need to be honest with him, and with yourself.

 

Wow, that's harsh.

 

To answer your first question why I am dating him if I don't feel I am ready to date: I like him. He is nice, sweet, attractive, and has some other qualities I admire. When we met and started talking I told him I was not looking for a relationship at this point, and he said that was okay, we could be friends.

 

On our first date I told him that I just got out of a relationship and really was not ready for anything serious at the moment. He said that was fine and he was okay with taking it slow. I enjoy spending time with him and he seems to be fine with where I stand, so I did not see a reason for not dating him anymore.

 

Now to answer your second point, which is that I only care about myself and don't care about his feelings and happiness: not true, but I did not think I had to preface my post with this statement.

 

It seems to me like you got some issues unrelated to my situation, so please don't let your anger out at me. I really don't think that I am using this guy or acting selfishly because I have been upfront with him from the start. Maybe your opinion is that nobody should be allowed to date anyone unless they are sure they want a long-term relationship with them. If that is so, you are entitled to your opinion. I just happen to disagree.

[prettybaby]

Then here comes my other question: what will you do when you realize in a few months that you don't really want to be with him at all? That you're not in love with him and that you two are not on the same page? Because let's face it, it is a possibility since you're not really sure yet. (And personally, I think it is a likely scenario since his current enthusiasm doesn't exactly seem to trigger waves of butterflies for you).

 

Obviously, he has feelings for you. And dating someone who has feelings for you is giving them the green light, no matter how you look at it. I can already tell you that putting a halt to this will not happen without bitterness.

 

Which leads me to my initial point: dating someone (casual or not, dating is dating) when you're not actually ready to be with anyone, isn't the smartest move. You may have told him where you were standing, and he may have said that was cool, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that most people only agree to this sort of thing with the perspective of you becoming a couple down the road.

 

I have no anger whatsoever. I guess my blunt comment may have come across that way, since it was rather short and straight to the point. But from an outside perspective, and with the info you have given us, this is exactly how your situation comes across. And again, you say you care about his feelings, but whether you realize it or not, you're already messing with them.

 

You two clearly have different goals, even if he told you otherwise, his actions are quite obvious. And I think they were obvious from the beginning.

[utterer of lies]

I have been dating a guy casually for 4 weeks now, always a dinner date on Saturday Night. I like him, but I am not sure yet if I want to have a serious relationship with him, while he told me from the start that's what he is looking for. My reluctance has mostly to do with the fact that I just got out of a relationship a week before I met him, and I am not over my ex yet.

 

I told him the truth on our first date and he said he was fine with taking it slow. Well, last Saturday I had too much to drink and ended up making out with him. Since then he seems to think that things have changed now and he texts me messages like "I can't wait to kiss you again", "I miss you", etc.

 

I understand why he thinks things have changed, but for me it was a drunken one-time thing. I'd really prefer if we just continued dating casually because I am still not over my ex and I feel that at this point he would mostly be a rebound for me, while in another month or so, I might be ready to give this a real try.

 

Do you think it is possible for us to go back to dating casually again, or once you crossed that physical line, there is no going back? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

 

If he's not a complete idiot he will realize that you just string him along, and if he has any kind of self-respect he will not continue once you told him your plan...

[callingyouuu]

I don't think there's any other way to bring it up other than to just be direct and straight with him. The odds of him being ok with it just depend on how much he likes emotional rollercoaster rides, to be frank. I think he will be fine with it, but he's going to be cautious next time around.

 

I like that you have enough self-control to know it's not right to take the relationship to the next level if you're not sure if you're over your ex. However, at the same time, I think the same principle applies to even the early stages of dating.If you're not sure you're over your ex, not only should you avoid sending mixed signals, I think you want to be careful about dating at all. I see the possibility that you might just be hanging onto his acquiescence to you being upfront with him as kind of a justification to whatever might go wrong in case he develops deeper feelings for you quicker than you're ready to handle. Kind of like one of those "he knew what he was in for, so it's not my fault" things.

 

I don't mean to dictate how you handle your rebounds or anything, but in any case, I just want to give you a friendly reminder to tread carefully until you get your feelings sorted out, for both your sake and for his.

[callingyouuu]

Which leads me to my initial point: dating someone (casual or not, dating is dating) when you're not actually ready to be with anyone, isn't the smartest move. You may have told him where you were standing, and he may have said that was cool, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that most people only agree to this sort of thing with the perspective of you becoming a couple down the road.

...

You two clearly have different goals, even if he told you otherwise, his actions are quite obvious. And I think they were obvious from the beginning.

 

This is EXACTLY my concern. I just hope that homeboy isn't too disappointed.

[Graduate]

 

Obviously, he has feelings for you.

 

How do you know that? Based on the fact that he told me he is looking for a serious relationship? Come on, as far as I know most guys will tell you anything they think might get them laid. I had a guy tell me on the third date how great and wonderful I was, and that he can't believe he found the woman of his dreams, and 2 weeks later - after we slept together - he was gone.

 

So I have no idea if this guy has feelings for me, he might just be bored sitting at home, because from what he tells me he doesn't get out a lot.

 

I like him, but I feel like I barely know him as I have only seen him 4 times so far for about 2 hours each. I think there might be potential for us down the line, but what I don't want to do is rush into a physical relationship with him before I know where we stand. What is so bad about taking it slow?

 

I'd really like to continue dating him the way we did, though I'd like to see more of him - and also in non-date situations, like going together to a museum or something. But so far he has been too 'busy' to meet up during the week and says he only has time for Saturday night dates.

 

After what happened last week, I feel like he is ready to take this relationship to the next - physical - level, but I am not. Does that really make me selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings? Are you not allowed to date a guy anymore for more than a month without jumping into bed with him? I know I am not ready for that, and I assume it is because I just got out of a relationship. That is just a guess, the real reason might be my gut telling me he is not the right guy for me. All I know is that I am not ready to take this to the next level.

 

From your responses I take that my problem lies somewhere else than I originally thought: I thought my issue was whether it was possible to turn back time and go back to a stage in the dating process before you made out with each other. Apparently my real problem is the view I have on the early-dating process, in which I thought you were allowed to get to know someone before having to make up your mind whether you want to have a relationship with them or not.

 

My mistake, but thanks for enlightening me.

[JohnP82]

There is nothing wrong with taking it slow, but why are you dating if you're not over your ex? Plus this guy sounds like a sucker for continuing to date a person who is admittedly not over their ex.

[leap83]

Graduate: I believe you're not selfish in what you're doing because you have been straight up right from the start. I truly respect people when they're honest, so I don't believe you have strung this guy along.

 

I'm not sure whether you can backpedal. I'm trying to do this with a guy I was seeing for a couple of months and both of us find it very hard to do. You have to be a very strong person to do it because once you've tasted something good, you want to taste it again. You know that. So, I would sit down with him and talk it out. The best thing is to have an open communication. Tell him that you like him and repeat that you're still not over your ex. Mention that you drank a bit and made a mistake of kissing him, but make sure you tell him it's not about him. Tell him that hurting him is not your intention.

 

Whether he'll believe this or not I can't answer. But be honest with him. It will hurt but it's better to tell him now than wait or break-up with him. I'm sure both of you can figure something out before taking it drastically out of proportion. He's been patient until now - hopefully he can be patient a bit more. Mention also that maybe in a month you'll be good to go. That gives him a timeline - something to look forward to if he wants it.

 

And yes, relationships come with risks. You can risk it, but I wouldn't. Take the time to heal and then try the relationship. But make sure you tell him all of this so he's not left wondering what the hell happened.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Wow. I think you need to do the guy a favor and break up with him. I'd hate to hear that an awesome make-out session was a drunk mistake (especially when it looks like he's developing feelings).

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think your being selfish with out necessarily meaning to be your obversely hurt and a bit cynical bitter toward men at the moment.

 

Least thats what I got from your one post there I think you were hurt and ran into things with this new guy because hes a nice guy and maybe it made you feel better at the moment.

 

But now hes becoming more invested and that frightens you so you want to back off so you don't get hurt again I could be completely off the mark sorry if I am.

 

But thats just my guess and I would say yes he dose like you on some level but your not allowing yourself to trust him my advice let him down easy take time to heal yourself and let him move on..

[callingyouuu]

After what happened last week, I feel like he is ready to take this relationship to the next - physical - level, but I am not. Does that really make me selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings?

No. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being ready! There is, however, something wrong with not being ready and also sending mixed signals to another person so you have an option in case your "ready" button magically clicks on by itself tomorrow morning.

 

I don't think you were selfish. Being selfish requires you to understand what you're putting the other person through and willingly disregarding it for your own personal gain. I don't think you mean to be malicious, so your actions don't make you selfish. They just seem really insensitive to how much you can potentially hurt him down the road.

 

If this were me, I would have a talk about what happened and let him go for now so I can clear my feelings for my ex and securely work on my next relationship. To me, this is the least destructive way of working through this situation. Still, we all work through our issues differently, and your defensive sarcasm in that post suggests that you're not going to consider that. That's fine, and in which case, my advice is as follows:

 

I do think there is a slim chance to revive the good ol' handholding days. The main reason why it might not work is that it will largely depend on how he reacts to what you say. They key is to be direct, and just make sure next time that your actions (both drunken and sober) match your words.