My boyfriend says we should be just friends for the time being. What does this mean?

[Daisy86]

I met this guy 4 months back who happens to be my best friend's sister's friend and we clicked instantly. In a month he asked me out and we've been in a relationship for 3 months now. He said he was very serious about me and that I was 'The One'. We live in different cities, 200 miles apart. And we have met only thrice. But we were constantly in touch through phone and I was even moving to his city in a month. We had become really close emotionally. Things were going perfect till 3 weeks back when he suddenly detached himself and said he needed some time alone coz he was confused about his feelings. I agreed, told him to take his time. He kept in touch and texted me couple of times a day. A few days back he started referring to me as a friend, calling me 'buddy' and 'pal'. I asked him what was up and he said it was best if we remained friends for the time being. I asked him if he loves me and he said he does but like a friend. He wants me but he says we shouldn't be in relationship coz he can't think of love right now. He said nothing is my fault and that I am an amazing person. I said we'll have to end this coz this is not how I want it. He asked me not to cut all contact with him coz he can't just chuck everything and that we can never say what will happen in the future. Initially I didn't agree to keep in touch but finally I gave in. But I am quite impersonal now whenever he talks to me. What does he mean by he doesn't want love right now? Is there any chance that he will come back to me? Does he even care about me?

[Daisy86]

I am 22, he is 21. And he said that he wanted to marry me. Eventhough I knew it was too early to ask I agreed coz he was perfect. He is just the guy I wanted to spend my life with. He was loving, understanding, considerate. And now I have no idea why he broke up with me for no reason!

[Ronni_W]

Daisy.

We can only speculate. My best guess is that he realized that things went WAY too fast, for both of you. As far as I can tell from your post, you were going to uproot your life after knowing him for just 3 months. Once you got to his city, he would have started feeling responsible to help you get "settled"; to meet your social needs, as well as emotional, mental...and perhaps offering to stay at his place until you found your own, etc., etc., etc.

 

It's too much, too soon. It is NOT "commitment phobia". My guess is that he just came to his senses.

 

At the same time, he made this decision-choice unilaterally even though it also impacts you in significant ways. IMO, it's totally unreasonable of him to expect you to just 'fall in line' and stay in contact just because that's what he has decided he wants for himself.

So far, he hasn't shown that he's thought about how it would all impact you.

 

Whatever is actually going on for him, and not that he 'owes' it to you but, he certainly could have given you a clearer picture. Go 'no contact' if that is what YOU need to clear your own head, and make some decisions about your own future (with or without him.)

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[callingyouuu]

I was helping make a campfire one day, and it ended up getting really big really quickly, so we decided to throw more wood on it thinking that it would keep going. We felt really accomplished, until it fizzled out about 10 seconds later because we put too much wood and suffocated the flame.

 

I think this is what happened in your situation. Let me explain.

 

He says this:

He said he was very serious about me and that I was 'The One'.

and yet...

We live in different cities, 200 miles apart. And we have met only thrice.

 

This concerns me, and I think it's the basis for why things ended so suddenly. I just think things progressed wayyy too quickly, and emotional bonds can't form through telephone lines and internet correspondences, even though it might feel that way at the time. I think the whirlwind romance has finally begun to settle down on his end, and his feelings might not be exactly the same as when things began, so he's questioning himself. He's telling the truth when he says that it's something wrong with him, not you; he just doesn't know what he wants. What does he mean by "he doesn't want love right now"? Just tack on "with you" at the end of that phrase, and you have your answer. I don't think it's anything that you did, but the relationship cake just wasn't baked correctly and with enough patience to come out the way it should.

 

My advice: I think if you want this relationship to have any hope of surviving, you need to lower contact with him, and tell him your intentions. Staying in high contact just encourages his behavior of treating you like a friend. Take a bit of time apart from each other, and then if you're both still interested, iron out the wrinkles by talking things out and start over slowly. Meeting each other more often in person, if possible, would also help.

[adamt]

He is talking about marrying you yet you have only spent time with each other a few times. Thats way too fast and a bit of a warning sign.

 

Tell him you are happy to take it slow and as you are both onbly about 21 there is no rush to get married. Just tell him that you can enjoy each others company.

 

But if he jsut wants to be friends then leave him alone 200 miles is a long distance and LDR will not work unless both people have the energy to put into it.

 

Also consider he might have met someone local who has turned his head

[Daisy86]

Thank you so much for your replies. I think I am able to understand what went wrong. We shouldn't have jumped into the relationship. I should've asked for more time so that we could get to know each other better. I also feel a little stupid about this entire thing. I could've been more rational. I was anyway shifting to his city coz that's where I have got a job. And I am moving there in 2 weeks and will be living with my friends. I will maintain low contact and move on with my life. This was his first relationship. If he really wants to make this work, I think he will take the initiative. But I will not wait.

[leap83]

How did he react when you said that you can't be friends with him?

 

I agree with the above posters but the answer to the above question should make it clear whether there is future or not.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It seems pretty simple to me. He may have meant what he said at the time when he was infatuated, but he changed his mind. It doesn't mean he didn't mean what he said - just that he no longer feels it now.

 

Best bet? Cut your losses and move on. Life is too short to put your life on hold for someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with you or not.

[Ronni_W]

Daisy, I'm not seeing anything to back-up that you acted "stupidly" -- more like "blindly in love" is all. That mental-emotional state can take us right of our habitual sane and reason-filled character.

 

If he really wants to make this work, I think he will take the initiative.

Or. If you are at all interested in ever having a real relationship with him:

Once you get settled in your new city, you can do the sane and mature thing, and invite him to have an open and honest conversation with you. Ask him if it is that he just realized everything was moving too fast. Ask him what prevented him from being honest about his fears. Ask him if he believes the way he handled it showed any consideration and compassion for you.

 

If you are happy-satisfied with how he handles those questions, then

Ask him if he wants you two to start casually dating so that you can EACH make proper assessments as to whether or not you want to get serious with the other.

 

If you BOTH decide that's what you want, then ask him what are his plans to learn how to clearly, lovingly and honestly communicate his fears, concerns, dislikes and upsets in the future.

 

Best of luck in your new city, and with your new job.

[CLC2008]

This happened to a friend of mine, she backed off after she broached the topic of moving forward with someone, and his response was that he wasn't looking into the future with her. Technically she put the brakes on and from what I've witnessed it was one of the hardest things she ever did/went through.

[Daisy86]

leap83 : When I said I couldn't be just friends with him he didn't understand what the big deal was coz he said it was for the time being and he thinks its the best for us coz we could get closer. He tried talking to me for 3 consecutive days but I did not respond. What I did not like was the way he handled the entire situation. He wasn't being completely honest with me, was being too diplomatic and immature. I expressed how hurt I was but he did not respond to that. When I cooled down he tried making a normal conversation with me, asked me if I was ok and stuff, told me about the new things happening in his life. This happened two days back. After which he hasn't talked to me. We were getting along really well earlier and had become quite close. He told me all about his family and friends and his life, wanted to introduce me to them. He used to chat online with my friend and sister too. When he came to my city once he even met my parents (but my parents don't know that we were in a realtionship). Now it all seems so unreal.

[callingyouuu]

leap83 : When I said I couldn't be just friends with him he didn't understand what the big deal was coz he said it was for the time being and he thinks its the best for us coz we could get closer.

UGHHHHH!!

 

Sorry, I just get really annoyed when I hear about people like that who end relationships and expect everything to go back to normal. That's just not how it works.

 

I still think some time apart would be the best. You still want a relationship, he doesn't, and whenever two people aren't on the same page, relationships of any kind can never flourish. No matter how you draw the cards, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole won't do anything but just make your arms really sore. Either that, or it will break the square peg, which in this case happens to be you. I don't believe that what you had before was unreal, but just now's not the time to revive old feelings just yet.

 

You have so much to look forward to!! I'm actually really excited for you. Just think about settling into the new city. You'll have tons of new people to meet and things to experience.

[Daisy86]

callingyouuu: Even I got so annoyed when he asked me not to treat this like a break up! He said this is just a phase in our relationship! What on earth was he thinking?! I told him it doesn't work that way but he still wanted to keep in touch with me. He cannot just stop talking to me out of the blue it seems. He can just break up with me out of the blue! I think I'll just ignore him for a while. At times I feel like I got fooled by him but I guess he was fooling himself too. Or maybe he thought the relationship would work but the love just fizzled out. Anyway I'm really glad about my new job. The new city is a great place. And I am going to be living with my closest friends. So I am very excited. Its going to be a lot of fun.

[callingyouuu]

callingyouuu: Even I got so annoyed when he asked me not to treat this like a break up! He said this is just a phase in our relationship! What on earth was he thinking?! I told him it doesn't work that way but he still wanted to keep in touch with me. He cannot just stop talking to me out of the blue it seems. He can just break up with me out of the blue! I think I'll just ignore him for a while. At times I feel like I got fooled by him but I guess he was fooling himself too. Or maybe he thought the relationship would work but the love just fizzled out. Anyway I'm really glad about my new job. The new city is a great place. And I am going to be living with my closest friends. So I am very excited. Its going to be a lot of fun.

 

I like the way you think.

[Daisy86]

I like the way you think.

 

Thank you.

[Daisy86]

Thank you.

[leap83]

Daisy: Ok. Try to take some time apart from him. He didn't seem upset when you said you can't be friends with him or frustrated or went completely silent? He just continued to act as though nothing happened? That's a problem. If that's the case, take time away from him. Make him work to get you back - don't go running to him. He'll come back if he's worth it. It seems so unreal doesn't it? I kind of know where you're coming from but my situation was a little different. I think in your case time should do the trick.

[Daisy86]

leap83: He seemed a little frustrated in the beginning but when i firmly said that i will not keep in touch he just quietly agreed. Then he tried talking the next day and the day after that. But i didn't respond. He normally doesn't express his emotions much. He thought if he sent me texts with smileys i would just cool down and talk to him. But that made me more frustrated in fact. If i meant anything to him i think he will start missing me with time. So i will just ignore him for sometime.