Telling ex to break NC only if they want us back - isn't this a bad idea?

August 29, 2009

Alot here on this board are telling the dumpers to contact them ONLY if the dumper wants to get back together. However, I think this is a bad idea because this still makes you vulnerable to a great extent...you are blatantly telling them that you are still in love with them and want them back. I think the dumper will find you more attractive if they have to guess whether you still want them or not....this I think makes them go crazy. I know that was how I felt when I was the dumper and I didn't know if the dumpee still wanted me back. For me if I was the dumpee, I would just either give them blunt replies sparsed out or no reply at all. This keeps them guessing.

Thoughts?

August 29, 2009

Alot here on this board are telling the dumpers to contact them ONLY if the dumper wants to get back together. However, I think this is a bad idea because this still makes you vulnerable to a great extent...you are blatantly telling them that you are still in love with them and want them back. I think the dumper will find you more attractive if they have to guess whether you still want them or not....this I think makes them go crazy. I know that was how I felt when I was the dumper and I didn't know if the dumpee still wanted me back. For me if I was the dumpee, I would just either give them blunt replies sparsed out or no reply at all. This keeps them guessing.

Thoughts?

I do understand what you're saying but here's the thing. If he wants me back, he wants me back, no matter WHAT I say or I don't say. After a while of strict NC, he bugged me through meaningless texts (he dumped me) so I got annoyed and sent him one saying if you have intentions of getting back together, we can talk about that but otherwise please don't contact me at all. It's obvious that I didn't want to break up, I was the one who was dumped. Because thats no secret, and because I kept my dignity immediately after the breakup because of going NC, I felt that I had nothing to lose by saying that. It has been 2 weeks since that text and so far I have not received any contact from him and I am glad. Now I know that he won't bother me unless he really has something meaningful to say. If he never does, fine. If he does contact me I will listen but there are no guarantees. Either way, it doesn't make me any less or more attractive to him. He knows me. He knows the person he left and I haven't changed. I'm just as fabulous as I was 2 1/2 months ago.

August 29, 2009

I personally would not ever tell my ex something like that....and if someone told me that, I would actually get pissed off and wonder how dare they give me that ultimatum and I would perhaps not speak to them just because of that, even if I did want them back.

And my thing is.... after 4 mths NC where you have told this person not to speak to you unless they want you back...how exaclty would they pop back up and say they want you back so now can you guys speak...it is very illogical in my opinion. That is a very awkward form of pressure.

I do think some viewpoints on here are narrow minded or more counter productive than helpful. Because at the end of the day...breaking up is NOT a crime. That is the truth. We all have had to break up with folks or been broken up with and yes it may hurt but many times it is not the intent and is not supposed to be malicious...but being humans, with feelings, pride, confusion etc things spiral out of control. So I hate when the dumper is made out to seem like this automatic diabolical person without feelings who should be tortured and all this. Sometimes people do need time for themselves, time to grow, time to think time to do whatever outside of a relationship and maybe after said period they may want to try again...who can put a time frame on that? If it is 8 mths later...how exactly would you come back after 8 mths if you never spoke at all? I feel like LC is best for those who may eventually want to reconcile...so at least a SMALL line of communication is open so this person is not feeling in the dark.

I also think it is best to go NC without announcing that ultimatum. IF this person wants to reconcile they do not need you to tell them how to go about it. I assume people usually test the waters first...by initiating some form of icebreaker type contact and most do not after 3 mths of NC declare their undying love.

I think there needs to be some give and take. You have to protect yourself...but esp in a situation where the break up was not about cheating or some such both parties would fare better treating each other how they would want to be treated and having some understanding...versus game-playing, ultimatums, etc.

August 29, 2009

I personally would not ever tell my ex something like that....and if someone told me that, I would actually get pissed off and wonder how dare they give me that ultimatum and I would perhaps not speak to them just because of that, even if I did want them back.

And my thing is.... after 4 mths NC where you have told this person not to speak to you unless they want you back...how exaclty would they pop back up and say they want you back so now can you guys speak...it is very illogical in my opinion. That is a very awkward form of pressure.

I do think some viewpoints on here are narrow minded or more counter productive than helpful. Because at the end of the day...breaking up is NOT a crime. That is the truth. We all have had to break up with folks or been broken up with and yes it may hurt but many times it is not the intent and is not supposed to be malicious...but being humans, with feelings, pride, confusion etc things spiral out of control. So I hate when the dumper is made out to seem like this automatic diabolical person without feelings who should be tortured and all this...

I think it is best to go NC without announcing that ultimatum. IF this person wants to reconcile they do not need you to tell them how to go about it. I assume people usually test the waters first...by initiating some form of icebreaker type contact and most do not after 3 mths of NC declare their undying love.

I think there needs to be some give and take. You have to protect yourself...but esp in a situation where the break up was not about cheating or some such both parties would fare better treating each other how they would want to be treated and having some understanding...versus game-playing, ultimatums, etc.

You make some very good points here and perhaps I made a mistake. I felt that I did the right thing, because his contacts even though they didn't get a response at first were holding me back from moving on. I felt that I had to say something about him leaving me alone. At the same time, I wasn't sure what his intentions were. Because I am willing to listen in that one circumstance, that is why I said what I said...

August 29, 2009

You make some very good points here and perhaps I made a mistake. I felt that I did the right thing, because his contacts even though they didn't get a response at first were holding me back from moving on. I felt that I had to say something about him leaving me alone. At the same time, I wasn't sure what his intentions were. Because I am willing to listen in that one circumstance, that is why I said what I said...

I mean...everyone has to do what they feel is right for them.

I just think that sometimes we want to follow Loveshack rules blindly...and that is not how matters of love and life work. There is no cure-all prescription and generic solution. You have to take advice and cater it to your situation.

I think in all human interactions....with romantic relationships being a particularly intimate and sensitive one, compassion, understanding etc have to be applied.

You do not have to be foolish....but I think a lot of times both parties are operating defensively or based on pride and fear of rejection both ways...which doesn't solve much. Sometimes we expect people to do things we ourselves would not do and all this craziness.

For me it makes more sense for my ex to contact me freely and I use MY discretion on how and when to respond...versus me saying hey dont speak to me unless you want me back. It is silly to me. I see it as...if I don't even want you to say something as simple as HELLO to me...then why would you feel comfortable to pour your heart and soul out?

I know if I were my ex I would not want to. Esp after a couple months, you begin to wonder how this person feels. If you have not spoken to me in 4 months...for all you know I don't even like you like that anymore...and if you are normal you will be scared to just resurface and ask for a second chance. You can't come from the darkness straight into light...you will get blinded. You have to do it gradually...hence, I think once in a while contact (mostly if not totally initiated by the dumper) to show you are not bitter and will still be receptive to them seems like a more sensible and realistic way of doing things...

August 29, 2009

I mean...everyone has to do what they feel is right for them.

I just think that sometimes we want to follow Loveshack rules blindly...and that is not how matters of love and life work. There is no cure-all prescription and generic solution. You have to take advice and cater it to your situation.

I think in all human interactions....with romantic relationships being a particularly intimate and sensitive one, compassion, understanding etc have to be applied.

You do not have to be foolish....but I think a lot of times both parties are operating defensively or based on pride and fear of rejection both ways...which doesn't solve much. Sometimes we expect people to do things we ourselves would not do and all this craziness.

For me it makes more sense for my ex to contact me freely and I use MY discretion on how and when to respond...versus me saying hey dont speak to me unless you want me back. It is silly to me. I see it as...if I don't even want you to say something as simple as HELLO to me...then why would you feel comfortable to pour your heart and soul out?

I know if I were my ex I would not want to. Esp after a couple months, you begin to wonder how this person feels. If you have not spoken to me in 4 months...for all you know I don't even like you like that anymore...and f you are normal you will be scared to just resurface and ask for a second chance. You can't come from the darkness straight into light...you will get blinded. You have to do it gradually...hence, I think once in a while contact (mostly if not totally initiated by the dumper) to show you are not bitter and will still be receptive to them seems like a more sensible and realistic way of doing things...

I can't argue with any of this. I didn't think of these things before at all. What's done is done now though. I guess we'll see.

Still, thank you for bringing these things up. I needed to hear this.

August 29, 2009

You don't tell an ex that. You just go NC and never talk to them again unless they are literally beating your front door down, apologetic and want to work things out.

Anything else is simply breadcrumbs to boost their own self-esteem at the expense of yours.

August 29, 2009

You don't tell an ex that. You just go NC and never talk to them again unless they are literally beating your front door down, apologetic and want to work things out.

Anything else is simply breadcrumbs to boost their own self-esteem at the expense of yours.

Thats how I felt that his texts were breadcrumbs that I did not want! Still, it was getting to me. It was bothering me. Thats why I texted him back finally...I agree with what you said, fully. I just thought I did the right thing still to save my own sanity.

Now I am thinking it was not the right thing to do...

August 29, 2009

I think it is about claiming your power and not putting the power in their hands as well....

You can text me as much as you want and say all this crazy shyt if you so choose...but I will be the one who decides if I will respond/not.

If you are being polite...I can be polite back as I am in control of me. I won't answer you all the time...but IF and when I do choose...that is up to my discretion.

I think being nice and almost vaguely indifferent is more wowing and makes someone feel worst than when you are harsh towards them or tell them "Don't contact me unless you want me". That to me is what boosts their egos as they think oh wow, she is so crazy over me that me contacting her dives her crazy...poor thing.

If you see that I do not respond or respond dryly to ambiguous foolishness...or I am polite and not in the least bit getting emotional then if you want me back you will REALLY have to make it clear....

August 29, 2009

A long, long time ago, in a far away Galaxy, I did that before.

I told the ex to only come back if she wanted me, see this causes alot of errors, you think by telling them that, that you can predict the call, that means instead of wondering why there calling, since you told them that its SUPPOSE to be to get back together...however......ex's have a way around this also..........

They will call you, and claim that they want you back, and then they will start saying "Im confused" and yes they will repeat these steps over and over, until they finally find something better or until you finally get tired of it.

So the ending summary, is NO, don't tell a ex that!

August 29, 2009

I got frustrated with his text msgs of 'i miss you' 'thinking of you' and 'i have a lot more to lose than you do' and 'im suffering so much here' (YES even though he dumped ME)- I was getting these without sending him anything, or sending him anything back. It WAS affecting me, I must admit. It was getting in my way of moving on, setting me back. That's why I texted him back what I did. So, I should have just ignored everything?

And now, obviously the damage is done...there is nothing I can do now.

August 29, 2009

No it is not a bad idea because here's the main point: If they loved you so much in the first place they wouldn't have dumped you. Seriously, if it was such a mistake they would have tried to work it out or would have told you this within the same day or the next day. Grasping onto some hope that maybe they will want you back....that's not really such a great idea either.

August 29, 2009

And now, obviously the damage is done...there is nothing I can do now.

Actually, no don't worry. If the NC goes on long enough say a few months and your ex has urges to contact you. If it's been so long however after you've said 'contact me only if you want me' then he will wonder 'its been so long, i wonder if she still wants me.' You see your ex might wonder if it's too late and think 'what if shes already over me?' and this will probably drive your ex nuts if he has thoughts of reconciliation. This will work to your favor still, just that it takes alot longer and is not as effective. Don't worry though, in the end, it's not that huge of a deal

August 29, 2009

No it is not a bad idea because here's the main point: If they loved you so much in the first place they wouldn't have dumped you. Seriously, if it was such a mistake they would have tried to work it out or would have told you this within the same day or the next day. Grasping onto some hope that maybe they will want you back....that's not really such a great idea either.

See, its not so much that I'm hoping cause honestly I don't think its likely at ALL that we are getting back together. I just wanted to be left alone to heal and move forward with my life instead of him bugging me with his 'daily sufferings' as he put it. I was suffering too and did not want to tell him about it. I was annoyed because he broke up with me because of his own panic/anxiety/committment issues yet here he is bugging ME after the breakup.

August 29, 2009

Actually, no don't worry. If the NC goes on long enough say a few months and your ex has urges to contact you. If it's been so long however after you've said 'contact me only if you want me' then he will wonder 'its been so long, i wonder if she still wants me.' You see your ex might wonder if it's too late and think 'what if shes already over me?' and this will probably drive your ex nuts if he has thoughts of reconciliation. This will work to your favor still, just that it takes alot longer and is not as effective. Don't worry though, in the end, it's not that huge of a deal

Thanks. Ya I guess its not the end of the world. I really don't think we're getting back together. I want to be with someone who never would dream of letting me go, and he is not the one...sad.

August 29, 2009

I've found so much on here, interesting to read to say the least.

I split with my girlfriend of 5 months 3 weeks ago, I've never loved anyone like i do her, she was my everything and she knows it but she needs some space to herself right now, she's a few things going on and needs to get her life back on track. I remember reading somewhere that when people are feeling claustraphobic about life it can be a relationship that ends up giving way. I believe this is the case i am in.

We are still in casual contact with each other, she knows i miss her and she's told me she misses me, we went out for a bite to eat the other day and it wasn't too awakward at all, the date ended with her telling me she had enjoyed herself - it made her think more about the things she missed, she gave me a hug and told me i still mean the world to her. I'm off on holiday in a couple of days and she said she'll be in touch when i get back.

She knows i want us to be together, i don't need to tell her or plead with her, if at any point she knows it'll never happen for us i have no doubt she'll tell me, and if need be i'll make a choice at that point of which way to go..

I think optimisim is always the way forward, otherwise we become ruled by our emotions, and in many cases this will only bring us down. If it's meant to be it will, it really is that simple, this may not happen overnight, it might take a week, a month, a year even, but if you feel something is worth holding on to you do it, regardless of what others tell you. Everyone is strong enough to make these decisions, they just don't know it, thing is, you do it everyday in normal life, think about it!

August 29, 2009

All you accomplish by doing that is setting yourself up to wait, and wait, and wait. If you do NC and walk away without leaving even the slightest crack in the door you will be better able to heal and get on about the business of living.

August 29, 2009

All you accomplish by doing that is setting yourself up to wait, and wait, and wait. If you do NC and walk away without leaving even the slightest crack in the door you will be better able to heal and get on about the business of living.

Honestly it wasnt my intention to wait, by doing that I wanted the opposite - for him to stop bugging me so I can move on with NC.

August 29, 2009

A caramel c -- You said:

"I was annoyed because he broke up with me because of his own panic/anxiety/committment issues yet here he is bugging ME after the breakup."

Don't question yourself about telling him why you went NC. Remember, we're not dealing with normal break-up situations. In our situation, it is the dumpers irrational anxiety that is the sole cause of what might have been and was a wonderful relationship. Because these men can't have healthy relationships with us or anyone else until and unless they work through these issues, we need to set a firm boundary for them and for us. Remember, they pleaded to remain friends and desperately wanted us to continue in their lives on those terms so they could alleviate both the anxiety of emotional attachment and the anxiety of losing us. You haven't blown anything by telling him you don't want contact unless he's ready to grow a healthy relationship. It doesn't really matter because either he's going to get the help he needs or he isn't. In fact, I think setting a firm boundary such as you did is not only necessary for you own well-being, it leads to a greater possibility of stimulus for change in him. Don't worry. You did the right thing.

On another note, I stumbled onto something from thread where CP individuals are posting about their anxiety and the stuff they go through in regard to relationships. All the "what if...what if...what if..." stuff. I thought, man if that's what they're going through in their head they're really tortured. A lead from that thread is about something called relationship OCD (ROCD). I'd never heard of it before. Anyway, when I started reading about it and the threads posted by individuals with it I thought man. . . if this is what's at the core, I don't know if I'm up for dealing with it. Anxiety and panic, I can deal with but obssessive thinking of the type described by ROCD sufferers, the relationship would be a constant battle. With ROCD, they constantly question and obssess about their feelings in regard to the relationship, whether they're with the right one, and they have difficulty discerning whether their throughts and feelings are based on something concrete or due to their OCD. It's VERY sad!! I don't know if this is applicable but check out these links and see if anything clicks:

http://www.sleeping-with-rocd.com/

http://www.stuckinadoorway.org/forums (click on relationship OCD or ROCD)

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=15806&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45

August 29, 2009

My twocents..

Op, I did what you did. I told my ex that his contact with me was confusing and hurtful. I told him if he didn't love me enough to want me back, then to care enough to let me go and let me move on.

He ended up calling me a few days later and we had a 90 minute talk about it. Here is how he viewed it. He felt it was extreme pressure. He felt that if I still cared about him, why would I essentially tell him to F#$k off unless I got exactly what I wanted, how I wanted.

See in my situation, he did want to leave the "door open". He did want contact, and to see eachother. I felt he should "know" if he wants me back. He wanted to take things slow. You see when you break up, it is for a reason. That old relationship is broken. Why would you go back to that? I beleive a reconciliation is based on a new relationship. My ex felt how could we just jump back in 100% to what we had before, if it was broken? You have to start over.

So he felt me telling him don't contact me unless you want me back was really hard. Plus, when I think back on it, it is pretty much telling him I still love him, and that he still can hurt me.

I think you have to do what is right for you. I do beleive if they want you back, they will tell you in no uncertain terms. But I also beleive that a lot of people don't make a second chance work because they just pick up where they left off. Nothing really has changed.

August 29, 2009

Not to hijack but thank you Serena for the insight..... When I look back, I did not recognize the signs, but it all makes sense now.... I know my Ex is a tortured soul....

August 29, 2009

I think you did the right thing. It was honest and straightforward, and as you say, you weren't telling him anything he didn't know. What you did was take the pressure off yourself, instead of having to wonder what he was going to say next, and when he was going to drop another bomb that would set you back to Day 1. His messages have been confusing and painful, and you've put a stop to that. Good for you.

The little head games, "what will he/she think/say/do/want if I do/say this or that" are ridiculous. Being honest with your needs and taking steps to look after yourself are what really matter.

August 29, 2009

A caramel c -- You said:
"I was annoyed because he broke up with me because of his own panic/anxiety/committment issues yet here he is bugging ME after the breakup."

Don't question yourself about telling him why you went NC. Remember, we're not dealing with normal break-up situations. In our situation, it is the dumpers irrational anxiety that is the sole cause of what might have been and was a wonderful relationship. Because these men can't have healthy relationships with us or anyone else until and unless they work through these issues, we need to set a firm boundary for them and for us. Remember, they pleaded to remain friends and desperately wanted us to continue in their lives on those terms so they could alleviate both the anxiety of emotional attachment and the anxiety of losing us. You haven't blown anything by telling him you don't want contact unless he's ready to grow a healthy relationship. It doesn't really matter because either he's going to get the help he needs or he isn't. In fact, I think setting a firm boundary such as you did is not only necessary for you own well-being, it leads to a greater possibility of stimulus for change in him. Don't worry. You did the right thing.

On another note, I stumbled onto something from thread where CP individuals are posting about their anxiety and the stuff they go through in regard to relationships. All the "what if...what if...what if..." stuff. I thought, man if that's what they're going through in their head they're really tortured. A lead from that thread is about something called relationship OCD (ROCD). I'd never heard of it before. Anyway, when I started reading about it and the threads posted by individuals with it I thought man. . . if this is what's at the core, I don't know if I'm up for dealing with it. Anxiety and panic, I can deal with but obssessive thinking of the type described by ROCD sufferers, the relationship would be a constant battle. With ROCD, they constantly question and obssess about their feelings in regard to the relationship, whether they're with the right one, and they have difficulty discerning whether their throughts and feelings are based on something concrete or due to their OCD. It's VERY sad!! I don't know if this is applicable but check out these links and see if anything clicks:

http://www.sleeping-with-rocd.com/

http://www.stuckinadoorway.org/forums (click on relationship OCD or ROCD)

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=15806&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45

Thanks Serena, thats why I thought I did the right thing. I think I am just in a fragile state where I am second guessing myself. This is probably just a normal part of the breakup process. I'm going to check out these links. I really do not understand the issue itself at all which makes this very difficult. I would like to understand it though.

Lets keep supporting each other because our situations are so similar.

August 29, 2009

I think you did the right thing. It was honest and straightforward, and as you say, you weren't telling him anything he didn't know. What you did was take the pressure off yourself, instead of having to wonder what he was going to say next, and when he was going to drop another bomb that would set you back to Day 1. His messages have been confusing and painful, and you've put a stop to that. Good for you.

The little head games, "what will he/she think/say/do/want if I do/say this or that" are ridiculous. Being honest with your needs and taking steps to look after yourself are what really matter.

Thanks

Ya thats precisely it. I didn't want to be in the constant state of confusion/frustration/annoyance. Enough was enough.

aaaah I long for the day this is all behind me...

August 29, 2009

@ Surfer Girl -- I don't mean to hijack the thread either but you, me, caramel c, Phoenix1, Georgia Girl (and probably others here) seem to be in similar situations. It's so gut-wrenching because their behavior is irrational and counter-intuitive. They don't bail because they're NOT into you, they bail because they ARE into you. And being into you sets off either panic or obsessive thinking or both ("what if? . . . what if? . . . what if?"). It's so twisted and so sad!! Sometimes I wish he were simply a player and then I could just get angry about being used, step aside and move on from this.

@caramel c -- We are in similar situations and we will definately stay in touch and support each other through this!! I'm second guessing myself also due to how I responded when he showed up unexpectedly. The whole situation is just so sad and although I'm feeling stronger, I still feel fragile as well. Why is it so hard to move on from these relationships????!!!!

@ caramel c, Surfer Girl, Phoenix1, & Georgia Girl, I wish there was a way we could private message each other and exchange phone numbers!!

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