JMA707 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I dont know why i cant just be like you and move on from this. I dont know why i cant just let you go as easily as you let me go. I dont know why i expect you to read this right now. when i know that you arent. I SERIOUSLY dont know why. i dont know why i hold on to the hope that you will read any of my posts, when i know that you dont. that you dont even give them a second glance I dont know why i hope that you will return ANY of my messages, when i know that you wont because you dont have anything to say to me anymore. I dont know why i think that im somehow still important to you, when i know for a fact that im not. I dont know why i wonder if you EVER think about me anymore, when i now that you dont. I dont know why i expect you to read this and care at all. I dont know why i cant understand the facts of what has happened between us. I dont know why i cant accept the fact that its over now. I dont know why i cant get the fact that you dont love me anymore, that you have NO feelings AT ALL for me anymore. I dont know why i cant just listen to you. I dont know why i cant just move on, because time after time, you have told me that it is over and that you dont want to be with me anymore. I dont know why i cant accept that your with him now, and that nothing i do or say can ever change that. I dont know why i feel like this about you. I dont know why i love you so much. I dont know why i cant just forget you forever so i can be happy again. I dont know why i continue to try and talk to you when i know all i am doing is hurting myself further. I dont know why i hold on to this pathetic hope that we can be together again at some point, when i know all i am doing is wishing for something that will never happen. I dont know why after everytime i say "goodbye" to you i cant just leave it at that and never speak to you again. I dont know why i think about you nonstop everyday. I dont know why i think that you still care about me when i know that i dont mean anything to you anymore. I dont know why i feel sick to my stomach all day everyday, when i know for a fact that im not sick at all. I dont know why i cant just take everyones advice. I dont know why i think that somewhere you still have feelings for me, when you have told me so many times that you dont feel a thing for me. I dont know why i just cant stop thinking about all this. I dont know why i keep thinking of all our memories together. I dont know why i keep thinking about you and him being together. I dont know why this hurts so much. I dont know why you can just move on like that. I dont know why i need you so much. I dont know why i still think that your reading this right now, thinking about me. I dont know why i think that my love for you will make you have ANY feelings for me. I dont know why anymore. I am TIRED of all this. I am so sick of it. Im sick of being sad. Im sick of bringing everyone around me down because of my miserable attitude. Im sick of having breakdown after breakdown over you. Im sick and tired of not being able to do anything about how i feel. I sick of trying everything, doing everything to make myself feel better and NONE of it works at all. Im sick of all this. I wish i could just be like you, and say "hey well im just going to move on and not even think about it all anymore." I wish that i could be like you and go out and be with someone else and be genuinely happy. I wish i could do all the things that you have done, but i cant. because i LOVE YOU. Im tired of feeling so helpless about all this. Everyone says "well just let it go, your only hurting yourself at this point." Yeah well i cant let this go. I can never let this go. Im tired of everyones advice, im tired of everyone being so blunt about this entire situation. I get it i really do. Your trying to be blunt about it so i snap out of this and just move on like how she did. But i CAN't. at least not right now anyways I dont know why i cant, i really dont. I dont know why i expect you to care about how i feel anymore. I dont know why i expect you to understand how much pain im in right now. I seriously dont know why i keep pouring my heart out to you, when i no it makes NO difference. I dont know why i send you these long messages saying how i feel about you, hoping that youll message me back, when i know that you wont. I dont know why... I SERIOUSLY dont know why anymore. Sorry just had to rant a little bit. I was going to post this on my facebook but i thought instead it would be better to post it here...i really dont want to break my NC and i dont really have anywhere else to put all my thoughts...
icyness Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Good for you for posting it here instead JMA. I think you summed up just about every "I don't know why" so many of us are feeling. God knows I'm beyond sick of these thoughts invading my heart and mind 24/7. If only they felt a fraction of what we're enduring. Another day down for us though..right? *hugs*
Solear Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I'm writing to you to let you know how I feel. When we fist met when you were interviewing me, I saw you for what you were a beautiful woman confident and fair minded. I'd witnessed your ups and downs in the office, I saw when you were holding yourself back when someone was interrupting you or when someone didn't agree and you tried and usually succeeded in winning them round. I saw your hot temper during when Simon sent the e-mail about the uniforms and you went into a rage. I came into your office and asked you not to respond while you were angry. I used to sit on your desk and ask you questions about your life hobbies and dreams. The night out with work at the bar. I sat with you and we drank and talked I blocked everyone else out at the table and listened to your voice I was mesmerized by you. We danced that night and I held you not for very long a quick dance here and there then we got a cab and you were tired. I understood your tiredness I knew it wasn't just drink or a night out. You nestled into me and your head was resting just beneath mine. I smelt your hair and put my arm around you. I could feel your warmth. Then when we sat down to watch telly you pulled along side me and nestled. In those first few months all your texts affirming your feelings for me you sent one "don't be big shock but I think I'm in love with you" I kept that one and cried over it. It meant more to me than anything. You asked me to run away with you not long after we got together. I couldn't do it. I thought it would be best that you left your husband of your own accord instead of just running away from him. Then you told me you wanted my children. "You have absolutely no idea how this made me feel I know I told you I wanted the same but the feelings and thoughts that you wanted to share more with me than just our love meant something more powerful than I could ever express and you introducing me to your mother seemed to to make it more of a reality. When I moved to O***** to be nearer you and work I saw it again as a signal you were going to leave home and come with me all your texts and messages about your love for me our love for each other. I know we've had disagreements about things, usually work, but so what thats part of life. It never festered in my mind that I may not agree on a certain subject, what made my life up was your texts your affirmations and the walks we had hand in hand talking about our dreams and our hopes. I know you used to say your worried about me on my own here, and yes I was lonely you weren't the only person to cry once you left the house. I went back to an empty bed and a house that had no warmth or laughter in it. I had to think about you going home to a family cooking for your step children and taking the dog for a walk and playing wife to a husband your not in love with. I was so upset when you lost your job because I knew things would become even more difficult for us to carry on. I hate seeing you work your guts out and go back to a family that doesn't appreciate you. I hated seeing you tired. I know financially the whole situation was going to have a breaking point. Then the worst came, We'd had a child and we lost it. I thought at first that I have to be strong for you because I knew how much you wanted it to happen. I cried a little when we spoke on the phone and I tried to put it to the back of my mind. When you told me by text that you couldn't leave your family I couldn't believe it " how could I? after everything you have ever said to me? I tried to speak to you but you were in work and just so calm distant as though I was nothing to you and never was. You told me I had lost my "get up and go" that you were already with someone like that and it wasn't worth you leaving him to come with someone like me. I'm a good man, I'm not a martyr I have feeling and emotions like everyone else. I'm not a victim I have a depression and thats different. When you've needed me I've always been there for you. you used to call me a bull terrier. well I am and always have been like a dog loyal and guarded over you. like a dog I pine when it's partner master or puppies die. I walk the same routes and I find pieces of their clothing to lay on and I whimper and don't eat and don't sleep. When we used to lay together and I used to look into your eyes, you'd say "serious face" I was in love !! I was looking at the face of a mother. I was trying to see if you looked at me that way too. The fact I have lost a child to the one person in the world I truly love finally hit me a few weeks ago, I've never felt grief like it not only the child but the mother too. I cry for hours I ask my God why, why have you taken from me. Is it because she was never mine? I've bought flowers for our child and I've laid them on a hill in O****. I imagine she would have been a beautiful girl a truly beautiful person. I would have been an excellent father. I hope you know that. I'd have been there for her always loyal and guarding. I don't blame you at all for losing her. I blame myself for getting involved. I know I can't ever change your mind and you not talking to me although it maybe the easiest way for you leaves me with so many unanswered questions that my mind is tortured from dawn till dusk.
moo Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 JMA707, my ex moved on quickly too. Very quickly. We weren't even broken up; just a really big argument. He thought I broke up with him, so he says. In less than a week he had a new girlfriend and told me he didn't love me anymore.
Author JMA707 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 yeah...the only good thing i can see coming out of all this pain is that now when i write my music it actually has a lot more meaning to it haha..
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