ralph1319 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 hi all, well its going on i guess 5 months now being separated.i am going to counseling for more than 2 months now and i do know some of the things ive done and have gotten some answers from seeing a counselor of why i acted the way i did towards my wife.but as of today aug28.i found out how much i really did hurt her. my bro inlaw(my wife's brother) came to visit us from texas.my wife had talked to him at her house on aug27 thurs. about what has happend to us. the next day aug 28 i asked my brother inlaw if she said that our marriage is over.he said she didnt say anything like that just of what i did and how much i hurt her.idk if its becuz it came from her brother but when he told me the things she said ive done it hit me like a ton of bricks.i know ive done some bad things but wow! i didnt realize i was that bad i feel so much hurt inside that i can act the way i did towards her and how much pain i have cost her over the years. at first i thought i was right by saying sorry alot and telling her ill never hurt her again but as i see everything from the start of our troubles to now.it was all mostly just words.in my oppion i dont think i should even be given a chance again.if you were to compare me to now and the person i was before my separation we are 2 diffrent people.i see how i was and it makes me ill to my stomach.everything about me is diffrent not just the way i talk to my wife or the way i am with my kids.i an all around better guy towards any1 and every1 i meet. its kinda weird but i end to make sure every1 around me is ok. i dont know if my wife will give me another chance i would hope so but should i get another1 for what ive done prob. not.all thought i know id be a better man.i do want to tell her sorry but this time with true meaning i just dont know howto go about it.i dont think she knows her brother told her we talked.i just feel so horrible inside thinking all this time i was saying sorry writing her notes but in realty it was just that notes with no real meaning but to make myself feel better inside and thinking it was for her. thank you all for having an open ear.
beachbum84 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 IMO actions speak louder than words. It actually upsets me to hear my husband apologize. He's so quick to say sorry, and even quicker to repeat the same thing he apologized for. You will need to prove you are sorry by showing her how much you have changed. Once bitten, twice shy, she's going to need to see the changes, not just hear them. I hope if my husband turns around like it sounds you have that I will be able to believe him. Its hard to trust again. But I also believe that you can't hide the truth for long, so it will be evident soon to her that you really have changed. I wish you the best of luck.
Gunny376 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 IMO actions speak louder than words. It actually upsets me to hear my husband apologize. He's so quick to say sorry, and even quicker to repeat the same thing he apologized for. You will need to prove you are sorry by showing her how much you have changed. Once bitten, twice shy, she's going to need to see the changes, not just hear them. I hope if my husband turns around like it sounds you have that I will be able to believe him. Its hard to trust again. But I also believe that you can't hide the truth for long, so it will be evident soon to her that you really have changed. I wish you the best of luck. Take a fools advice! This is your wife talking to you! Read it like a fourth year old! And she wants to save her marriage! She's trying hard to do so! She's waving flags! Setting off flares! Hollering! Shouting! There's a train coming! Its coming fast! You need to wake up! There's a train coming! And! You need to wake up!
Gunny376 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 IMO actions speak louder than words. It actually upsets me to hear my husband apologize. He's so quick to say sorry, and even quicker to repeat the same thing he apologized for. You will need to prove you are sorry by showing her how much you have changed. Once bitten, twice shy, she's going to need to see the changes, not just hear them. I hope if my husband turns around like it sounds you have that I will be able to believe him. Its hard to trust again. But I also believe that you can't hide the truth for long, so it will be evident soon to her that you really have changed. I wish you the best of luck. Spoken as a Father/ or Uncle of a daughter of your age? Sorry your going throguh this Kitten! Keep and be strong ~ and you are!
ryepatch Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 ralph, i know exactly what you mean about trying to say you're sorry, and have her understand you mean it in a different way. and i know, actions speak louder than words, but how do you show somebody you've changed (in terms of relationship dynamics) if you're not currently in a relationship with them? don't they have to give you another chance first? it's tough, man. at least your wife isn't throwing around the D word like mine is.
Author ralph1319 Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 IMO actions speak louder than words. It actually upsets me to hear my husband apologize. He's so quick to say sorry, and even quicker to repeat the same thing he apologized for. You will need to prove you are sorry by showing her how much you have changed. Once bitten, twice shy, she's going to need to see the changes, not just hear them. I hope if my husband turns around like it sounds you have that I will be able to believe him. Its hard to trust again. But I also believe that you can't hide the truth for long, so it will be evident soon to her that you really have changed. I wish you the best of luck. if you dont mind me asking you since you are kinda in the same shoes as my wife is in.how would your husband or myself go about showing that we've change? i know telling her isnt enough.But i do want her to know i am a diffrent man. i just dont know what to do.or where to start.
Author ralph1319 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 ty bentnotbroken ill try that ive asked her before what she needs and it was space but i havent asked her the questions you wrote on what i can do to help her heal maybe she'll say more than just space this time.i do want to get through this and help her heal as much as i can or should i say as much as she will let me. i dont want to be pushy.im very scared to talk to her though i always find myself hurting after i see her. thats when i start to miss her even more.
floridapad Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 It sounds like you have grown from this experience. No matter what happens with your wife just remember that you have grown and as beachbum said actions speak louder than words. Actions can sometimes come in the form of silence. Telling them you love them and you are sorry all the time does not work right now. As much as YOU know you have changed, she does not and your words will have limited meaning. Let her know that you love her and that you will give her the space she needs and then give it to her. It's not easy and I feel for you, but its not about you right now. It's about her. Remember that. It's not about your pain its about hers.
beachbum84 Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 if you dont mind me asking you since you are kinda in the same shoes as my wife is in.how would your husband or myself go about showing that we've change? i know telling her isnt enough.But i do want her to know i am a diffrent man. i just dont know what to do.or where to start. Since I don't know exactly what your wife is waiting on you to change its sorta hard for me to answer that. But I will say this. If she hasn't wanted a D yet then she is waiting to see change. Thats good for you. For me my husband needs to start with taking responsibiltiy for his own actions and being more responsible in general. If he could manage to be on time every morning to pick up our DD that would be a sign of improvement for me. If he promised to do something and followed through with it, on time, and w/out needing a reminder, that would be sign for me. If he requested a weekend day off and planned a day with me, or heck even just the 3 of us, that would be a sign. If he saw something that needed to be done and did it that would be sign. If he didn't neglect things to the point that I am really mad before he's willing to take care of them, that would be a sign. If I never hear the phrases "I'm working on it" "I didn't know" "I didn't know it was that big of a deal" "Sorry, can we be done with it now?", that would be a sign. If he made me feel sexy, irresistable, someone he couldn't live without, that would be a sign. Maybe for you, you could get her a day at a spa to pamper herself, and while she is gone you could catch up any housework, or handle something she simply hasn't had time to address lately. Be there for her. I definitely agree with asking her "How can I help you", don't ask, "What can I do to fix this" (for that is really annoying). Are you in contact with her much? I'll tell you this if my husband were to write me letters once in a while that would make me feel special. Or left a card on my windshield just because (like he did when we were dating) that would also make me feel special. Think of how you can show her how important she is to you. Find a way to make her feel that you simply cannot live without her. Surprise her. How did you make her feel special, important, number one back in the day? I suggest trying any of those. If my husband made me feel top priotity I gaurantee you I'd start feeling again that I couldn't live without him. I'm hoping and waiting that, that day might come for me. You can make that day come for you and your wife. Just be genuine and relax on the incessant verbal reminders of how much you have changed. Show her how you have, show her how much you love her, show her how much you desire her, show her how special and irreplacable she is. Feeling your love, support, and admiration is probably what she is holding out for. Otherwise she wouldn't be waiting around for you. Its not too late for y'all. You just have to put forth effort.
Author ralph1319 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 well as of right now we are living apart. do to giving her the space she wants.so as for me going to her place and doing things for her in her house its almost impossible. i dont want to be in her house without her knowing.but ill try to do things that i did before to win her heart.i kinda wanted to talk to her about how my sorry's of yesterdays.. is so diffrent of today..i just see everything diffrent now how i was then and now.. man idk how she put up with me for so many years. i would have left a long time ago.its just so amazing how awake i am now. i wish i could share it with her. i would like to show her the world..its very hard to explain but everything from the stars to the leaves on the ground is just brighter now and even more beautiful..maybe im just going crazy.lol but i would love to show her what i see in my eyes...
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