CaliGuy Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Exactly. And sometimes the more built up it gets, the more disappointing it can be. So the alternative is to play Russian Roulette with every guy you date, taking the off chance you won't get a STD (or worse) because you think for some reason if you marry someone you didn't have sex with first that they could be a dud? There are so many things wrong with that assumption. #1 If you really love someone, the sex, even if it's bad, will get better as you learn to communicate each others needs. #2 Having sex prior to marriage doesn't guarantee marital bliss. #3 Sex is not the main factor in a marriage. Many young people think it is but that's hormones talking. When you get down to it, sex is only a small part of the equation. #4 Getting good at sex requires a lot of practice. Practice you can get while married (and making it FUN practice!) versus practicing on people you will never have any long term plans with. I dunno. I disagree with the "try before you buy" rule because sex prior to marriage tends to skew one's vision. You are less likely to evaluate someone as an ideal or not ideal partner if you're having sex and emotionally vested in them. This is why I think many women stay with bad men. They equate sex with deep emotional feelings. Guys who don't see any long term potential in a woman will still have sex with her until she cuts bait. Not sure how anyone can deem that wise.
allina Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I have sex when I feel like it. I have had sex with people I didn't love or didn't want a relationship with. As long as both parties feel comfortable with sex and respect each other I don't think there should be any guidelines.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 So the alternative is to play Russian Roulette with every guy you date, taking the off chance you won't get a STD (or worse) because you think for some reason if you marry someone you didn't have sex with first that they could be a dud? There are so many things wrong with that assumption. #1 If you really love someone, the sex, even if it's bad, will get better as you learn to communicate each others needs. #2 Having sex prior to marriage doesn't guarantee marital bliss. #3 Sex is not the main factor in a marriage. Many young people think it is but that's hormones talking. When you get down to it, sex is only a small part of the equation. #4 Getting good at sex requires a lot of practice. Practice you can get while married (and making it FUN practice!) versus practicing on people you will never have any long term plans with. I dunno. I disagree with the "try before you buy" rule because sex prior to marriage tends to skew one's vision. You are less likely to evaluate someone as an ideal or not ideal partner if you're having sex and emotionally vested in them. This is why I think many women stay with bad men. They equate sex with deep emotional feelings. Guys who don't see any long term potential in a woman will still have sex with her until she cuts bait. Not sure how anyone can deem that wise. Who said I screw every guy I date? Watch your jumping of the gun. Just because I said I wont marry a guy before having sex, doesn't equal to screwing every guy I date. Whating to have sex doesn't guarantee anything either. I don't understand how anyone can think that it does..
Vet Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 So the alternative is to play Russian Roulette with every guy you date, taking the off chance you won't get a STD (or worse) because you think for some reason if you marry someone you didn't have sex with first that they could be a dud? There are so many things wrong with that assumption. #1 If you really love someone, the sex, even if it's bad, will get better as you learn to communicate each others needs. #2 Having sex prior to marriage doesn't guarantee marital bliss. #3 Sex is not the main factor in a marriage. Many young people think it is but that's hormones talking. When you get down to it, sex is only a small part of the equation. #4 Getting good at sex requires a lot of practice. Practice you can get while married (and making it FUN practice!) versus practicing on people you will never have any long term plans with. I dunno. I disagree with the "try before you buy" rule because sex prior to marriage tends to skew one's vision. You are less likely to evaluate someone as an ideal or not ideal partner if you're having sex and emotionally vested in them. This is why I think many women stay with bad men. They equate sex with deep emotional feelings. Guys who don't see any long term potential in a woman will still have sex with her until she cuts bait. Not sure how anyone can deem that wise. She's not saying that she's having sex with every guy she dates. To turn it around, she's just saying that she isn't going to play Russian roulette by not finding out if the guy she marries is sexually compatible. Also, I've had a lot of casual, even unprotected, sex, and I have never had an STD. There are ways to mitigate your risks. Your points go the opposite way: 1) Not necessarily true. Sex could be bad forever because both of you don't know how to do it. It's not some magical endowment that comes about just because you love someone. 2) Saving sex for marriage doesn't guarantee marital bliss. 3) She isn't saying sex is the only part of marriage, but I am saying it's very important. 4) Just like playing golf the wrong way forever won't make you a good golfer, sex is the same way. It takes instruction too. It's great that you're saving yourself or whatever, but that's your life and if it works for you, that's awesome. It doesn't work for everyone else, for a lot of very good reasons, so I'd save your "wise judgments".
Author dreamergrl Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 It just seems like there is a lot of focus on sexual compatibility. I'm sure you don't mean it to sound this way, but it almost comes across like sex is the most important thing to you. Of course its important if your sex life is good, but I'm sorry most of the time you really care about someone, you have that connection, the sex is great. I have never been physically attracted to someone along with a great chemistry and the sex be off. If you are or were waiting for sex, how would you know?
Author dreamergrl Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 I'm not sure what you mean. If you're waiting for sex, how would you know. Go back and read the statement of yours I bolded. You claimed that you've never been attracted to a guy and the sex be off. How would you know this if you are waiting to have sex? If you are waiting for marriage, and preaching how important it is, I don't see how you'd really have much to compare to, for this statement to be able to back up what your saying.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 um, i've never been married and waited for sex. i'm also not waiting until marriage for sex. where did i say i was waiting for marriage to have sex. I have waited in relationships, ones where there is a strong connection.and the sex is fine. i've just never had an incident where you are compatible on all other levels, and then sex isn't good. i guess it must happen though, but saying its hard to believe if you click very good in general. Hmmm my mistake then, I could have sworn you said you were waiting for marriage. But it has happened to me, the sex was horrible, everything else was great. And it's not fun being in a relationship where the sex is bad. So I can't imagine not knowing what sex is like prior to marriage. No, sex is not everything, but it's an important part of intimacy, which is an important part of a relationship, married or not.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Everything was great but the sex? I doubt you would tell, but what made the sex so bad? Was he deformed in the groin area? Was he classified as boring in bed? Did he not how to use it? I guess I'm not understanding the issue. or is it you somehow lose that spark during sex for an unknown reason? if so, i hope that never happens to me. It was like we did move right together, there wasn't a wow feeling. I never looked forward to having sex. But hey kissing, and cuddling, and all that stuff, was great. He wasn't deformed, he was average size, I'd say he was kind of boring. Not real interested in trying different positions and keeping it exciting. I mean, I don't go as far as role playing or anything super freaky, but the usual missionary position gets old after a while. So that is what I mean by not sexual compatible. People like different things. And want different things. And if I'm bored with the sex, or want something a bit more out of it, or try something new, and he doesn't want that, then it's hard for me to give my 100% effort back.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 I understand this, but exciting sex isn't just about different positions. I actually have never done that many positions, and sex was still great. i think if you have a great connection that does help a lot. if it was just about sex, it could get real boring i suppose. Of course adding in some other things helps, nothing too kinky. I think some people might expect too much from sex, I don't know. well, if the guy was great in every other way, if the sex wasn't the best, it would be hard to dump him over that, although it is important. also, i think communication is the key. normally if you mention something to a guy they will go with the flow or in this case try new things. if they are all uptight and weird about it that actually would bother me a lot though , and i wouldn't want to deal with that. You have proven my point to a tee. Sexual compatibility. Different people have different wants and needs when it comes to sex. It doesn't mean it's expecting too much, but different things excite people, get them turned on. Different sex drives as well. You can't just create it, people are who they are. Sure you can work on things, make a few changes, but there are opposites as far as sex is concerned. And if it's not working in the bedroom, it's not going to work outside of the bedroom.
Vet Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 http://coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/john-van-epp/sexual-compatibility Eye roll is right.
Lovelybird Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 It was like we did move right together, there wasn't a wow feeling. I never looked forward to having sex. But hey kissing, and cuddling, and all that stuff, was great. He wasn't deformed, he was average size, I'd say he was kind of boring. Not real interested in trying different positions and keeping it exciting. I mean, I don't go as far as role playing or anything super freaky, but the usual missionary position gets old after a while. So that is what I mean by not sexual compatible. People like different things. And want different things. And if I'm bored with the sex, or want something a bit more out of it, or try something new, and he doesn't want that, then it's hard for me to give my 100% effort back. It seems like you can NOT connect with him in a deeper level, or explore the other fully in heart and spirit level, so you try to find excitement from sex. It is like those porn addicts. Their addiction to porn is escalating, they find the tradition sex is boring, then they seek more exciting stuff, then after a while they seek perverted stuff, are they satisfied? nope, they can never be satisfied by porn, how can they? They are looking for superfical diversity and sacrificed real connection with a real human being. They are hunger for connection with others, but seek it in a wrong way, its their inability to connect with real human being, inability to feel a deeper way of love I like to quote what a man said "I slept with some prostitutes, all of them felt like same boring, but with my wife, every experience is different and exciting". Is his wife top of the porn queen in skills? no, but the love he felt for his wife made the sex special. So when people have deep love for their partner, the sex is great too. Sex isn't the short cut to connection with a real human being. Rather opposite, if you have deep connection with a real human, then you can have great sex. If you feel unsatisfied in relationship or deep connection with your partner, sex cannot be a easy shortcut way. One has to dig deeper in another human being, try harder to study another human being and self, and try harder to discover self, and fearlessly expose true self to another, and these make relationship fun and colorful, love is an adventure only brave ones can have, love cannot ever be boring. if you find it boring, then it isn't love, but lust
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 With my first serious boyfriend, we waited over a year. He was also my first sexual partner. In my next serious relationship, we waited a month. With my current boyfriend, I wouldn't even say we had sex on the first date...more like sex was the first date. We originally just met for a casual hook up. We've been together for about a year and a half. My feeling now is that sex is extremely important to me in a relationship; maybe I think like a man a bit in that typically, the desire for sex is why I get into a relationship in the first place. So I have to know if the sexual chemistry is there early on. Otherwise it's not worth it for me. But everyone's different.
Vet Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 It seems like you can NOT connect with him in a deeper level, or explore the other fully in heart and spirit level, so you try to find excitement from sex. It is like those porn addicts. Their addiction to porn is escalating, they find the tradition sex is boring, then they seek more exciting stuff, then after a while they seek perverted stuff, are they satisfied? nope, they can never be satisfied by porn, how can they? They are looking for superfical diversity and sacrificed real connection with a real human being. They are hunger for connection with others, but seek it in a wrong way, its their inability to connect with real human being, inability to feel a deeper way of love I like to quote what a man said "I slept with some prostitutes, all of them felt like same boring, but with my wife, every experience is different and exciting". Is his wife top of the porn queen in skills? no, but the love he felt for his wife made the sex special. So when people have deep love for their partner, the sex is great too. Sex isn't the short cut to connection with a real human being. Rather opposite, if you have deep connection with a real human, then you can have great sex. If you feel unsatisfied in relationship or deep connection with your partner, sex cannot be a easy shortcut way. One has to dig deeper in another human being, try harder to study another human being and self, and try harder to discover self, and fearlessly expose true self to another, and these make relationship fun and colorful, love is an adventure only brave ones can have, love cannot ever be boring. if you find it boring, then it isn't love, but lust That doesn't sound like what she's said at all; if anything, it sounds like your personal beliefs about what she's doing have influenced the way you've approached what she's saying.
Lovelybird Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 With my first serious boyfriend, we waited over a year. He was also my first sexual partner. In my next serious relationship, we waited a month. With my current boyfriend, I wouldn't even say we had sex on the first date...more like sex was the first date. We originally just met for a casual hook up. We've been together for about a year and a half. My feeling now is that sex is extremely important to me in a relationship; maybe I think like a man a bit in that typically, the desire for sex is why I get into a relationship in the first place. So I have to know if the sexual chemistry is there early on. Otherwise it's not worth it for me. But everyone's different. so the sex is the major connection between you two? what if one day that chemistry fade?
littlewhiterose Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 My first "adult" relationship, we had such intense chemistry that it ended up happening on the first date. Something I never usually do. It wasn't random pickup/date. We had known each other for a few months. We ended up staying together for 3 1/2 years. Would I do it again? I don't know. It doesn't really jive with my ideals now that I'm older and have learned things along the way. Of course I wouldn't necessarily rule it out, if the chemistry caused me to see stars.
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 so the sex is the major connection between you two? what if one day that chemistry fade? Originally it was, as neither of us were really interested in a long term relationship at the time. Now it is not the primary focus of the relationship, just a really nice perk.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 http://coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/john-van-epp/sexual-compatibility Yeah, what vet said, eye roll is right. i just thought of something. if someone considers sexual incompatibility such as someone being boring, not trying new positions..things like that, then that is definitely something you should and could discuss prior to sex....that is what i don't get, but just a thought But how do you know what will and wont work until you actually try it? You can talk about it until you turn blue in the face, but you wont know what feels good with your partner until it happens
Lish Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I bet you didn't listen to God. or followed His advices Okay, lady. You have actually made me livid. I've been very patient reading your opinions but I've had enough. Now, let's not get anything mistaken before I start: I respect your faith. I respect every religion and its followers. Live and let live. Just because YOU have a faith, does not mean YOU are correct. There are many different religions with very different beliefs. Therefore, this does not give you the right to waltz on here and tell people they should listen to "God and His advices". And I will explain exactly why that is: Like I said, there are many different religions, each with their own set of things they believe in. By you parading around this thread throwing YOUR beliefs around like they're cold, hard facts (to you, they are and to others, they are not), you are thereby making the strong implication that what anyone else on this forum believes in is wrong, or in the case of an atheist, does NOT believe in. The quoted comment got to me. I was actually not that bothered about what you were saying until you blurted out utter trash like that. When I was six, I was sexually abused (including rape) and physically/mentally abused.. and so it continued for the following seven years... by my father. By your comment, you're saying that anyone who finds themselves in an abusive situation did NOT listen to "the advices of God". So, you tell me LADY, what "advices" I was meant to follow aged six. I am a medical student and will be a doctor, so hopefully I will be able to help those with the same past (or similar, of course) as me, but don't you dare say that I and other girls/boys in the same position brought it on ourselves because we didn't listen to "advices" given by the figurehead of YOUR belief. Ugh.
Lovelybird Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Okay, lady. You have actually made me livid. I've been very patient reading your opinions but I've had enough. Now, let's not get anything mistaken before I start: I respect your faith. I respect every religion and its followers. Live and let live. Just because YOU have a faith, does not mean YOU are correct. There are many different religions with very different beliefs. Therefore, this does not give you the right to waltz on here and tell people they should listen to "God and His advices". And I will explain exactly why that is: Like I said, there are many different religions, each with their own set of things they believe in. By you parading around this thread throwing YOUR beliefs around like they're cold, hard facts (to you, they are and to others, they are not), you are thereby making the strong implication that what anyone else on this forum believes in is wrong, or in the case of an atheist, does NOT believe in. The quoted comment got to me. I was actually not that bothered about what you were saying until you blurted out utter trash like that. When I was six, I was sexually abused (including rape) and physically/mentally abused.. and so it continued for the following seven years... by my father. By your comment, you're saying that anyone who finds themselves in an abusive situation did NOT listen to "the advices of God". So, you tell me LADY, what "advices" I was meant to follow aged six. I am a medical student and will be a doctor, so hopefully I will be able to help those with the same past (or similar, of course) as me, but don't you dare say that I and other girls/boys in the same position brought it on ourselves because we didn't listen to "advices" given by the figurehead of YOUR belief. Ugh. At age six, you aren't responsible. I was talking about adult who has ability to choose, and they chose to stay with an abusive bf, or chose to withhold affection from spouse, or chose to be pride, or chose to be mean, chose to be unforgiving, chose to pay back for one eye with one eye....., then there is some responsibility for them to bear.
Vet Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 At age six, you aren't responsible. I was talking about adult who has ability to choose, and they chose to stay with an abusive bf, or chose to withhold affection from spouse, or chose to be pride, or chose to be mean, chose to be unforgiving, chose to pay back for one eye with one eye....., then there is some responsibility for them to bear. But if they'd followed God, they'd be blameless, right?
Island Girl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 At age six, you aren't responsible. I was talking about adult who has ability to choose, and they chose to stay with an abusive bf, or chose to withhold affection from spouse, or chose to be pride, or chose to be mean, chose to be unforgiving, chose to pay back for one eye with one eye....., then there is some responsibility for them to bear. So withholding affection from a spouse is wrong somehow? Anytime that a spouse wants to have sex the other person has to or they are being disobedient or wrong? THAT is wrong. A person should have sex if they themselves want to and ONLY then.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 At age six, you aren't responsible. I was talking about adult who has ability to choose, and they chose to stay with an abusive bf, or chose to withhold affection from spouse, or chose to be pride, or chose to be mean, chose to be unforgiving, chose to pay back for one eye with one eye....., then there is some responsibility for them to bear. You know what is most sick about your statement in this.. I was pregnant when I got beat. I ended up in the hospital with a miscarraige. And when that happened I left. And I blamed myself for no good reason for so many years. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't not responsible for HIS actions. Because of the filth you are spitting out. So God punished an unborn child because I didn't listen to him? Give me a freaking break lady.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 You know what is most sick about your statement in this.. I was pregnant when I got beat. I ended up in the hospital with a miscarraige. And when that happened I left. And I blamed myself for no good reason for so many years. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't not responsible for HIS actions. Because of the filth you are spitting out. So God punished an unborn child because I didn't listen to him? Give me a freaking break lady. Just to add to this before you start saying if I would have waited to be married before having sex... This guy DID want to marry me. And should I have waited to have sex.. then I'd be married to a man who beat the crap out of me and cause me to lose my child... then I'd be married to an abusive man who feels no remorse about doing such a thing... because he was no like this until after the fact I was pregnant.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 i wasn't going to say anymore, but you know what, I am not extremely religious, but i honestly think some of you are twisting what lovely said around. and calling what she said "utterer of trash", that's a bit overboard. where the heck do you even get those interpretations from. i think she means at age 6 you don't have enough knowledge as to how handle an abusive situation. when you are much older, yes some girls do choose to stay with their abusive boyfriends. no one is saying because you don't believe in god, its your fault you were abused, but at that age you should have enough sense to get out of the situation and not put up with the abuse. you start bringing up your traumatic life stories, no one cares that is not the point of this thread. are you trying to make people feel sorry for what happened to you? it sounds like some blame god from their abusive situations or what happened to them. Um I chose to leave after he did this. I did not chose to stay. I can't predict what one is going to do. I made the right choice after it happened. That is all I could do. Read much? you know also i think if a guy is boring and doesn't want to please you or try new things in bed, its clear he doesn't have much of an emotional connection towards you to begin with or isn't into you..he just doesn't care about you or your needs, which is all the better reason to wait to have sex, ..not meaning marriage necessarily Where does it say that I with the guy I'm speaking of that I didn't wait until there was a connection? Some people are just content with certain sexual acts, and don't want more. While others like different things. That is called being incompatible.
silverfish Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 you start bringing up your traumatic life stories, no one cares that is not the point of this thread. are you trying to make people feel sorry for what happened to you? it sounds like some blame god from their abusive situations or what happened to them. Wow that's a lovely Christian attitude you have there. You don't speak for all of us and certainly not me sunshine.
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