How Long Do You Wait?

[northstar1]

this is what i was thinking. it seems like lovelybird was drilled about their religious beliefs. just accept it , briefly comment and go on. even if some say they respect religion, i don't think they do. most mature people understand how religious people can be, and nothing can change that.

 

This forum is a place for discourse. Ofcourse I don't expect that my own views will change what Lovelybird believes. I may not believe in what she is saying, but I do respect her right to present them.

 

If someone is going to present their views on a message board, they can expect people to challenge them if they do not agree.

[dreamergrl]

i wasn't born yesterday. yes i do know the point of a forum. your first response towards lovesbird was a bit over the top then it only further got worse, but its fine..i realize some are not religious at all and i think they almost resent others for being able to wait until marriage or respect themselves.

 

So because I do not agree and gave my opinion that was opposed to someone else's opinion, I'm resentful? No. Sorry. I am fine with who I am, how I am, the choices I make, the actions I take, and the paths I've chosen.

 

Besides... you avoided my previous questions....

 

Why is it so hard to understand that a person does not deserve to be put in a bad situation just because they have different beliefs?

 

And I have no issue with someone choosing to wait until marriage to have sex. I really don't. It's not my cup of tea, but if it works for someone else, then so be it. But to believe that waiting will protect you from all the bad that can happen in relationships is a mindless thought.

 

It's also disrespectful to many people to claim that those who have sex before marriage really aren't good trust worthy people. That makes a good majority of this board untrustworthy.

 

The world is not black and white. There are so many shades of gray - you could have a colorless rainbow.

[Vet]

I couldn't bare to read all these pages, but what I'm seeing is some disrespect for some people having strong beliefs in God. Believe it or not, some people are highly religious, and they believe its right to wait until marriage. Why is that so hard to understand.

 

If you want to have sex so bad, please go do it, but be smart about it and at least wait until you have known the person say more than a week. Also, since when is sex that difficult, its not likely you are going to not have sexual compatibility and if for some reason you do after waiting a while to have sex, then break up. But that sounds ridiculous.

 

Actually, what you saw was disrespect from the person who you're defending in this post. From her first contribution to this thread, Lovelybird denigrated the character of those that didn't share her belief system. Why is it that the religious hold up their banners, and then start crying "disrespect" when people have a problem with their execrable speech? Why is it so hard to understand that there are some people that aren't religious, highly or otherwise?

 

Also, it's very likely that two people don't have sexual compatibility. Are you really advocating that people don't have sex until marriage, but if they're sexually incompatible, to stay together irregardless? I mean, sure, why not? They won't know what they're missing anyway, right? When they get older, they won't start wondering what they missed out on.... right? They won't cheat on their spouse to find out...... right?

[CaliGuy]

So, CG - are you waiting for marriage?

 

For me that would be ideal. I don't ascribe to the notion that you have to "try before you buy" because sex before marriage often clouds one's judgment can lead to overly-emotional decisions on the relationship that, if sex wasn't swaying the decision, would be a lot easier to make.

 

Last time I looked this statistic up, couples who waited for marriage and did not live together prior to marriage had a better chance of long term success than those who did not.

 

Of course, surveys can vary wildly so I don't really know. If you are a person of deep faith and you believe God has a plan for you, you should wait. I really do think pre-marital sex is not a good idea but I'm not here to judge.

 

I have friends who are in this situation and more often than not the person doesn't leave a bad relationship because SOME of their needs are being met (physical) while many others (emotional) are not. It's just silly to stay with someone because they are meeting a couple of your needs and not all of them.

 

And if they meet all of them, why aren't they getting married?!

[dreamergrl]

For me that would be ideal. I don't ascribe to the notion that you have to "try before you buy" because sex before marriage often clouds one's judgment can lead to overly-emotional decisions on the relationship that, if sex wasn't swaying the decision, would be a lot easier to make.

 

Last time I looked this statistic up, couples who waited for marriage and did not live together prior to marriage had a better chance of long term success than those who did not.

 

Of course, surveys can vary wildly so I don't really know. If you are a person of deep faith and you believe God has a plan for you, you should wait. I really do think pre-marital sex is not a good idea but I'm not here to judge.

 

I have friends who are in this situation and more often than not the person doesn't leave a bad relationship because SOME of their needs are being met (physical) while many others (emotional) are not. It's just silly to stay with someone because they are meeting a couple of your needs and not all of them.

 

And if they meet all of them, why aren't they getting married?!

 

But how do you know if your sexual needs will be met, if you have no idea if you are sexually compatible? You can't know this until actually having sex.

[northstar1]

For me that would be ideal. I don't ascribe to the notion that you have to "try before you buy" because sex before marriage often clouds one's judgment can lead to overly-emotional decisions on the relationship that, if sex wasn't swaying the decision, would be a lot easier to make.

 

Last time I looked this statistic up, couples who waited for marriage and did not live together prior to marriage had a better chance of long term success than those who did not.

 

Of course, surveys can vary wildly so I don't really know. If you are a person of deep faith and you believe God has a plan for you, you should wait. I really do think pre-marital sex is not a good idea but I'm not here to judge.

 

I have friends who are in this situation and more often than not the person doesn't leave a bad relationship because SOME of their needs are being met (physical) while many others (emotional) are not. It's just silly to stay with someone because they are meeting a couple of your needs and not all of them.

 

And if they meet all of them, why aren't they getting married?!

 

 

Surveys are a slippery slope, since you can always find one done by some group to support their own stance. ie. I could go online and find that the highest divorce rate in the US is in the bible belt - but I take all of those with a grain of salt for accuracy.

 

My point is, is that it comes down to a personal choice on what best works for you.

 

We may not agree with others views on here, but at least we should be tolerant of them being allowed to air them, right?

[Vet]

you seem to put a great deal of emphasis on whether or not YOUR sexual needs are met. there is more to a relationship than that, i hate to tell you. not sure if it you meant it to sound like that or not. the thing is, most people are going to be sexual compatible, if they hit it off other wise. there are some that aren't for whatever reasons, but if you ask me, its not likely. if you love someone, the sex should be great. i would think if you are highly attracted to the person and you "click", sex should be awesome.

 

You obviously haven't had a lot of sex, and are coming to this conclusion from a place of ignorance.

[dreamergrl]

you seem to put a great deal of emphasis on whether or not YOUR sexual needs are met. there is more to a relationship than that, i hate to tell you. not sure if it you meant it to sound like that or not. the thing is, most people are going to be sexual compatible, if they hit it off other wise. there are some that aren't for whatever reasons, but if you ask me, its not likely. if you love someone, the sex should be great. i would think if you are highly attracted to the person and you "click", sex should be awesome.

 

Now if you actually took the time to read all the posts, you'd have seen that it is greatly important to me that the man I am with has his needs met. I've stated several times in this thread that it's about BOTH people.

 

And just because you are attracted to someone, doesn't mean the sex will work. Sorry.

 

You could end up with a guy who has a thing for peeing on his mate - and never knew it before because you didn't have sex. Sexual fetishes don't normally come out until sex is involved.

[carhill]

My wife and I talked about sex before we had sex. No surprises. Our incompatibilities weren't sexual. If I'm into golden showers and/or scatology, as examples, I would of course bring those preferences up during such communication. If I'm comfortable with myself, my body and my sexuality, why would I not? If my partner is not comfortable with such things or talk about such things, then we are incompatible. No sex required

 

It's when people are secretive, do not disclose, and have skeletons in their closet that problems ensue and feelings are hurt. People can do all those things even whilst penises are residing in vaginas. There are no guarantees.

 

Personally, I think all methodologies are correct as long as the person employing their choice is comfortable with themselves, their psyche and the ramifications of the choice. Sometimes, perhaps oftentimes, as people gain more life experience, their methodology changes; their perspective mutates from experience. Perfectly normal, like the recent poster from Asia who has now decided to wait for marriage to have intercourse because of personal negative feelings about her past sexual encounters. Good on her for being honest with herself. It might not be my path, but I can appreciate, respect and empathize with hers, even if I had been that BF whom she 'shut off' after a time of sexual contact. A person is far more than their gonads, at least in my view.

 

Well, enjoy your Saturday.....

[dreamergrl]

But, in my opinion, if two people are waiting for marriage to have sex, they may not know what they want sexually, or are into. Things like that develop over time. With experience.

[Isolde]

I don't know how long people should wait. I do think that people are motivated partially by sex in relationships, including the idea of sex before they've starting actually having it, and there is no way of avoiding this influence. In addition, I think divorce because of sexual incompatibilities would be worse than premarital sex that eventually led to a marriage.

 

I "get" a lot of things about religion and have beliefs, but I don't know if I particularly "get" the idea of premarital sex in a committed relationship being inherently bad. I do think the best and deepest expression of sex is in marriage, and that cohabitation should be reserved for marriage.

[carhill]

But, in my opinion, if two people are waiting for marriage to have sex, they may not know what they want sexually, or are into. Things like that develop over time. With experience.

Listen, I waited until I was 35 to have sex. The only significant thing which has changed is that I'm now a lot more picky about the psychological state of the partner I choose. If I get a whiff of unstable, I'm gone. That's why I wait to have sex now, even though, at 50, women are a lot more randy and openly sexual. Women can cover up instability with sex for awhile, but then it comes out. Sounds a lot like what women say about men, eh?

 

I think your statement might apply for young people who are complete virgins, not just intercourse virgins. Any person of substantial life experience will know what they want and enjoy, whether they are getting it or not at any particular moment.

 

Just so you know, I got 12 years of Catholic education and had a special relationship with the toilets at the church, given all the shyte that was proffered in there.

[dreamergrl]

But that's you Carhill, it may not apply like that to everyone. It took me a few boyfriends before I knew what I liked and wanted out of sex. And I had a boyfriend who just was not good with sex. We just didn't groove right. Everything else about our relationship was awesome, but the sex was horrible. I'd rather know that before getting married.

[carhill]

I do think the best and deepest expression of sex is in marriage, and that cohabitation should be reserved for marriage

I'll take it a step further and opine the deepest and most profound expression of love and commitment is sex within the confines of marriage.

 

I never have and never will live with someone I'm not married to. Further, if a woman (my age) is not clearly living alone and independently, I won't even consider dating her.

 

So, OP, gathering some good perspective here? I'm anxiously awaiting an invite to your next BBQ. Denver is only a two hour plane flight

 

It took me a few boyfriends before I knew what I liked and wanted out of sex. And I had a boyfriend who just was not good with sex.

Yes, this makes sense, because those boyfriends likely occurred when you were young and still growing emotionally and cognitively. Imagine if you had done all that growth without sex being part of the process and then, later, becoming sexual. It's just a different path. I will never know yours because I did not walk it, nor you mine. It's the uniqueness of human experience which defines life. Otherwise, this conversation would never have happened

[dreamergrl]

I will agree, even though I haven't been married, that married sex will be amazing. But for me, as long as I know I'm sexually compatible with my husband first hand.

[carhill]

So, after all this, how long are you going to wait?

[dreamergrl]

I have had several partners where I talked about sex, before I actually had sex. Its all about communication. If someone can't open up about it, often, not always.....but often, the person is not that great in bed either. and this is speaking from experience. i find the best partners in bed are very open about sex. whether you wait months or until marriage, i think its best to discuss things like that.

 

i really do not get how the sex isn't good, if you are very much into each other. sex is supposed to be an expression of your feelings for someone..and if you care about them, i cant image the sex not working out. even if it didn't, everyone is capable of improving. its not that hard to work on it...discuss it..try new things. sex is not rocket science. as far as not finding things about about someone until sex....well if you get to know them and truly care for them, unless they have some major abnormal fetish that is not tolerable, how is that a deal breaker.

 

Because sex isn't just physical, nor is it just emotional. It's both. And you can't force physical sexual attraction.

 

And Carhill... I think for me, I'll wait until the time is right, FOR ME. And that wont be after I get the ring slipped on my finger :bunny:

[Star Gazer]

I wait until sex becomes the proper expression of the intimacy and connection I feel.

 

I agree with this 10000%, and for me, that intimacy and connection does NOT come in the first few dates, nor before exclusivity.

 

It's the most special act two people can share, so it shouldn't be shared with someone just because your loins are feelin' it.

[dreamergrl]

no kidding. where did anyone say its not both physical and emotional. i would think if you kept dating someone you would know if you were physically attracted to them, even if you didn't have sex with them. in my experience, if i have a high physical attraction to someone, the sex is great. i guess some people still manage to not feel chemistry during sex, but in my opinion that sounds strange

 

Ugh, do you read anything all the way through? You can have chemistry, you can be attracted to a guy, but the sex can still not work for you or the other person.

[CaliGuy]

Surveys are a slippery slope, since you can always find one done by some group to support their own stance. ie. I could go online and find that the highest divorce rate in the US is in the bible belt - but I take all of those with a grain of salt for accuracy.

 

My point is, is that it comes down to a personal choice on what best works for you.

 

We may not agree with others views on here, but at least we should be tolerant of them being allowed to air them, right?

 

Absolutely and we shouldn't be judging others. Advice is fine and it's all opinionated but in the end, it's up the individual as to how they handle things.

[Vet]

i guess ill never understand unless it happens to me.

 

Ding. Ding. Ding.

[carhill]

i really do not get how the sex isn't good, if you are very much into each other. sex is supposed to be an expression of your feelings for someone..and if you care about them, i cant image the sex not working out. even if it didn't, everyone is capable of improving. its not that hard to work on it...discuss it..try new things. sex is not rocket science. as far as not finding things about about someone until sex....well if you get to know them and truly care for them, unless they have some major abnormal fetish that is not tolerable, how is that a deal breaker.

 

I think it's really instructive to embrace and understand this viewpoint, and it's one I share. It's also instructive to embrace and understand that there is a world full of people, both men and women, who view sex completely differently and engage in it in a completely different way. For some, it's control and power; for others, it's pure personal physical pleasure without regard for another; for others, an added pop to an otherwise satisfying relationship; for others, a 'duty'. I could go on

 

Clearly, one's perspective drives one's propensity to and timing for the engagement of sex. Be it resolved there is no singular perspective. We can (and should IMO) debate the health of the various perspectives but, when the cows come home, we're back to one simple singular truth: knowing what is healthy and works for each of us personally. Armed with that information, we can seek to engage others who share that perspective and explore the potentials of interpersonal relationships.

 

Or, just have sex

[northstar1]

no kidding. where did anyone say its not both physical and emotional. i would think if you kept dating someone you would know if you were physically attracted to them, even if you didn't have sex with them. in my experience, if i have a high physical attraction to someone, the sex is great. i guess some people still manage to not feel chemistry during sex, but in my opinion that sounds strange

 

Ever seen a trailer for a movie that looks really great? It doesn't always turn out that way when you see the movie does it?

[dreamergrl]

Ever seen a trailer for a movie that looks really great? It doesn't always turn out that way when you see the movie does it?

 

Exactly. And sometimes the more built up it gets, the more disappointing it can be.

[whiteberry]

wait for marriage...