itspersonal Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Hi, FWH and I are in R and "I" keep hearing from the ow. My husband is her boss and we decided that since she lives in different state and there is someone in between them for her to report to, he has no need to see her or go there and once a week there is a expense report for him to approve and that is that. However, she WANTS to talk to him and tell him how she feels and she is angry because he is ignoring her and has told her its over but she feels there wasn't enough closure. She wants to tell him how much she hates him for all the lies promises etc. However she was married with children also so I told her she is a liar too. She and I formed a strange bond during discovery, can't explain it but I have stopped communication however I do hear from her and she is really pissed and is threatening reporting to HR. My husband is the third man she has had affair with in the company so they both would lose their jobs. She keeps sending him emails saying call me and she tells me she just needs closure and it is between her and my husband not me,,,I told her there is no her and my husband but she doesn't get it. What do we do? Should he call her or continue to ignore her. She is really ugly about this and she thinks he is vested in her still but clearly he is not. I don't know how to advise my husband but he said he didn't know that contacting her would be helpful but i would be in the loop no matter what he decides 100percent. He said he has been avoiding her for 3 months but she threatened to tell me and to tell work so he strung her along in fear of losing me. She admits he pulled away over three months ago but not verbally. What should we do????????? I am so confused and my husband and I are a united front and she states she was a pon in our "GAME"?? and has made herself the victim, Any advice as to how to deal with these constant emails at my husbands work etc.? Should he talk to her,,,does he owe her amends and if he does will that change her behavior or ignite her again? I think she just wants a foot in the door again and so my husband continues to ignore her requests,.,,he says they were both at fault and he owes her nothing? Anyone????????????
thelostsoul89 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 She doesnt deserve closure. She had an affair with a married man and she is married herself. I would say stop reading her email/ threats, completely ignore her. She has no right to make contact with your husband. And if shes threatning to call HR I suggested your Husband gets the hell out of there and get a new job before things get ugly. Him getting a new job= her having no power what so ever and it will be easy to ignore her by changing email and phone #'s. I'm sure your H wont want to quit his job but this mess is his fault he cheated and he needs to take care of the mess he made.
stuckinoz Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I agree that this mess is your husbands fault - But I wouldn't let him handle this one ALONE!! I guess worst - or best - depending on how you look at it - case scenario could be....... The FOUR of you sit down & have a lil' chit chat. You, Your Husband, HER & HER Husband. That way everyone knows what's said & that the affair is O V E R. I assume her husband knows about this affair?? If he doesn't you could toss that right back at her if she continues to talk about going to HR. I am not one that thinks that quitting your job is the answer to get away from someone you've had an affair with at work. With today's economic times, finding a good paying job is very difficult. He COULD look for other employment - but the bad side to that is that he's at the bottom of the totum pole again - (so to speak) I think that two grown adults should ACT as such. IF you choose to have an affair & the other is moving on.......then you should too. Too bad it's not always that easy. I think ignoring her emails at this point could prove to be a little dangerous. She sounds like she's COO-COO FOR COCO PUFFS:bunny:
Spark1111 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I agree that this mess is your husbands fault - But I wouldn't let him handle this one ALONE!! I guess worst - or best - depending on how you look at it - case scenario could be....... The FOUR of you sit down & have a lil' chit chat. You, Your Husband, HER & HER Husband. That way everyone knows what's said & that the affair is O V E R. I assume her husband knows about this affair?? If he doesn't you could toss that right back at her if she continues to talk about going to HR. I am not one that thinks that quitting your job is the answer to get away from someone you've had an affair with at work. With today's economic times, finding a good paying job is very difficult. He COULD look for other employment - but the bad side to that is that he's at the bottom of the totum pole again - (so to speak) I think that two grown adults should ACT as such. IF you choose to have an affair & the other is moving on.......then you should too. Too bad it's not always that easy. I think ignoring her emails at this point could prove to be a little dangerous. She sounds like she's COO-COO FOR COCO PUFFS:bunny: I think you and your husband go to HR and tell all, from the affair to reconciling, to the harassing emails. On another thread, the OW had an affair with her boss. They agreed to no contact while he worked on the marriage, but she was devastated. In the interim, she meets a single guy and his wife throws him out of the house. He contacts the OW for some hand holding. She runs to HR first and complains of harrassment. He is forced to resign. I think whomever gets to HR first, wins. Go together. Let them speak to her. Hand over any additional emails that may arrive. Do not respond to any. Lastly, contact her husband and both of you tell him the truth. This should have already been done.
bentnotbroken Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I think you and your husband go to HR and tell all, from the affair to reconciling, to the harassing emails. On another thread, the OW had an affair with her boss. They agreed to no contact while he worked on the marriage, but she was devastated. In the interim, she meets a single guy and his wife throws him out of the house. He contacts the OW for some hand holding. She runs to HR first and complains of harrassment. He is forced to resign. I think whomever gets to HR first, wins. Go together. Let them speak to her. Hand over any additional emails that may arrive. Do not respond to any. Lastly, contact her husband and both of you tell him the truth. This should have already been done. This is your best option. Does her H know she is containing to contact your H?
Gamine Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 The first question that comes to mind is whether her husband has been informed. The next that comes to mind is that perhaps you need to go see an attorney and fast. What she is doing may be a form of extortion or blackmail. This is something that you need to look into and threaten her with if necessary. And, if she wants closure... invite her to meet you and your husband at your attorney's office to discuss her threats.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 well the OW can fek off. She isn't entitled to closure. Or you could ask her, "so you think you are entitled to closure? well because you fekd my husband, I'm entitled to b!tch slap you" And your H is her boss?? Oh, he'd better be very careful. She can slap a harrassment suit on the company since he is her superior and can be seen as him taking advantage of a subordinate. It happened where I work. Doesn't matter if it was consentual. If she files suit, your H is screwed. The guy here was asked to resign or be fired.
Author itspersonal Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 Love the meeting in attorneys office. That is a good idea too. Her h and her are in the midst of divorce and he and their children know nothing about affair,,he is divorcing her because she hasn't had sex or intimacy with him and has pulled away for a few years (even prior to my FWH she had another guy) and he couldn't figure out why,,,she says she is better off without him and wants to be on her own but she doesn't want him hurt anymore then he has been so that is a little ace in the hole. FWHubby said she is already moving on to a single Boss that he placed between the two of them to stop contact ,,,,FWH says he sees that developing before his eyes so she is on to the next if he doesn't respond she might just do that as that is her MO. I think that she wants control so NC is the answer but wow what a mess. If FWH goes down ,,,so does she and all the other VPS and workers she has done in the past...so company will have to fire hubby but will see her pattern and she will be unemployed also,,,she is persistant though. I spoke with an attorney and he said no to HR,,,he said we give them no choice but to investigate and fire my husband so he said best just to not give in to her antics and see what she does,,,he believes they are empty threats but said that if she does out them,,,we could then sue her for blackmail. Lets hope this all goes away! Thanks everyone you are always so helpful! All we want to do is heal and she is making it so hard..how can she claim victim?
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 TELL her soon to be exhusband about her affair with your husband. Either way, your husband needs to quit his job and find something else, he shouldn't be working with her anymore.
jj33 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Has your H ever had an A with someone at work before? How is his performance? How is he viewed at the company? All of that will influence whether or not you should go to HR. He is 2 levels above her which means that he is in a pretty good position. In this economy finding a new job may not be a walk in the park. If he is really valued, then going to HR is a good option. Of course you have saved all her emails right? Your H is an executive. What is his take on going to hR? You dont mention how HE wants to handle the mess he has made. I would NOT suggest contacting her H while the HR threat is live. You dont want to antagonize someone who could cause him to lose his job. Has your H spoken to an employment lawyer? You say that your H is the 3rd person she has had an A with and they will both lose their jobs... If she hasnt been fired for her other As why are you so sure they will be fired now (unless your H's job could be on the line for other reasons (his division isnt doing well etc) The 2 of you should NOT talk to her in an attys office unless your H has already spoken to HR. This impacts the company. And the company may not take kindly to H dragging her to an attys office without their consent. They may have a potential sexual harrassment suit on their hands. Now you might say you are not dragging her there but she is his subordinate so she can twist that any way she likes. It sounds crazy i know because she has been the pass around pack at work but it happens. I know someone in my industry who moves from company to company and each time she leaves she files... and now has a nice little nest egg (charming eh?)
Author itspersonal Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 Dexter, your posts crack me up,,,always empowering in some way! His job is excellent ,,,no other affairs ever,,, he is being promoted to a very high level. She hasn't been fired because she hasn't ever reported it before, although she has threatened and they too were her bosses. She is a real piece of work. She is harrassing him not the other way around and yes he has saved the emails...he can't shake her. He is willing to leave but is having trouble finding a position and I have told him to wait until he finds a better position. I will not allow her to push my WH out of a job he loves and cause financial hardship on our family because she threatens us,,however his choices led to this and I don't deny that. He is 100 percent responsible for his part in this affair and I know this. If she reports then we live with that. She too will lose her job and so will 3 other VP's as he will not let her go unscathed. He said that in the handbook HR will have no choice but to fire them both so in that sense we are doing good but she is now trying to sound like a victim and afraid for herself because he may make her job tough so she may be preparing for a lawsuit. Who knows but I do know that he has done nothing and said nothing and I am the one she contacts the most and I am going to stop all contact because she is just using me to get to him. I am soooo done. I just don't know what I was thinking. thanks everyone,,,,
NoIDidn't Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Document EVERYTHING and get a lawyer ASAP. It might not be a guarantee against him losing his job, but it may stop the harassment from her. Document everything, get a lawyer to send her a "No Contact" letter - make sure that it goes to her home and set up a meeting with HR (and the lawyer) to give them one. Make sure to do the HR meeting as soon as her letter is mailed. And consider getting documentation from the other men she's cheated with in the office as well via the lawyer. I can't say for sure that this will protect his job, but its legal hardball since she seems to be blackmailing him. The affair was consensual, the blackmail is harassment.
NoIDidn't Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 And I should also include, don't talk to her at all. Only to the lawyer and have all communications with her via the lawyer. Anything he says to her will only be used against him. Plus he needs to be able to demonstrate that he is not the one initiating contact and not encouraging it. He needs to be present with the lawyer concerning HR.
NoIDidn't Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Oh, and you definitely should stop talking to her. Its really funny that she is doing all this complaining to you as if she is now your friend. She's delusional, if she actually thinks you want to hear this mess.
zilgurl Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I think you and your husband go to HR and tell all, from the affair to reconciling, to the harassing emails. On another thread, the OW had an affair with her boss. They agreed to no contact while he worked on the marriage, but she was devastated. In the interim, she meets a single guy and his wife throws him out of the house. He contacts the OW for some hand holding. She runs to HR first and complains of harrassment. He is forced to resign. I think whomever gets to HR first, wins. Go together. Let them speak to her. Hand over any additional emails that may arrive. Do not respond to any. Lastly, contact her husband and both of you tell him the truth. This should have already been done. I agree. Also you're H could write a formal complaint about OW to HR and say she is harrassing him. Dont know what your employment laws are re harrassment but most places in the world have some sort of harrassment policy. If she has a complaint on her records its black mark. In order for this to come out in the light then the light needs to be turned on.
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 What a mess.. I hope your WH has learned a lesson.. do not mix work and sex.. If I were you .. I would NOT go to HR.. that would put a bad 'mark' on his file.. they would have something against him .. who knows what the future holds for him? I very much doubt that she will make a hoola at work.. since she works for the same company.. Company don't want 'nut cases' working for them. She wants to talk to your husband face to face.. cause she wants to seduce him again.. simple as that... If I were you.. I would completely ignore her.. Very few are as crazy as her .. he just happened to fall on one..
Author itspersonal Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I agree she is a nut case and you are right she wants to seduce him again,,,Gosh I hate that he did this to us,,,,,,,uggghhhh I will stop ALL communication and hopefully he will not respond as that was what he wanted to do to begin with,,not respond,,I am the one who keeps responding,,FEAR like I can control if he fools me again....jeeezzzzzzzzzzzzz Thank you
Dexter Morgan Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Dexter, your posts crack me up,,,always empowering in some way! well its always fun to put a little humor in it. affairs are bad enough, might as well have a laugh about it all once in a while. His job is excellent ,,,no other affairs ever,,, he is being promoted to a very high level. She hasn't been fired because she hasn't ever reported it before why would she be fired? And your husband would be unwise to fire her. As if she wouldn't need a reason to file a harrassment suit since he is her superior, if he fired her, then all hell would break loose. although she has threatened and they too were her bosses. She is a real piece of work. She is harrassing him not the other way around and yes he has saved the emails I understand what you are saying, but in the workplace, a boss having sex with a subordinate opens the company up to a lawsuit, no matter who is harrassing who. it doesn't matter her demeanor after its all said and done. What matters is that they had an affair together. And even if it was consentual, she is a subordinate. Trust me, same thing happened at my place of employment. A boss had sex with a subordinate, he was asked to resign or be fired. it was all consentual...it didn't matter. The company attorney advised the board to ask for a resignation or terminate him. He is willing to leave but is having trouble finding a position and I have told him to wait until he finds a better position. I will not allow her to push my WH out of a job he loves and cause financial hardship on our family because she threatens us very understandable. however his choices led to this EXACTLY!!! and I don't deny that. He is 100 percent responsible for his part in this affair and I know this. If she reports then we live with that. She too will lose her job don't bet on it. when it comes to harrassment, if you fire the subordinate who claims harrassment, then they open themselves up once again for a lawsuit. She can sue the company if they fire her. Sucks I know, and it happens. The person that could have claimed harrassment at my company still works here, the man in question, the boss, lost his job over it. They knew if they fired her, she would have recourse. Crappy world isn't it? and so will 3 other VP's as he will not let her go unscathed. He said that in the handbook HR will have no choice but to fire them both so in that sense we are doing good but she is now trying to sound like a victim and afraid for herself because he may make her job tough so she may be preparing for a lawsuit. and unfortunately, she more than likely has the upper hand. I hate it when people like this can call the shots. harrassment policies at alot of companies are a load of crap. It doesn't matter who is in the right or wrong. The subordinate, innocent or not, conesntual or not, can pretty much call the shots unless they can prove she is mentally unstable, and THAT is going to be hard to do.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Lizzie is 100 percent right- she wants to see if she can see your husband and change his mind. Here's is my theory on closure- and I've said that many times before. There is no closure. Closure is code for "I want to see you again and see if I can change your mind" The fact that the person chooses not to be with you anymore should be closure enough. Period.
stillafool Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Hi, FWH and I are in R and "I" keep hearing from the ow. My husband is her boss and we decided that since she lives in different state and there is someone in between them for her to report to, he has no need to see her or go there and once a week there is a expense report for him to approve and that is that. However, she WANTS to talk to him and tell him how she feels and she is angry because he is ignoring her and has told her its over but she feels there wasn't enough closure. She wants to tell him how much she hates him for all the lies promises etc. However she was married with children also so I told her she is a liar too. She and I formed a strange bond during discovery, can't explain it but I have stopped communication however I do hear from her and she is really pissed and is threatening reporting to HR. My husband is the third man she has had affair with in the company so they both would lose their jobs. She keeps sending him emails saying call me and she tells me she just needs closure and it is between her and my husband not me,,,I told her there is no her and my husband but she doesn't get it. What do we do? Should he call her or continue to ignore her. She is really ugly about this and she thinks he is vested in her still but clearly he is not. I don't know how to advise my husband but he said he didn't know that contacting her would be helpful but i would be in the loop no matter what he decides 100percent. He said he has been avoiding her for 3 months but she threatened to tell me and to tell work so he strung her along in fear of losing me. She admits he pulled away over three months ago but not verbally. What should we do????????? I am so confused and my husband and I are a united front and she states she was a pon in our "GAME"?? and has made herself the victim, Any advice as to how to deal with these constant emails at my husbands work etc.? Should he talk to her,,,does he owe her amends and if he does will that change her behavior or ignite her again? I think she just wants a foot in the door again and so my husband continues to ignore her requests,.,,he says they were both at fault and he owes her nothing? Anyone???????????? Okay I haven't read this entire thread so I hope I'm not repeating what someone else has suggested. but;........what if you and your husband invited her over to get her closure. You would sit there while she asked your husband the questions she needs an answer to for closure. I see no reason why she should have alone time with him, do you? What do you think of this?
stillafool Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I I assume her husband knows about this affair?? If he doesn't you could toss that right back at her if she continues to talk about going to HR. OG, I just read further and see that the OW has a husband????? Okay then the 4 of you need to sit down so she can get her "closure". I would also mention to her H about her little threat to go to HR if she didn't get to sit down with your H for her "closure". My idea of closure is a door slammed in one's face, hopefully with their fingers still in it".
stillafool Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Dexter, your posts crack me up,,,always empowering in some way! His job is excellent ,,,no other affairs ever,,, he is being promoted to a very high level. She hasn't been fired because she hasn't ever reported it before, although she has threatened and they too were her bosses. She is a real piece of work. She is harrassing him not the other way around and yes he has saved the emails...he can't shake her. He is willing to leave but is having trouble finding a position and I have told him to wait until he finds a better position. I will not allow her to push my WH out of a job he loves and cause financial hardship on our family because she threatens us,,however his choices led to this and I don't deny that. He is 100 percent responsible for his part in this affair and I know this. If she reports then we live with that. She too will lose her job and so will 3 other VP's as he will not let her go unscathed. He said that in the handbook HR will have no choice but to fire them both so in that sense we are doing good but she is now trying to sound like a victim and afraid for herself because he may make her job tough so she may be preparing for a lawsuit. Who knows but I do know that he has done nothing and said nothing and I am the one she contacts the most and I am going to stop all contact because she is just using me to get to him. I am soooo done. I just don't know what I was thinking. thanks everyone,,,, Why would the 3 other VP's lose their jobs?
stillafool Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 One other thought. Who is this woman? Your H had an affair with her after know 3 other VP's did her? What is up with this woman? Or your h for that matter?
jwi71 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Your H needs to talk to a labor lawyer (employment specialist) and fast. As others have said, she goes to HR or over his head or files suit...your H's CAREER is over. No company would hire him at that level EVER again. Not in today's climate. Ethics are in and his behavior doesnt qualify. NOT a dig...just understand that the baggage of leaving with this taint makes it VERY difficult to find equivalent work. You are risking much by being passive about this. Talk to lawyer and now. Follow his.her advice. My instinct says HE needs to leave to protect his reputation and FUTURE.
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