MysticMom Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 This is going to be a long one…I’m sorry. I don’t even know if I’m putting this in the right category because we haven’t broke up…yet. I could just really use some advice and maybe some thoughts from people who might have gone through something similar. I'm not sure how to deal with my husbands depression. He is finally seeking help but I fear it may be to late for us. He works away and it used to be 5 days on/5 days off, so he would come home on his days off but he's been taking extra shifts and finding other reasons not to come home. I want to be there for him and help him deal with this. I'm on anti depressants myself, which I started taking when all of this started, and I've had post partum depression twice. I just don't know how to deal with his depression or how not to take it personally when he won't come home. We've been together for almost 14 years (in october) and we've been married for 4 years. We have 2 children together. Our oldest is almost 8 and really misses her father and I know he feels bad about not being here but it's getting so hard for me to work full time, raise 2 kids on my own and deal with my daughters crying at night. I have no family close to me to help me out and I'm just feeling overwhelmed and abandoned. I don't even have any family or friends I can discuss any of this with because my family is very judgemental and will just tell me to leave him and move back home. I have no close friends because I have always put my family/kids ahead of myself so I never go out with friends that invite me. I noticed back in March that something had changed and he wasn't acting like himself and let it go for a long time before discussing it with him. He left me for someone else several years ago, before our kids were born, but we obviously got past that so my first thought was that he wanted to leave me again and that he was only staying with me because of the kids. He said that wasn't the case and so I dropped it and assumed it was just me and my low self esteem being paranoid. The next time he came home he told me he wasn't sure if that was the case or not. That was near the end of June and since then he has come home for 1 day which was while I was at work so he got to see the kids but avoid talking to me and we went to visit him 2 weekends ago for his birthday but I didn't want to have the conversation with him in a motel room when we were visiting for his birthday. So in the last 2+ months I have seen him for 1 weekend and the kids got to see him for a day a few weeks ago. I love my husband. I love our family and I want to stand by him while he goes through this. He finally came home again the other day (only for 1 day again), but we had a chance to talk. one of the things discussed was that he loves me because I am the mother of his children and we have been best friends for the 13 years we've been together but he's been asking himself if he's still in love with me and he hasn't been able to answer that yet. Is this possible? I know people can 'fall out of love' but is it possible to just not know? He wants us to take things slow while he figures out what's going on with him and I agreed to that but after having some time to myself to think I've realized a few things. 1 - I think I'm an 'all or nothing' type of person, either you love me or you don't, either you want to be with me or you don't, we're either together or we're not. So I'm not sure how to take it slow. He said he was going to start coming home on his days off to make sure he spends time with the kids so I'm not sure how to act around him to take it slow. 2 - There is just too much strain on our relationship. Having one person gone alot is enough to put a strain on a marriage but when you add depression to that it makes it almost impossible to overcome. Most couples dealing with this would at least be around each other all the time and have more of a chance to work on the relationship while dealing with the depression 3 - After all we've been through and all the years we've been together and even after him leaving me one thing has never changed, I've never doubted my love for him only his love for me. So how am I supposed to expect to spend the rest of my life with someone if they don't even know if they still love me? Even if we overcome this, how am I supposed to not expect it to happen again? How can I not wonder if he's just staying so that I won't feel hurt anymore and not staying because he loves me? He also brought up the possibility of couples councilling but how can we commit to doing that when he is away so much?
quankanne Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 counselling is ALWAYS a good idea because it will give you the tools you need to address problems as they crop up. Marriage enrichment sessions are a goldmine, as well. The fact that HE brought it up is a promising sign, Mystic, because men often don't want to do stuff like that for fear of being blamed for problems in the marriage. he's been asking himself if he's still in love with me and he hasn't been able to answer that yet. Is this possible? I know people can 'fall out of love' but is it possible to just not know? He wants us to take things slow while he figures out what's going on with him again, take hope in what he's proposing. Because while it's a horrible feeling to imagine or hear someone's doubts about their feelings for you, you have got to figure in the fact that depression will make you say and think – and even do – things you normally wouldn't have done. Meaning, this person is not his or her normal self, but "acting under the influence" of screwed up blood chemistry. Personal example: About this time last year, my husband threatened to divorce me several times over stupid shxt like saying I was gonna donate some of our excess canned goods to the local food pantry and commenting favorably on Obama. Good heavens, you'd have thought I proposed to bludgeon his family with a baseball bat and serve them up at our next party! it finally came to a head, and it turned out that he had gotten off his anti-depressants and was stressing out over my dad, who came to live with us his final days. Once we figured out the missing link (the meds), it was like night and day after he got back on them. And he apologized for saying those hurtful things because he knew he couldn't take back something he didn't mean. take it slowly and look at it maybe as a courtship period where you two are learning about each other. I'm guessing that would go a long way towards helping him sort out his feelings (and realize that "in love with" does not necessarily make a marriage work!) – and help soothe your fears. hugs, q
Author MysticMom Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 Thanks Q, I really hope we can get past this. I really hope he follows through on the counselling. I have a question about depression..I've had post partum depression twice and I was on paxil and it eventually went away. I am on paxil again but it's mostly to help me cope with what's going on in my life ATM. Do you think regular depression can be treated with counselling alone or is meds inevitable? And if the only thing that will help is meds, is it something that will eventually go away or can he expect to be on meds forever for it? I'm just curious because he doesn"t seem to keen on going on meds. He's also worried that it could cause him to lose his job. He works for the military guarding the dockyard and always has a loaded weapon on him so my guess is one of the requirements for the job is good mental health.
hopesndreams Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 This is going to be a long one…I’m sorry. I don’t even know if I’m putting this in the right category because we haven’t broke up…yet. I could just really use some advice and maybe some thoughts from people who might have gone through something similar. I'm not sure how to deal with my husbands depression. He is finally seeking help but I fear it may be to late for us. He works away and it used to be 5 days on/5 days off, so he would come home on his days off but he's been taking extra shifts and finding other reasons not to come home. I want to be there for him and help him deal with this. I'm on anti depressants myself, which I started taking when all of this started, and I've had post partum depression twice. What do you think he is doing when he is not doing the extra shifts? I just don't know how to deal with his depression or how not to take it personally when he won't come home. We've been together for almost 14 years (in october) and we've been married for 4 years. We have 2 children together. Our oldest is almost 8 and really misses her father and I know he feels bad about not being here but it's getting so hard for me to work full time, raise 2 kids on my own and deal with my daughters crying at night. I have no family close to me to help me out and I'm just feeling overwhelmed and abandoned. I don't even have any family or friends I can discuss any of this with because my family is very judgemental and will just tell me to leave him and move back home. I have no close friends because I have always put my family/kids ahead of myself so I never go out with friends that invite me. I noticed back in March that something had changed and he wasn't acting like himself and let it go for a long time before discussing it with him. He left me for someone else several years ago, before our kids were born, but we obviously got past that so my first thought was that he wanted to leave me again and that he was only staying with me because of the kids. He said that wasn't the case and so I dropped it and assumed it was just me and my low self esteem being paranoid. The next time he came home he told me he wasn't sure if that was the case or not. That was near the end of June and since then he has come home for 1 day which was while I was at work so he got to see the kids but avoid talking to me and we went to visit him 2 weekends ago for his birthday but I didn't want to have the conversation with him in a motel room when we were visiting for his birthday. So in the last 2+ months I have seen him for 1 weekend and the kids got to see him for a day a few weeks ago. What took place after he cheated several years ago? I love my husband. I love our family and I want to stand by him while he goes through this. He finally came home again the other day (only for 1 day again), but we had a chance to talk. one of the things discussed was that he loves me because I am the mother of his children and we have been best friends for the 13 years we've been together but he's been asking himself if he's still in love with me and he hasn't been able to answer that yet. Is this possible? I know people can 'fall out of love' but is it possible to just not know? He wants us to take things slow while he figures out what's going on with him and I agreed to that but after having some time to myself to think I've realized a few things. 1 - I think I'm an 'all or nothing' type of person, either you love me or you don't, either you want to be with me or you don't, we're either together or we're not. So I'm not sure how to take it slow. He said he was going to start coming home on his days off to make sure he spends time with the kids so I'm not sure how to act around him to take it slow. 2 - There is just too much strain on our relationship. Having one person gone alot is enough to put a strain on a marriage but when you add depression to that it makes it almost impossible to overcome. Most couples dealing with this would at least be around each other all the time and have more of a chance to work on the relationship while dealing with the depression 3 - After all we've been through and all the years we've been together and even after him leaving me one thing has never changed, I've never doubted my love for him only his love for me. So how am I supposed to expect to spend the rest of my life with someone if they don't even know if they still love me? Even if we overcome this, how am I supposed to not expect it to happen again? How can I not wonder if he's just staying so that I won't feel hurt anymore and not staying because he loves me? He has told you he may not love you anymore and needs time to figure out if he still loves you or not. Depression or not, this is very telling that he has his sights on another. He may not have it up and running yet but if/when he does, that is when you will get your answer. As for him staying with you, it seems to me as though he has already left. He also brought up the possibility of couples councilling but how can we commit to doing that when he is away so much? Say yes to MC and get to the bottom of why he is acting the way he is. You need to know if this is the depression or another woman. You can't save your M without all the facts. You have to KNOW what you are up against.
Author MysticMom Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 Thanks Hopes, I have wondered myself if there is someone else but I've already asked him and he has said no (not that he would tell the truth if there was) but I'm afraid to broach the subject again for fear of pushing him away even more if it's not the case. When we broke up before, it was before we were married and before we had kids so I moved back to where my family is. We kept in touch even though he was in a relationship with someone else and even though it hurt me to talk to him and know that he was with her. Eventually we decided to try again but my 1 stipulation was that I wasn't going to move back to where he was so he moved and we moved right back in together. We had been together for 4 years when it happened and we were apart for 6 months. Things were very hard for a while after we got back together because I still had feelings of resentment and fear that it would happen again. After our daughter was born things were still rough and we almost split up again and then he did a complete 180 when she was about 9 months old. He started staying home with us all the time and spending time with us and he was just a completely different person and I was so happy. Things were great for another few years we even decided to get married and a couple years later decided to have another baby (he'll be 2 in october). We bought a new house in October of last year and things have been so good until March when he started pulling away. I think if it was another woman he would have figured out by now whether it's her or me he wants but I don't know. I looked up marriage counsellers in our area and there is only one that I could find (we live in a small town). I emailed him the info and asked him if he wants to try it as she also specializes in anxiety and depression and he hasn't answered me yet so right now I'm just hoping he doesn't bail on the counselling idea.
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