BlueHarvest Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 It really doesn't make any sense. I went on a date last night. I even labeled as a date. I asked her "Hey wanna go out on a date Thursday night and listen to some reggae?" We had to alter our plans but essentially we ended up having a good time out. We ended up back at her place doing some stuff (not sexual, I'd just rather not say). Listning to some music and just chilling. Ended up saying "Well should we let the night continue in this direction or am I making you uncomfortable" (because at the moment I was massaging her. She ended up turning around and asking me what I meant and blah blah (you know the deal). Turns out, she said "If I didn't work with you I would love to have a fun time, but I just don't want this turning out wierd at work." Essentially If I didn't work with her, we could be F**k buddies. But that's besides the point, I STATED it was a date the previous day. Now she doesn't want ANYTHING serious she says. That's fine, I'm cool with that with this girl. My biggest issue is this is now TWO girls in a row I've dated that don't want anything serious. I'm beginning to think that this is a trend, not because of the girls, but because of how they view me. It makes me feel like my personality type isn't becoming of dateable material. It makes me feel that possibly I'm not as desirable by these girls. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm cute by some girls standards...but this situation really makes me question myself. It really makes me question it when they say things along the lines of "Yea I know we can be a little more then friends, but I don't want you getting angry or jealous if I start dating some guy and you think 'Oh I thought she didn't want to date anyone'" It's that that really gets me, cause for what it's worth, she's right. Why do girls want to hang out with me, be friends, possibly F**k buddies. But not want to actually DATE me? Why have the last two girls I've hung out with both said this? Both of them even have gone so far as to eerily almost say the exact same thing regarding the whole "don't be angry IF i start dating someone else". Comments? Thoughts? Could use some insight here. I've been doing ALOT better on getting out, being sociable, and dating. But for the love of god I'm getting sick and tired of the "I don't want anything serious" answer.
vox Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 It really doesn't make any sense. I went on a date last night. I even labeled as a date. I asked her "Hey wanna go out on a date Thursday night and listen to some reggae?" We had to alter our plans but essentially we ended up having a good time out. We ended up back at her place doing some stuff (not sexual, I'd just rather not say). Listning to some music and just chilling. Ended up saying "Well should we let the night continue in this direction or am I making you uncomfortable" (because at the moment I was massaging her. She ended up turning around and asking me what I meant and blah blah (you know the deal). Turns out, she said "If I didn't work with you I would love to have a fun time, but I just don't want this turning out wierd at work." Essentially If I didn't work with her, we could be F**k buddies. But that's besides the point, I STATED it was a date the previous day. Now she doesn't want ANYTHING serious she says. That's fine, I'm cool with that with this girl. My biggest issue is this is now TWO girls in a row I've dated that don't want anything serious. I'm beginning to think that this is a trend, not because of the girls, but because of how they view me. It makes me feel like my personality type isn't becoming of dateable material. It makes me feel that possibly I'm not as desirable by these girls. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm cute by some girls standards...but this situation really makes me question myself. It really makes me question it when they say things along the lines of "Yea I know we can be a little more then friends, but I don't want you getting angry or jealous if I start dating some guy and you think 'Oh I thought she didn't want to date anyone'" It's that that really gets me, cause for what it's worth, she's right. Why do girls want to hang out with me, be friends, possibly F**k buddies. But not want to actually DATE me? Why have the last two girls I've hung out with both said this? Both of them even have gone so far as to eerily almost say the exact same thing regarding the whole "don't be angry IF i start dating someone else". Comments? Thoughts? Could use some insight here. I've been doing ALOT better on getting out, being sociable, and dating. But for the love of god I'm getting sick and tired of the "I don't want anything serious" answer. I'd say thank your lucky stars, and enjoy it. But that's just me.
carhill Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 The last one is easy. Don't date where you work. Other than that, do what *you* want. Once a woman takes charge, you're done
Rudderless Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Firstly two's not really a trend, but I digress, I think I know where you're coming from. The thing I pick up from your post is that you come across as very serious. Now I don't know you but this is just the impression I get from what you post. I think perhaps you're getting a clear message off these women that you're too much to handle and to lighten up. I could be wrong, but that's my input.
Author BlueHarvest Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 Firstly two's not really a trend, but I digress, I think I know where you're coming from. The thing I pick up from your post is that you come across as very serious. Now I don't know you but this is just the impression I get from what you post. I think perhaps you're getting a clear message off these women that you're too much to handle and to lighten up. I could be wrong, but that's my input. I didn't always used to be so serious, but within the last two years I've become alot more serious about dating. I guess I'm just tired of frivolous relationships and petty dating scenes where you go on a date twice, the person comes up with excuses and never calls you back. I'm too much to handle and to lighten up? Can you go further into detail? @Carhill: Yea don't date where you work...I know. What do you mean I'm done once a women takes charge though? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
carhill Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Once you let a woman decide what you want and how the dynamic for you is going to go, you're done, meaning at her mercy. It's imperative to stay in control of what you want and pursue it, regardless of her perspective. Bending comes later, once there is synergy and commitment.
BCCA Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Think about trying to catch a wild bird. What would you think about a bird who just flew into the cage? Something is wrong with it or its just dumb, right? Its the same thing. Youre immediately commiting yourself to being serious with them instead of enjoying the moment and seeing where it takes you. YOU should be deciding how you feel, and wether this girl is worthy of dating you seriously. You shouldnt be throwing yourself at her mercy, like Carhill said.
Author BlueHarvest Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 Once you let a woman decide what you want and how the dynamic for you is going to go, you're done, meaning at her mercy. It's imperative to stay in control of what you want and pursue it, regardless of her perspective. Bending comes later, once there is synergy and commitment. While I understand exactly what you and BCCA are saying, let me get this straight... Essentially you are saying that if she says she only wants to be friends, but I want to potentially date her, I need to continue to pursue the avenue of dating her? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, cause it feels like while there *might* be a *slight* chance of changing her mind, it would be a waste of time the other 99% of the time.
Cora Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Well good luck to you and may you find the right one someday!!!
carhill Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Date her or don't date her; your choice. If you choose to date her, your only contact will be on that path. No other contact type. If she doesn't wish to date you, no contact with her.
BCCA Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Essentially you are saying that if she says she only wants to be friends, but I want to potentially date her, I need to continue to pursue the avenue of dating her? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, cause it feels like while there *might* be a *slight* chance of changing her mind, it would be a waste of time the other 99% of the time. No, no, no... What we are saying is why are you so sure you want to date her seriously when you havent even gotten to know her yet. Youre basically saying to her 'I'll take whatever youre offering' without even knowing what it is. What if it turns out you two have conflicting views on a lot of things, and just arent compatible? You should be feeling her out and seeing if you two get along. You are essentially just saying 'yes, im in' right off the bat, which makes women leery, and gives the impression of low self esteem/worth. See what I mean?
Soul Bear Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Don't eat where you sh*it. Essentially, just don't date people you work with. I did that once, and at the end of all the awkward mess of dating her a few times, she decided to quit the job. As for meeting lady's who never want anything serious, maybe next time you could just say that to yourself in your head, instead of her. Maybe your open willingness scares them off? 'The chase is over to soon' so to speak. I'm just speculating, but there may be some truth in it. Seeing as you were giving her a massage and she didn't tell you to go or to stop, you could have played hard to get and left her flustered and said what a great night you had but you have to go now, sort of thing. OR you could have started kissing her neck and running your hands slowly over her body...which ultimately could have gone where you wanted.... Not many people mutually feel when they meet, that they are looking for something serious and most of the time even the longest of relationships starts out as 'special friends'... My ex fiance of 5 years and I met like that. If she feels you getting to emotionally attached to soon, she might back away. Really hope it all works out for you SB
Isolde Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 and most of the time even the longest of relationships starts out as 'special friends'... Okay, this is not true.
Soul Bear Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Okay, this is not true. your right. I meant sometimes.
zhsoj Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Commitment phobes are generally portrayed as men... In my experience that's not the case...
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 It sounds to me like it's the type of women you choose. Describe your "type," BH.
Author BlueHarvest Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 As for meeting lady's who never want anything serious, maybe next time you could just say that to yourself in your head, instead of her. I think you misconstrued something, I never told her this statement. I told *you folks here* but I never said to her anything about being serious. Seeing as you were giving her a massage and she didn't tell you to go or to stop, you could have played hard to get and left her flustered and said what a great night you had but you have to go now, sort of thing. OR you could have started kissing her neck and running your hands slowly over her body...which ultimately could have gone where you wanted.... Who said I wasn't? I said things went somewhere...I guess I'll come out and say it. We ended up making out later that same night, but at the same time she said because we work together she doesn't know if this will work out. She explicitly said many times she likes to keep work and home completely seperate, and that while she liked hanging out with me, she wasn't sure if she would be able to do anything...possibly not even be friends. Regardless, I don't know if I mentioned this or not yet, but she has said multiple times she plans on moving to NY in a year. So, I wasn't really thinking of anything long term serious with her anyways. Woulda been nice to have been in a casual relationship though. (And yes, very ironic I say this considering my last girl I dated and all the posts regarding that one...) Not many people mutually feel when they meet, that they are looking for something serious and most of the time even the longest of relationships starts out as 'special friends'... My ex fiance of 5 years and I met like that. If she feels you getting to emotionally attached to soon, she might back away. Really hope it all works out for you SB Thanks, and I agree for the most part. I never looked at it that way, but your right. I'm diving in too fast. I get enamoured and tend to fall fast for girls. Something I've been trying to ....control. It sounds to me like it's the type of women you choose. Describe your "type," BH. Well I'm not quite sure what exactly the type of girl I choose to date is. I date a variety of them I guess. Last girl was highly religious, into Disney movies, didn't like confrontational situations, didn't like "angsty" movies or "angry emotions". Tended to be very "PC" in her choice of words and situations. This one lived with her parents and had no job. This girl is very open, is into all sorts of movies except horror, speaks her mind, watches controversial movies. Doesn't mind the full spectrum of emotions, and is generally less up-tight then the last girl. This one has her own condo. Before the both of them, the last girl I dated was a heavy pot-user, into speed metal, and still lived with her parents, but had a job. I guess my biggest turn-off from girls are one's who aren't open to a few changes, one's who are too reserved in what they say, I understand the need on occasion to be political correct, but there comes a time when being TOO PC can be annoying. I realize my view is probably a little jaded/biased due to a "past--present" kind of thing but at the same time I find out more about what I'm looking for in a girl. I know this seems rather shallow, but this girl is kind of cute---not as cute as the last girl I dated, but I feel more attracted to her then the last one due to the level of conversations I've had. They've actually been intelligent.
espec10001 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 It really doesn't make any sense. I went on a date last night. I even labeled as a date. I asked her "Hey wanna go out on a date Thursday night and listen to some reggae?" We had to alter our plans but essentially we ended up having a good time out. We ended up back at her place doing some stuff (not sexual, I'd just rather not say). Listning to some music and just chilling. Ended up saying "Well should we let the night continue in this direction or am I making you uncomfortable" (because at the moment I was massaging her. She ended up turning around and asking me what I meant and blah blah (you know the deal). Turns out, she said "If I didn't work with you I would love to have a fun time, but I just don't want this turning out wierd at work." Essentially If I didn't work with her, we could be F**k buddies. But that's besides the point, I STATED it was a date the previous day. Now she doesn't want ANYTHING serious she says. That's fine, I'm cool with that with this girl. My biggest issue is this is now TWO girls in a row I've dated that don't want anything serious. I'm beginning to think that this is a trend, not because of the girls, but because of how they view me. It makes me feel like my personality type isn't becoming of dateable material. It makes me feel that possibly I'm not as desirable by these girls. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm cute by some girls standards...but this situation really makes me question myself. It really makes me question it when they say things along the lines of "Yea I know we can be a little more then friends, but I don't want you getting angry or jealous if I start dating some guy and you think 'Oh I thought she didn't want to date anyone'" It's that that really gets me, cause for what it's worth, she's right. Why do girls want to hang out with me, be friends, possibly F**k buddies. But not want to actually DATE me? Why have the last two girls I've hung out with both said this? Both of them even have gone so far as to eerily almost say the exact same thing regarding the whole "don't be angry IF i start dating someone else". Comments? Thoughts? Could use some insight here. I've been doing ALOT better on getting out, being sociable, and dating. But for the love of god I'm getting sick and tired of the "I don't want anything serious" answer. Here is what you do man: you be yourself and don't depend on validation from chicks to be who you are. You validate yourself and be and say what you want to. Be true to yourself and f*** everyone else
samspade Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 It really doesn't make any sense. I went on a date last night. I even labeled as a date. I asked her "Hey wanna go out on a date Thursday night and listen to some reggae?" We had to alter our plans but essentially we ended up having a good time out. We ended up back at her place doing some stuff (not sexual, I'd just rather not say). Listning to some music and just chilling. Ended up saying "Well should we let the night continue in this direction or am I making you uncomfortable" (because at the moment I was massaging her. She ended up turning around and asking me what I meant and blah blah (you know the deal). Turns out, she said "If I didn't work with you I would love to have a fun time, but I just don't want this turning out wierd at work." Essentially If I didn't work with her, we could be F**k buddies. But that's besides the point, I STATED it was a date the previous day. Now she doesn't want ANYTHING serious she says. That's fine, I'm cool with that with this girl. My biggest issue is this is now TWO girls in a row I've dated that don't want anything serious. I'm beginning to think that this is a trend, not because of the girls, but because of how they view me. It makes me feel like my personality type isn't becoming of dateable material. It makes me feel that possibly I'm not as desirable by these girls. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm cute by some girls standards...but this situation really makes me question myself. It really makes me question it when they say things along the lines of "Yea I know we can be a little more then friends, but I don't want you getting angry or jealous if I start dating some guy and you think 'Oh I thought she didn't want to date anyone'" It's that that really gets me, cause for what it's worth, she's right. Why do girls want to hang out with me, be friends, possibly F**k buddies. But not want to actually DATE me? Why have the last two girls I've hung out with both said this? Both of them even have gone so far as to eerily almost say the exact same thing regarding the whole "don't be angry IF i start dating someone else". Comments? Thoughts? Could use some insight here. I've been doing ALOT better on getting out, being sociable, and dating. But for the love of god I'm getting sick and tired of the "I don't want anything serious" answer. "I don't want anything serious" = "I don't want anything serious WITH YOU." You need to change your game. Asking her "is this making you uncomfortable?" shows a serious lack of confidence. You gave her a wide opening to reject you. You should have escalated intimacy. Worry about serious dating later - after you've slept with her. My advice is don't date/sleep with people from work.
Author BlueHarvest Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 "I don't want anything serious" = "I don't want anything serious WITH YOU." You need to change your game. Asking her "is this making you uncomfortable?" shows a serious lack of confidence. You gave her a wide opening to reject you. You should have escalated intimacy. Worry about serious dating later - after you've slept with her. My advice is don't date/sleep with people from work. Sam, I know you probably just skimmed over it, but post #17 has more details into what I did that night. I did escalate. Granted I shouldn't have asked anything about making her uncomfortable, but I thought she would relax while I was giving the message, and instead she kept looking sideways at me with this wierd look...I panicked and went the route of saftey. Granted it didn't completely backfire on me (as stated in post #17) but it didn't become a brilliant display of fireworks (interpret this as you will ) either. And the "WITH YOU" comment is exactly what my OP is about. Why do I get that statement from girls often? I'm likeable, friendly, ****able, but not dateable? Do you see why I'm confused here?
samspade Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Ah, my bad. Here is what I can tell you...the best thing for you to do, when a woman says this: she said because we work together she doesn't know if this will work out. She explicitly said many times she likes to keep work and home completely seperate, and that while she liked hanging out with me, she wasn't sure if she would be able to do anything...possibly not even be friends. - is to agree and amplify. By this I mean you say, "you're right - I don't know what I'm doing here. I gotta go." And you get up and leave (or if it's at your place, you politely dismiss her). If she texts or calls, don't answer. Any time a woman rejects you, the best thing to do is agree with her. It shows you couldn't care less (meaning you have other options). At best it might re-ignite her interest; at worst, you will save face by not appearing sad or pissed off. In fact, my advice is for you to preemptively employ this line BEFORE she does. That is, if it's a girl from work, and you are making out with her, push her away, and say, "We can't do this. We work together." She may say "you're right," and come after you or pull back. If she pulls back, it's fine, and you can grab her and kiss her some more (unless she is clearly resisting). The more patient and reluctant YOU are, the more desperate she will be. In fact, after you sleep with her, tell her the next day or so "we can't do this anymore." Chances are, nothing will keep her from riding your c*ck again. The less you care, the more they will care.
Cowboy2theCore Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 It really doesn't make any sense. I went on a date last night. I even labeled as a date. I asked her "Hey wanna go out on a date Thursday night and listen to some reggae?" We had to alter our plans but essentially we ended up having a good time out. We ended up back at her place doing some stuff (not sexual, I'd just rather not say). Listning to some music and just chilling. Ended up saying "Well should we let the night continue in this direction or am I making you uncomfortable" (because at the moment I was massaging her. She ended up turning around and asking me what I meant and blah blah (you know the deal). Turns out, she said "If I didn't work with you I would love to have a fun time, but I just don't want this turning out wierd at work." Essentially If I didn't work with her, we could be F**k buddies. But that's besides the point, I STATED it was a date the previous day. Now she doesn't want ANYTHING serious she says. That's fine, I'm cool with that with this girl. My biggest issue is this is now TWO girls in a row I've dated that don't want anything serious. I'm beginning to think that this is a trend, not because of the girls, but because of how they view me. It makes me feel like my personality type isn't becoming of dateable material. It makes me feel that possibly I'm not as desirable by these girls. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm cute by some girls standards...but this situation really makes me question myself. It really makes me question it when they say things along the lines of "Yea I know we can be a little more then friends, but I don't want you getting angry or jealous if I start dating some guy and you think 'Oh I thought she didn't want to date anyone'" It's that that really gets me, cause for what it's worth, she's right. Why do girls want to hang out with me, be friends, possibly F**k buddies. But not want to actually DATE me? Why have the last two girls I've hung out with both said this? Both of them even have gone so far as to eerily almost say the exact same thing regarding the whole "don't be angry IF i start dating someone else". Comments? Thoughts? Could use some insight here. I've been doing ALOT better on getting out, being sociable, and dating. But for the love of god I'm getting sick and tired of the "I don't want anything serious" answer. Well man I kinda know what you mean.. I have a problem of girls not wanting to be in a relationship or they just stop talking to me after a while. But I have read and read a lot on this and well I know a little bit more. You seem like you play the nice guy type. Nice guys still can get into womens paints. Lord know's I have. But it is hard for us nice guys to get into a relationship. One thing that could help you out is try to be mysterious. Women like a guy that they have to try to figure out. Make sure that you make time for yourself. If you meet a girl and she doesn't want to date you or move into a relationship then stop talking to her all together and wait to see when she calls you. Chances are she will in a couple of days. If she calls you then just play it cool. Show that you don't care about getting into a relationship some how. (Maybe by talking for a couple of mins and saying you got to go. don't talk about dating or other friends boyfriends/girlfriends.... just keep it simple) Before you let her go surprise her. Tell her that you have to go and that it was nice talking to her. She will say "you too and bye". Then say something funny as hell or you could just call her gorgeous. Then make sure you hang up. Whatever you say make sure it sticks on her mind. That way she will be thinking about you. I would act like you don't care to be with her for a while and get her wondering and curious. I don't know if any of this will work for you, but I hope it does.
Author BlueHarvest Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 <Teenage Drivel snipped> This isn't an "act" or a "game", despite what may work for you, or what you think I'm doing. Yes I am a nice guy but I don't do it just get laid. Otherwise I wouldn't be complaining about how she didn't want a relationship. Grow up and stop trying to just get laid. Getting laid gets old real fast. It's the companionship that accompanies a physical relationship that satisfies in the end.
Rudderless Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I didn't always used to be so serious, but within the last two years I've become alot more serious about dating. I guess I'm just tired of frivolous relationships and petty dating scenes where you go on a date twice, the person comes up with excuses and never calls you back. I'm too much to handle and to lighten up? Can you go further into detail? I think what BCCA wrote was quite appropriate What we are saying is why are you so sure you want to date her seriously when you havent even gotten to know her yet. It's ok to be serious about dating, but you still have to have a bit of fun initially
Author BlueHarvest Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks for the advice so far everyone. Still not sure what to do, but I do know I just need to try and relax and have more fun in the early stages of relationships and stop worrying about where they lead. It feels like the whole "seriousness" part of the relationship is hard-wired into my actions, mannerisms, and speech patterns though.
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