insecurity after watching porn

[Raphownsyou]

Hey guys,

 

So, i have been dating this guy for a while now, well actually we recently decided to take a break but still care deeply for one another,

 

And that's where the issue lies actually, i can't get myself to believe he actually cares about me, i just associate me not being there with him wanting sex from someone else and then i start thinking well he will just sleep with someone, i dont fear he will meet anyone, i just fear he will have sex with someone else.

 

I asked for this space from our relationship because i started to doubt why i loved him, and i want to challenge myself to get my life back so i can reevaluate WHY i was really with him, and if it is true love, then life will bring us back together.

 

And this ties in with the title,

 

I had been friends with him for ages before we dated, so i know other guys he has liked in his past, and they didnt look like me, so when i see guys walking down the street i would just think, is that who he would like? Would he go for a guy like that?

 

And i used to use his laptop and found porn on there, the guys were all beefy and different from what i look like, so it got me thinking that maybe he doesnt find me attractive..

 

I am not a bad looking guy, to be honest i am a handsome guy

 

But something in me is keeping from feeling like i appeal to him completely now that i have seen his porn and know the different guys he has dated, all of which look different

 

And then i think, well i have dated different guys, who look different and such, so what is wrong with me!

 

Why am i thinking this?

 

Even when i look at porn, if i see a guy who looks like the guys he looks at i feel guilty, and a thought in my head starts asking me "would joe like this guy?"

 

I know a lot about his sexual past, and i cant seem to look past it, does anyone have advice?

 

Essentially i want to not worry about his past, and who he is sleeping with, and he tells me he loves me and cares for me, even wants to meet in Paris while he away for a month (in a weeks time he is going away to Europe), so i want to just believe him, so i can let go of his past and let go of him to see if it all works out when i realize WHY i am really with him you know?

 

So i am lost in this thought, i just want to feel secure, and understand perhaps why i feel this way?

 

Can anyone who has experienced this or has advice for these negative thoughts help?

 

I really appreciate it,

 

Thank you so much.

 

[EarthGirl]

I would not jump to conclusions about the porn thing...It's true many of us have "types" that we go for again and again in our love interests, but as far as the porn goes, I would not automatically assume you are not his ideal (not to get your hopes up, you might not be)...Personally I do not watch porn very often ,I have only tried it out a few times (not judging anyone who watches more often), but I mean from what I've seen it's quite common for the guys in it to be kinda beefy...sometimes they are really muscly, other times just kinda bigger guys with some muscle, but even a little chubby...I mean with porn they generally choose people who are somewhat attractive, which seems natural, but they do not always have quite movie star good looks, either the guys or girls. Sometimes they do, but either way, often the women tend to have big (fake) boobs, and be bleached blonde, and the men fairly beefcakey with big penises...but I honestly think that has more to do with the kind of culture of porn and how it evolved, than it has to do with what is truly "sexy" to most people...even in a completely shallow, animal lust way.

 

 

From the times I have looked up porn on the computer, I noticed that you can choose from a few basic types: hetero, gay guys (which I assume is what you and your guy were watching since I gather that you are both guys), lesbians, blow jobs...sometimes they have teenagers, it may be listed with catch phrases like "jailbait" or whatever..which I think is just a little disturbing, but whatever.

 

But I've never noticed where you can just click or search for skinnier, less muscular guys or chubbier, softer guys (except for the fetishes and stuff, but that's different) as opposed to beefcake guys...so what I'm saying basically is that when people watch porn they don't necessarily watch it because it has people in it that they would normally find attractive or want to get it on with themselves in reality. I am new at this, but I THINK most people watch it for the situations and frankly the down and dirty stuff, and it doesn't matter all that much the looks or type of person in it, besides being somewhat attractive and their preference of gender and sexual activity.

 

So being as there are probably a lot more beefcakes that do porn than slimmer guys, it's just logical he would watch such things. But I will tell you that being a hetero woman, I am totally into the slimmer guys, I find that totally sexy, nor would I be upset about a little flab, up to a point..and I like a guy who is somewhat strong and can protect me, but I really really do not like the beefcake look, never have, and I am sure there are plenty of gay guys that feel the same way I do. I don't know if your guys is one of them, but I hope for your sake that he is.

 

Besides, looking at porn I think is a lot different than having a hot steamy romantic session with someone you truly have feelings for. Does that make sense?

 

As for as the general relationship goes, I have no advice except to keep your heart open to the possibilities of life and love and let your angels protect you and guide you.

[Enema]

I think the only thing that might drive him to have sex with other guys is the needless drama you're bringing to the relationship.

 

The insecurity and "need for space to work out what I really want" bull5hit is such a very big turn off.

 

Men like variety, it's a biological drive.

 

When I'm dating an asian, I usually look at porn of white women.

When I'm dating a chick with big tits, I usually look at porn of women with tiny tits.

etc,

 

The porn he uses is no reflection on what he really wants or an indication that he's going to have sex with someone else. It's just a mindless, innocent way of getting variety.

[Els]

Men like variety, it's a biological drive.

 

 

I think the poster you're talking to is a man himself. =/

[Enema]

I think the poster you're talking to is a man himself. =/

 

heheh, I'm aware.

 

Sometimes we need a mirror held up.