PDPullmn612 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Hey guys, Ok so I've been with my girl friend about 8 months now. My problem is that as of the past few months I feel that any part of our sex life is almost completely gone. This past summer from about beginning of June until now, we have had sex maybe 4 or 5 times tops. Now, sex isn't everything to me. But, I guess you could say I have a high sex drive. I'm not looking for sex every night, but more the 4 times in a summer would have been nice. I have talked to her about it in the past, but she just ends up getting frustrated with me and says I'm getting upset over nothing. Well, last night we were talking and she told me that when we do have sex I don't make it feel that good to her! Now while this kind of hurt a little, I just took it as it was and said ok. She says she wants to be with me, but I'm getting pretty damn frustrated as of now. I'm just looking for some advice on how to maybe resolve this issue. Like I said, sex isn't everything to me. I'm very attracted to her and I love spending time with her, especially when things are going smoothly. Any advice on how to fix this situation? I keep letting it go hoping it would get better, but as of now my hopes of that have diminished. Thanks in advance guys. Dave
Thaddeus Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Oh, the number of "I'm in a sexless relationship!" threads on this site boggles the mind. So, to distill it all down to two basic points: You need to know exactly why she's become sexually withdrawn. Is it something you're doing? Something you're not doing? You're going to have to get to the bottom of that, and she's going to have to be very specific. You're not expected to read her mind. She needs to know how it feels to you when she rejects you. Just as you're not expected to read her mind, she isn't expected to read yours. You're going to have to communicate to her, in a way that she understands, just how much it hurts when she continually turns you down. The common thread? Communicate! If you don't nip this in the bud now, I can promise you that it will get worse. By the way, don't allow the conversation to collapse into accusations such as, "You're selfish!" and "It's not that big a deal" sort of thing. Having sexual needs is not selfish, and sex is a big deal in a relationship. No sex = no relationship. Otherwise, you may as well just be room mates. And I don't think that's what you signed up for.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 Thanks Thaddeus, I've tried talking to her many times, not even just about this, but about other things as well. And well, she doesn't really like to express how she feels which is frustrating to me cause I'm the kind of person where if I'm having a problem I will let the person know. Everytime I try to talk to her about it, it takes over an hour cause I have to try and get her to tell me what she is thinking. I know she has stuff to say, I can just tell by the way she looks and acts, but for some reason she mostly refuses to do so. I've tried having conversations with her regarding stuff in our relationship, but I feel she is afraid to say what she wants/needs to say.
Chocolat Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Well, last night we were talking and she told me that when we do have sex I don't make it feel that good to her! Now while this kind of hurt a little, I just took it as it was and said ok. She says she wants to be with me, but I'm getting pretty damn frustrated as of now. Imagine how she feels. You need to fix this. Your gf is not going to want more sex when it does not feel good for her!
Thaddeus Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 So not only is she refusing sex, she's refusing to communicate. This is bad news all the way around. Sorry to say, my friend, but she's starting to check out of the relationship. *Edit to add* As for this:You need to fix this. Your gf is not going to want more sex when it does not feel good for her! It's not his responsibility to fix her issue. She has to take responsibility for her own sexuality. And the only way she's going to be able to do that is to communicate with her man.
Chocolat Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 So not only is she refusing sex, she's refusing to communicate. This is bad news all the way around. Sorry to say, my friend, but she's starting to check out of the relationship. But she did communicate. She told him that he is not giving her pleasure sexually. And he said, "ok."
Chocolat Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 As for this: It's not his responsibility to fix her issue. She has to take responsibility for her own sexuality. And the only way she's going to be able to do that is to communicate with her man. Well, yes, ideally she would sit him down and tell him what she needs. And ideally he would be an incredible lover who wouldn't need any coaching. But "ideally" rarely happens, especially with young couples (which is my guess for these two). She's already taken a major step in tellng him that he doesn't make it feel good for her. I think he needs to find out -- perhaps with actions rather than words -- what will make sex enjoyable for her.
Thaddeus Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 But she did communicate. She told him that he is not giving her pleasure sexually. And he said, "ok."No, she didn't. Read his post:Everytime I try to talk to her about it, it takes over an hour cause I have to try and get her to tell me what she is thinking. I know she has stuff to say, I can just tell by the way she looks and acts, but for some reason she mostly refuses to do so. I've tried having conversations with her regarding stuff in our relationship, but I feel she is afraid to say what she wants/needs to say.She's not communicating at all. He can't fix what's wrong if she isn't specific about what it is. Just saying, "I don't feel like it" or "It's not working for me" and other vague generalities isn't communicating at all. I still feel that she's starting to check out. And once that process is started, it's almost impossible to put that toothpaste back in the tube.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 hey guys, thanks for the responses. Thaddeus says she is starting to check out. However, when we talk she asks if I want to be with her and of course I say yes, and she then tells me that she wants to be with me. And in the past she told me when it comes to that kind of stuff she would not waste time and she would just say something. As for communicating, if she told me what she wanted sexually, i'd do everything I could to help her out. But, she isn't very open about what she likes in bed. I've figured stuff out along the way, but she has rarely told me, "do this cause it feels good." I would love for her to do that, not only would it be helpful, but it would also be a turn on to be honest. Well we only talked about it last night again, so I guess I will give it some time and see if things change. It's only been about 9 hours since we talked lol.
Author PDPullmn612 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 Any other suggestions guys? Thanks!
vox Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Any other suggestions guys? Thanks! She could have been having sex higher than her own libido level in the beginning because of the newness of things, and now she's returning to normal levels. Coupled with the fact that maybe it's not you having sex with her that doesn't feel good, but sex in general. Maybe she just had sex enough to hook you, and now she's asking you "Do you want to be with me?" (even though I'm not humping you) so she knows she doesn't have to put out to keep you there.
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