BW007 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have much to add to all the thoughts and emotions I have expressed about my breakup. I am at a stage where I would love to bargain with the universe or make a deal with god and have it actually work, but it rings hollow, and then anger kicks and then the old acceptance stage happens too. I have accepted it and yet I am so pissed that she chose to be with someone else when she was still so wanted in my life. It comes down to the fact that I could not have done her so wrong like she did to me. I know I made a crapload of mistakes in the relationship too, but I never stopped loving her once. I guess I am bored of the whole breaking up "project" too. It has drained away my love of life and all my energy. I am sick of bitchin' about how torn up I am too. I am torn up, but I am not so self-centered that I don't understand what a drag it is to be around someone who is always bummin'. I miss her terribly, but it makes not one damn bit of difference to her. I don't think she really knows how much I care for her even still, but so what? I tried. It makes no difference. It's being decided against that is awful. We are NEVER going to be together again and that is EXACTLY the opposite of what I hoped for. I am going to try to move my focus away from all this for good, but you know, every day can bring a new crisis. Being sad is not going to give me absolution or win her back. Because I am so sad that it must be true love? Right. Here, let me get some sad tortured emotions on you. That's Hot! I don't have time for more of this, yet I am very lonely right now and I have nothing but empty hours it seems like. There is nothing I can do but leave it behind, I was not given any other choice. Accept it? What choice is there?
EricaH329 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and natural. What I don't think you realize though, is you are actually much farther into moving on than you realize. Realizing that you aren't going to be together anymore is huge. That takes a lot of people awhile to realize. The anger you feel towards her is normal. She did you wrong. You have every right to be upset about it! But don't let that emotion drag you down. Use it to your advantage. Take that anger and turn it into something useful. Use it to help you move on. That's what I try and do after a break up. I'm usually so mad at that person for not showing me the same respect that I showed them, that it lights a fire within me. Makes me not want anything to do with them. Helps me focus on myself, and not on them anymore.
Author BW007 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 I like the way you put that. I agree. It has taken me months to finally get mad. I was too trampled for a long time. I don't think I process these things in a well adjusted way though. It is very interesting to note that on this site you can witness certain pitfalls over and over again and you can just tell when someone is headed towards their own personal hell, and as much as you try to throw them a lifesaver they head straight to hell. (Note to self)
EricaH329 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I like the way you put that. I agree. It has taken me months to finally get mad. I was too trampled for a long time. I don't think I process these things in a well adjusted way though. Everyone deals with things differently. It takes some people longer to get over one situation, whereas it might take another half that time to get over that same situation. I am the same as you though. It takes me awhile to process the emotions. Most of the time, I hate to admit, it's because I try to hide them. Cover them up somehow. Which i've realized is not a very healthy way to go about it. At least you've realized that about yourself though. Next time this happens, which hopefully it won't, you will go into it knowing a little better how to deal with it. It is very interesting to note that on this site you can witness certain pitfalls over and over again and you can just tell when someone is headed towards their own personal hell, and as much as you try to throw them a lifesaver they head straight to hell. (Note to self) I totally know what you mean. It's so hard reading a lot of these threads because I can just sense the pain they are being thrown into... and all you want to do is fast forward time for them, or pull them out of the situation completely. But, you can't. So all you can do is try to help them any way you can. It's all a part of life I suppose.
Author BW007 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 I am not up for breaking up with someone that I love ever again. It may take a while to get commitment outta me, but when I commit to a relationship I want it to be healthy and solid for life. I am not being dramatic when I say I really don't think I could take a relationship ending this badly again. No joke. I guess most crash and burn these days, but the next serious one I get into is for life I think and I hope I can do the right things so whoever she is wants that too. For good. For real. I don't know how someone is going to break down the defenses though.
Beeotch Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 That was a powerful post...I really felt that. I know the feeling.. I feel a lot of the sorrow and anger in a break up is just at life...and how things do not always work as you envisioned, how life really is NOT fair, how one minute things can seem amazing, great happy and the next you are alone or something terrible occurs wiping that all away. Especially in break ups that seem for no-reason or no good reason....it just seems like almost a waste. My biggest fear after my break up would be that I wouldn't be able to trust again.My ex didn't cheat or any such thing but he pursued me and he made me feel special and he was the one who told me he loved me first and all that and I thought we would be happy for years to come....and HE ended it. So it makes me feel as though wow...who can you trust? Since at the time I would NEVER have imagined this would occur. But what makes ME feel better as I have said before on here is my strong belief that ALL things end up working the way they should and all things happen for a reason. I KNOW for me that my break up, how it happened and what happened after wards to this day has been significant and has helped me to grow. I do not know what it means for my future but I am not in despair as I believe I will only go up from here...and that it is beneficial to me and I WILL have that happiness again and I WILL find "the one". So I just have to go through the loneliness and the occasional anger and sadness....but the broader picture is BRIGHT! And at the end of the day...our exes are going to or already have had their share of turmoils and troubles. I think sometimes because we feel bad and we see them seemingly "happy" or we don't know what is up with them or they have a new person, that OMG their life is great and terrific and we are alone in a rut. NOT TRUE! I am sure I do not look depressed neither would my ex or anyone save for this forum and my bestfriend and sister, would even think I care about my ex anymore. But I do and it still hurts sometimes....so I don't know what he is going through. Their lives MAY NOT be peach either...and if it right now, eventually everyone is going to0 go through some shyt too. So just accept is as "this is my shyt right now...."....eventually you will come out on the other side.
Beeotch Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I am not up for breaking up with someone that I love ever again. It may take a while to get commitment outta me, but when I commit to a relationship I want it to be healthy and solid for life. I am not being dramatic when I say I really don't think I could take a relationship ending this badly again. No joke. I guess most crash and burn these days, but the next serious one I get into is for life I think and I hope I can do the right things so whoever she is wants that too. For good. For real. I don't know how someone is going to break down the defenses though. I say the EXACT same thing. Perhaps overtime the memory of this will fade...like women and childbirth who say never again but kind of forget how horrible it was and have another baby lol. But yes...I am looking for my future HUSBAND. Not a fling. I want a bf I can build a long-lasting commitment with and end up marrying. Not someone who is confused, deluded, fickle, unsure and the rest. I want someone who I can pour my all into because I know they are doing the same. But I suppose pouring your all is not wise. It is going to be a WHILE before that happens though...as this wound is still fresh.
GrayClouds Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 The only good news is the more bitter and closed off you get from these experiences, the more interesting you become to women until the point you become a full fledged ********* jerk. It wont lead to a healthy relationship but you will be able to get laid every day of the week by a variety of attractive women with low self esteem asking where did all the good guys go.
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