toogoodforthis Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I separated from my husband Sept 28 and the divorce was final in June. He had a substance abuse problem and relapsed twice after our first year of marriage, back to back and then started disappearing overnight over last summer. That always happened when I was travelling out of town and my daughter (not his) would be left alone. She was 13 or 14 at the time. Finally, I busted him doing drugs (3rd known time) during one of these times by calling a neighbor and also his work who tracked him on his phone GPS. I thought he was dead or something because he would just fall off the face of the earth and the MC we were going to said he was probably passing out from dehyrdration. (she was an idiot, btw) He begged me not to separate, but it was killing my kid to see all of this and I was so stressed I felt like I was going to explode or implode or lose it. I have a great career and made way more $$$ but I never cared about that. I mention that because his disappearances always occured around some very important work function, like he was sabotaging me or something. So now, every couple weeks he shows up or calls. He says he still loves me and has attempted to reconcile. But I don't feel like there's anything behind it. He's continued to deny he was doing drugs during all the disappearances, continued to blame my kid and me for his drug use and claims he's been sober since we broke up. Sometimes he just wants to do small talk and he actually wanted to be my friend on facebook. I have been trying to do zero contact except when he shows up on my doorstep. So, I'm out of the relationship, got a nanny, still have my job, things are going well for me. He lost his job, working as a delivery boy (he's almost 50) struggling financially and I'm not sure if he's clean or not. Here's the crazy thing. I am still sad, even after all this. I think about him all the time. I wish I would have done an intervention or done it differently, but I had to save my kid. She was acting out and rebelling against him and me for not protecting her. Her dad isn't in the picture, so its just me and her. Now, she is doing so well, so happy and relaxed. I know I did the right thing. I just can't seem to get past it. Even tho' I know I deserve better than this. One more thing, his family won't have anything to do with me or my kid. He has a daughter and she was very close to me and my kid. God only knows what he told her. After six years, you would think they would at least check in my kid but nothing. I don't know why that hurts me so much, but it does. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thank you and nice to meet everyone.
PWSX3 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Simple, if he was "REALLY" serious he would "BE" doing something about it, not just saying he will change. He would be in AA meetings, Celebrate recovery at a local church, something. I heard on a radio station that anyone can say what they are going to do but it's those that do something are the serious ones. Until you see him "doing" something I wouldn't waste my time. Maybe him hitting bottom will be what it will take for "HIM" to want to change but until that happens he will be the same person he has always been. Sorry you have to go thru this & sorry that he keeps coming back & hurting you, it has to be very hard.
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Hello TooGood, nice to meet you, too. Yeah...I understand your sadness -- that's your compassionate side, that wants to stop stop others' suffering. But. It isn't accurate that you/we have any power to help those who do not want our help. They have their own 'path' or 'destiny' or 'mission' or whatever we want to call that and, even when we can't understand it, their decisions and choices are about that. We really don't have any proper place in trying to influence anything about it. If it was his 'path' to be helped by you, then that's what he would have accepted for himself. IMHO. Perhaps you are upset by the message that his family is potentially sending to your daughter? -- that she isn't cared for, by them? I think all you can do is let her know that their lack of contact is a reflection of their own weird and distorted ways of being and doing, and doesn't say anything about how wonderful and special she is. Congratulations, btw, for finding the courage to make the difficult decisions that were necessary to ensure your daughter's emotional, mental and spiritual well-being and safety. Sending hugs and good wishes.
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