overseas2004 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 My husband and I have been having many problems in the last 16 months. All of it started when my child was born. My husband came here from Europe when he married me. He since then has not held down a full time job, has spent my money recklessly, has intermittently refused to help in the household or has complained about helping. I tried to talk to him nicely about these things, when that didnt work I tried to tell him not so nicely. NEither worked, although many attempts were made at both. At one point he got a part time job, but because of a fight with me, he took off for Europe. Ten days later when he came back he was informed that he lost his job. He got his mom, who lives on a small pension in Norway to send him money. She has been a great enabler for his bad behavior for quite some time now. So he opened his own bank account and squirreled that money away for his own use. He spent twenty thousand dollars in six months. He bought expensive cameras, watches for himself, camcorders, food that he liked..... whatever his little heart desired. He even got me a gold chain and a cross. And he did contribute a bit to the household, but nothing overwhelming. He got the baby diapers and paid off some of her medical bills. Six months ago he started sleeping in his own room. I let it go on, thinking somehow it would get better. I let it go on because of my daughter. I figured that I would stop the fighting and just live with him like a roomate and that at least she would have a dad. But I knew that our time was running out. So there we were living like two seperate lives, like some roomates. Seperate beds, seperate bank accounts, we dont talk to each other etc.... I guess because he didnt have any money anymore, he decided to go downstairs and pull my stuff out of storage and sell it on ebay. He sold some of my books and some of our wedding presents. I am not asking advice on what to do. I know what to do and I have insisted that he leave. He tried to fight it initially, but finally bought a ticket. He is leaving back to Europe on Sunday. Despite all the problems, I am devastated by all of this. Its hard to explain why. I dont think I love him anymore. I just have these feelings of loss since we lived through so much together and had a gorgeous and extremely smart child together. She is a joy. I am in deep dispair that my daughter wont have a father. I have read so many articles about how children in single family homes dont fair so well. I am well off economically, but she adores her dad. I am sure that this will not be good for her. I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this before and welcome any words of wisdom, compassion and assistance. Please just try not to be judgemental. I am going through a hard time now and need some kind words and reassurance. I didnt let it last long. The bad times have only been about 16 months long.
floridapad Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. How old is your daughter? Please remember that for every negative article about single parenting there is also a positive one. Try to find positive single parenting books and learn learn learn. Children of single parent households can and do grow up to be loving productive, great children. Start educating yourself on this and definately see a counselor. Do you have any brothers or other nonromantic male figures in your life?
Author overseas2004 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 My daughter is 16 months old. I do have a father and a brother and they are here for me, as my mother is. I know that is huge. Thanks for the counselling advice but that is something I dont feel I need. I have been through all teh books and they have some great advice but I wanted to see if there were any single moms out there willing to weigh in on what they went through.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Overseas...I know you don't need to hear that you are not alone...you don't feel like you need counseling and you are reading like crazy...your baby will be fine...My H may not be across an ocean but he is definitely not contributing to us...Most of us here on LS have not been thru this but are going thru this right now...i hope that you get more responses but the devistation that you are feeling isn't about him but what should have or might have been...Chin up and enjoy your baby girl...she was the best thing out of this just like my son was for me.
lostsoulmate Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 file a custody order now for your daughter. Otherwise he might and it would be a fight in Europe! Do it today!!!
Author overseas2004 Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I am filing all teh appropriate paper work as soon as its drawn up, I am not concerned about custody. Remember he doesnt want any responsibility. He just wants my money. That is what I gotta worry about.
Driftoffndream Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 Dear Overseas2004, I know this is a tough time for you and your daughter. You must be strong, and stay positive for your little girl. Please take the advise that was given to you by another recently and file the parenting plan and legal separation to help protect you and your daughter. It is so hard to think of when so many emotions are coursing through your mind, but it is imperative you take these precautions especially since you mentioned you are ok in the finance department. I am a divorced single mother of a beautiful seven year old girl. I would give anything to make her world the best it could be. I thought staying with her father was what was best, but it made us miserable and ultimately became a very horrible situation all the way around. We divorced. I get no child support, was recently laid off again, and scrape by month to month. But no matter what my situation I always provide for my daughter, especially emotionally. I have never spoken ill of her father to her, but I also don't make excuses for him. Her and I have an open relationship and talk about how things upset her or make her happy and what we can do to improve our lives almost daily. Just remember no matter how stressed out you get to feed your childs emotions in a way that will help her to grow. You will not be able to take away the pain her father is causing by leaving, but at least you can be there as a support and guide her in a positive direction. It's all you can do. It's what we are made to do. That's why they call us mothers. I will keep you both in my prayers. Many well wishes to you and your daughter...
ReturnToSender Posted September 11, 2009 Posted September 11, 2009 From my own personal experience... My ex and I divorced when my daughter was 4... though he was not her bio father, he was a great dad to her (and I never then..or ever...badmouthed him around her. Her heart was broken enough that he was gone, I was not going to throw salt on it...I lvoe her too much for that, so she remembers him the way she does, and Im fine with that.) She was old enough to feel the pain of him not being there anymore, but she also grew to find that life was just fine with the two of us. There were times when she would feel bad or left out when other kids talked about their dads, or to see a dad and their kid together...I felt horribly cause I wanted that for her (I grew up without a father myself..he was killed when I was 2) But kids are so wonderful...she was accepting of our situation, and she trusts me totally to take care of her and that I do my best. Shes now 12, a very happy outgoing kid, we talk about every and anything, shes now in gifted classes and taking high school level classes as well, has plenty of friends, and the friends I have she sees as aunts and uncles... She knows Im not going anywhere...Ive always been there for her, and Ive always done the best I can...her home is a secure, loving place that she feels good to be in. She even wrote a report for school once, saying I was her hero and she wants to be a mom like me one day. sometimes I feel horribly that she didnt get the chance to be daddys little girl, but at the end of the day, she is doing perfectly fine and is well adjusted to what our little family is. I hope that offers some hope...
Author overseas2004 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 First of all thank you to all who wrote such positive posts. I go through days when I am ok and not even worried that she will turn out great and days where I am totally terrified that I cant do it alone. Like yesterday, she is now learning how to open and close doors and she was playing a game with me where she closes the door and then starts calling me. I then open the door and she starts to laugh hysterically. Its so cute, except that yesterday she locked the door. We are on vacation in Florida in a rented house. I could not find anything thin enough to fit in the hole to unlock the door. So I called 911. My daughter was screaming on the other side of the door and I dislocated my hip (not really but that is what it feels like today) and finally broke the door down. I felt like a failure yesterday but then today we went swimming and played in the sand and by the end of the day my spirits were restored. My daughter has asked for her father everyday, even though she is only 16 months old. He on the other hand has not called once to see how she is. I guess one day I will feel better about all of this when time and distance has seperated me from this terrible event, but now I feel like a rollercoaster. Still your posts help and I will try to keep the faith. Thanks to all you brave single mothers.
ReturnToSender Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 If it makes you feel any better... My ex waited about 3 years before he sent me an email, asking how I was, asking about kiddo, wanting to know how were doing. I thought it was sweet that he had us, more so her on his mind. I didnt say anything about me, just updated him on everything she was doing... No reply. A few months later, he sent me a picture of his "happy place" and asked me if I missed it. I blocked him and havnt had any contact since. Sooo... no matter what happens, its got to be better than that..haha! Im sure you and your little girl will be just fine. Time is a great thing, and kids are incredibly strong
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