Kamille Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the concept of the "chase" which hinder women from healthy dating. I see it all over this board. Women being afraid to speak up for themselves, what they need and what they want because they are afrait they will scare a guy away - or afraid to finally confront the fact that a guy they are dating might not be into them. I don't get it. I've always been extremely straighfoward with my partners, mostly because I refuse to have to convince anyone to be a part of my life. They either want to be with me or they don't. that decision isn't up to me and no amount of scheming can change that. My only responsibility is too myself and my own well-being. If a guy doesn't treat me right, then I walk away. I don't stick around in the hopes of changing him one day. I'm not saying I'm a role model, but I've greatly improved my capacities at establishing commited relationships since my early twenties, and here is what I have learned. 1) Yes, guys like to chase. As do girls. The fact is, most of us like to feel the thrill and excitement of getting to know someone and wondering if they are as into us as we are into them. Also, we like to know that our partner is a catch and that they have a thrilling exciting life outside of us. Male psychology, IMO, isn't that different from female psychology here. 2) The chase isn't about playing mind games, it's about keeping your balance as you get to know somebody. If he calls and you're home (or near your cell phone)... Pick up the phone! Make plans for a few days from then because, hopefully, you have a busy life. If you don't, then get busy. If he leaves a message, return his phone call. 3)The chase isn't about hiding how you feel. If you like a guy... Show him as much. Don't act cool, or pretend you're okay with a casual arrangement if you aren't. This will only confuse the good guys and attract the skeezy ones (or turn the good guys into skeezes). Know what you want and ask for it. It's up to the guys to decide if they can live up to that or not. 4) I think a lot of women are inclined to work too hard at a relationship too soon. If you find yourself doing all the activities that entail dating (calling, setting up plans, contacting, confirming plans), then you're not leaving room to be himself in the budding relationship. Think about this way; you're part of work team where only one person gets to make all the decisions... Is it a team? Will the final product be representative of everyone's input? No. So step back and let him guide the relationship. If he doesn't, then best to move on. 5) Are you really into a guy? then stay balanced by getting busy with your own life. Call up your friends and plan outings. Go to the gym. volunteer, Just don't stay at home, on-line, in the hopes he will come onto messenger. And one thing I never do is add a guy to my Facebook until we are in an established relationship. I don't need to know what Candi from Kansas wrote on his wall. What I have to go on is how he treats me. 6) Similarly, assume he does have his own life too. He read your message but hasn't replied? Maybe he read it, was happy to hear from you but had to run out to shoot some hoops. Give him time and space to get in touch with you. If it never matches up to the level you would like, then that likely means he isn't quite right for you. 7) Be a great catch. Know that you are one. If a guy doesn't realize it, then too bad so sad. 8) Take responsibility for yourself. Communicate. Yes. Letting a guy chase doesn't mean hiding how you feel, or pretending that you can do a casual relationship when you want more. This always backfires. Show that you are confident by telling a guy that you really like him. Believe it or not, guys need reinforcement too. And how often does it have to be said that a guy can't read your mind? If you have an issue with something, then it is up to you to speak up so that the two of you can resolve it. And you know what, in my experience, most men appreciate straightfoward honesty. In all my past Rs, this is what my partners appreciated the most about me and that's what made them want to commit. They knew I was someone they could build a strong relationship with. they trusted I had a good head on my shoulders and that we would be able to communicate about issues. 9) Wait until you absolutely KNOW you want to have sex with a guy before you hang out at his or your place on in any private setting where one could possibly imagine having sex. This is great because it builds up sexual anticipation and when you finally do find yourself in an intimate setting, you can focus on ripping his clothes off and enjoying yourself instead of stressing about whether or not he will respect you in the morning. 10) As long as you are conflicted about what he will think of you in the morning, don't sleep with him. Also, remind yourself that sex doesn't equate a commitment. And if, by any chance, you end up having sex with a guy before you are ready or a commitment is established, don't panic. Don't apologize. You ended up having sex in the heat of the moment, so we will assume you were enjoying yourself and you were feeling highly attracted to him. Focus on that the next time you see him or are in touch with him. Yup. Tell him, smile on your face "wow, that was hot. i couldn't resist you". Be strong and confident and again, take responsibility for your actions. You had sex because you wanted to. You can therefore deal with the consequences. And if a guy judges you for having sex too soon with him, again, you are better off without him. Okay, I'm done ranting.
You'reasian Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 You get a standing ovation from this girl While you were standing, I stole your seat
goldencloud Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Thank you! Once upon a time, I used to be like this...natural ha! It seems recently I've gotten so caught up in the 'rules' etc etc, that I've forgotten in many ways how to just 'be'!
Isolde Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks for this quality post, Kamille. Sticky material
Thaddeus Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 As a fellow who's about as "anti-chase" as they come, I like Kamille's post. I see it less about "chasing" than I do about maintaining one's personal boundaries and being clear about one's intentions. Well done. *applause*
Author Kamille Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks everyone. Post inspired by a few palms up moments. To sum up: be your own beautiful self. Be relationship material. Treat the men in your life like potential relationship material. And most of all, enjoy dating! I don't get the other approach, the one where women try to catch men by playing it cool. I mean, how does that work? Does one wait until the guy has proposed to let their personality finally shine through?
runnergal Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I must say THANK YOU!! You are an inspiration to me!! I know we were going back and forth on my post. But you have really gave me a breath of fresh air and I've decided that I am me and if someone doesn't like or love me for me, then oh well!!! APPLAUSE to you!!!!!!
BCCA Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Excellent post, two thumbs up! I don't get the other approach, the one where women try to catch men by playing it cool. I mean, how does that work? Does one wait until the guy has proposed to let their personality finally shine through? I think what happens is that people get used to having a lot of options and avenues for attention, when they are younger, and as they get older, they never really grow out of being 'hard to get'. Its easy to play it cool when you have 10 guys chasing after you, but when there is maybe 1-2 at a time, you wont get the same results. Most guys dont chase. They will to an extent, as is part of the game, but they usually arent going to bang their head against the same wall trying to get a girl.
Lucky555 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 thanks for that I needed to read something like that to get my head on the right track.
Lishy Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 LOVE your post K and I agree with every last bit of it! I have come to realise that I am fabulous and if I meet a guy and he does not agree then more fool him! No games no more for me, I will say what I want and if that does not gel with what he wants then great as I have not wasted time on a guy who is not worth my time! I am gonna just be me, what you see is what you get!
butcher's hook Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Bravo Kamille!! That is an excellent list of wisdom to live by. I wholeheartedly agree with the ENTIRE thing.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I TOTALLY agree, Kamille - thank you for sharing this. Biggest mistake I have made in the past - letting my life revolve around the current love interest. More recent mistakes were believing too many of the "rules" (such as playing it "cool" ). Have actually lived it closer to what you've posted here with the current guy and I feel much more relaxed about whatever the results may be and I'm insanely happy so far...and having lots of fun with him.
sexibanez Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 i wish somebody wold write the equivalent for us men...anyone?
littlewhiterose Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I agree, standing ovation...Very well said!
Author Kamille Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 I agree, standing ovation...Very well said! If only it were also very well spelled. :laugh:
Hkizzle Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the concept of the "chase" which hinder women from healthy dating. I see it all over this board. Women being afraid to speak up for themselves, what they need and what they want because they are afrait they will scare a guy away - or afraid to finally confront the fact that a guy they are dating might not be into them. I don't get it. I've always been extremely straighfoward with my partners, mostly because I refuse to have to convince anyone to be a part of my life. They either want to be with me or they don't. that decision isn't up to me and no amount of scheming can change that. My only responsibility is too myself and my own well-being. If a guy doesn't treat me right, then I walk away. I don't stick around in the hopes of changing him one day. I'm not saying I'm a role model, but I've greatly improved my capacities at establishing commited relationships since my early twenties, and here is what I have learned. 1) Yes, guys like to chase. As do girls. The fact is, most of us like to feel the thrill and excitement of getting to know someone and wondering if they are as into us as we are into them. Also, we like to know that our partner is a catch and that they have a thrilling exciting life outside of us. Male psychology, IMO, isn't that different from female psychology here. 2) The chase isn't about playing mind games, it's about keeping your balance as you get to know somebody. If he calls and you're home (or near your cell phone)... Pick up the phone! Make plans for a few days from then because, hopefully, you have a busy life. If you don't, then get busy. If he leaves a message, return his phone call. 3)The chase isn't about hiding how you feel. If you like a guy... Show him as much. Don't act cool, or pretend you're okay with a casual arrangement if you aren't. This will only confuse the good guys and attract the skeezy ones (or turn the good guys into skeezes). Know what you want and ask for it. It's up to the guys to decide if they can live up to that or not. 4) I think a lot of women are inclined to work too hard at a relationship too soon. If you find yourself doing all the activities that entail dating (calling, setting up plans, contacting, confirming plans), then you're not leaving room to be himself in the budding relationship. Think about this way; you're part of work team where only one person gets to make all the decisions... Is it a team? Will the final product be representative of everyone's input? No. So step back and let him guide the relationship. If he doesn't, then best to move on. 5) Are you really into a guy? then stay balanced by getting busy with your own life. Call up your friends and plan outings. Go to the gym. volunteer, Just don't stay at home, on-line, in the hopes he will come onto messenger. And one thing I never do is add a guy to my Facebook until we are in an established relationship. I don't need to know what Candi from Kansas wrote on his wall. What I have to go on is how he treats me. 6) Similarly, assume he does have his own life too. He read your message but hasn't replied? Maybe he read it, was happy to hear from you but had to run out to shoot some hoops. Give him time and space to get in touch with you. If it never matches up to the level you would like, then that likely means he isn't quite right for you. 7) Be a great catch. Know that you are one. If a guy doesn't realize it, then too bad so sad. 8) Take responsibility for yourself. Communicate. Yes. Letting a guy chase doesn't mean hiding how you feel, or pretending that you can do a casual relationship when you want more. This always backfires. Show that you are confident by telling a guy that you really like him. Believe it or not, guys need reinforcement too. And how often does it have to be said that a guy can't read your mind? If you have an issue with something, then it is up to you to speak up so that the two of you can resolve it. And you know what, in my experience, most men appreciate straightfoward honesty. In all my past Rs, this is what my partners appreciated the most about me and that's what made them want to commit. They knew I was someone they could build a strong relationship with. they trusted I had a good head on my shoulders and that we would be able to communicate about issues. 9) Wait until you absolutely KNOW you want to have sex with a guy before you hang out at his or your place on in any private setting where one could possibly imagine having sex. This is great because it builds up sexual anticipation and when you finally do find yourself in an intimate setting, you can focus on ripping his clothes off and enjoying yourself instead of stressing about whether or not he will respect you in the morning. 10) As long as you are conflicted about what he will think of you in the morning, don't sleep with him. Also, remind yourself that sex doesn't equate a commitment. And if, by any chance, you end up having sex with a guy before you are ready or a commitment is established, don't panic. Don't apologize. You ended up having sex in the heat of the moment, so we will assume you were enjoying yourself and you were feeling highly attracted to him. Focus on that the next time you see him or are in touch with him. Yup. Tell him, smile on your face "wow, that was hot. i couldn't resist you". Be strong and confident and again, take responsibility for your actions. You had sex because you wanted to. You can therefore deal with the consequences. And if a guy judges you for having sex too soon with him, again, you are better off without him. Okay, I'm done ranting. Ideals and reality are different things. I disagree with what terrorists do, but they still exist never the less. Humans can be selfish and manipulative. Welcome to the real world.
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