foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 This is for the ladies (or the men if they know): How long after Dday did you get your orgasms back on track? In 20 years with my H, I never had an issue with this, ever. It is now 4 1/2 months post dday and I have had one O...and it was weak. My H has no performance issues at all and never ever has other than the times I began to cry during sex after the A- mood killer for sure...(actually, he DID have performance issues with MOW; I read her TMs and she was consoling him over it and telling him she would try harder to make him more excited) I want my Os back...oh, I should add I want them when I am w/ my H..I am doing just fine flying solo, but I'd like an O while with a man, preferable my H.
NoIDidn't Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I did that: crying afterwards. And not tears of joy. And not the "pretty" cry either. I'm talking big, DEEP sobs. The kind that come from a place, no one ever wants to return to. I think the O is weak because the connection is not back yet. Only 4 and a half months out? Check again at 8 to 9 months out.
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Check again at 8 to 9 months out. That is depressing. Are you back to it yet? How long did it take?
redtail Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Foreal, I'm not sure you really want to know my answer, but since you asked, it wasn't until after I separated/divorced my wife. My ww after DDay didn't have sex with me, she said she wasn't going to have sex with me or the MM she was having the affair with until she "sorted things out". Kind of like a punishment for me finding out I guess. I took her crap, until she decided it was okay, and the sex was not good. Too much had changed, she had changed and my mind couldn't rest. I too cried, hard, while having sex. She pretended not to notice. So my point is, the situation will never be the same, you have to come (no pun intended) to a state of mind that allows you to relax and be in the moment. For me, I could never get there with her.
PhoenixRise Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Foreal I did this too. The crying after. It was a horrible place to be in and the person who had to comfort me was the same person who put me there. It was the worst. It will take time. For me it took about a year. Now for about half of this time I had separated from my H. Maybe if I had stayed I would have gotten through it sooner. The connection is just not there yet. I will bet the trust is not fully back yet. AND for me, in the middle of things I would wonder if the things that he was doing with me, he also did with her.
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Foreal, I'm not sure you really want to know my answer, but since you asked, it wasn't until after I separated/divorced my wife. My ww after DDay didn't have sex with me, she said she wasn't going to have sex with me or the MM she was having the affair with until she "sorted things out". Kind of like a punishment for me finding out I guess. I took her crap, until she decided it was okay, and the sex was not good. Too much had changed, she had changed and my mind couldn't rest. I too cried, hard, while having sex. She pretended not to notice. So my point is, the situation will never be the same, you have to come (no pun intended) to a state of mind that allows you to relax and be in the moment. For me, I could never get there with her. Thanks Redtail.... I am sorry your WW was so insensitive to you! She pretended not to notice? Good grief! H and I are having sex, and when I did cry (hasn't happened in awhile) he immediately tended to me etc. He has been patient and kind in regards to that...I guess it just takes time..like I said, it is not that I can't O, it's just I can't with HIM. Hopefully that will change as I am not spending the rest of my life w/o regular Os, with a man that is.
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Foreal I did this too. The crying after. It was a horrible place to be in and the person who had to comfort me was the same person who put me there. It was the worst. It will take time. For me it took about a year. Now for about half of this time I had separated from my H. Maybe if I had stayed I would have gotten through it sooner. The connection is just not there yet. I will bet the trust is not fully back yet. AND for me, in the middle of things I would wonder if the things that he was doing with me, he also did with her. Phoenix, thank you. your posts are always so helpful. Okay so maybe since we are not separated I will get my mojo back sooner....The trust is not there yet nor the connection. He is sooo back into me, but I am not into him (physically he is still very attractive to me though so I keep giving it the college try!! ha ha!)
PhoenixRise Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Foreal I wanted to add. Between my H and I it is now the BEST EVER:love: More O's better O's Better now than before the affair. Better now than when we first met. Don't give up hope. You can get it back better than ever if you both want to.
PhoenixRise Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Phoenix, thank you. your posts are always so helpful. Okay so maybe since we are not separated I will get my mojo back sooner....The trust is not there yet nor the connection. He is sooo back into me, but I am not into him (physically he is still very attractive to me though so I keep giving it the college try!! ha ha!) If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Your H loves you. Eventually he will make it his personal misson to make sure you get yours.
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Foreal I wanted to add. Between my H and I it is now the BEST EVER:love: More O's better O's Better now than before the affair. Better now than when we first met. Don't give up hope. You can get it back better than ever if you both want to. OH MY THANK YOU for sharing that! We always had such great sex (even during his A) and I have been thinking damit, the A took that from me! But your post got me thinking..... I guess it is like my self esteem..I felt for so many weeks/months that the A took my self esteem, my confidence etc, but I have that back now... I thought crap, I have all that back but maybe sex will be the thing that forever is lost. It is good to know it is not all hopeless...I will think of it as the same as my confidence, etc..it got derailed but it can get back to where it was, even more! THANKS PR!!
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Your H loves you. Eventually he will make it his personal misson to make sure you get yours. yep...that is the way he has always been...he seems more bummed than me that I am not getting mine..maybe it is just his ego not being able to handle the fact he is not pleasing me anymore?!! Although I am pleased, just not PLEEEEEEASED...iykwim
aeh Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Strangely, since D-Day two months ago I have had no problem with Os. (This is even with the hysterical bonding thing, 2, 3, 4 times a day...) But the last few times, I haven't been able to or one was just very weak, almost nonexistent. VERY strange for me.
syz Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Its been 3 years and mine are still in the crapper and I even moved on to someone else. Its never been the same for me in that area. It took a year for the PTSD shock to leave and for the O's to even come back. Then I still had issues with closeness. I basically have to go to mind porn where I'm not me and my partner isn't her and we are just having sex in a ****ty flick.
Spark1111 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I think something is triggering it, a thought, a move an action on his part, your anger. A visual image. It begins to wax and wane with each new phase. I talk about it all with him! I talk about what I need and how I need it with him. Life is too short to give that up, for cryinoutloud. And when all else fails, I go get the vibrator to use with HIM! If we are serious about reconciling the marriage, the more oxytocin (Os) we have, the more bonded women feel with the man. That's the truth! That is why a new bestselling relationship book, written by a man, cautions women to obey the 90-day rule: Do not sleep with a man for the first 90 days. Assess his character first, because if you have sex too soon and have a big O, you will emotionally bond to him because that is what that brain chemical does to us. More powerful than heroin. And that is a major reason so many good women wind upm with real jerks. Yep, oxytocin is the culprit!
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Strangely, since D-Day two months ago I have had no problem with Os. (This is even with the hysterical bonding thing, 2, 3, 4 times a day...) But the last few times, I haven't been able to or one was just very weak, almost nonexistent. VERY strange for me. AEH: Did you ever have problems having Os before the A?
Author foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I think something is triggering it, a thought, a move an action on his part, your anger. A visual image. It begins to wax and wane with each new phase. I talk about it all with him! I talk about what I need and how I need it with him. Life is too short to give that up, for cryinoutloud. And when all else fails, I go get the vibrator to use with HIM! If we are serious about reconciling the marriage, the more oxytocin (Os) we have, the more bonded women feel with the man. That's the truth! That is why a new bestselling relationship book, written by a man, cautions women to obey the 90-day rule: Do not sleep with a man for the first 90 days. Assess his character first, because if you have sex too soon and have a big O, you will emotionally bond to him because that is what that brain chemical does to us. More powerful than heroin. And that is a major reason so many good women wind upm with real jerks. Yep, oxytocin is the culprit! Gerat Post Spark! I had not even thought about the chemical thing- maybe that is why I feel I have slowly fallen out of love with him since I learned f the A? No Os, no 'in love'....maybe?
Gamine Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Or, you may simply not feel safe with him. And to the extent that you my intellectualize that you are... emotionally you may not be....
Spark1111 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Agreed, Gamine. The Big O for women is about the ultimate surrender and requires total emotional trust. You are not there yet Foreal.
redtail Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Agreed, Gamine. The Big O for women is about the ultimate surrender and requires total emotional trust. You are not there yet Foreal. Okay, but for me, little redtail was none too happy to get back in the saddle after DDay with my WW. It sounds strange for some people to think a guy couldn't make it happen, but it wasn't happening...
aeh Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 AEH: Did you ever have problems having Os before the A? No, I've NEVER had problems having them. EVER!!
redtail Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 It sounds strange for some people to think a guy couldn't make it happen, but it wasn't happening... By the way, an erection wasn't an issue, that was like an autonomic response, but the orgasms were weak at best...
Author foreal Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 By the way, an erection wasn't an issue, that was like an autonomic response, but the orgasms were weak at best... Redtail, Are you all good to go now that you have divorced? Is back to normal now w/ other women?
Author foreal Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 Or, you may simply not feel safe with him. And to the extent that you my intellectualize that you are... emotionally you may not be.... Too true...geez...sad. Not sure I will ever feel safe with him again. I guess that is why I can do it myself (at least I got my self trust back). It really pisses me off...he gets his Os, but I have to wait...what an Ahole. I swear I want to go get laid from some other man who I know hasn't cheated on me so i can have an O...
redtail Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Redtail, Are you all good to go now that you have divorced? Is back to normal now w/ other women? Thank you for asking, I mean that! That's other woman, singular! It's fantastic with my second wife. I think the emotional baggage was too much in my situation with my first wife.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I want my Os back...oh, I should add I want them when I am w/ my H..I am doing just fine flying solo, but I'd like an O while with a man, preferable my H. I jest a little, but there is truth when I say, you want your O's back? Get rid of your H and find another man.
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