DudeMan27 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Almost as much as the breakup, what I keep obsessing over and thinking about is why do I feel 10 tmies as strongly for her than I ever did when we were dating. Thats not to say I didnt like her or questioned if I wanted to be with her. I would always look at her and think how pretty she was, even tho I didnt say it as much as I should. Almost 6 months after our break up and I struggle to find any other girl even remotley attractive. When my ex and I dated, I was attracted to other girls (altho I never would act on that) But My ex told me how she never usually gets hit on. She was never one to dress flashy and doesnt draw attention to herself so I was never jealous when she would go ou. Two of her roomates are guys, ive always trusteeher and never worried. Now all I can think about is how she probably gets mobbed by guys every time she leaves the house because she looks so good. We live an hour away from each other so only was able to get together a couple nights a week and one the weekends. But I never really over the top missed her when we would go some time wtihout seeing each other like most boyfriends should. It was only until we broke up where I couldnt wait to see her and missed her so much. On the weekends, I'd alsways make sure I spent time with her, but also always made time for my friends, I felt like a jerk if i neglected them. That never bothered me. Now, I dont even want to be around my friends, I wish I was with her 24hours a day. I dont know what I asthinking. I had this amazingly beautufil girl, who any guy would want to spend all possible time with, but I couldnt see that. Why only NOW does this stuff intensify? Dont get me wrong, I wasnt a jerk or anything, but I dont think I appreciated what I had fully until it was gone. I would always think she looked pretty, but now I see a picture of her and truly think she is the best looking girl I've ever met. I get so angry at myself for feeling this strongly only now. I see on facebook people write updates like "spending time with my baby" or "I miss her" and I never ddi because I always thought that was kinda cheesey. Now I wish I could do that to show off what an amazing girl I had. I want everyone to know, but at the time, I didnt worry about that stuff. Is this just a case of wanting what you cant have? Because it just seems so much more than that. I'm furious with myslef thinking about some of this stuff. I barely had any photos of us around, now I wish I would have shown off the person I had. I never thought of this at the time, but now I think how all my friends were probably jealous at how great my girlfriend was. I realize alot of it is because she broke up with me, but WHY, WHAT triggers your thoughts to go in the direction they should have from the start, only after you no longer have her. I rarely missed her because I always thought "i will see her soon, or "ill see her when I see her. Shes there" I was never jealous because she was never one of those girls that show herself off. Alot of times when she would show up it was just the normal "peck on the lips and a hug' for a hello. Not the "grab her and make out and cherish ever second you get to touch her" hello it should be in a relationship. Does any of this make any sense? I feel like I'm rambling so Im going to stop. I just am so angry that my feelings for her are 10 times what they were before, even tho I knew when we dated she was who I wanted to be with. I dont get it. Is this normal? Or maybe Im jsut a jerk who gets too comfortable in a relationship and ends up going thru the motions. Feeling this stongly now only hurts worse because I feel like the time I had with a great person was not cherished enough and it was wasted. It wasnt until toward the end when I felt her slipping away that I would truely truely miss her. I would text her from work teling her im thinking about her. And I would sometimes be like a lost puppy without her. Thats not to say I didnt feel that way other times, but it was only until then that I thought to say it too her. She was never on my mind as much as now during the relationship. I never missed her as much, never thought she was so gorgeous, never wanted to spend as much time with her, etc, as I do now. WHY didnt I feel this way when I had the chance. Why only when I CANT spend any time with her, so I want to just call her up just to lay on the couch with her. I dont know. Its frustrating and I dont have anymore answers. Just needed to vent. Thank you.
joerhp Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 you are being too hard on yourself. the reason you act like this is because you realize you care about her, but who is to say a relationship with her wont turn into the same thing, its happened to me, got back together and fell back into our same patterns after another year together. the relationship you had seems healthy, its not always about making out with someone when you see them for the first time in a week, relationships get stagnet, its normal. you made time for your friends, also normal and needed in any healthy relationship. how long were you together? why did you break up? its time to think maybe you are missing the security and comfort and not actually her, if your only sins in the relationship is you didnt kiss her hello as big as you should have, and made time for friends every now and then, you sound like you were a good boyfriend, i wouldnt stress over it too much. go out meet people, take your mind off of it, and cut off contact if you havent already
Lish Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Hey again I feel your pain. Truly, I do. However, like I said in your previous thread, you have got to try move on from this. You are literally driving yourself insane and it is not fair. Yes we sometimes don't appreciate what we had until it's gone but like you said yourself, you weren't a jerk. You didn't emotionally or physically abuse her or anything, so don't be so hard on yourself. This is eating you up and you have to stop. I think you need to firstly be at peace with the fact that while you could have done more, you weren't a BAD boyfriend by any means. I really wish I could help you more because you seem like you are just falling to pieces. Stay strong. I promise it WILL get easier. Like I said, just ask me if you need anymore advice/help.
hoping2heal Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Because that is how we learn. If we already knew and understood the lessons we learn during the "too late" phases of our relationships; we wouldn't of made the mistakes we did that put us in a relationship that failed (sometimes; that mistake is picking the wrong partner for us!). In my experience we keep falling, and falling and falling until everything sinks in and we FINALLY learn.
Bleeve Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I was the same exact way 2 relationships in a row.......all you can do is learn and try to do better next time I vowed to myself to never take for granted someone I care about ever again Do the same and it will have all been for a reason
Bobby2010 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I feel the exact same way. It sucks. It really does.
Lish Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I feel the exact same way. It sucks. It really does. You're in the same position as the OP? It's unfortunately the way life goes. You just have to realise that letting how you feel continue is not benefitting you in any way. Feeling the way you do will not get your ex back... like I've said before, learn from your mistakes. Then when the next lucky lady comes along, you will appreciate her so much more. Try focusing on what positives you can take (ie. what you can learn about yourself & grow from) rather than focusing so much on the negative & the regret/guilt. You have to move on. Take each day as it comes.. it WILL get easier, I promise Good luck, both of you. <3
boogieboy Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Yep, use this lesson to make sure you dont take the next person for granted...but keep a balance! Dont smother them either....
Angelo_28 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I understand you...I too was told the famous "It's too late..." speach. You see, being logical, we only realize a problem as a result of a serious consequence towards our actions, or a lack of. As we attempt to rectify the problem, no matter how much you try to display your "corrections" to the other, you will usually get turned down. I too have a hard time accepting the faith of my failed relationship, I neglected her by working too much, I wasn't there as often as she would of enjoyed. We argued about it several times until it was to a point that she no longer felt she could support the current situation. Her family didn't help either, she never explained the reasons of our arguments and thus they began to hate me aswell. For the following months I changed my routines, took less hours at work, play less music contracts and tried to show her that I was able to put her first...that I realized what she was telling me and I fixed the problem. But, in reality, I gave up what made me "ME"...my passions, my ambitions. I then realized I was working harder when I meet her, only to be able to provide for her later...I was being a man...working and saving to be able to build a life for each other. Any other women would of seen my efforts and their families would of been proud to see thier daughter with a man that "flew straight". Unfortunately for me, she and her family didn't see it that way...they assumed I didn't care, that I purposely neglect her...but they don't realize how much I've been spoiling her since we've been together. All this to say, once the pain lowers, once you've begun to move on...you'll realize that the price of change for the benefits of someone else's love is a price to high if one must change thier own identity. Love is unconditional, without ultimatums...if love began one way, then love should fleurish THAT way. We may change minor things about ourself to please the other...but to change your self as a whole...take it from me, it's not worth it. So...is it too late...YES, FOR HER! Be yourself, she fell in love with you then for who you where then...no reason to change it now. Once she realizes you're gone and misses you, she'll realize her mistake also.......it's a two way street my friend, remember that...no one person is souly responsible for the entire failure of ANY relationship. Take care.
adamt Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I can relate to this. My ex bottled things up until she was ready to move on. Why cant people communicate in a relationship and let the other person know they are not happy with something while they still have the feelings there. She always agreed we had an honest and trusting relationship, so i never suspected anything. I read this sort of stuff al lthe time where the woman keeps things to herself and does not bring it up until she is moving on. The man in unaware of any problems and wants to fix and change things but it is too late and the woman has been sitting on it for so long trying to get the courage to talk about it. You end up wondering if you really knew your ex as well as you thought
t0ri Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I relate to the above poster as well. My ex-boyfriend was not a good communicator at all, but I didn't know the severity of it until he dumped me and THEN decided to come back 3 weeks later and discuss every single feeling he had about our relationship, and what went wrong. I don't know why he didn't take the time to tell me what he needed from me during the relationship, rather than when it was too late. I guess that means that it was easier to give up on me and our relationship, than to try and fix what issues were at hand. Anyway, OP, I relate to you very much! I guess I took my ex for granted and believed he'd always be there. Now that he's gone, it seems like my feelings for him have intensified! I find him much more handsome, and blame myself for not doing things more often than I should have, etc. I'm having all of those same thoughts as you I wish I would've shown him how much I really loved and appreciated him, every part of him more often. It's too late now, what's done is done. I guess all we can do is take this as a lesson to appreciate what we have, while we still have it!
adamt Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I think both people in the relationship have to share the blame in these situations. The dumper was in the wrong for not letting the other person know their feelings and the dumpee was in teh wrong for letting things slip or taking their eye of the ball or gettin gcomplacent and too comfortable. Sometimes all it takes is for the dumper to say they still love them, but give them a nudge to remind them they need to work on things. If the dumper was really that into you, surely they would let you know and not risk it snowballing. maybe the dumper just wasnt that bothered at trying to make it work in teh first place. All down to poor communication. You have to pick up on the warning signs, body language and their actions rather than what they say if they are poor communicators.
Funky Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Man this is what I'm going threw exactly right now and I can totally feel your pain... It's very hard on the ego and self esteem... Somedays I'm like I'm just going to go out and meet someone to make myself feel better, when I get there it's like nobody compares. When I spoke with my ex I asked her why did you keep all this inside instead of talking about it with me, she answers, she didn't want to be the gf that nagged all the time... I was like WTF, Nag, far from it when you love someone you tell them and let them know whats going on in your life, your suppose to be there best friend and supporter, not just a bf. I'm still not over everything and still having a lot of issues dealing with everything, I'm like an emotional rollercoaster.
Exit Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 A lot of people in this thread sound exactly like me. I'm the exact same way. 4 months since breaking up and now I'm totally crazy about her. There have been some intelligent posts in here. It's so silly that they choose to sweep their issues and unhappiness under the rug, until it's too late, and then when you try to change, they say you're only willing to change when they threaten to leave you. That's not true at all, you're willing to change because it's the first damn time you've been made aware of the problems.
GrayClouds Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Why does it take until 'too late' to realize everything?? May be its just in time for the when the right one shows up (and if it happen sooner you would be stuck with someone close but not perfect for you)
Katherineos123 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I have a question for all the posters who feel remorse for having neglected their significant others, and now miss them more than ever? Have you all been in contact with your exes since the breakup? Or are you not talking to each other? Do you feel as though anything would REALLY change if you reconciled? I ask because, Im currently in a relationship, for about a year, and the guy has been very hurtful/unappreciative of me the past month or so... Now, I have had the guts to come out and TELL him that his behavior is hurting me, and he has said time and time again that he will try and be more considerate and loving.... But Im at my complete wits end, and he hurt my feelings again this weekend... And Im thinking I need to break up with him. However, I feel as though because Ive given him so many chances, that that is why he's not changing... Because he thinks he has me wrapped around his finger, and that he can treat me this way, and thall Ill stick around... this is why he hasnt made any REAL effort to change. But Im thinking that if we do in fact split up, that he would miss me terribly, and be in the same position as all of you... And as spiteful and cruel as it sounds... I want him to miss me. And see me as the one who got away... (Im just being completely honest here - please dont crucify me for it )
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Dudeman27, Have you ever heard that saying "Hindsight is 20/20"? Thats kind of what you're talking about. It's always easier to look back on things and see what you were doing wrong and how you should've been, but the problem is you can't change the past. I think we sometimes take things for granted and never realize what we have until its gone, because we get so used to having it there everyday... I guess thats a lesson all on its own - *Don't take people for granted*. Kat123, If he is making you unhappy you shouldn't wait around until he "changes". You shouldn't play games either tho. If you do decide to break it off i'm sure he will miss you, but at the same time you should think about the time your spending waiting for him to change. Hindsight is 20/20.
adamt Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I have a question for all the posters who feel remorse for having neglected their significant others, and now miss them more than ever? Have you all been in contact with your exes since the breakup? Or are you not talking to each other? Do you feel as though anything would REALLY change if you reconciled? I ask because, Im currently in a relationship, for about a year, and the guy has been very hurtful/unappreciative of me the past month or so... Now, I have had the guts to come out and TELL him that his behavior is hurting me, and he has said time and time again that he will try and be more considerate and loving.... But Im at my complete wits end, and he hurt my feelings again this weekend... And Im thinking I need to break up with him. However, I feel as though because Ive given him so many chances, that that is why he's not changing... Because he thinks he has me wrapped around his finger, and that he can treat me this way, and thall Ill stick around... this is why he hasnt made any REAL effort to change. But Im thinking that if we do in fact split up, that he would miss me terribly, and be in the same position as all of you... And as spiteful and cruel as it sounds... I want him to miss me. And see me as the one who got away... (Im just being completely honest here - please dont crucify me for it ) No i've not contacted the ex, I'm assuming she doesnt want to be contacted and if i contact her i will just get answers i dont want. I cant cope with more rejection. Tell you what, i wish my ex had broke up with me 3 months earlier when she still had feelings for me. Then leave a month apart of NC to allow both people to think about what is going wrong. Then come back and talk about it all and fix things and clear the air. We had a break but b the time she came back 3 weeks later she wanted to end it even before i had a chance to say how i would change and what i had done wrong. It would have given me a wake up call and sorted me out. The feeling of not knowing what you have lost until it has gone. It is a risky tactic but if you feel nothing else works then it might be your last hope. If nothing changes then you will break up anyway. Men get comfortable,complacent and take things for granted. We dont pick up the warning signs and little chats but we take note of serious action. Maybe he thinks you will always be there and got complacent. Don't let it drag on until you have no feelings left. Haha! now you have me wondering if my ex is thinking like you!
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