sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 To cut a long story short, about 5 years ago I embarked on an A with a MM. At the time, I fell for the traditional bollocks about how his M was "practically over" etc etc and then just over three months into the A, he told me his W was 3 months pregnant. At the time, I bought all his BS, but knowing what I know now, he must have known earlier. Thats beside the point anyway. A continued, baby was born, W found out about me (well, confirmed, I know she had her suspicions) when baby was about 4mths old, he moved out and our R continued (badly) and finally ended when I woke up and realised what a true, lying, nasty, manipulative P.O.S he was. So that ended about 3 years ago and not long afterwards I met my now husband. And haven't looked back, until now. I am now 34 weeks pregnant (to my H!) and I cannot believe how selfish, stupid, gullible and immature I was to a) fall for all his ridiculous lies and B) be party to behaviour that would certainly have caused his exW the most dreadful anxiety and stress during her pregnancy. Being pregnant is hard work, esp at this late stage, and I feel horribly guilty that she had to deal with it basically all on her own because of me. (and him, but lets face it, his conscience should have kicked in a little earlier). Towards the end of my R with her exH, we (BS & I) had a pretty civil R, and I found her to be a pretty nice person in the end. Someone I could have been friends with under different circumstances. What I want to know is- I have a really strong urge to email her and apologise. I don't really want to start a line of contact, and don't think I even want a reply, I just want her to know that I am truly sorry for putting her through that. (If only I knew then what I know now).. Should I do it, or should I just let it go?
Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I say you let it go. I think that it would probably hurt her more for you to pop up from the past then it would do her the good of an apology...which I'm sure you gave. Your pregnancy most likely triggered the guilt...which proves you're human. I think you take this as a life lesson and move on to take care of your family. It is good that you feel guilty...but I think leaving her alone is the best way to show you're sorry.
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks. And I am human! I felt bad at the time, but can only really appreciate now how tough it must have been for her now that I am pregnant myself. No doubt she has moved on. This also makes me madder at exMM too for doing it to her, but I have no wish to contact him.
Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks. And I am human! I felt bad at the time, but can only really appreciate now how tough it must have been for her now that I am pregnant myself. No doubt she has moved on. This also makes me madder at exMM too for doing it to her, but I have no wish to contact him. It should also give you confirmation that he was never the right guy for you.
boldjack Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 SB, if you apologized, during your meeting, then let it go. You now know what she went through. Live your life, accordingly.
marlena Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 What I want to know is- I have a really strong urge to email her and apologise. I don't really want to start a line of contact, and don't think I even want a reply, I just want her to know that I am truly sorry for putting her through that. (If only I knew then what I know now).. Wow!! There are times when I suffer from delayed guilt.. a sort of delayed reaction to what transpired five years ago. I, too, fell for all the lines, the charm, the promises, the timelines etc.... At the time when I was so enthralled by this two-faced, lying, cowardly piece of sh**, I couldn't fully conceive of the hurt I was causing his wife. I just didn't care. Somehow I managed to pretend that she didn't exist. It was almost as if I were under a spell. An evil spell as it turns out. Sb, let it go. It's best for all parties concerned. What's done is done. Let it rest. You don't need the stress either. There's nothing to be gained by opening up old wounds. JMO.
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Oh, I didn't need any further confirmation that he wasn't the right guy for me! I figured THAT out when we were together. I can't actually remember if I apologised to her back then or not. I think I may have? Not sure, and no way of knowing now I guess. Makes me appreciate how wonderful my H is and how lucky I am. I told him that last night. He thinks I should let it go too, looks like is the general consensus.
marlena Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Oh, I didn't need any further confirmation that he wasn't the right guy for me! I figured THAT out when we were together. At least you were smarter than I was!! But in all fairness, I sometimes think that he was as much in a dilemma as I was. He did leave many times, even lived with me for four months, but always went back under the pressure. Yes, listen to your husband. He's right. Digging this up will only renew her pain.
NoIDidn't Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Pregnancy does a real job on you, doesn't it? I remember when you were in your A and the many of us that told you that you would look back one day and say just what you said here. Its really sobering, isn't it? As a former BS, I can tell you that you don't know how she would respond unless you do something. Given that she and he divorced, I would be concerned that it would just open an old wound for her. But she might be grateful that, you thought of her and her child. I don't know. I, personally, don't recommend contacting her right now. I can't say that you are doing it out of guilt, though. It seems pretty normal to be going through such a major, life-changing event and want to clean our own *moral* slate (in stars because each person is different in what they might feel they want to be forgiven for, or want to acknowledge as a life lesson). I really am not saying "I told you so" in any way. When I found out about my H's EA, I remembered all the times that I willingly got involved with someone else's BF or fiance (did it more than once, believe it or not). I felt that it was *karma (waiting for Taramaiden.....) giving back to me what I gave to so many others. I am probably not being helpful in not telling you what I think you should do, but I do think that what you are feeling is totally normal.
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks NID, I appreciate what you are saying. It was ending the A that brought me to LS for the first time. I don't think I need her "forgiveness", or to clear my own moral slate- I have made peace with myself. Guilt may not be the right emotion, you are right. Its definitely not the ONLY emotion. Its more a realisation of the anxiety and stress she must have gone through that I could never have truly appreciated without going through pregnancy myself. Esp at this late stage, and I need my H so much at the moment for support and help doing up my shoes- she didn't have that support because selfish stupid me was banging her H. And speaking of "karma"- I don't believe in it, but if I did..... I have had my own share of stress this pregnancy, my dad died when I was about 16 weeks.
TogetherForever Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Oh, I didn't need any further confirmation that he wasn't the right guy for me! I figured THAT out when we were together. I can't actually remember if I apologised to her back then or not. I think I may have? Not sure, and no way of knowing now I guess. Makes me appreciate how wonderful my H is and how lucky I am. I told him that last night. He thinks I should let it go too, looks like is the general consensus. Yup, SB, Let it go!! Good to see you're doing so well & are sooooooo happy!!! Stay that way!!!!!!!!!!!! TF
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 And yes, these hormones most certainly do a number on you. I cried the other day because I had fallen asleep on the couch instead of cooking dinner for my H. We just ordered a pizza....
NoIDidn't Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks NID, I appreciate what you are saying. It was ending the A that brought me to LS for the first time. I don't think I need her "forgiveness", or to clear my own moral slate- I have made peace with myself. Guilt may not be the right emotion, you are right. Its definitely not the ONLY emotion. Its more a realisation of the anxiety and stress she must have gone through that I could never have truly appreciated without going through pregnancy myself. Esp at this late stage, and I need my H so much at the moment for support and help doing up my shoes- she didn't have that support because selfish stupid me was banging her H. The bolded part is what I was trying to say I think you are feeling. Ha. You said it better yourself. I definitely don't think guilt is the emotion. And it is what I felt when I was pregnant and realized that I hadn't been a good friend to the friends that had been pregnant before me. I was that typical single girlfriend that just couldn't relate until it happened to me. It wasn't that I was a horrible friend, I just could have been a better one. And I certainly understand what you are saying about the "stupid, selfish me was banging her H" part. But don't take that all on yourself. I think its far more accurate to say that her "stupid, selfish H (who knew where HE should have been) was banging you".
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Well yes, lets not let him off the hook! I have even MORE contempt for him now. What a loser. And he will never experience being pregnant so he won't get the same realisation I have. But as my H said, if it makes me appreciate him and our marriage then that can only be a good thing. I truly do- I don't know what I would do without my H at the moment. Although he draws the line at pedicures and waxing my bikini line!
bentnotbroken Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 It's part of what you feel as a mom to be. You now are actually walking in another's shoes. The overwhelming emotions of being pregnant and the protective nature that you feel all make you think of what she may have felt at the time. When my children went to school, I started to remember my teasing and bullying of certain kids. I felt overwhelming remorse and anxiety for what these children must have gone through at my hands. Did they dread going to school. Were their stomachs in knots and full of butterflies? Did they pray for me to pick on someone else that day? I still regret it. I can only ask God to forgive me and move on. Make sure that I teach my kids by telling them the wrongs I did and why I want them to behave better. Let it go. If it is still an issue for you...write a letter of apology and don't send it.
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 True, true. She probably hoped at the time that one day I would get pregnant and know how it feels. Not that I know how it feels to have a cheating H when you are pregnant, but definitely have a better appreciation of how sh*t it MIGHT feel. I keep thinking that while my actions 5 years ago were less than commendable, its a good thing to have turned around to a point where I can admit that they were wrong, and realise that I have learned some valuable life lessons. I knew when the R ended that it was a bad thing, but it helped me appreciate the next good one (H) that came along, and its just being reinforced even more now. Hopefully it will make me a better mother and wife. If only everyone who f**ked up had an opportunity to do the walk in someone elses shoes huh?
ladydesigner Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 If only everyone who f**ked up had an opportunity to do the walk in someone elses shoes huh? Yes I know I have walked in the shoes of being a BS and a WS and I am ready to put a new pair of shoes on.
Author sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I am ALWAYS ready to put a NEW pair of shoes on.... I love shoes. Now if only my feet weren't quite so swollen- its mainly flipflops for me at the moment.
Author sb129 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thought would resurrect this thread seeing as I now have had my baby, and I feel even MORE contempt and disgust for exMM. Caring for a newborn baby is hard work, and I would find it really really difficult to do this without support and help from my husband. ExMM found time to have an affair with me while his son was this tiny, and once again I find myself shaking my head in disbelief that someone could be so selfish AND that I (shamelessly) encouraged it. What a _______. (insert expletive) I thank my lucky stars AGAIN that I saw the light, ditched him and found my wonderful husband. And that I have finally realised how revolting my own behaviour was at the time.
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