Trying09 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Hello, I'm new here and have already read many threads and really like the feedback everyone gives here. I am hoping to find some direction here. I have been married for 6 years, we have a 4 year old daughter and I have tried for the last 4 years or so to keep our marriage going. About six months ago, my husband tells me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore or ever loved me how I want to be loved. He also tells me he doesn’t want anymore kids. I knew there was something wrong in our relationship and have known for a long time. I went through all the phases...denial, anger, hurt, and resignation. I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to get the next chapter started. I was thankful to him for seeing there was a problem as well and admitting what he was feeling. I thought we were in a good place. Then this weekend he comes home (he travels for work) and tells me he's changed his mind. That he misses me and doesn't want to lose me. That he will consider having more kids and will do anything to keep me. I'm angry by this. I've tried for several years to do something to make our relationship work. Now that it really is coming to an end. Now that he is faced with the fact that he won't have me....now he's willing to work on it? Now I have to look like the bad guy and ultimately say it’s over. I get that a marriage as well as a divorce is a two way street. I understand that this is not all his fault or doing, that I have many faults of my own. But in our relationship I’ve always made the family decisions, I’ve stuck by him when he lost or quit his jobs. I've stuck by him when he was depressed and moody. I cared for him when he was sick and down. I asked him to give me something in return and got next to nothing. Now he wants to make it work, now that he really does see me moving forward with this he doesn't want to let me go?! Do I have a right to be angry? Or am I missing something here? I really don’t think there is hope for us. And I would rather end it now while there is no hate between us.....I'm just confused by his change in heart. Is it a change in heart or is he just afraid of being alone? Six years is a long time, a child between us is a big factor...but can I go back and pretend everything is ok? Should I even try when I know that when I look at him...there’s nothing left for me? No future. Tired and confused.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 If you don't still love him then tell him you want to move on but if you do try some MC. I think you have your path made up and no you will not be the bad guy for saying that he can't just see saw on what he wants...Do what is best for you and your DD and things will be okay. I respect the way that you took his news and didn't fight him (most of us instinctivly fight) that is why he can see that he is wrong you know.
lupa Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 If you don't still love him then tell him you want to move on but if you do try some MC. I think you have your path made up and no you will not be the bad guy for saying that he can't just see saw on what he wants...Do what is best for you and your DD and things will be okay. I respect the way that you took his news and didn't fight him (most of us instinctivly fight) that is why he can see that he is wrong you know. I'd say try marriage counseling either way. NOT A THERAPIST, but a trained marriage counselor. Trust me on that one...you don't want to focus on the past. The reasoning is this...if you've been in this for years and it isn't working, what is trying for a few more months going to hurt? You already know you can leave, but don't you think you should try one last time to stay? That way if it doesn't work out, you'll both know you did everything you could...and then you both can have closure. Take this from a guy who will never have any closure, even though I'm already kind of moving on...I will have a hole in me that will last a lifetime, and that isn't fair to anyone. Give it one last shot, give it your all...then pull the trigger if it isn't meant to be.
2.50 a gallon Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 How far along is the moving on? Have you filed? What about living status, are you planning on moving out? I understand you being weary of his new approach. It sounds as if he feels he has lost you and wants to reclaim his territory. Actions speak louder than words. He would consider having another child over he wants another child. And if he does changes his ways, how long is that going to last? Are you going to have to go through the labor of detaching again, a year or two down the road?
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 You try too much. You're going to have to let give eachother room. You both need to stop expecting everything and learn to communicate. Both of you. Now you may not need to try any harder, just relax and be cool and give it time. You may be able to get to a place where he respects, admires, and desires you. The less you try, the more he will. This situation took 4 years to create. It will take many months, possibly years to fix. It's all about your mindset and your ability to look past his faults, because we all have faults, and remember the reason you married him. This could be next to impossible at the moment, because you are deeply immersed in the negatives of the current situation. You're "rewriting history". Men only understand the consequences of losing someone before they are willing to take action. Something has to be "broken". Let him know it's broken but give the man a chance through counseling, etc. For the sake of your children, you owe your marriage a 2nd chance.
Author Trying09 Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 Thanks everyone for your advise and concern! I'm a strong person...it will work out the way it should and all will be well.
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