My ex is so convincing!

[bluewolf17]

I am just back and forth on this!

 

My EX and I broke up in February. Neither of us has dated anyone else. I BROKE UP WITH HIM. I regretted it right away (within a few days) and did everything I could think of to get him back. He never told me he didn't love me anymore, never said to get lost. He just told me how hurt he was, and how he "doesn't know".

 

One thing is clear from him, he wants me in his life. I know I won't get a lot of sympathy here, but I really did try everything, begging, pleading, crying, waiting. In the end he still didn't have a a solid answer.

 

Because of this, THREE times, I told him how his indecision hurts me, and he needs to make up his mind or just let me go. We would go as long as 3 weeks everytime, before he would contact me again, wanting to see me.

 

By the third time, I figured he wasn't going to change his mind, and "I don't know" is no. So I told him again that if he didn't love me enough to want me, then care enough to let me move on. It's already been 6 months and I still am sad about it.

 

So about a week goes by, and he calls me at work telling me how I'm impatient, and our R is not "black and white". There are shades of Gray. He said I wanted everything back right away, and couldn't be patient. In that conversation there was a lot of yelling.. mostly from him. I think he was getting things of his chest.

 

So two nights ago, he calls me up and is pretty upset. He said it's not fair how I can just break up with him, then want him back, but only on my terms. He said he has done things to improve himself, and he really cares for me. He said he doesn't know what will happen with us, but he does think there is a really good chance we are going to work out. He tells me how his friends and family love me and want us back together. I told him how hard it is to just be friends. And he has done some things that convinced me that he didn't want to get back with me. He just said he wants to talk with me, to see me. He said he is always the one to contact me, and that he thinks we have somthing really good. We laughed later, and talked for 90 mintues.

 

At the end of the conversation, he told me that he probably would contact me again, but he wants ME to contact him if I think we could try to get to know eachother again. He said if I can't do that, he understands, but he hopes I would. I joked and said "well that's a lot of pressure". He said that I have been pressuring him for a right away reconciliation...but it's been 6 months.

 

What do you guys think? I know he cares and misses me, I just worry that it will end up being the same thing...lukewarm interest from him, and me being sad and wondering when he will "figure it out". BTW, no physical stuff since the breakup, no cheating, I am 26 he's 27. Together 3.5 years. I broke up with him because we hit a rough patch and had been unhappy for a few months (and he was unhappy too).

 

Please help me out!

[N.Colony]

Here is what I think. He still loves and cares for you, but he's afraid. He's afraid you might hurt him again and he probably doesn't want to deal with it again. He's confused--torn between desire and potential pain.

[Funky]

Sounds a bit like my story... Honestly for me if she would come back I would be extatic, but obviously there would be things that would need to be discussed.

 

I've learned a lot in the last month since we broke up and you probably both have as well... I think that people grow up when they go threw break ups and realise what would make them a better person for the other person... It's a lot of give and take in a relationship, but as long as there is love and being able to comprimise for the other person, everything can be worked out.

[bluewolf17]

What should I do? Call him and tell him that I am willing to try taking things slow and seeing where they go? I really do want it to work. I have missed him so much.

 

And we have addressed where we think the R went bad. I just don't understand why if he really misses me and cares for me, he doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

 

I'm afraid I will just get strung along again.

[Funky]

Here is what I think. He still loves and cares for you, but he's afraid. He's afraid you might hurt him again and he probably doesn't want to deal with it again. He's confused--torn between desire and potential pain.

 

Defenitly agree with this statement because I think that's how my ex feels about us to a certain extent. It's hard to convince someone that you have changed, but actions speak louder then words and I've been doing both.

[Funky]

I would call and ask if he would like to go out sometime and talk about things. I think that you both need to sit down and put all your cards on the table, honesty works best and clears the mind.

 

that's what I did and it helped my emotions a lot. we are still not back together but she knows how I feel and I know how she feels

[writergal]

What exactly are you going back and forth about? You broke up with him. Then you tell him you want to get back together with him, but only on the conditions that you set.

 

Not only is that unfair to him but its selfish of you.

 

At this point, you need to leave your ex-bf alone and not be so demanding. Relationships are a two-way street. He is afraid you will hurt him again which I think is a totally reasonable fear to have, considering how controlling you've been already; breaking up with him, then setting conditions for which only you'll get back together with him.

 

Right now your ex-bf doesn't trust your true intentions based on your actions. The only way you can get him back is to earn his trust again AND do so without setting any "conditions" for him to meet. Conditions are different than boundaries, by the way. It is fine to establish or re-establish boundaries for a reconciliation to work but conditions are one-sided, whereas boundaries should be agreed upon by both people. And your ex-bf probably has some boundaries he'd like you to respect too.

 

Earning back your ex-bf's trust is going to take time. And that means you have to show patience, and a lot of restraint from any impulsive behavior. You can't force him to take you back and for everything to be as it was. The past is the past. Your previous relationship with your ex is over. You will never get that back. However, you can try to build on the good things about your relationship and rebuild a new one together, but you both have to be on the same page; go at the same pace, together. You cannot force him to think or feel what you do, at the moment you do.

 

Good luck!

[NopeNah]

I agree that he may be scared of getting hurt again. I think you should call him. Don't go back to the 'make a decision now' type thing. Just go at it with low-no expectations/pressure and see what happens. Take it slow as there's no reason that you have to rush/rush him straight back into a full blown relationship. It do, what it do.

[bluewolf17]

You guys are right. But you know how it is. When you love someone, it's so hard to just be friends. I keep hoping for more..

 

I'm trying not to be selfish.. I know I broke up with him in the first place. It's just so hard when he tells me he doesn't know what he wants, and when we do start talking..it's always I hear from him one week, not the next, then a call here and there. It's so hard not knowing where I stand. I have been very consistant since we broke up. I made it clear I wanted him and only him, and I made a big mistake. As more time goes by I just try not to think that another 4 months, he may just say he has made up his mind, and it's no. I guess that's what I deserve if it happens

 

The last time I tried to be just friends (back in June) I ended up being so uptight and anxious..and I am sure I did pressure him. I don't want to do that..I do want to take it slow and have a better R this time around. I just wish it didn't take so long. Actually, I wish I had never broken up with him.

[northstar1]

Are you looking to maybe give it another go because you are lonely and miss him/the intimacy/attention, or because you truly think it can work again?

 

What has changed that will make it work this time around? You need to think about if things will truly be new, or back down the same old garden path.

 

PS. Isn't this the ex who was boring in bed?

[bluewolf17]

Yes..he was a little boring in bed But that's not all what its about.

 

We broke up after he became unemployed for the 6-7th time. He has a problem with motivation and showing up to work. He basically didn't want to work, but wouldn't try to go to school. Around the time when he lost his last job he got really depressed and kind of just gave up. Didn't do anything, wouldn't leave the house. I am the opposite of him, and I tried to motivate him..but he would become resentful of me..I am not sure why.

 

Since the break up he applied at my college and goes there. He just finished his second term and is doing really well. He graduates next year with a English degree. He is also seeing a therapist for his depression. I learned that I can be very impulsive..and stubborn.

 

I'm not just lonely. I miss his companionship, I realize that he was someone I thought I would marry, and I dumped him after a big fight. Everytime I see him or talk to him, I am reminded of how much I regret the break up.

 

So I do want to do things right and take me time..I just hope my heart will stay out of it...and just use my head.

[northstar1]

Fair enough bluewolf. As long as you are going into this with eyes wide open and that he may truly have found some motivation in life to start a career. As long as it isn't a false start for him and he carries on and doesn't drag you down.