betrayed1 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I have possted here several times about my chatting fiance that wont seem to stop. I really dont want to leave him, but all trust is gone and it is starting to affect my self esteem. We have been to gether for about 5 years and both have put on quite a bit of weight. i was a size 10 when I met him and now am a size 20. He had loosened up the belt quite a bit too. He is always too tired or stressed out for sex with me although we do it about twice a month. He has promised me to stop sex chatting with women on yahoo on several occasions. We'll I caught him sex chatting AGAIN online as soon as I left the house. (he had the day off). BIG blow out that night and he promises to never to it again now that he see's what it is doing to me. My problem is how can I restore my trust? I have lost my self esteem feeling that he is interested in ANY tramp out there but not in me. I don't even want to initiate sex anymore because I feel that he doesn't desire me. Only those internet tramps. How to I pick myself up and keep going forward. Any advise please.
MSUE Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 if he has more interesting in internet sex than you...and you only do it twice a month...there's something seriously wrong with that pix...one thing is porn an another jumping on that wagon...twice a month is a problem unless you have a seriously low sex drive...anyhow I would put that wedding on hold...he's just not that into you...maybe there are things you can do to spice things up...maybe he no longer has interest cause he is bored of the same crap each time...how about you doing the dirty talk for him in sexy lingerie...get your sex life back whatever it takes...it'll help stop this problem...I would be livid if I caught my BF doing such thing...I'd be so furious...to me that's cheating
seibert253 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Wanna know why he keeps doing it, it's really simple. You have not laid out any consequences for his actions. You need to have a heart to heart conversation with him. Tell him he has a problem and you want to help him overcome it. You will help him if he wishes, but you will no longer tolorate this. If he again engages in this behavior, your relationship is over. Sex chatting, porn, it's all a form of sexual addiction and he's an addict. Plain and simple. He cannot overcome this addction on his own. He needs help, he needs counseling, he needs an accountability partner.
vox Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 So, wait. Let me get this right, you go up 10 dress sizes, nag him that he doesn't find you attractive anymore because you went up 10 dress sizes and you're somehow surprised that your sex life is gone? You know why they call it self-esteem? Because it comes from within. You're not mad at him about those women. Well, I shouldn't say that. I'm sure you are on some level. You're upset and scared because you feel you have to compete. And you are competing. But not with them. With who you used to be, you know, the way thinner, happier, confident girlfriend who didn't nag and scream and cry at him all the time. If you want to restore your confidence, then make good choices for yourself. Don't blame your man because you got fat and nag and he doesn't want to deal with it. Stop eating so much. Make healthy food choices. Go to the gym. Go hiking. Take ACTIVE, REAL steps to restore your SELF-confidence because nothing he does is going to bolster it or take it away. That's all you, babe.
Author betrayed1 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thank you for the advice. In my outrage, I told him that we need to go to counciling. He told me to set it up, but I know he would not go. I have given him ultimatums in the past but I cant get myself to follow though. (such as it is over next time, or I will leave) but I never have the guts to do so. As for the lingirie and sexy talk, he wont participate. I tried to have sexy phone sex with him while he was out of town, but he doesn't play along....I guess no thrill in doing that with someone you live with. I have real body issue problems and cant see myself putting on the lacy lingirie I used to several years ago. I just feel fat and hate my body now. I used to feel like one sexy mamma.....but now I just feel like the one who does the dishes and laundry. We both work 9-5 type hours and our usual routine is to come home, eat, and watch TV til the news comes on. Then we just go to bed because he says he is to tired for sex. I am always the initiater and don't even want to initiate anymore if "he is just not into me". Maybe we have just become to routine and familiar.
vox Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Thank you for the advice. In my outrage, I told him that we need to go to counciling. He told me to set it up, but I know he would not go. I have given him ultimatums in the past but I cant get myself to follow though. (such as it is over next time, or I will leave) but I never have the guts to do so. As for the lingirie and sexy talk, he wont participate. I tried to have sexy phone sex with him while he was out of town, but he doesn't play along....I guess no thrill in doing that with someone you live with. I have real body issue problems and cant see myself putting on the lacy lingirie I used to several years ago. I just feel fat and hate my body now. I used to feel like one sexy mamma.....but now I just feel like the one who does the dishes and laundry. We both work 9-5 type hours and our usual routine is to come home, eat, and watch TV til the news comes on. Then we just go to bed because he says he is to tired for sex. I am always the initiater and don't even want to initiate anymore if "he is just not into me". Maybe we have just become to routine and familiar. See what I bolded? That's not coming from him. That's coming from you. You need to take responsibility for yourself (just as he needs to take responsibility for himself) and make better choices. Join a gym, get a personal trainer or a few sessions with them to get a good workout/realistic goals and get healthy. Eat better, try new things: museums, restaurants, classes. You both have become a LTR worst nightmare. The relationship basically sucked all the life out of both of you. Time to get a little bit of that light back.
Author betrayed1 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Vox, I can see your view on this, but maybe I left out some details on what I have been through. I bought a business for this guy......his dream job with my divorce money. (a bar and restaurant) His driking problem ran it into the ground (I had a full time job and this was suposed to be his responsibilty) He blames ME for the whole meltdown of the business because I did not come home from my daytime job and work there. His entire view of "having fun" is DRINKING. So yes, all that booze sure packed on the pounds not to mention the financial ruin I am still struggling with. I try to go on a diet....and all I get is "lets go out for sme dirnks" or I made Noodles and bread for dinner. Yes you are right......I have gotten lazy. And I have to change that right now. It still doesnt change the fact that if you are engaged then you don't Sex Chat with every ho bag on the internet. Say you are going to stop...see how it is affecting someone you say you love, and then keep doing it. Maybe HE has the self- esteem problem. I see it in a different light now a bit.
Author betrayed1 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Vox, I know you are trying to help me......I need a slap into reality. I just don't know where to start. you are right....all the life has been sucked out of me. Who knows, maybe all this crap has just gotten me depressed. Vox, where do I even start.
vox Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Vox, I can see your view on this, but maybe I left out some details on what I have been through. I bought a business for this guy......his dream job with my divorce money. (a bar and restaurant) His driking problem ran it into the ground (I had a full time job and this was suposed to be his responsibilty) He blames ME for the whole meltdown of the business because I did not come home from my daytime job and work there. His entire view of "having fun" is DRINKING. So yes, all that booze sure packed on the pounds not to mention the financial ruin I am still struggling with. I try to go on a diet....and all I get is "lets go out for sme dirnks" or I made Noodles and bread for dinner. Yes you are right......I have gotten lazy. And I have to change that right now. It still doesnt change the fact that if you are engaged then you don't Sex Chat with every ho bag on the internet. Say you are going to stop...see how it is affecting someone you say you love, and then keep doing it. Maybe HE has the self- esteem problem. I see it in a different light now a bit. Wow, knowing that, I'd leave. Nothing's more exciting than a bitter blameless fat alcoholic. Sex is honestly the least of your problems. I still think you should just make good choices for yourself though, even just to get yourself back on your feet.
Author betrayed1 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Wow, knowing that, I'd leave. Nothing's more exciting than a bitter blameless fat alcoholic. Sex is honestly the least of your problems. I still think you should just make good choices for yourself though, even just to get yourself back on your feet. so are you calling ME the bitter blameless fat alchoholic?
vox Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 so are you calling ME the bitter blameless fat alchoholic? Oh my goodness no! Him! He sounds like a total waste of carbon right now.
Author betrayed1 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Vox, see what I mean.....there goes my lack of self esteem again. Where do I start to clean all this up? I am so far from where I want to be.
vox Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Vox, see what I mean.....there goes my lack of self esteem again. Where do I start to clean all this up? I am so far from where I want to be. In the past, I had let myself go. I'm 6'6" and I ballooned up to over 270#. I looked and felt awful. I started with small changes, and on the Sunday of each new week, I added one small change onto the ones I had already made. I started with cutting out soda in favor of crystal lite. Next week I removed potatoes. Next week, I started working out. Week after that I went into removing pastas, etc, etc, etc. You build on progress because to try to move the world and expect a miracle overnight will get you nowhere but broken and dispirited, going right back into bad habits. But you know the Butterfly Effect? The smallest little change somewhere can make a huge impact elsewhere? It's like that. It's going to take real time. It's not going to be easy. But if you really are committed, you'll start to truly FEEL better and have that desire to do better almost immediately. You're worth it.
65tr6 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Vox, see what I mean.....there goes my lack of self esteem again. Where do I start to clean all this up? I am so far from where I want to be. betrayed...read Vox's posts again ! (S)he is right on the money and PLEASE stop feeling sorry for yourself. First of all, you don't need your fiance. You really need to work on yourself. How about you set yourself little goals. For example....go back to size 10 to begin with ? Start reading books, take up a new hobby ? Put your wedding on hold until you are ready for it. Right now, you are not. You have lot of work to do..first on yourself. Start building your self-esteem. You have more power than you think. List three things you want to accomplish in the next 2 months and go all out to accomplish those. Start journaling. Like vox said, start making little changes in life if you cannot bite it in chunks (sorry not trying to be funny here).
Recommended Posts