MSUE Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 sorry guys a lil long http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196469/ my BF's mom is an alcoholic and an angry drunk to say the least...right now I'm not talking to her due to a temper tantrum she had with me and due to every insult possible under the sun that she threw at me...she is very evil and judgmental when she is drunk one time my BF printed info on alcoholism and we put copies everywhere...in her car, on the bed, on the kitchen table and so on...its been a couple months now since I stopped talking to her and in the mean time my BF and I have accomplished a lot...individually and as a couple...we moved out of our first apt which was very small and not the greatest now he have this beautiful apt that is 3 times the size of the old one and I would like for her to drop this BS and see it because she would be very proud of her son...truly he has accomplished so much career wise since he's the one working his ass off and making more than enough to support us and then some ..as I don't work full-time ...I'm already thinking OMG holidays are around the corner and its going to be the same as last year...I didn't talk to her for months because of another drunken temper tantrum she had in which she got physical with me...yeap that was a good one last year we had thanksgiving dinner with his dad and GF...this year we have already decided that we will have it here just the 2 of us since we love our new home..also neither one of us have family here...he has his parents but they are divorced and that's it...and my entire family is in PR...well this is an issue because if she doesn't come over for dinner she will be completely on her own since she has cut all ties with old friends since the D all she does is work and drink ...truthfully it makes me sad but at the same time my BF and I are a family now and I'm standing my ground on this one...she hurt me so much I cried for days and I know that she will never apologize...so thenn what? here's the ? for you guys should I swallow my pride and apologize for something I didn't just just so she can spend the holiday with us? he is her only son Should I stand my ground since she really screwed up and she is 110% at fault? her Bday is 12/13 last year I just sent a very plain card that said nothing but Happy Bday Xmas...last year my BF and I spent Xmas eve at home ...she was alone home with her bottle as usual making angry calls to us...we just stopped answering the phone at that point...but my BF and I came the to the agreement that he would spend 3 hours w her on Xmas day also I told my BF that no gifts for me are welcome...she has a tendency to throw shi* on your face I know some of you may feel as I'm thinking way ahead of time but I know from here till then nothing will change...as far as her behavior goes with me since she is never wrong and she has never apologized for anything even when its ridiculously clear she is so so wrong What should I do??? I'm clueless and my BF understands how I feel and supports either way...still I don't know what to do
donnamaybe Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Oh, hon, that's a tough one. I would have to defer to the BF as to what he would like to see happen. If he agrees with you that the situation will merely end in yet another drunken, hateful rant from mom, then perhaps it is best if you just pretend, as best you can, that she doesn't exist. UNTIL she is willing to take responsibility and do something about her problem.
Author MSUE Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Oh, hon, that's a tough one. I would have to defer to the BF as to what he would like to see happen. If he agrees with you that the situation will merely end in yet another drunken, hateful rant from mom, then perhaps it is best if you just pretend, as best you can, that she doesn't exist. UNTIL she is willing to take responsibility and do something about her problem. I mean he says he supports me either way...I know a part of him wants her to share holidays with us because he is the only thing she has here...everyone in her family lives in South Carolina...she always threatens him saying she will move down south she thinks that my BF will be devastated but the reality is we want her to move!!!he's dying for her to move as it would be the healthiest thing for her... be with her family and for someone to realize her alcoholism and maybe she will listen ...she didn't even knew we moved till yesterday...I'm sure she is upset cause she used to talk to my BF several times a day and since this incident she only calls once a week or so...my BF usually doesn't call her back at nigh as we know she is already drunk with her boxing gloves on makes no difference though cause I will not welcome her for the time being...its really sad though...truly sad this is not what I wanted...I wanted all of us to be a family
Author MSUE Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 guys help me with suggestions as of what to do
dreamergrl Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 You need to have a long good sit down talk with your bf and figure things out together. Don't do something you'll resent later on.
donnamaybe Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 When she starts in on you, does your BF put her in her place immediately?
silverfish Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 If you do decide to spend time with her, how about you go out somewhere altogether in the day time somewhere neutral. In public she's unlikely to behave so badly. You also both have an easy escape route. Just make it a couple of hours 'duty' thing maybe?
Author MSUE Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 You need to have a long good sit down talk with your bf and figure things out together. Don't do something you'll resent later on. I did have a sit down with him recently I also pointed out to him that holidays are around the corner cause time flies...I asked him what does he think we should do...he really doesn't have a straight answer...other than "babe whatever you want I'm fine you've already disowned her and you are not at fault by any means... she is and she will never recognize that or apologize" also since this incident she has distanced herself from him big time...all cause while this happened he looked at me got up and we both said ok time to go home as soon as she lost it...she wants him to take her side and that's not happening..she is a master manipulator she even tells my BF that with all the stress he causes her its going to make her cancer come back...yeap he's gotten himself in some trouble with the law and whatnot but this so called stress is not warranted ...I'll give an example we went out to dinner last year for his Bday and there was a big storm that night we didn't care is just rain and thunder...it was a date...at ahigh end mexican place there was a mariachi playing plus all the thunder noise...we had both put our phones on silent...well she called us a total of 12 times when we got the check we realized the missed calls and called her immediately ...and here we go again another drunken rage episode about how we don't care about her that she was panicking and that her cancer is coming back...at all this if she was so concerned she could have driven to the restaurant which was only 15 mins from her house she is such a sick woman...but when sober she really is a great person...she's not sober that often...last summer I was digging the bud light limes and we were grilling almost every night...nobody in the house drinks them but me...in fact she said to me Meliss I bought you those beers you like I was like oh Thank You you didn't need to do that and then we took some in the car cause we were going to a friends house...and when we came back she accused me of stealing her beer!!!!! WTF she doesn't even drnk them or like them I can try and suck it up but the problem is I'm a terrible actress LOL and I have the kind of eyes that can't lie...I'd have to wear sunglasses at the table LOL
Author MSUE Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 If you do decide to spend time with her, how about you go out somewhere altogether in the day time somewhere neutral. In public she's unlikely to behave so badly. You also both have an easy escape route. Just make it a couple of hours 'duty' thing maybe? This is a great idea...this way I can just walk away when she gets out of hand...I just don't know how to even approach after all she's done to me how do I even talk to her when deep down I'm so hurt... how can my BF calm her down and add some perspective ? all she has is her son here everyone else in her family is in South Carolina...my BF and I have even discussed getting her a plane tix as a "Holiday gift" but truly we just want to enjoy holidays in our new home with our pets and our xmas tree haha w her out of the way cause she will be home again drinking a big big bottle of wine and drunk dialing us...
Author MSUE Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 When she starts in on you, does your BF put her in her place immediately? yeap he does...last year he lost it on her though cause he was trying to heat up some food and while at it he saw her get up from the couch charging at me and cornered me in between 2 doors and grab my arm and hurt me...I had a few bruises from that incident...and my BF has a temper as it is he came running after her pulling her away from me but she just would not stop so he grab her bottle of wine and shattered it in a million pieces it distracted her and he was able to pull me away from the doors and her this time around he was more calm an collected ...he simply looked at her looked at me and said ok not what we came here for...time to go home after a couple days he mentioned it to her but she just avoided the topic alltogether...till this day we are wondering if she evens remembers the whole thing
donnamaybe Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 yeap he does...last year he lost it on her though cause he was trying to heat up some food and while at it he saw her get up from the couch charging at me and cornered me in between 2 doors and grab my arm and hurt me...I had a few bruises from that incident...and my BF has a temper as it is he came running after her pulling her away from me but she just would not stop so he grab her bottle of wine and shattered it in a million pieces it distracted her and he was able to pull me away from the doors and her this time around he was more calm an collected ...he simply looked at her looked at me and said ok not what we came here for...time to go home after a couple days he mentioned it to her but she just avoided the topic alltogether...till this day we are wondering if she evens remembers the whole thing Now that first paragraph is certainly enough reason to completely avoid her. What if things get heated again, mom gets physical, your BF comes to your aid, and the cops get called? He may wind up in jail. They often take the man to jail and then sort things out later. You and he should talk about this and come to an agreement, and if I were you I would want to completely avoid her just to protect yourselves.
Author MSUE Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 the cops get called? He may wind up in jail. They often take the man to jail and then sort things out later. You and he should talk about this and come to an agreement, and if I were you I would want to completely avoid her just to protect yourselves. funny you say this...she did call the cops but it was too late she called the day after and we weren't there nor were there any witnesses so basically all they did was listen to her I'm assuming not to be rude...he went and got whatever items he had at her house with a police escort that she had asked for...that's about it...I wanted to go the station and press charges on her but then after calming down I was like hmmm... she's just a drunk my BF is on probation too so any tiny lil thing that he does "wrong" obviously with proof that is ...means 5 years in the slammer so we really are avoiding her right now...my BF has not gone to her house since can't trust a drunk even if its his mother
Author MSUE Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 The soft side of me is like wow she is going to have to spend the holidays by herself...how sad...truly by herself she has no friends no family here nothing...but the rational side says I must be nuts to even have her over...or even bother trying to get a relationship back in track with her ...the cycle will repeat itself...like it always has
donnamaybe Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Then, by all means, avoid her like the plague until she is ready to take responsibility for her alcoholism and go to treatment.
Author MSUE Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I've been avoiding her but I feel like that's only a short term fix...what am I going to do long term with her? I mean we are planning on a baby next year...granted I wouldn't want her drunk ass anywhere near my child...but how sad would that be? I need to have a long term solution someway somehow and my BF doesn't have a straight answer other than the usual whatever you think its best hun
lovesacks Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I've been avoiding her but I feel like that's only a short term fix...what am I going to do long term with her? I mean we are planning on a baby next year...granted I wouldn't want her drunk ass anywhere near my child...but how sad would that be? I need to have a long term solution someway somehow and my BF doesn't have a straight answer other than the usual whatever you think its best hun You know, if you knew the lady was a full fledged alcoholic when you started dating your bf, maybe you should have thought about it a little more. you are not dating his mom, but she is a part of his life, and alcoholism of the worst kind if something difficult to deal with. you have accepted your bf into your life, and sorry to say his mom as well so i think you are going to have to just deal with it. it won't be easy but you can't just shut her out. well you can, but that's not right. some people who may have known his mom was this bad to begin with, would have quit dating him if she was so bothersome, even though yes they are not dating his mom. its just a really bad thing to deal with it. anyway, you have stuck around so what else can be done. you have to wait until she gets help. i don't know if keeping her grandchild away is going to be good she'll probably become more angry
Author MSUE Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 You know, if you knew the lady was a full fledged alcoholic when you started dating your bf, maybe you should have thought about it a little more. you are not dating his mom, but she is a part of his life, and alcoholism of the worst kind if something difficult to deal with. you have accepted your bf into your life, and sorry to say his mom as well so i think you are going to have to just deal with it. some people who may have known his mom was this bad to begin with, would have quit dating him if she was so bothersome, even though yes they are not dating his mom. its just a really bad thing to deal with it. anyway, you have stuck around so what else can be done. you have to wait until she gets help. i don't know if keeping her grandchild away is going to be good she'll probably become more angry of course I didn't know she's excellent at hiding it...but by the time I figured it out I was too deeply in love and had invested a lot in the R...I was not going to walk away from him who at least for now is the love of my life and I say that because who knows what the future brings but that its how I feel about him in the here and now I have no clue what to do with this woman...even my BF didn't realize the extent of her alcohol abuse ...till one day about a year and a half ago or so she was at work( she is a maid for one of the wealthiest families in the county) anyhow she was cleaning one of their homes and she called my BF at like noon and asked him to go buy a bottle of wine for her He used to live with her and I would spend nights there very often and i would wake up at like 2 am to use the bathroom and will find her in the kitchen w a glass handy my BF and I want to have a family and I don't think we should put our goals and future on hold till she gets help because frankly that day may never come but i can't fully accept her in my life either I just don't know wtf to do...I did write her a letter after this last incident and I let her know how she made me feel and I for once stood up for myself and targeted every insult she threw at me with an appropriate response to the point but wout being a biatch i also wrote on the envelope to please not call or write back if it won't be in good terms..this was several weeks ago...obviously she decided to keep this drama going...I gave her the option in my letter to drop all this ...she has decided not to...she is 59 years old!!! grow up...she is also a master manipulator she used to have such a strong hold on my BF and now that has ended because we are our own family and I know in a way she resents me for that...I took him away from her...that's how hwr mind functions
D-Lish Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 You can and you should shut her out until she quits drinking. Otherwise, as past experiences have taught you- you are at risk. This is a choice she has made for herself, consequences and all. Bad behaviour due to a drunken stupor isn't an acceptable excuse. I think your bf needs to tell her that he is willing to support her whole-heartedly~ in aiding in her recovery. BUT, he is no longer willing to enable and reward her behaviour with your visits. You aren't abondoning her~ she abondoned everyone (including herself) when she chose the bottle over her family. As long as she is drinking, you are in danger of being her verbal/physical punching bag. You can't make her see this, she has to see this for herself.
Author MSUE Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 D-lish you are so so right its just a part of me feels so bad for her and how lonely she truly is...but she has done it all to herself like you said...and my BF is all she has...but instead of taking accountability for what she did...she distanced herself from him as well...and I know that is all a manipulating scheme but ultimately she is the one losing here because he has stayed by my side I know that her not calling a few times a day like she used to is her attempt to get him to call her often and come to her so that she feels he is by her side on this one but its not happening...and Holidays will come and its still going to be the same...she's going to have to find someone else to eat that turkey with cause till she figures something out she is not welcomed in my home...thank you all for your input
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