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Posted

I really don't understand all these threads of people being paranoid, or jealous about things their SO/H/W/partner/BF/GF does.

 

Now, I realize I come at this from a fundamental mental/emotional place, having Asperger's Syndrome, but let's examine this logically:

 

I am confident, mature, intelligent, attractive, SELF-SECURE and self-reliant. Because I know that I can do anything I set my mind to, have anyone I want and believe I bring a great deal to the table for a prospective partner, I do not get jealous. My goal for any relationship is that I want true honesty over things like (to me) outmoded and unrealistic concepts like monogamy.

 

If I love someone, I want him to thrive. I want him to learn and grow and experience everything life has to offer; some of those things with me, and some of those things on his own. Just because I'm in a relationship with someone, that doesn't mean I own him, or put demands on him to have eyes only for me, not to look at other people, or not to flirt with other people.

 

I don't own him. I'm not taking prisoners in the hope of finding that one true person, SO I WILL NEVER LET HIM GO NO MATTER WHAT SO I WON'T DIE OLD AND ALONE OMG.

 

In my estimation, I'd much rather my partner be comfortable and trusting in me knowing he could come to me and tell me anything. Most people would (and do, if this board and ENA are any indication) react totally inappropriately and frankly selfishly if and when a partner says "I think I may need to, or we may need to explore other sexual avenues." I want him to come to me and tell me that, because if he's not getting something he needs, or something he thinks as an experience will enrich his life, I want him to have that.

 

Otherwise, it gets buried and ends up like the literal thousands of threads here about cheating and infidelity. Physically speaking, being with one person sexually forever is not realistic, and frankly, clearly, DOES NOT WORK.

 

I mean, think about it. You could be in a relationship for 10 years. This person may have stuck with you through thick and thin. Been there for you in ways no one else was, or could be. Supported you financially when you were unable and allowed you to be there when he/she needed it too. And some of you yahoo crackers would up and divorce/dump this person if they happened to kiss someone else or sleep with someone else, or even bring up the possibility?

 

I think most of you people don't look at things logically. You're too busy wanting to be told how awesome you are and basically be a smug married (thank you, Bridget Jones) when you really should be smart enough, humble enough and brave enough to understand that the universe of your partner should not, and won't ever begin and end with you. To suggest otherwise, implies a culturally accepted, but really unhealthy and sad nonetheless, narcissism.

 

I've rambled on here, but basically, I think you people need to stop using your neuroses and insecurities to rule the roost on how you approach relationships and truly look at things objectively.

 

What do YOU think? Am I just a whore? A crazy autistic? Or might there actually be something to what I'm proposing?

Posted
I think you people need to stop using your neuroses and insecurities to rule the roost on how you approach relationships and truly look at things objectively.

 

And then rainbows will explode in the sky, and pink unicorns will dance in harmony.

 

It doesn't work like that.

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Posted
And then rainbows will explode in the sky, and pink unicorns will dance in harmony.

 

People don't function like this.

 

Sorry, but I'm not an apologist for rye human folly. People could at least make the attempt. It's not like it isn't in their best interest.

Posted

If I may ask, are you in a relationship right now?

 

You're right in a lot of ways. If only it were so easy for all of us to be logical. I won't be able to answer for everyone who struggles with jealousy. I can only speak for me. I don't really struggle with jealousy because I like you, have figured out that I'm a pretty good catch. I'm comfortable being alone. I'm happy with who I am. I do however, struggle with paranoia in my relationship. A paranoia that was brought out through my fiance being an incurable and shameless flirt and kind of an attention whore. Sometimes out in the open. Sometimes (when it's something that would hurt me), he'd go to great lengths to hide it. Thus, creating a trust issue.

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Posted
If I may ask, are you in a relationship right now?

 

You're right in a lot of ways. If only it were so easy for all of us to be logical. I won't be able to answer for everyone who struggles with jealousy. I can only speak for me. I don't really struggle with jealousy because I like you, have figured out that I'm a pretty good catch. I'm comfortable being alone. I'm happy with who I am. I do however, struggle with paranoia in my relationship. A paranoia that was brought out through my fiance being an incurable and shameless flirt and kind of an attention whore. Sometimes out in the open. Sometimes (when it's something that would hurt me), he'd go to great lengths to hide it. Thus, creating a trust issue.

 

Yes, I am in a relationship. 4 years in November. We're about as fundamentally different as two people could be in just about every way, but we love each other. But, just as dealing with my wanderlust and HFA perspectives is hard for him, his staunch and unbending traditionalism is utterly stifling to me.

Posted
Sorry, but I'm not an apologist for rye human folly. People could at least make the attempt. It's not like it isn't in their best interest.

 

'People' never do. Some individuals might. There are successful and less successful open relationships.

Posted
Yes, I am in a relationship. 4 years in November. We're about as fundamentally different as two people could be in just about every way, but we love each other. But, just as dealing with my wanderlust and HFA perspectives is hard for him, his staunch and unbending traditionalism is utterly stifling to me.

 

 

Hedge Fund Association? haha.

 

 

Seriously though, what's HFA?

Posted

Wait, you think it's ridiculous to want to divorce/break up with some that cheats on you? Who cares if they pulled you from a burning building, it's doesn't give a person the right to disrespect you like that.

Posted
Wait, you think it's ridiculous to want to divorce/break up with some that cheats on you? Who cares if they pulled you from a burning building, it's doesn't give a person the right to disrespect you like that.

 

It is not cheating if both partners agree to sexual non-exclusivity.

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Posted
Wait, you think it's ridiculous to want to divorce/break up with some that cheats on you? Who cares if they pulled you from a burning building, it's doesn't give a person the right to disrespect you like that.

 

I'm not talking about breaches of trust. I'm saying being more realistic and know that it's nothing against you if someone is sexually interested in someone else. Two different things.

Posted
I'm not talking about breaches of trust. I'm saying being more realistic and know that it's nothing against you if someone is sexually interested in someone else. Two different things.

 

Of course it's not about you. It's typically about a bottomless pit ego and the need to constantly "fill it up". Whether or not it's about you, it still hurts and makes you sad. Does that not matter?

Posted
his staunch and unbending traditionalism is utterly stifling to me

 

So now that you're off the soap box, the real issue is revealed. You want an open sexual relationship and he doesn't? That's what I gather from that.

 

I don't share your opinion that monogamous relationships are unhealthy. I've looked at things from the perspective you suggest without someone like you telling me to do so. Rant all you want but I believe the positives of a monogamous relationship definitely outweigh the negatives.

I've seen open relationships before, and despite being as honest and logical as possible, somehow jealousy rears its ugly head every time.

 

But I'm bypassing the issue with more rhetoric. The fact remains that you are one-sided in your feelings about this in your relationship, if what you're saying about his "stifling traditionalism" means he wants monogamy and you don't.

You can't force someone to feel a certain way, nor can you suggest that their feelings are irrational. Feelings are feelings. There is no right or wrong to it. You can change how you feel about something, but you have to want that change in the first place for yourself. If he doesn't want to change his feelings or beliefs on his own, no amount of logic you throw at him will persuade him to, know what I mean?

Posted

 

Thanks! I read a book recently..."The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time". Loved it. And was fascinated with this boy's logical approach to reading emotion. He had to learn facial expressions and the coinciding emotion. Tongue-in-cheek, but interesting.

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Posted
Of course it's not about you. It's typically about a bottomless pit ego and the need to constantly "fill it up". Whether or not it's about you, it still hurts and makes you sad. Does that not matter?

 

I don't think it's like that either. A gilded, beautiful prison cell is still a prison cell. I honestly believe the moment that a partner says "You cannot experience this thing you want to do" it's a damn near death knell for the relationship.

 

I don't want to be a partner who doesn't truly support my partner's growth and experience. I don't want to be a partner who stands in his way and crows sullenly about "WHAT ABOUT ME?"

 

I suppose if it bothered me at all, I'd still resolve to get over it because it'd be my problem and aren't we told that giving isn't truly giving and selfless unless it hurts?

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Posted
So now that you're off the soap box, the real issue is revealed. You want an open sexual relationship and he doesn't? That's what I gather from that.

 

I don't share your opinion that monogamous relationships are unhealthy. I've looked at things from the perspective you suggest without someone like you telling me to do so. Rant all you want but I believe the positives of a monogamous relationship definitely outweigh the negatives.

I've seen open relationships before, and despite being as honest and logical as possible, somehow jealousy rears its ugly head every time.

 

But I'm bypassing the issue with more rhetoric. The fact remains that you are one-sided in your feelings about this in your relationship, if what you're saying about his "stifling traditionalism" means he wants monogamy and you don't.

You can't force someone to feel a certain way, nor can you suggest that their feelings are irrational. Feelings are feelings. There is no right or wrong to it. You can change how you feel about something, but you have to want that change in the first place for yourself. If he doesn't want to change his feelings or beliefs on his own, no amount of logic you throw at him will persuade him to, know what I mean?

 

Oh, I'm not applying this just to him, though I understand keenly your point. But that train operates in both directions. I refuse to sacrifice my happiness and potential for experience for anyone else, and I would -never- expect that a partner do that for my benefit.

 

To me, that's akin to sawing off a foot or a hand and giving it to your partner as a token of affection, BUT THEN THEY CAN'T WALK OR WRITE.

 

I want what's best for him. Not what's best for him that doesn't bother me.

Posted
I don't think it's like that either. A gilded, beautiful prison cell is still a prison cell. I honestly believe the moment that a partner says "You cannot experience this thing you want to do" it's a damn near death knell for the relationship.

 

I don't want to be a partner who doesn't truly support my partner's growth and experience. I don't want to be a partner who stands in his way and crows sullenly about "WHAT ABOUT ME?"

 

I suppose if it bothered me at all, I'd still resolve to get over it because it'd be my problem and aren't we told that giving isn't truly giving and selfless unless it hurts?

 

In my case, I've said as much to my partner. With one caveat.

 

Do what makes you happy. If what makes you happy makes me unhappy. We cannot be together. And growth and experience, to me, is most certainly not garnering female attention when he's bored. If that's the kind of "growth and experience" he needs to thrive in this lifetime, so be it. I'm not sticking around to be a spectator.

 

**Edit - Spectator. Insert - Cheerleader.

  • Author
Posted
In my case, I've said as much to my partner. With one caveat.

 

Do what makes you happy. If what makes you happy makes me unhappy. We cannot be together. And growth and experience, to me, is most certainly not garnering female attention when he's bored. If that's the kind of "growth and experience" he needs to thrive in this lifetime, so be it. I'm not sticking around to be a spectator.

 

Well, for me, I think biochemistry gives me either a curse or a blessing, depending on how you look at it. Aspies do not have the same concentrations of oxytocin and vasopressin hormonally, and we don't respond the same way. Those hormones are responsible for long term bonding after the periphesence (honeymoon period infatuation.)

 

So, I'm sure that my chemical inability to bond the same way colors my view and when I see someone with a "neurotypical" brain chemistry acting all possessive and jealous, it just looks sad and selfish.

Posted
Well, for me, I think biochemistry gives me either a curse or a blessing, depending on how you look at it. Aspies do not have the same concentrations of oxytocin and vasopressin hormonally, and we don't respond the same way. Those hormones are responsible for long term bonding after the periphesence (honeymoon period infatuation.)

 

So, I'm sure that my chemical inability to bond the same way colors my view and when I see someone with a "neurotypical" brain chemistry acting all possessive and jealous, it just looks sad and selfish.

 

 

I can absolutely understand that. But look at it this way also if I may suggest. Watching your partner shamelessly put the "stank" down on other people looks sad and selfish to me.

Posted

So, I'm sure that my chemical inability to bond the same way colors my view and when I see someone with a "neurotypical" brain chemistry acting all possessive and jealous, it just looks sad and selfish.

 

Jealousy does look sad and selfish to people without Asperger's, too.

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Posted
Jealousy does look sad and selfish to people without Asperger's, too.

 

Haha, thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone there. Usually when I read these threads about girls mostly freaking out about their man stepping outside the door and interacting with other women at work and seeing them on streets I pretty much end up making this face progression:

 

:laugh::eek::confused::rolleyes::mad::sick:

Posted
Well, for me, I think biochemistry gives me either a curse or a blessing, depending on how you look at it. Aspies do not have the same concentrations of oxytocin and vasopressin hormonally, and we don't respond the same way. Those hormones are responsible for long term bonding after the periphesence (honeymoon period infatuation.)

 

So, I'm sure that my chemical inability to bond the same way colors my view and when I see someone with a "neurotypical" brain chemistry acting all possessive and jealous, it just looks sad and selfish.

 

If that's the case, I think it's a bit unfair saying how "you people" should act and feel about open relationships. You're saying your brain works differently than those without the condition you describe.. which is uncommon.

I just hope for your partner's sake that they knew about all of this going in. Did you start off with the understanding that the relationship would be committed and monogamous? Did you describe your "wanderlust" from the get-go?

If you love and care for the other person, you would naturally want to respect their wishes and personal boundaries. If an incompatibility such as this exists, perhaps you shouldn't be together at all. Maybe you should find someone that shares your outlook on open sexual relationships, so the train can truly operate in both directions, as you say.

Posted

To me, that's akin to sawing off a foot or a hand and giving it to your partner as a token of affection, BUT THEN THEY CAN'T WALK OR WRITE.

 

I hardly think that the ability (or inability) to control your own sexual impulses can, in any way be compared with not being able to function without a hand or a foot. That's a little extreme.

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Posted
If that's the case, I think it's a bit unfair saying how "you people" should act and feel about open relationships. You're saying your brain works differently than those without the condition you describe.. which is uncommon.

I just hope for your partner's sake that they knew about all of this going in. Did you start off with the understanding that the relationship would be committed and monogamous? Did you describe your "wanderlust" from the get-go?

If you love and care for the other person, you would naturally want to respect their wishes and personal boundaries. If an incompatibility such as this exists, perhaps you shouldn't be together at all. Maybe you should find someone that shares your outlook on open sexual relationships, so the train can truly operate in both directions, as you say.

 

I honestly didn't know about my condition until 2 years into the relationship. It was a surprise, but it also kinda wasn't as it seemed to explain so much. When I went into the relationship, I felt I was ready and had met the right person and I was resolved to be "a good boy" and a "grownup" but I realize now I was idealizing the relationship because of how drunk on honeymoon wine I was. It's not his fault, but there are things he did in the relationship to make it a lot more pronounced.

Posted

I think since you are HFA you just do not have these feelings and therefore cannot understand them. Yes jealousy is rooted in selfishness and insecurity, but the below statement that you made seems to be the embodiment of selfishness.

 

"I refuse to sacrifice my happiness and potential for experience for anyone else"

 

Perhaps I just don't understand your perspective but I don't see how a relationship can possibly work under those circumstances.

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