I can't break now, my boys need me

[daddyof2]

Hi guys

 

I'm not really sure how to start this thread, my head is all over the place, my heart is breaking and I know that when I begin to write I'm going to crumble into a helpless wreck. But I need to face my own story and face the truth of how it's going to end, so the sooner I get started, the sooner I get finished, but the pain is just so bad, I hate myself for feeling this way and I can barely hold out for another day. I'll probably ramble on and on and this post will end up really stupidly long and boring, sorry if it does, I just don't know what else to do right now.

 

I have been with my wife for 11 years, married for just over 5 of them and we have two sons, aged 7 and 3 who I love to bits. I'm not gonna lie to myself and pretend that life has been great, it hasn't, we've had our ups and downs but my love for the W is still as strong as ever.

 

I'd been feeling it coming for a few days, but I said nothing and just tried to be the very best husband I could but it was to late and it happened anyway. Last week my W came out with it and told me it's over, she needs her own space, she cannot be happy with me and any love she once felt for me has now gone, she loves me as a friend, but that is it. I'm devastated.

 

Like I said, I felt it coming, she's been pulling away from me for a couple of weeks and I can understand how it has gotten to this so I'm f'king pi$$ed that I didn't get our lives back on track while I had the chance.

 

My W has suffered from depression since our first child was born and she's always found it difficult to talk about her problems or concerns with anybody, even me, so sadly things have built up for a long time and she see no other way forward than a fresh new life without me. I've always tried to be a good listener, but I think I've always been to quick to try and be rational about her problems rather than really listen and understand - I dunno.

 

Finances have not been good for a long time, years in fact. Personally these problems have been tearing me apart inside and in my own mind (rightly or wrongly) I put a lot of the blame on the W for getting us into this mess - not that I admitted it though. I know it's been pulling her apart too, it turns out that problems are a lot worse than I thought and she's been keeping them from me. The day after she said it was over I found a letter from our landlord (we rent from a housing association) saying that we are £x in arrears and if we're not paid up by so and so, we're out. F**k man! Why couldn't she tell me what was going on, our kid’s home is at risk and she couldn't come and tell me what was going on! I was so angry with her but I stayed calm because in my heart i knew that I'd got us here to, not just her and if I blew up it would only make her even surer about her decision.

 

 

When she said it was over I reacted in the only way that thought was possible and begged her to reconsider, telling her that things WILL change, trying to convince her that I've been snappy and grumpy because of our money worries once these money problems are under control we can begin to look forward to a better future, together, all of us as a family. But, like she rightly said, we've been here before, she's heard it all before and why would anything be different this time? she's not prepared nor does she have the energy or desire to try again.

 

Neither of us have a great deal of friends, we've lost touch with so many people over the years with moving into a new area and we'd just got used to having the company of each other and the kids, which looking at it now was a stupid, stupid thing to do. We both work in the same office, I work 5 days, W works 2 days so we even share our work mates!

 

3 years ago, a girl I knew back in high school managed to track me down, which was nice as I not seen or heard from any of them in years. We got chatting on msn but like a fool I kept it from my wife so she didn't get the wrong idea, even though it was innocent. Me and the old friend arranged to meet up for some lunch, I told the W I was going out with my buddy but she found the emails and instantly thought we were having an affair – I would have thought the same had the shoe been on the other foot. I explained everything but she was understandably hurt that I'd kept it from her and over the next couple of months this made things very difficult and I moved out to live with my mother, leaving her with our 6mth old and a 4yr old boys. I saw the boys all the time; they stayed with me loads, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I hated not seeing them everyday and being able to say goodnight to the every night but I was sure I'd done the right thing. After 4 months I knew I'd screwed up, I was desperately missing the

W’s company and eventually we worked things out and I went home again. Trouble is that during the 4 months I was gone, the W had gone mad on the CC's and store cards which ultimately led us to where we are with money right now.

 

Back in Feb W said she was unhappy and things were not working and she thought it would be better to call it a day, we were stressed all the time over money, our youngest son was (and still is) very, very hard work at times and causes a lot of tension between us. But after a lot of talking and tears eventually we agreed (or I convinced her) to try again but this time we’d get money back in order and spend more quality time together and with the boys. Things were great for a couple of months until the money problems that we still hadn't figured out hit home again, things just kept getting in the way of sorting it out which has meant we've always been on a downer about it, not able to afford the day trips, nights out or little treats that couples like to buy one another and the quality time that we'd promised ourselves - so here we are again, but this time I'm almost certain there is no changing her mind.

 

I’m not sure if anyone will still be reading at this point but I need to carry on writing. If you are, thank you so much for taking the time.

 

Ok, so where are my W and I with this a week on? W is still living here with us, she can't just move out however much she feels she needs to as she doesn't have the money for her own place and doesn't want to stay with her folks as she feels that this isn't giving her the independence that she so craves to get her head in order. Her only option is to apply for a home through another housing association - which will take time, possibly months.

 

I've applied and supposedly been accepted for a loan to clear off all of our debts, I'm just waiting for the payment to go into the bank - but secretly I'll not believe it's happening until the money is in there so I'm still very afraid about our finances but it is offering a ray of hope. I've carried on telling the W how things will be so much better now that our money worries are over (hopefully) and I can be a better person no that it's not eating me up 24/7 but she is still insistent that she want to go asap and she doesn't want to work things out, ever.

 

I can't contemplate the thought of life without her by my side, If it wasn't for my boys I would have been under a train by now and I can't stop thinking about ending it all, but I also know that I can't go yet because I love my boys and they need me around. The W isn't having an affair, I honestly believe that and really do understand that she's going because of how things have turned out, not because she's had a better offer, but thinking of the day that she does meet that OM makes me sick, perhaps I'm obsessive, I don't know, all I do know is that I will seriously fall to pieces when the day does come, and to think of my boys calling somebody else daddy crushes me.

 

I've told her that I want joint custody of our children, I need the around as much as possible but I still don't know how I'm gonna do it. I work full time, the eldest is at school, the youngest goes to the school nursery some days but it still wouldn't allow me to continue my current hours but I can't afford to lose the pay. I'm so confused, I wish i knew the answer.

 

I found this forum last night, I'd been going on at my W about how things would be so much better this time - I truely believe they would. But in the end she had to get away from me and she went out to read a book and get some space. She has been patient and hasn't got cross with me yet, but this kinda feels weird, cold and emotionless. So yeah, up until that point I had been trying to tell her that we can fix this, but then I end up on here for 6hrs reading how I should just be indifferent and not show my sadness, in the meantime she came back in, sat in the lounge, i said nothing and carried on reading here, she went to bed (in the eldest’s room - he had a sleep over at his cousins last night) and for the first time all week I got into bed without calling into see her first and begging all over again. She came into the room this morning to get ready for work, I just put the covers over my head and went back to sleep again, I've not called her at work today either so she's probably thinking I've got the message now - I have got the message but I can't accept it, not for a second, but I'm beginning to understand that I'll never change her mind so why make things harder for her?

 

The tough thing now is that I have to go into work at 2pm and work till late, but from 2-4 I'll be right by the W, it's gonna be so hard to remain calm, look happy and not to beg her to stay. Then as soon as she leaves I'll be wondering what she is doing and what she is thinking and will she ever change her mind and see that this is a huge mistake (in my eyes). I wish this could be over, I'm hurting so, so much. I'm a man, I should be bigger than this and not be sat about with tears in my eyes and parralised with pain but I love my wife, I love our family and I had so many dreams for our future that have now been smashed to bits. I can't even begin to pick myself up right now let alone think about Birthdays, Christmas, school plays, holidays and all the other things I love about being with my family. She is my world and I can’t let go. I’m churning inside, I feel sick, my heart is racing and I can’t think of anything else. She is my world, and my world is crumbling.

 

 

daddyof2

[lovemyboys]

I'm not much help, I'm in the same dark place, although a few months ahead of you and I see glimpses of light ahead.

 

I have two boys of very similar ages to yours. My husband also experienced depression during our marriage and now has chosen to leave (although he had an EA he was trying to turn into something more).

 

All we can do is be strong for our boys. I've been trying to enjoy the moments with them and not let them see any of emotions Mom is going through. We've been doing lots of outside activities, going to lots of parks. Like you, my family was most of my social life, so I've been trying to build my social circle again - play dates are great for that. I find the parks are great too because there is always another parent hanging around that you can strike up a conversation with when the kids are playing.

 

We also have the challenge of figuring out how to work and handle the kids. My STBX works shift work and with my job I tend to have to put in some evenings and go out of town. We're juggling daycares, school, babysitters, etc to make it work. There is talk of opening a 24 hour daycare in our town - that would make all of this increadibly easier.

[Auroracoladybug]

Dadyof2...yes your post is long but trust me my first post was long too and I still get lots of questions about all of it...you are there for your boys they are number 1 and I get that from your post...good for you (check out my story and you will see why that matters so much to me). Sounds to me like you both need IC...you are doing what you can but don't let her ruin your credit again...she needs medication probably to get out of the depression and she needs to take on some of the responsibility for the financials...sounds to me like she messes it up and you always come in to rescue her. No it is never the right time to separate or divorce but if she is not willing to work on it back than you can't make her and you can't keep towing her along with you because you love her...she has to pull also...

 

All the best to you and yours k...I hope today goes well.

[daddyof2]

Hi lovemyboys, it really is tough to seem happy to my boys, they don't know what's going on yet as far as they are aware everything is okay with Mummy and Daddy but I know we're going to have to talk soon. I think my eldest (7) will take it very badly, he's never been a mummy or a daddys boy, he's just always floated around us both so to see us apart will be very hard for him, I know when we spent time apart three years ago he found it tough, and as much as it pains me to admit it, I don't think he's ever gotten over it.

My youngest (3) is a different story I guess, i mean he wont understand why we're all gonna get split up but he'll know for sure that it's not right and it's gonna hurt him bad to, we've been getting really close over the last few months and much the same as 7 he loves both of our company .

 

Auroracoladybug, Hi. I can't say that I've ever completely bailed us out of financial problems, and I for sure can't say that W is to take all the blame for them - I too never fully faced up to facts and got on top of things, it's just that over the last few months W has not opened a single letter (which in my heart I understand) and things have gone from very bad to dire. What is IC by the way? W has been on antidepressants for years now but they've never really helped, the money pressures must be a massive part of her depression but I'm not going to be nieve here and say she would have been settled if they'd never existed. As anybody who has suffered from, or lived with a sufferer of depression will know, life can become a downward spiral that seems impossible to get out of. Lack of energy leads to neglect in areas, which then lead to guilt for the neglect which leads to deeper depression and further neglect and so on, it just gets to a point where there seems to be no hope - which is where W is right now.

 

 

Ok, it's been a really hard 24hrs, not as hard as it's gonna get for sure cuz I'm still kinda in denial about the whole situation. When I got to work the W was working in my private office on a small project she's been tasked with, I had no need to go to my office so I didn't for an hour but then I realized there was a pressing money issue I needed to discuss with her, so I went on up, spoke about the issue, quickly agreed on what to do and left. Just before her shift ended at 4 she came into the main office where I was with a colleague and I kept my distance like I promised myself and mentioned nothing other than the kids just before she left.

 

I mentioned in my first post that I'd supposedly been accepted for a loan to settle all of our debts but I wasn't gonna believe it until the money was in my account? Guess what, it's a scam. I started looking into the company on the net last night and it turns out that thousands of others have been led down the very same path as me, charged £50 for the loan arrangement, guaranteed that the money would be in the account in 5 days then getting a letter saying that the loan has now been declined, along with a £1.50 per minute debt help line number to call - f**king heartless thieving bast++ds!

 

When I arrived home from work last night at 10.30 W was in bed in the eldest's room (he's at cousins again for sleepover - not unusual) I called in to see if she was awake bc I felt that I needed to tell her what I'd found out about this so called loan company. I quickly explained and could see that she was gutted, told her that we will find some way out of this eventually and then went to bed. I hate sleeping alone, it hurts so bad not to feel the warmth of my other half lying next to me, it's so quiet without her gently breathing, clicking on her DS or turning the pages of a book.

 

I slept okay, I told myself to go to sleep when I got in bed and it wasn't long before I was gone, help because I'm worn out anyways. Well, I don't know about anyone else but waking up is getting hard, the few seconds of normality which are followed by the stark realization that my marriage and life as I know it are over, then the anxiety sets in again and my heart starts to race all over again, which I guess it will until I fall to sleep tonight - only I think sleeping from tonight onwards is gonna get a whole lot harder - I'll explain more in a min.

 

Anyways, I dragged my a$$ outa bed at 8am, W was in bed still, 3 was in his room playing so I took him down for breakfast and I got on with moving a pile of logs outside until the British weather called a stop to it. In the meantime W had woken up, we'd not said much, just mentioned about the loan thing and we agreed that I should call them about it - which I did but was then given a number for their customer services as I called the initial enquiry line, but while I was there I asked him all about and he insisted that I will receive the loan payout but I got the feeling he knew he was talking s**t. But never the less, I decided to call the new number after I'd had a drink.

 

Before I called then I needed to ask the W to be straight about something, I'd suddenly got this nagging feeling inside that she was seeing/talking to somebody else, an OM maybe and as much as I didn't want to ask because of the old 180 thing I gave in a did it anyway.

Me, calmly- "W? are you speaking to someone?"

W, calmly - "No, I already told you"

Me, still calm - "You don't have to hide it from me and obviously you don't have to tell me but I'm just convinced in my own mind that you are speaking to someone and I feel like I need to know so I can get it leveled off in my head"

W, uneasy - "Okay, yeah, I am"

Me, shaken but outwardly calm "Who is it?"

W, still uneasy - "Why do you need to know? There's nothing going on, it's just somebody to talk to and you don't know *him* anyway"

Me, thinking f**k and trying to keep it together and seem calm- "I know I don't need to know who it is, I guess it will just help me build a bigger picture of whats going on here so I can begin to sort out my head"

 

I was nothing to do with sorting out my head really, I knew it was gonna screw me even more but human nature is a cruel thing sometimes and I needed to know.

 

W, coldly but innocently - "It's Mr X, I didn't tell you when you've asked before bc I thought you'd get the wrong end of this stick and hit the roof"

 

I stayed calm and indifferent and just poked around a little bit more. Okay you need an introduction to Mr X, Mr fking X. I've never met the guy, nor do I ever want to but Mr X is a guy that W dated (or should I say he used her) for a while when she was 16/17 (a year before we met I guess). After digging a bit she says that he contacted her through facebook a month ago, and two weeks ago he left his GF and 18mth old baby as they've been fighting loads, she say's she spoke to him about reconciling his broken relationship but he's not interested – probably blinkered as I was when I left 3 years ago I'm sure.

 

She says there nothing going on, and as daft as it may sound I do believe her, although I'm fairly sure that she wouldn't mind trying it out for old times sake but I just aint gonna go there right now. Is it just me thinking this or are Facebook, Freinds Re-united and all the rest of them a disaster waiting to happen? In the past people haven't had this easy access to old flames and the nostalgia that comes from speaking to school mates from back in the easy responsibility free days. Now we can log on and within hours be back in touch with people we had left behind years ago, emotions that we thought we left behind years ago or even completely forgotten about and the possible beginnings of a whole new almost secret social life. I know from first hand experience how this works which is why I don't have a fk'ing facebook account anymore - at least I didn't till last night anyways. God knows, I can't help but think something is gonna come of this, they're both rebounding and there is history but I hope for my sanities sake that it doesn't and I hope for his child’s sake he gets is sh*t together and sorts out his relationship rather than looking out into his new/old world and thinking how fantastic is it to be single again.

 

Anyways, i tried calling this loan company on the new number and gave up hanging on after 30 minutes in line. I know now that this is a filthy rotten scam and they are taking advantage of vulnerable people so it's time to try and work something else out. I think that W has got it into her head that we aint gonna get this money, but she doesn't know where to turn, i think a lot of her plans were founded on this going through and didn't want to think of it not happening. The only simple solution I can think of is for her to ask her parents to take out a loan for us and we pay it back, they'd get it for sure, it aint a huge amount of money, it's just the format of the debt is impossible to pay back right now. But her folks know nothing about our money problems and I really don't think W is gonna tell them either so everything, literally everything is back in the air now and I've not got a clue where it's gonna land.

 

If only W would try to get this marriage back on track, there are ways of solving this debt as a couple which just wont work if we're apart. I don't mean I wanna save this marriage because of the money, I wanna save it bc I love my wife with all my heart and to see the family torn in half is terrifying me.

 

Wife's out right now with 3, they've gone to pick up 7 from his cousins (my sister and mothers house). So, 7 will be back in his bed tonight and I guess that means that me or W is on the sofa, so now 7 is gonna start wondering wtf is going on and the talk is looming ever closer. I just feel like once we spoken about it I'm somehow finalising it all and I just can't bare to do that right now, we're both still wearing our wedding bands cuz I asked her to so I don't have to face up to anyone else knowing, this is screwed up man.

 

I'm still churning, still aching and still breaking. I don't see anyway out of this alone. God damn it I wish we had the answers

[skywriter]

Hi Daddyof2,

 

Welcome and I hope that you can find some much needed support here. I'm certain that just being able to vent by writing will be beneficial to you.

 

To say that your plate is full might be a bit of an understatement. Reading your post becomes a bit heavy for me as well. I do sympathise with all that you are going through. Espescially having to see your W at work. Yet another weight of burden on your already burdened heart.

 

With all that is going on with yourself and your significant other, my main thought is small steps. Just try and tackle what you can in a day and carry on the next. It sounds quite simplistic, but my thinking is, what else can a person do?

 

Reading your post, you seem aware of the sources of your problems. Thing is, if you are faced with overcoming these problems without your W's support then trying to accept this is your next step. This isn't to say that you are giving up on your marriage. It's just a way of trying to maintain peace between the two of you since you have to share the same dwellings. Also in the best interest of your boys.

 

If, it does come down to your W leaving you don't need to have things that she may try to hold against you later on down the road. So far, you sound very level headed. Just try to keep your head screwed on tightly. In the wake of this new found info concerning the friend of the W's past, it's going to be a challenge. She may eventually dig herself a hole , that she can't get out of. Yikes!

 

Even with all that has occured you still seem to sound very protective of her. Take care of yourself, your boys need you and your level head. I'm so sorry that you don't have anyone to turn to as far as family and friends. Take heart in knowing that there are people here, posting and experiencing their own versions of "life" as we know it. Please, let us know how things are going for you. peace....

[madhatter]

Hi

 

Make an appointment at your local citizins advice bureau for the debt problems. There have recently been laws past in the UK to help people in your situation, the CAB has trained advisers, many of whom are law students. They can liase with the companys you owe money to on your behalf to arrange suitable and affordable repayment plans and I beleive some debt can now be written off, under a new goverment intiative. The CAB is completley free to all British citizins. They also have access to free solicitors and legal aid. Some areas of the country have specialist CAB debt resolution centres but any CAB can help. DO THIS NOW, do not try any more lenders, get the legal advice you need, please!

 

I understand how you are feeling about your w and facebook, I went through something similar with my x, he was looking up old school friends, setting up his life for when he left! It is indeed EVIL!

 

Try to stay focused on the debts right now, until you get them solved it will make any chance of reconciliation difficult with your w, stay 180 all the way!

 

My heart goes out to you, I know this pain well, one hour at a time.

[daddyof2]

Thank you skywriter and madhatter for replying. This might sound pathetic but your warm words make me well up just to think that there are still people left in this world with time for others, even time for those they've never met, nor most likely will never meet.

 

I'm starting to think that I'll be spending a fair amount of time around here for a while to come, perhaps to much time as there are other mundane daily chores I should be concentrating on, but right now I feel like I need to be spilling my guts somewhere, and these pages seem the safest place to spill them.

 

It's getting pretty tough this afternoon, I'm here at work again, have been since 2pm. So, I'm 2 hours in, another 6 to go and my head is spinning and my insides are caving in on themselves (err, that sounds weird).

 

When W got back with 7 and 3 we had a quick chat about things, I guess brought on by me not doing to well with the 180, I could be worse, I could be on my knees begging again, but I could be better and not mentioning anything other than money and kids. I spoke to her about how easy it is to rush in a do stupid things when walking away from a relationship, I did it, I went and slept with that friend I mentioned before, and I've deeply regretted it since. We were both calm and civilized, she agreed with what I said, I guess she had to bc she also knew what I did all those years ago was stupid. I also reminded her (in a friendly, caring way) that she once told me that Mr X from the past used her, which she agreed with and she's not forgotten.

 

It just seems so likely that as soon as she's gotten the boys into bed tonight she'll be on the phone to him, talking about our problems, him assuring her that's shes made the right choice and that he'll be there for her - of course he f'king would!

 

A bit later she asked if I was coming to sit up the garden with her while 3 was playing on the trampoline he so loves, so I said yeah, okay (as indifferently as I possibly could) and off we went. We sat there for a while, just watching and talking to 3 who was being a nut job as usual. After a while I slipped on the 180 and asked (not being needy or anything - or trying not to come across that way) if there was a way of looking at this as a separation to figure out what we really want rather than just looking at it as her new, single life without me. She said, perhaps if the situation allowed then maybe, but how it is, for us to be on our own there has to be some commitment on another property from one of us, and that the option of her moving to her parents was a no go as they don't have the room for the boys to stay nor would she have the independence she needs, and because I don't drive I couldn't continue to work here and live at my mums house for a while bc she's a fair distance away from the village I live and work in - and the boys school in.

 

So this is pretty shi**y right now. I asked her if she though (not if she would) there would be anyway we could somehow manage to live separately under the same roof - which is clearly fk'd up for a start but I'm clutching at straws here folks and she said she doesn't know.

 

All I do know is that she wants to remain very close friends for the sake of the children, which I agree would be great for the boys, but how the hell can you be friends with somebody you love, and somebody you couldn't bare to see with an OM - I'm probably being weak here guys but after sharing pretty much my entire adult life with this woman I'm pretty well attached. I know she want's to be good friends bc when I asked about counseling she said she would go in order to make the split as easy as possible - not what I was looking for, I can't imagine for a second that sitting through counseling with two people telling me this is for the best would sink in let alone help matters, imo during separation or divorce counseling is either MC for 2, or grievance counciling for 1. Maybe I’m wrong, it seems that I often am.

 

Anyways, I guess I'd better do some work, not that there's much to do round here these days, but all the same, I can't keep blabbing on all evening - although all the time I'm writing it kinda feels like I'm writing a story about some fictional characters rather than facing facts, I dunno, I'm hurting bad and my heart is aching but for the time I'm writing these posts my mind is on these letters and words instead of where W is and what she's doing with who and how I’m gonna move on.

 

Thanks again for your replys, it means alot. No doubt I’ll be back here, trying to hide again shortly.

 

daddyof2

[daddyof2]

Humm, back again, that didn't last long did it?

 

I've been thinking, at the begining of the week while I was still in my "please lets work this out" stage before I read the 180, my wife said she wanted to take 7 to see a movie on Saturday - tomorrow (something that we've never done together because 3 can be a pita). At the time, I asked if she minded if I tagged along because I've not been to the flicks with 7 for about 3 years and thought it would be nice to spend some time with him, I also thought (to myself) it would show the W that I we can get out together and have fun. If I do go then 3 will stay with my mum for a couple of hours as he just won't sit still so it would be a bit more chilled out than most family experiences we have. But......

 

.....Now I'm playing the 180 to try and fix my mind, I'm not sure how this would jepardise the outcome. I mean, LC is meant to be the way to go, but I want to go out with 7 and also show W that we can have fun. I feel like WTF am I to do here? Earlier she asked me if I'm still going and said that she's happy for me to come along as it's be nice for 7, but that's going completey against the 180. I wonder to my self, should I be grabbing these oportunities to spend quality time with W or do I stay away and possibly miss out on what might be a rare chance to show we can have good times?

 

AUUUGGGHHHHHHH, SO CONFUSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[madhatter]

Hi

 

I would say as it's already organised honor your promise and go to the pictures tomorrow, BUT, keep it light, friendly, fun and DO NOT discuss your marriage or the impending seperation in any way! If you think you can do that, I personally think you are still sticking to the 180.

 

I know how you feel about your head spinnng and your insides churning, it's kind of like being hit by a bus and you're dragging yourself out from under it, going "er, what happened?". We all do the begging thing at the start, problem is your w has known HER feelings for some time, now you're playing catch up. You gotta catch up real fast! 180 180 180!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just drumming it in, b/c it's the only way to go other than NC (no contact) and serving the divorce papers!

[seibert253]

180, 180, 180.

Investigate:

1. Keylogger on computers

2. Check cell phone records

3. Voice activated recorders in vehicle, home if need be.

 

Gather your evidence as to an affair, because that's what's going on. She's minimizing and gaslighting you as to what truly is going on.

 

After you have your evidence, contact and attorney, draw up D papers, then confront her. Tell her she has a choice;

1. End the affair and work on fixing the marriage or,

2. Move out

 

There are no other options. If she choses to move, serve her with D papers immediately, then expose to everyone, family, friends, coworkers what's going on.

 

You wife is deep in the A fog right now. So far, other than you attempts at the 180, nothing you've done will smack her out of it. She needs the 2X4 of reality upside her head to shake the fog out of her head.

 

Also, as part of your 180, you need to speak with her about nothing but the kids and finances, nothing else. She needs to see you're ready to move on with out her.

[daddyof2]

180, 180, 180.

Investigate:

1. Keylogger on computers

2. Check cell phone records

3. Voice activated recorders in vehicle, home if need be.

 

Gather your evidence as to an affair, because that's what's going on. She's minimizing and gaslighting you as to what truly is going on.

 

After you have your evidence, contact and attorney, draw up D papers, then confront her. Tell her she has a choice;

1. End the affair and work on fixing the marriage or,

2. Move out

 

There are no other options. If she choses to move, serve her with D papers immediately, then expose to everyone, family, friends, coworkers what's going on.

 

You wife is deep in the A fog right now. So far, other than you attempts at the 180, nothing you've done will smack her out of it. She needs the 2X4 of reality upside her head to shake the fog out of her head.

 

Also, as part of your 180, you need to speak with her about nothing but the kids and finances, nothing else. She needs to see you're ready to move on with out her.

 

seibert253, your post was hard to read and I'll be honest, it's torn me up. You've made me seriously parranoid now, making me wonder about the last few weeks etc but I still can't see that she is havinf an affiar, I can't see how she could/would but I guess that's what everybody feels anyway.

 

Now heres the thing, I really, seriously aint got the energy to start investigating, nor could I cope right now to see it in black and white if it were true, however, if it is true I need to know now before I can do any moving on.

 

I wasn't gonna mention Mr X to her again, if he came up in conversation so be it. But now I feel like I need to call her and ask her to stay up until I get home so we can talk. I feel like I NEED to lay it all on the line and get an HONEST answer out of her. I'd ask that if she has any respect for me or our family to tell me the truth, I'd explain that the only way I can move forwards is to know the truth is being told. To be honest, I know that my wife doesn't want to see me hurting, but if it was true and I show her how much I really need to know the score I'm sure she would give it.

 

But, where the hell does this leave things with the 180? I wouldn't ask her again, I would just ask for one answer now and then however it turned out I would try to get back to figuring this out, only with a possible new perspective of the future of our marriage.

 

Let me know what you think folks,

daddyof2

[MrMayI]

seibert253, your post was hard to read and I'll be honest, it's torn me up. You've made me seriously parranoid now, making me wonder about the last few weeks etc but I still can't see that she is havinf an affiar, I can't see how she could/would but I guess that's what everybody feels anyway.

 

Now heres the thing, I really, seriously aint got the energy to start investigating, nor could I cope right now to see it in black and white if it were true, however, if it is true I need to know now before I can do any moving on.

 

I wasn't gonna mention Mr X to her again, if he came up in conversation so be it. But now I feel like I need to call her and ask her to stay up until I get home so we can talk. I feel like I NEED to lay it all on the line and get an HONEST answer out of her. I'd ask that if she has any respect for me or our family to tell me the truth, I'd explain that the only way I can move forwards is to know the truth is being told. To be honest, I know that my wife doesn't want to see me hurting, but if it was true and I show her how much I really need to know the score I'm sure she would give it.

 

But, where the hell does this leave things with the 180? I wouldn't ask her again, I would just ask for one answer now and then however it turned out I would try to get back to figuring this out, only with a possible new perspective of the future of our marriage.

 

Let me know what you think folks,

daddyof2

 

daddyof2, i know seibert's words can cut. believe me, they've cut me a few times, but it's a bug that needs to be planted in your head. look around this site, and it won't take you long to see that this is pretty much the status quo. the things your wife has told you, and her actions indicate at the least an emotional affair. now, keep in mind this is just my personal experience, but my wife went from what i stated was an emotional affair to separation, and now i believe is in an active physical affair. "i love you, but i'm not in love with you" should be considered the nail in the coffin, in my opinion. i just wish i had believed it three months ago when all of this **** started for me. good luck. keep posting.

[daddyof2]

daddyof2, i know seibert's words can cut. believe me, they've cut me a few times, but it's a bug that needs to be planted in your head. look around this site, and it won't take you long to see that this is pretty much the status quo. the things your wife has told you, and her actions indicate at the least an emotional affair. now, keep in mind this is just my personal experience, but my wife went from what i stated was an emotional affair to separation, and now i believe is in an active physical affair. "i love you, but i'm not in love with you" should be considered the nail in the coffin, in my opinion. i just wish i had believed it three months ago when all of this **** started for me. good luck. keep posting.

 

So should I be confrunting her tonight? I need to know where the fk I'm going with my life and if this so likely I need to get it into my head NOW so I've got a clear view of what's to come.

[MrMayI]

So should I be confrunting her tonight? I need to know where the fk I'm going with my life and if this so likely I need to get it into my head NOW so I've got a clear view of what's to come.

 

i would take the advice here, 180 180 180, and watch her carefully. if you confront with no evidence, you're only going to get the same story you have already heard. i can only advise from my experience, but i asked my wife several times, and she always denied.

 

if she's not really discussing your marriage with you, and is with another man, you have big problems.

[daddyof2]

Okay, couldn't hand around for a reply on whether I should call her or not. I've just called as it's getting on for bedtime over here in the UK and I didn't want to get home and try talking to her while she's trying to sleep.

 

I asked if she's still be up when I got home, she said yes, and I explained I need to talk to her about something, she asked what and I said not to worry about it, it'll wait till I get home but I would like to talk tonight, she asked what is it again, I said I'll talk when I get in.

 

The phone call was very freindly so hopefully everything will be civil either way. I just don't want to go accusing her of things or bleating on about affairs if she's not having one, it'd just stand in the way of any inckling of hope for our marriage. We'll see what she says, I'll be back before I go to bed.

 

thanks for all your support guys, I'm glad I found this place, but I'm just sad that I had to.

[daddyof2]

Ah, sh*t you posted while I was typing MrMayI. I'm gonna be a dick now and ask her anyway. Then for me the 180 180 180 will start. I'll probably live to regret my choices but I'm a fool. I'll get back.

[madhatter]

Okay, couldn't hand around for a reply on whether I should call her or not. I've just called as it's getting on for bedtime over here in the UK and I didn't want to get home and try talking to her while she's trying to sleep.

 

I asked if she's still be up when I got home, she said yes, and I explained I need to talk to her about something, she asked what and I said not to worry about it, it'll wait till I get home but I would like to talk tonight, she asked what is it again, I said I'll talk when I get in.

 

The phone call was very freindly so hopefully everything will be civil either way. I just don't want to go accusing her of things or bleating on about affairs if she's not having one, it'd just stand in the way of any inckling of hope for our marriage. We'll see what she says, I'll be back before I go to bed.

 

thanks for all your support guys, I'm glad I found this place, but I'm just sad that I had to.

 

Hi

 

If you get this in time my advice would be DON'T ask her! You will see from this site that many women having emotional affairs do something called cake eating. This is when they do not admit to the affair and string their H along, kind of keeping a fall back option in case the OM doesn't work out. Sick, but true! If she is cake eating, she will not admit the affair and you will just end up having an argument. The only way you can confront on an affair is with evidence, texts, e-mails, cell phone records etc.

 

If you get this in time, my advice from having read thses boards for a few months, would be to say you wanted to talk about how the seperation ws going to work re the children! That's your get out of this "we need to talk" phonecall, you alreday made.

 

Stay 180

Sort out your debt problems, make an appointment at CAB

When you are calmer, investigate the possible affair

When you have all your facts, you can decide your next move, don't do anything rash now that you may regret later.

[seibert253]

Do not confront her without evidence, she will continue to lie and minimize. Hate to be blunt, but here it goes:

Your wife is cheating on you. No if's but's or's about it. The "he's just someone to talk to, we're just friends, yada, yada" That's all LIES. I've heard it, Mr's heard it, all of us BS's here have.

 

Now, what are you going to do? Sit back and do nothing, or fight for your marriage? This is war my friend, and all's fair in love and war. You cannot win a war without proper intelligence, IE investigating.

As I've said before:

1. Install a keylogger on an computer she uses

2. Examine her cell phone and texts. If you do not have access to her cell phone, get detailed billing. This will show dates, times, and number of every call and text. See an unfamilar number, investigate who it belongs to.

3. Consider placing a voice activated recorder in her car, or if you see she runs off to a certain area within your home for "private phone conversations", install one here.

 

You need to have you ducks in a row when you confront her. My wife lied, lied, then lied some more, until I showed her the printed out IM's and emails, and her cell phone logs. Even then I still didn't get the whole truth, but her silence spoke volumes.

 

After you confront her, you lay it on the line. Tell her she has a choice:

1. End the A and work on repairing your marriage

2. Move out

 

Also let her know the consequences. Tell her you've already retained an attorney and you are prepared to file for D if it's necessary. That's not what you want, but that's what will happen if she doesn't end the A.

Also let her know, if the A doesn't end, you are telling everyone what's been going on. Friends, family, everyone, and be prepared to do so. You might want to consider doing it anyway after you confront her.

 

With my FWW, it was combination of preparing for D, and pressure from family and friends after I told them what was going on, that brought her out of the fog.

 

This is a war my friend. A battle for you, your wife, and your kids. You don't fight fair, you fight to win.

 

All of us are here, pulling and praying for you. Keep posting 'cause it's will keep you sane in the midst of this insanity.

 

Peace, and God Bless

 

Oh, and I almost forgot. You need to find out who Mr. X is. If Mr. X is married or in a committed relationship, you need to inform is significant other what's going on. If Mr. X's married, and his wife finds out and throws the smackdown on him, watch how fast he throws your wife under the bus.

[MrMayI]

yep, we've all heard it and we've all been through it. learn from mistakes of others. learn from us. i've confronted my wife a bunch of times, and gotten some bull**** every time, so i would say make sure you have plenty of evidence. cell logs help, but a keylogger is the best idea. i wish i'd had one. all i ever had was cell logs and where her car was (OM's), yet deny deny deny. if you have to, have a D ready for her, and if she stalls, take it from me, file that bitch right in. good luck. keep posting. saving your marriage is going to take some real psychological warfare.

[daddyof2]

Thanks guys, it means alot to get your advice and support. I just managed to pick up madhatters post before I logged off the work pc, and during the 10 mintue walk home I decided that there was nothing to gain from asking her now and a lot to lose, as you've all said since.

 

I asked her about finances and if she's come up with any ideas now we know that the loan is not gonna happen because the sooner we start getting this mess sorted out the better. I asked about tomorrow and the movie then left it at that. She made me a cup of tea, we had a smoke and off she went into the lounge. I went in to get a pen and she was filling out a housing application form which has been sat on the side for 2 days, nice. She's sleeping on the sofa tonight so it could be a bit weird in the morning if she's still there when the boys get up - we'll see I guess.

 

Well, I already know who Mr X is, I don't know him personally and I wouldn't know him if we passed in the street. But I do know the name from W's distant past and if she was telling the truth earlier he has been split with his gf/mother of thier 18mth old for 2 weeks and been back in touch with W for 4 after signing up to facebook.

 

I'll do what I have to do for now. Not that it's gonna be easy, none of this is easy - as you're all very well aware, but if I can keep my head in order for the time being that'd do for now.

 

Still not sure about the movies tomorrow, I didn't commit to going but I'd kinda like to go for 7s sake but I'm worried that what you guys have come out with tonight will leave me in the wrong place to work on the 180 around her all day.

 

Well, it's bank holiday weekend here in the uk so no more work for me until tuesday when I'll be back to the normal day shifts. So 3 days of being around W and trying to live with LC will be tough but I've got a lot of jobs I need to get done around the house so it'll keep me away for some of it.

 

Thanks again guys, I hope to god what you are saying is wrong but I do understand why you're saying it.

Now it's time to try and sleep (23:50), I'm tempted to have a neck of the Sothern Comfort but I'm gonna resist b/c I don't wanna go down that road too!!

 

daddyof2

[Nomad1]

Daddyof2 - hey man. I am from UK too. I think that you are doing the right thing. I am afraid that once they go down that path, there is no way of getting them to do a U turn. Expect the worst. Keep your emotions under check. This whole experience will teach you that. A valuable lesson mind you. As someone who went through more or less what you are going through two years ago. I can only advise you to reclaim your power. Take the rains my friend and steer your life in a course of your choosing. Your wife is falling into the abyss. Let her go, but hold tight to your boys. They need you. You will be the only constance in your life. Their mind's eye is watching your responses to this crisis. Set a good example. Confront your challenges. Your priorities after your children are:

 

1. You (take good care of yourself). Easy to say, I know.

2. Go to a Citizen Advice Bureau to get advice about your finances. Act now on this one. They will tell you that all you need to worry about are your priority payments, eg. home, utility bills, etc. Loan and credit card companies can wait and have to accept what you can afford. If it is £1 a week, so be it.

3. Say to your W that you have had an epiphany or some sort of awakening...that the divorce is a great idea and if I were you, I would FILE immediately. That is what I did.

 

In two years' time you will see things differently. You will realise just how many opportunities are out there, in every respect.

 

Good luck man

 

Nomad1