tleisha Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I'm new here, and have never used these forums before, but googled my way here when I went looking for advice. Right, I guess I'll just dive right into it. My ex and I have a very odd relationship. We split up in january after six years together, and two children. The problem was that he'd just lost his job, and we knew that it would be difficult for him to find a place, since nobody is looking for a single unemployed male as a tenant. Because of these factors, it seemed like it would be easier if he stayed in our house and slept on the sofa for a while. A while, turned into eight months and he's still here. I'm in no hurry for him to leave, because to be perfectly honest, as a full time student who can't afford a child minder, without his help I'd find myself with a few more problems. We broke up because we argued constantly about our house, and the fact that he (still) finds it impossible to keep things clean, and if I didn't clean up after him, my family would be living in filth. Until I met him, I never realised just how much mess one person could make if they wanted too. Despite the fact that we've argued, and I've cried many times over this, he made no real effort to change. He'd say he'd try, but that would usually only last a day. This was the foundation for the collapse of our relationship, and pretty much everything else soon followed. He's quite terrible at the whole domestic thing- he never feeds the children the right things, and never irons their clothes, so if I'm not there, they walk around looking quite messy all day. My eldest son found himself being bullied at school because of it. All of our problems were just your basic domestic issues. He's a good friend, and a good parent, and is always there for me when I need him, even though we've broken up. I used to wonder if we could get through that, but eventually I realised that I didn't love him any more. Lately, I've been suffering from depression quite a bit, and so he sat with me for hours the other day, and just let me talk about it. He's the only person I do have to talk to, and vice versa. Neither of us are very good with people and don't socialise often, and neither of us really talk to our families. We seem to be living in a very closed off little world. I've started to wonder if that's the real reason I still want him around, because I have no-one, and nowhere else to turn to. That same night, we slept together for the first time since we broke up. I still don't love him, but it was nice, comfortable, and it felt right. And I miss him, even though he's still here. Afterwards, he told me that he still loved me, and that he couldn't let go and didn't want to move on. He also told me that he knew I didn't love him, so it was a one-off kind of deal, because it would only complicate things, and it wasn't fair on either of us. So while he's stuck not wanting to move on, he also doesn't want to go backwards, because he feels that we'd only end up in the same place again. My problem, is that now I'm feeling as though I really want to give it another shot. I want the pleasant, and comfortable feeling that we had the other night, back again. I'm not really sure if what I'm feeling is real, or because I'm lonely, or depressed, or a combination of both. It's a somewhat confusing feeling, because I don't want to go back to exactly where we were before, but I do want something, and I don't know what it is.
seoa Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 the depression is certainly going to complicate things - have you gone to your doctor about that, they may be able to offer counselling or some happy pills (if relevant)...? for the relationship, if you're interested in rediscovering love, then "i love you but i'm not in love with you" is probably quite a useful book... and have you tried marriage counselling...? would he agree to go with you, since he still wants the relationship...? it might be that the stagnant state of the relationship is what's causing your depression, also the lack of outside contact (no alternative perspectives)... MC could help with both...???
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