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Am I crazy?


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Posted

Here is what‘s going on... I was with my ex on and off for the past 3 years (on more then off). We said our final good-bye’s with no reason to reconcile a little over a month ago (reason = change in future goals. He (38) doesn’t want children & I (33) think I’d like to have a child someday). This was never the reason for our fights or break ups in the past, this topic was actually very seldom brought up.

Majority of our problems revolved around his lies and infidelity. He liked to drunk call/text girls after bar close when out with the guys. He cheated on me at least one time that I know of. He broke up with me to date a 22 yr old for 3 months. When together, he had a key to my house and was over 7 days a week (he didn’t move in cause he didn’t want to pay rent, but was there EVERY night. I liked him being there, so I never complained about him not paying.) He didn’t help much around my house. He lied to his family and friends about having cancer and needing chemo. He lied to friends about moving out of state. In addition to his countless other lies. He has emotionally hurt me pretty bad.

But I have also seen the vulnerable, hurt, scared, insecure side of him and I have SO much compassion for him. When he breaks down, it is me who he turns to. I feel like he needs me. And every night, he held me so tight. It made me feel so loved. He also did the cutest little things to let me know he was thinking about me. He was my closest friend and my confidant, he was the one to talked to about everything. We also did almost everything together, he was my side kick. We got along very well and had a lot in common… when things were good for us, they were very good! He made me happy and I really loved being with him.

He was the one that ended the relationship. We were having troubles… I was getting on his case about meeting women at the bar, and he was getting irritated about that. So instead of trying to work it out, he thought we should end it since we don’t want the same things for the future (children). But he was very adamant about wanting to stay friends, and not FWB (I tried, he shot me down cause he didn‘t want to lead me on). But he tells me how much he cares about me and how important I am to him and how he’s too messed up to be with anyone regardless of how good the relationship is, so he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, but he wants me in his life. What do you think?

It is tough being JUST his friend…I don’t get how he can do it. I miss the closeness with him SO much. I do believe he does want me in his life. Should I take that away from him just cause we weren’t able to make it as BF/GF? I don’t know if I can go NC, I feel like I’m letting him down doing that.

Please give me advice/support/opinions. I feel like I am going crazy!

Posted

Ok, sorry to put it this way, but you have to 'man up', lady.

you can't have it all ways.

 

First of all, inspite of all his great points (and I have no doubt he has them as you describe) he is a 'damaged' individual who lies to attract sympathy and attention.

That needs therapy, from an expert.

And simply because you feel compassion for him, it doesn't necessarily follow that your presence will actually propel him into healing.

Or you for that matter. Quite the contrary, in fact.

In order to enable people to progress and change for the better, two things have to happen:

One, they have to want to do it.

two, we have to let them.

And if that means slowly withdrawing the props we hold them up with, so be it.

because by giving them all that support - we disable their power, and rob them of the opportunity to energise themselves into doing something for themselves.

 

You have to detach, because whatever future you have with this man, as it stands, it's fractured, unsatisfying and co-dependent.

And you both need the freedom to breathe and make your own progresses.

by all means stay a friend.

but don't bank your future on him for any reason, in any way.

Not until he makes marked progress himself.

  • Author
Posted

He wasn't very good to me... I don't get why I miss him so much and why this hurts so much. I just feel hollow inside. I don't want to call anyone or do anything with anyone else. I still break down and cry about him. On the weekends, I have troubles getting out of bed. I am so sick to my stomach most of the time that I can barely eat anymore. I feel like I am getting worse.

 

I guess what I am asking for is.... how do I get over him? And can anyone explain why I miss him and long for him when he wasn't very good to me? I don't get that! And why can't I walk away from him without feeling like I am letting him down? He's the one that gave up on me!

  • Author
Posted

TaraMaiden, thank you! It made me feel better to read that. I feel so lost right now, that some direction is helpful right now. :-) Very good advice.

 

"but don't bank your future on him for any reason, in any way. Not until he makes marked progress himself." I need to really remember that part! I am still holding on to hopes of a future with him... as delusional as that sounds. But that is what I need to do... is to STOP hoping for a future w/ him.

Thank you!

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