My pathetic days now....

[phoenix1]

Here's how my day goes now: wake up and realize that is was not all a bad dream, feel depressed, want to call in sick, but then realize sitting in my house all day with my mind, alone, will kill me. Drag my self out of bed, start crying before the first cup of coffee. Cry on and off as I get ready for work.

 

Cry on my way, pull myself together and try to focus on work. Constantly have to re-focus. Don't even really care about it, just want the distraction. Check my email and my phone 100 times, hoping the ex has contacted me. Try not to cry all day.

 

Get off work and make sure everyday I have something to do, or someone to be with. Try not to go home until it's later, and not to far from bedtime. Come home, get on my computer, walk around my house and cry full force. Just bawl, a primitive, heartbreaking feeling that takes over my body. Hopefully exhaust myself and get in bed and watch TV until I fall asleep, whenever that is.

 

Eating, oh once in awhile.

 

Repeat

 

Oh yeah, and I used to think I looked really good, felt good about myself, and was really self confident. Now I look in the in the mirror and I see old, tired, ugly, no wonder he left me. My self esteem has gone.

 

Can anybody relate?

[Lyssa]

Been there, done that.

 

You need to pick yourself up, Phoenix1. It's not healthy to be this way. I was in your place once, a few years ago and I picked myself up. If I continued feeling the way you do now, I know for a fact I'd end up being ugly and feel really ****ty about myself. Plus I don't think a lot of my friends would want to see me that way.

[phoenix1]

Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. I'm doing many of the things people suggest, and it's barely keeping me hanging on. Time perhaps, will help some....

[bluewolf17]

I think I did that for two months straight. Then I realized I own my own life, and no one else is making me sad but myself. I decided I was sick of being sad. I started making plans with friends, being more outgoing and faking it. After awhile, I didn't have to fake it anymore.

 

I promise, you will get there. Now get out of bed!

[Lyssa]

Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. I'm doing many of the things people suggest, and it's barely keeping me hanging on. Time perhaps, will help some....

 

Of course it is easier said than done. It wasn't easy for me to do but I hated who I was then so I had to do it to be a better person. I missed who I was prior to what happened.

 

Think about who yu were before all this happened, don't you miss it? (Assuming you were great back then). Yes, given time you will get there... but it also has to come from within.. how much you want to be better.

[hooghie]

It's way easier said than done. You will probably need to do this for a bit longer but try not to lose focus on the ultimate goal that one day, you need to have the strength to stop. I am sure you still look good. You just don't see that right now. Try something different. Get a new hairstyle or color or maybe different make up or clothes. Try to find something that will make you feel attractive again.

[PinkToes]

Crying so much and feeling as if you're always fighting back tears is a pretty good clue that your pain is still very deep; you can't just make up your mind to stop. But you're still taking care of business, even if it feels like you're just going through the motions. So give yourself credit for that.

 

I remember making sure I had someone to talk to every evening for awhile, and I would rotate through my friends so they wouldn't stop answering the phone when I called (they were very tolerant!). It got me through a lot of really dark days, until suddenly I realized I didn't need to do that anymore. Remind yourself that the end of every day is another step forward, even when you feel completely stuck.

 

Here's something else you might do: Look at a calendar and pick a date sometime in the future... a few weeks or months or whatever. Just a random date. Circle that date. And remind yourself that you will be feeling better on that day than you are today.

 

Then, figure out what you're going to do to celebrate your progress. Make it something fun, and look forward to that day. You will get through this.

[jb1173]

Phoenix1, I know you're in a lot of pain. I have felt it very recently myself. Every day is still a struggle.

 

You need to remember that your self-esteem right now is a distorted view. He saw something externally and internally about you to fall for you in the first place. Focus on who that woman was and try your best to see her in the mirror. She is still there behind the pain.

 

There is much to be said for the old saying "fake it 'til you make it". When you wake up in the morning say to yourself that you will choose to recognize at least five things that you can be happy about today. Whether that is the fact that you have a job to go to (in this icky economy), the love of a good friend, family member or pet, or just the fact that you saw something in nature that is beautiful and can be appreciated. Practice forced gratitude until it starts to feel real...and it will.

 

Continue to make plans with your friends and family and keep your calendar full. Having something other than work to look forward to each day will help the time pass...and it is time that will heal the wounds. Do not be afraid to tell loved ones that you need to spend time with them and need support. Everyone has been through this at some time in their life and can relate and many will want to help you. Don't be afraid to go out and meet new people either. Find some singles social and volunteer outings in your area that you can go to. Many of those folks will be in various stages of breakups too, and you might make a few new friends in the process.

 

Also, if you don't already have an exercise regimen, start one. The single best mood lifter is endorphins. The human body cannot help but feel better after working up a good sweat.

 

You need to take care of yourself. It is easy to fall into self-destructive patterns when you are grieving the loss of a loved one. I spent several days in a drunken stupor, which was the wrong way to handle the stress and pain. It only made it worse, and made for some embarrassing emails I sent my ex. I still have to remind myself to eat and take sleeping pills to sleep, but I know this too shall pass.

 

I wish you peace and healing.

[Beeotch]

Here's how my day goes now: wake up and realize that is was not all a bad dream, feel depressed, want to call in sick, but then realize sitting in my house all day with my mind, alone, will kill me. Drag my self out of bed, start crying before the first cup of coffee. Cry on and off as I get ready for work.

 

Cry on my way, pull myself together and try to focus on work. Constantly have to re-focus. Don't even really care about it, just want the distraction. Check my email and my phone 100 times, hoping the ex has contacted me. Try not to cry all day.

 

Get off work and make sure everyday I have something to do, or someone to be with. Try not to go home until it's later, and not to far from bedtime. Come home, get on my computer, walk around my house and cry full force. Just bawl, a primitive, heartbreaking feeling that takes over my body. Hopefully exhaust myself and get in bed and watch TV until I fall asleep, whenever that is.

 

Eating, oh once in awhile.

 

Repeat

 

Oh yeah, and I used to think I looked really good, felt good about myself, and was really self confident. Now I look in the in the mirror and I see old, tired, ugly, no wonder he left me. My self esteem has gone.

 

Can anybody relate?

 

 

I would be lying if I said I have taken it to that extreme (loss of self esteem, not eating, cry until I am exhausted etc)

 

But I can relate. I do not feel distraught over my ex anymore but the first month or 2 after the break up especially the first few weeks I did cry on a weekly basis, maybe daily. I did feel depressed and waking up was THE HARDEST because somehow going to sleep the first few weeks took away the pain and when I woke up for a fraction of a second I forgot we broke up then it HIT ME and I felt like total crap....I felt like we broke up all over again every morning. I felt like I just did not want to continue the day...why bother? When we were together I would wake up to a text from him, during the day I would be guaranteed more texts, I would perhaps see him when my day was done, I would talk to him....now I would go through the day without that or I would lamely attempt to connect to him and not receive the feedback I wanted and be crushed and upset.

 

Yes I did the checking of the phone and the email and messenger pigeon.

 

 

But good news

 

It subsides and then STOPS! It gets WORST before it gets better. Believe me.

 

Am I over my ex completely 100%? Nope. But do I wake up feeling like I cannot go on? I SURE DON'T! I wake up feeling fine. Yes I think of him every now and again but my stomach doesn't get in knots and I don't feel queasy and upset. Do I still think it might be him when I hear a text or my phone ring? Yes I do....but it is not with that intense hope and disappointment and anxiety anymore. It is more like "Hmmm wonder if that might be him".

I am at a point where I am having MORE good days than bad. I am not at the place of indifference. But I am at the place where life is not gray, dismal and sad. I don't feel constantly crushed and suffocated and emotionally drained anymore. Maybe this is acceptance.

 

But yesss.....all I can say is, you just have to go through it. Come up with a rationale about your position that HELPS you to cope and makes YOU feel better. Self-improve. Explore your emotions, grow. Take it as an opportunity to do better, vent, vent and vent. You WILL come out on the other side.

 

Not even 2 weeks ago I was sick to my stomach finding out about my ex's new gf and feeling crushed and upset all over again, wondering why me and praying for a pill to erase him. Now I can think of him and this new girl and honestly not feel sick and move on to a new thought. So if it can happen for me...it CAN AND WILL happen for you. But I didn't have any shortcuts...and MAN DID I WANT THEM. It has been 6 months or so since we broke up and it has only been in the last couple weeks that I am at this place so it DOES take a while but before you know it...you can look back and see how far you have come and before you know it you realize that you can't tell the last you thought of so and so.

[dianna]

Hey there

 

I feel you.He used to tell me that i have beautiful eyes, that I was beautiful etc etc and today, when I look in the mirror ...the beauty has gone.Well I KNOW that we don't need them to tell us that we are beautiful, because we are ..but being a dumpee hides the beauty.I don't know if im making any sense ...

 

My days are dull.I feel dull , bored, im crying, emotional rollercoaster, I eat like a 5 years old , i've lost weight ( i was already very thin )and i don't seem to care. And I hate myself for doing this to my body.

 

I truely hate hate hate hate hate him today

 

Many hugs

[jb1173]

@Dianna: Please take care of yourself, even if you need to force yourself to do it. If you can't actually chew something (why this becomes so difficult, I will never know...but it is how I react to stress) then drink something nutritious and take vitamins.

 

As you say you hate him, that is a good sign. That means you are moving through the anger stage of grieving. For myself, I know I enhanced the anger/rage stage with alcohol, but it was self-destructive. Am I past the anger? Not entirely, but I know that in the depths of my heart I still do love him and don't wish him any ill will. I really do want him to be happy. I wished nothing but happiness for him while we were together...it's saddening to me that being with me didn't bring him the happiness he wanted...and that wish for him hasn't changed. But it is hard not to feel anger at their behavior at times, especially if the other person handled the breakup in a an unnecessarily cruel or hurtful way.

 

Hang in there!

[dianna]

thank you ! I hope we all get over this .....man..i will always remember the year 2009..especially summer or '09

[LakesideDream]

Phoenix1, Like others I understand your situation. Often in life, people tell us "I know how you feel", and you know they don't have a clue. Here at LS an awful lot of us have gone through, and lived through what you are living through now. It's a horrid thing.

 

It's been eight years for me. I still have a bad day now and again. Not about the divorce. Not about the ex. A bad day because my life didn't turn out the way I worked so hard for. Because there aren't enough years to start over again and get back to what and were I'd been.

 

Life is worth living though. There are some really good days. Lots more really good days than bad, probably 10 x 1.

 

A side benifit, I'll never be in that position again. I'll never invest that heavily. Not the wide eyed teen or twenty, I keep my eyes open instead. That means no more bursting into tears in ghe grocery line, or bank, or when the car radio plays one of "those" songs. I'm an "oh well, that's fine" guy now.

[entityzero]

Hello just wanted to give you my support and care as i can totally relate to you and everyone on here, you have got some amazing replys from some truely inspirational people here, but you know what, we're all the same, just people who have the ability to love but are learning all the lessons that come with that.

 

Im 9 months on and you just have to battle the hell the through it, day by day, stay busy and definately No Contact!

[JL911]

Its hard...I am only a month into my breakup. The knot in my stomach still remains...the hard nights of sleep are still there...the sadness and lonelyness still sits in there and I am just not even remotely close to wanting to date anyone just yet...

 

There are days when I wish I could just cry my eyes out and get it out like you. For whatever reason now, I dont cry. Every now and again it kinda flares up and hits me at odd times, but it just isnt there anymore. The first few weeks I spent crying and hitting bottles of whiskey very hard. I was actually pulled out of a bar with by my friends because I wanted to get into a fight (I really dont remember it though)..I guess I was trying to replace the emotional pain with some physical pain...This past month of stress and alcohol abuse has probaly shortened my life by atleast a year...lol

 

I have realized though that the booze wont make it go away. It wont bring her back or change her mind and I need to start worrying about ol JL. Im back in the gym working out daily for 2 hours. I am going to live at that place. It gets a lot of frustration out and tires me out to the point of exhaustion. I am pushing through this I am coping and dealing with it. I will meet and find my someone...

 

I am coping...Feeling very alone...not feeling so hot about who I am now...I know I am a great guy with a lot to offer in a relationship. I think that is what makes it so hard is I cannot understand how she doesnt see it, or is maybe just too blind to see it now...But she will figure it out eventually...by then I am afraid it will be all too late.

 

The unknown and change are both very scary. You went from knowing exactly what was going to happen day to day to now being just scared, sad, and alone. It does get better though...I can say a month ago I didnt know how on Earth I would make it....Or how I would survive...Im still here though...still standing...still fighting for myself to be happy again...You will too...

 

Hang tough...If you need help or someone to talk to post on here or email someone.

[JL911]

Remember you are not alone and this whole community on here is in the very same place you are....It is not rare to find ourselves stuck in these problems. We will rise up together and find happiness again!

 

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them.”

[Treasa]

Oh yes, hon...I've been there. I could have written your words. In fact, I think I'm there right now. *HUGS*

 

But you must believe me about something - there is nothing wrong with YOU. YOU are a wonderful, beautiful person. People often make stupid decisions, and it's clearly what he did.

 

I remember a guy I never thought I would get over. I was crushed about him. For weeks I did nothing but exist, staring out the window, so numb from crying, wondering if I'd ever be happy again.

 

And yes, it took a while, but I did get stronger and happier again. After a while I realized he was a jerk, and I was better off for being rid of him.

 

Now I'm glad I dodged that bullet! And I realized that being with him or not being with him had no bearing on ME.

[Serena2009]

@phoenix1 -- I know its hard right now but IT WILL GET EASIER WITH TIME!! Your guy was CP and what you must keep in mind is that with any relationship he has, he will bring the unresolved CP issues with him!! So . . . regarding him being with someone else so soon, it means nothing. It's easy for him to become involved because he isn't emotionally attached to her like he was with you. The CP alarm bells that sets them in motion of maintaining distance or flight from a relationship are still there within him, lock, stock,, and barrel!! And. . .sad as it is. . . if he hasn't resolved this issue, you don't want him back anyway because he can't engage in a relationship in a healthy way. I know, those of us who were involved with CP's have this fantasy of this wonderful relationship of no fighting, mutual support, connection, romance . . . and how could a relationship so wonderful without issues end. Well, the relationship ends because in reality there is a big issue and the issue is CP. And we can't do a thing to resolve this issue. It's all up to them!! I know its hard!! It's very hard especially when you've been involved with a CP because the relationship usually doesn't end due to betrayal or nastiness. It ends because the CP consciously or subconciously freaks at a certain level of emotional attachment and works to create distance or flees. My guy even said to me at one point, I can't believe you want to continue because what if it deteriorates. I told him normal people end relationships when they deteriorate, not because of what ifs. My guy would say What if six months down the road . . . sure its great now but what if . . .what if. . . what if. . . what if. . . Tell yourself that you only want this relationship if he fully recovers from his CP affliction and then go NC. Don't contact him for any reason and don't respond to any of his attempts to contact you unless he proves that he really wants to cure himself and invest in this relationship in a healthy way. (I think him telling you about a woman he's pursuing was disrespectful and self serving and suc&ed big time and may have even been an attempt to hook you back in; it reminds me of my guy showing up after 5 weeks NC post-breakup, taking responsibility for his actions and declaring he made a mistake only to a week and a half later say he's doing a little dating and its kinda fun. What BS!! I didn't bite and went NC.) Take this time to focus on yourself and do the things that you like to do. Make a list of what you really want in a relationship. The obssessive thinking and feeling about the relationship will dwindle as you become more focused on you. As you become more and more focused on you, your self confidence will return and you'll be in a much better position should he come back to decide whether he cuts the mustard and can give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve!! Take care and hang in there!! You're not alone going through this!! Georgia girl, Surfer girl, you and I are all of similar ages and in similar boats being in (or out) of relationships with CP men.

 

PS Right after my relationship ended I felt completely undesirable. Trust me, this too will pass!!

[icyness]

Can totally relate.

The only reason I don't call or attempt to contact him anymore is knowing how it will do absolutely no good, and I don't want him to think any lower of me than he already does from all the previous setbacks I did for about 6 weeks after he left me.

 

Other than that, I'm dying to send that email every second.

I know it would only fall on deaf ears, yet I keep thinking there has to be something I can say or do to change his mind; I'm still in that mindset and I don't know why I allow it.

 

I know the things I need to be doing to improve myself, yet I don't do a majority of them.

I'm not the zombie I was when it first happened, yet I'm not doing anything to actually heal myself. I'm wallowing in between..hoping..and it's making me utterly depressed inside.

I know it's no ones doing but mine, so whatever consequences may appear later on, I know it's no ones fault but mine.

 

I feel like I'm never going to hear from again.

My feelings haven't changed one bit since the break-up, and I want him to come back.

I'm pitting opposites against each other setting myself up for constant disappointment..and I'm okay with it because it makes me feel I'm still in his realm somehow..how pathetic is that.

 

 

Seeing others post though, and knowing they got through this or are getting through this makes me feel a bit stronger..a bit more hopeful of everything each day.

 

I just keep up the brave face for those around me, and continue to tell myself what others do. It will get better.

It has to for you too. For us all. xo

[caramel c]

Serena your words really hit home with me. My ex labeled the reason as anxiety/panic/doubts but could not be more specific. The more and more I evaluate the more and more I think he is committment phobic.

 

Thank you, that really helped me understand a few things.

 

Ultimately, we have to look out for ourselves. We have to be happy for ourselves. We have to get on with ourselves. We are in charge of the show now. Let the screenplay change into a better one than the one we are acting out. I am trying so hard. I do think I am making progress and so will YOU, all of you.

[phoenix1]

......for all of your support. Yeah, I am definitely in the "going through the motions" part. I'm not lying in bed, all day, I'm doing stuff, until I'm exhausted. But the truth is I just don't care about any of it. Today was a little better -I tried not to cry all day, not to dwell. And it kinda helped. I just felt really depressed and kind of numb inside, dead. Everything takes so much effort. After much breaking up and getting back together and trying to be friends, it's now 3 1/2 days NC. We've gone longer before, but for some reason this time it feels especially challenging.

 

@Serena, yes, he's CP for sure. He kinda even knows it on some level, but he's not ready to do anything about it. As we broke up the last time, he told me knew he was going to regret it, that he would never meet a woman like me, that I was the perfect partner....etc. To his credit, as selfish as he was at times, I think he just knew how much he was hurting me and couldn't do it anymore. I suppose I should be grateful...but the thing about CP relationships is they are amazing, and then out of nowhere - wham!! Not when things are going bad, usually when they are going really good. Because it's just too much for them, and they panic, freak, and run. It's terribly sad and heartbreaking because I actually do believe that he really loves me, his fear is just greater than that love ):