Banging head again

[aussiegirl66]

No offence Aussie girl... but please do not compare us!

 

I have read only a bit of your thread and I truly think it is the extreme. I had a 10 month Affair, both physical and emotional and actually knew my MM.

 

Please please do not assume my actions are anywhere near what you have choose to do. While I am not judging it, I would never have gone to the lengths you have.

 

I simply believe contrary to many here, that MM is also responsible for our relationship. I expect nothing from his Wife, nor would I ever; however like it or not he was involved with me and to a small extent I hold him responsible just like a BS would.

 

I don't expect him to fix me, but I do expect him to be accountable for his role and behave like a grown up and treat all three involved with respect and human decency. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

However; contact MM via channels we have used in nothing in comparison to hunting down additional information and weaving yourself in there. IMO, that is truly unhealthy and I would be highly concerned if anyone did it, on either side of the fence.

 

MM lost my number when we first met and said he was thinking about knocking on the door.... I said, better be lucky you didn't because that would have totally freaked me out.

 

( in hindsight....wish he would have knocked...lol)

 

Sanafa

 

1) Firstly, I am not comparing your situation/actions to mine, hence the disclaimer above which I posted in italics above and which concerned me in case you thought I was doing so, when I replied to the posters above.

 

2) Secondly I knew mine too, it was not a PA, but it was emotional, yes not nearly to the extent of time that yours was. Again, I agree - no comparison.

 

3) I agree with what you are saying about respect and being treated like a human being. I would have liked some of that too, though of course, to a much smaller extent than you feel/felt entitled to.

 

4) Yes, I did hunt down additional information and used it only because I felt I had to (many months after his last contact, something else happened, I snapped and got angry with him about no explanation for rejecting me all those months back, and contacted his wife). In the end though, I didn't really want to cause more pain by seeing where he lived and possibly more hurt to myself, so I didn't go past his house.

 

5) You can say that jokingly now, which is a good sign!

[Sanafa]

Sanafa

 

1) Firstly, I am not comparing your situation/actions to mine, hence the disclaimer above which I posted in italics above and which concerned me in case you thought I was doing so, when I replied to the posters above.

 

2) Secondly I knew mine too, it was not a PA, but it was emotional, yes not nearly to the extent of time that yours was. Again, I agree - no comparison.

 

3) I agree with what you are saying about respect and being treated like a human being. I would have liked some of that too, though of course, to a much smaller extent than you feel/felt entitled to.

 

4) Yes, I did hunt down additional information and used it only because I felt I had to (many months after his last contact, something else happened, I snapped and got angry with him about no explanation for rejecting me all those months back, and contacted his wife). In the end though, I didn't really want to cause more pain by seeing where he lived and possibly more hurt to myself, so I didn't go past his house.

 

5) You can say that jokingly now, which is a good sign!

 

I appreciate the clarification and did see the disclaimer; however suggesting in your first paragraph that what happened to you could happen to me is drawing a comparison and that is what concerned me.

 

Neither myself or MM would allow anything to get to the lengths it has in your situation. And to be honest, if we were talking about one date- I personally would expect nothing at all. Moving on would have been so much easier.

 

As for finding the funny in it. I am in a mind over emotion state at the moment... tired of the ongoing emotional drain and entirely focused on what I need, regardless of what others believe is right or wrong. Only I know me and as I said to NID.... my choice to hold him accountable is not in fear of him being angry or withdrawn as it isn't my desire to go back.

 

I also know that we loved each other, and like anyone else that means getting angry occasionally and not always liking the others actions... by no means one corrolate to another. If he chooses to "hate" me for expecting common courtesy and respect, than by all means he is welcome to that.

 

We are in a precarious situation of having to see each other in more social settings and to be honest I am tired of the panic attacks/emotional drain that is causing me. As far as I am concerned.... what has happened has happened and as he would say... It is what it is.....we all need to be grownups and deal with it in a way that no one ( including myself) feels slighted.

 

And while the affair roller coaster can cause even the most sane person to feel unstable and I have certainly had my moments of angry outbursts followed by extreme pain with the emotions... somehow I have managed to keep myself in reality.... or at least inline with the rest of this insane world.

[aussiegirl66]

I appreciate the clarification and did see the disclaimer; however suggesting in your first paragraph that what happened to you could happen to me is drawing a comparison and that is what concerned me.

 

Neither myself or MM would allow anything to get to the lengths it has in your situation. And to be honest, if we were talking about one date- I personally would expect nothing at all. Moving on would have been so much easier.

 

As for finding the funny in it. I am in a mind over emotion state at the moment... tired of the ongoing emotional drain and entirely focused on what I need, regardless of what others believe is right or wrong. Only I know me and as I said to NID.... my choice to hold him accountable is not in fear of him being angry or withdrawn as it isn't my desire to go back.

 

I also know that we loved each other, and like anyone else that means getting angry occasionally and not always liking the others actions... by no means one corrolate to another. If he chooses to "hate" me for expecting common courtesy and respect, than by all means he is welcome to that.

 

We are in a precarious situation of having to see each other in more social settings and to be honest I am tired of the panic attacks/emotional drain that is causing me. As far as I am concerned.... what has happened has happened and as he would say... It is what it is.....we all need to be grownups and deal with it in a way that no one ( including myself) feels slighted.

 

And while the affair roller coaster can cause even the most sane person to feel unstable and I have certainly had my moments of angry outbursts followed by extreme pain with the emotions... somehow I have managed to keep myself in reality.... or at least inline with the rest of this insane world.

 

 

Sanafa....O.K. I see where you are coming from...so I am sorry - perhaps in my desperate desire to find someone like me I drew a rather long bow. Yeah, it was one date but it didn't just end there...there were texts, IM conversations, some emails, a kind of agreement that we would take up were we left off after a "break" which he thought would be "good for us" - though I wonder whether he only saw it as a "one-date blow off" that way in the end to justify what he did and discount everything.

 

Anyway, to focus on your situation, I cannot say much, due to inexperience, basically, but you sound like you are both rational and level-headed about this and I sincerely doubt he hates you - what could possibly be his justification for that? If you mean that you are tormenting him by your forthcoming presence, well that makes sense, but I doubt he could hold any real animosity towards you.

 

My suggestion, for what it is worth, is there some way you can break NC just once again to communicate with him about what your current needs are in terms of strategies for handling awkward upcoming social situations, and also to get any explanation for his actions you need? I mean, even if he doesn't reply and ignores you, would it be healthier for you in terms of gettting this off your chest at least and giving him some insight as to how you feel? Sorry if this is way off the mark in terms of understanding how you feel, just trying to be helpful!

[Sanafa]

Started a new thread and figured I would just keep it all here.

 

Aussie, to answer your question my "banging my head" was because I lost it and sent an angry email...

 

We did talk.... today. He sent an email last night and said he wasn't sure if he could help, but would call to talk briefly.

 

This is not for everyone! Truly..... we do know each other, and we are "wired" similarly but it doesn't work for all.

 

Thankfully, it was very positive. We stayed focused and had an opportunity to address 2 pivotal things that had been bothering us both as well as addressing the upcoming events.

 

It was powerful because it allowed both of us to see what was hindering ourselves. For me, I seen the lack of response to something professional as disrespectful and to him he seen it as trying to stay in NC. We both had to look at it from the other's perspective to understand the difference of opinions and it did help.

 

We didn't focus on the marriage or our past... we focused on being respectful with each other and addressing what has been causing my panic attacks and outbursts and listening to each other. It's funny, because I teach Anger managment and forgot the first rule.... Often times, listening is all that is needed. And for me, it was a great relief to share the anger thoughts with the person involved.

 

Again, not everyone will agree.... but for me and I believe for him.... it is far less emotionally demanding to talk and move forward than to spend hours obsessing over what the other is thinking/doing and the guilt of hurting the other.

 

I was open in allowing his W to be apart of the conversation as I truly don't want to hurt the recovery..... and he will decide if he will share it. But like I said, it is far easier to put the energy where needed ( him - his family, me- working on me) by clearing the air than continuing to lose sleep over the OP and both of us were doing that.

 

Now... I don't think I am cured... I think it is a baby step..... with the others coming with seeing each other, but we both agreed we respect the decision for him to stay and his effort to recovery.... I won't hinder that and I think there is relief in that for both him and I.

 

So, NC works for some.... but there are certain people that also benefit from very limited LC.

 

I will still miss him, but you know it wasn't increased today as I worried about... I love him and always will ... what was strengthened was that and the importance of supporting him and letting him go to work on what he needs to. And surprising but not... he offered to cover any IC charges should I decide to utilize that with a private therapist here, and while I initially said no.... I may take him up on it as I have done IC in the past, but have never been through the aftermath of an affair.

[aussiegirl66]

Wow Sanafa, that sounds great...sounds like it was what you wanted and now hopefully should make the grieving/recovery process a bit easier for you. Congratulations on how skill fullyyou handled it all and I mean that sincerely.

[Devil Inside]

Sanafa

 

I would be careful to leave any ties to him open. Having him pay for your IC does not sound like a good idea to me. I think that any links to him will make it extremely difficult for you to have true closure.

 

Please take care of you.

[Sanafa]

Thanks Devil

 

I am being true to myself and honestly, I am a firm believer that we are better letting each other go in a positive manner than sitting thinking about each other every night and worrying about what the other is thinking.

 

We both have to place our energies in recovery of ourselves...... I think it benefits us both to have some security in knowing we forgive each other.

 

I thanked him very much for the offer of IC, generous as private therapists are far from cheap in my city.... but as I said to him - at the moment, I feel as if I am doing the hard work and unless I really regress... I am ok working through this.

[Lovely10]

I've been reading this thread and all of the others and I'm really confused. In the beginning, Sanafa, didn't you say that you knew he would never leave his wife and that you two were doing this for the fun of it... but that feelings developed? If my recollection is correct, why are you hurt? I mean it seems that it ending at some point was part of the bargain at the onset. Wouldn't you agree that maybe in some way you are going back on your end of the deal? Now expecting him to be accountable to you as a relationship partner, when you two did have an agreement that gave no such promise?

[Sanafa]

I've been reading this thread and all of the others and I'm really confused. In the beginning, Sanafa, didn't you say that you knew he would never leave his wife and that you two were doing this for the fun of it... but that feelings developed? If my recollection is correct, why are you hurt? I mean it seems that it ending at some point was part of the bargain at the onset. Wouldn't you agree that maybe in some way you are going back on your end of the deal? Now expecting him to be accountable to you as a relationship partner, when you two did have an agreement that gave no such promise?

 

I was writing a long response..... but decided against it.

 

People will argue about the BS contacting the OW... the OW contacting either BS/WS and at the end of the day..... as far as I am concerned.

 

An affair is 3 people.... WE developed feeling ( not just me verses him) and we took our A to a incredible emotional, human and real level.

 

I am really tired of reading the constant beating of peoples choices.

 

Some will believe NC is a must for them.... others will believe clearing the air has it's benefits and then you will have all the in between.

 

I will always be grateful that neither of us filled the other with promises, but that does not mean we did not talk about a future...rather we keep it real and knew if that day were to come, it would not be an easy one for any involved.

 

He never played me, nor I him.....and I am so grateful that we have managed to handle this the way we have. It works for ME... and since he knew who I was, he also knew what I would need to assist me with moving forward.

 

As far as I am concerned losing sleep worrying about the pain/guilt/anger and "what I am thinking" is no more beneficial to him in his recovery and work that he has to do than it is with me.

 

So.... truthfully... I think I did us both a favor..... as I said to him, better that we are not spending energy wondering... yes, there will still be the missing pain.... but at least not all the clouded questions that simply feeds it.

 

If people only realized the benefit of taking love and acceptance from their past into their future WITHOUT assuming it means anything other than it does... I truly think everyone would find the pain a little more bearable.

 

I love him... he loves me.... he loves his wife.... he made a choice.... I accept that choice.... it does not mean love goes away.... accepting it as it is and moving on is growth.... pushing it down to accommodate others is dangerous to all.

 

And anyone who believes it is as simple as "mourning" and moving on has no idea what love is.... It certainly has levels.... but if you truly loved (not the romantic version) someone, you will always love them and if you don't deal with that and accept it for what it is... you are simply playing with fire as we see all too often with long lost loves or affairs.

[ladydesigner]

I love him... he loves me.... he loves his wife.... he made a choice.... I accept that choice.... it does not mean love goes away.... accepting it as it is and moving on is growth.... pushing it down to accommodate others is dangerous to all.

 

This is very well said Sanafa. I believe this to be similar to my situation as well. Certain choices have to be made, but it doesn't mean that the love is gone. I like this...

[Lovely10]

One can love unconditionally and carry unconditional love with them. But doing so requires, necessarily, that a claim on them be done away with entirely. A romance, whether it be based on true love or not, once ended... requires that one let the other go. If this man were single I seriously doubt he would feel obligated to offer you counseling to get over him. Once he ended it that would be that. Hanging onto him for obligations you perceive he owes you isn't love at all. It certainly isn't the kind of love you are speaking about. In all sincerity, once one of the lovers ends the romance it's over. One can carry the love forward and not judge it. However at the same time one cannot demand explanations or assistance in getting over it no differently than one could reasonably demand of a single man. If he were single and had nothing to risk (such as a very real threat that you could make his situation public if you were to freak out) he wouldn't be offering you anything. I think his willingness to talk with you has more to do with trying to minimize the confusion you could cause if you flipped out and wanted revenge in the wake of discovering perhaps that it wasn't what you thought it was. Then again, maybe it was what you thought it was... in either case one cannot claim to love and to bring that love into their present and future without respecting the obligation you have to let the other one go and to make no claim to their life. IMO, I think that is what you may be doing.

[Lovely10]

I would also like to add something.

 

An affair isn't between 3 people. It affects 3 people. In cases where there are children, it affects them as well.

[Sanafa]

One can love unconditionally and carry unconditional love with them. But doing so requires, necessarily, that a claim on them be done away with entirely. A romance, whether it be based on true love or not, once ended... requires that one let the other go. If this man were single I seriously doubt he would feel obligated to offer you counseling to get over him. Once he ended it that would be that. Hanging onto him for obligations you perceive he owes you isn't love at all. It certainly isn't the kind of love you are speaking about. In all sincerity, once one of the lovers ends the romance it's over. One can carry the love forward and not judge it. However at the same time one cannot demand explanations or assistance in getting over it no differently than one could reasonably demand of a single man. If he were single and had nothing to risk (such as a very real threat that you could make his situation public if you were to freak out) he wouldn't be offering you anything. I think his willingness to talk with you has more to do with trying to minimize the confusion you could cause if you flipped out and wanted revenge in the wake of discovering perhaps that it wasn't what you thought it was. Then again, maybe it was what you thought it was... in either case one cannot claim to love and to bring that love into their present and future without respecting the obligation you have to let the other one go and to make no claim to their life. IMO, I think that is what you may be doing.

 

Lovely,

 

Could you please break up your posts? Really difficult to read.

 

I am wondering how much of my story you have read? There is nothing I could possibly do to "us" to make things worse than our DDay... EVERYTHING is out in the open. No one is holding anyone hostage here or doing things to prevent further damage.

 

And NO where am I claiming anything of his life. While I appreciate your views are different than mine... they do not make them more valid.

 

And can I ask ... are you a BS or a OW or..... I am uncertain and it may assist me in better understanding where you stand.

 

Regardless... I am really really grateful that we are the we are!!!!! I cannot stress that enough, especially the more I read here.

 

Had we been single as you suggested... things would have either

 

1. Ended because something was wrong

 

or

 

2. Continued

 

You cannot compare the two.... He did not leave me until after DDay... there is nothing at all comparable in an affair. We didn't have the normal... ok, this isn't working... we had a " Ok.... here we go... what happens next"

 

As I said

 

We loved each other, NEVER once in any post have I suggested he did not love his wife as well..... and as I said in another thread... I do believe you can love two... but you can only commit to one.

 

When that decision had to be made... he made it.... simple as that.

 

I am not going to debate if how we handled things ( didn't break his fingers to pick up the phone by the way) is right or wrong... it is how WE handled it.

 

As for how many are involved... I agree 100% .... the 3 are the core but many are effected and have been from our Affair including his daughters. Again, if you have read my posts... you would clearly see that I have stated that several times and they is and was a great deal of guilt and pain for those including his Wife that we hurt..... been through that full on.

[NoIDidn't]

If people only realized the benefit of taking love and acceptance from their past into their future WITHOUT assuming it means anything other than it does... I truly think everyone would find the pain a little more bearable.

 

You said the above and then you said the below.

 

I love him... he loves me.... he loves his wife.... he made a choice.... I accept that choice.... it does not mean love goes away.... accepting it as it is and moving on is growth.... pushing it down to accommodate others is dangerous to all.

 

Huh? So he has to accommodate loving you and he isn't allowed to push it away to work on his marriage? Is that what you are saying? I am not following your reasoning here.

 

And anyone who believes it is as simple as "mourning" and moving on has no idea what love is.... It certainly has levels.... but if you truly loved (not the romantic version) someone, you will always love them and if you don't deal with that and accept it for what it is... you are simply playing with fire as we see all too often with long lost loves or affairs.

 

I'm sorry, Sanafa, but this made me laugh and not in a good way. In one breath you berate others for their feelings about NC, in the next you go into a rant about how your way is better? Seriously? Sounds like you aren't quite ready to let go of the AFFAIR, not the love. Sounds like you are demanding that he remind you that he loves you so YOU can make it through the day, not for his benefit at all.

 

I fail to see how any of this contact is helping you. All it will lead to is more and more and more contact, until the A is restarted. If that is what you want, fine. But if the goal is the end of the affair and moving on, what is the point of all this love talk?

[Sanafa]

 

Huh? So he has to accommodate loving you and he isn't allowed to push it away to work on his marriage? Is that what you are saying? I am not following your reasoning here.

How is this confusing or making him do anything???? How is burying, denying or "pushing away" ANY feeling beneficial????? especially to recovery.

 

We hear it all the time.... deal with anger, pain, love and accept it and move on... both statements suggest that.

 

Sorry NID... but again... the last thing I would want is my husband to deny his feeling and stuff him just to make me feel better. Truth..... everything comes back up...

 

 

I'm sorry, Sanafa, but this made me laugh and not in a good way. In one breath you berate others for their feelings about NC, in the next you go into a rant about how your way is better? Seriously? Sounds like you aren't quite ready to let go of the AFFAIR, not the love. Sounds like you are demanding that he remind you that he loves you so YOU can make it through the day, not for his benefit at all.

I am not DEMANDING anything..... we didn't sit on the phone talking all lovey dovey... or anything remotely close to that. And I am not demanding that he tell me anything he does not want... but if you are asking if it is easy for me to know we are ok and can move forward.... than yes, guilty as charged.

 

I fail to see how any of this contact is helping you. All it will lead to is more and more and more contact, until the A is restarted. If that is what you want, fine. But if the goal is the end of the affair and moving on, what is the point of all this love talk?

 

 

Not a chance.... but again you don't me and you don't know him. And no choice we will be face to face... What do you suggest .... I of course being the OW move from my city? Stop attending events? Stop attending work events? Stop instructing near his office?

 

And we are talking about a phone call... that he will choose to discuss with his W or IC.... no hidden secret meetings planned.

 

BTW... who did I BERATE?

 

So my disagreeing is berating but yours is valid.... not this again

[NoIDidn't]

Calm down, Sanafa. There is no "this again" unless you do it again. I find it hard to believe that you teach anger management.

 

The portion of your post that I felt was "berating" was about the tone. All the "people say this, and they are wrong for US, because THIS is how I'm going to do it" is the berating part. And, no, I am not quoting you, I am representing in quotes what I think of the parts of the post that stuck out to me.

 

To judge others because their feelings contradict your own is quite hypocritical. That's why I used the word berate.

 

I realize that this is likely your only/first affair and the feelings are new to you. But believe me that no one has to know you or him personally to know how this constant contact that you desire is going to play out. These things really do follow a script. You might sincerely mean it as innocent contact, but even ignorance can be sincere. My point, NC is your friend and you are fighting it tooth and nail. You are disrespecting whatever love you had by forcing him out of NC for any reason.

 

Do with this information what you want. Disagree as is your right. But I think you do yourself a disservice.

[Sanafa]

Calm down, Sanafa. There is no "this again" unless you do it again. I find it hard to believe that you teach anger management.

 

The portion of your post that I felt was "berating" was about the tone. All the "people say this, and they are wrong for US, because THIS is how I'm going to do it" is the berating part. And, no, I am not quoting you, I am representing in quotes what I think of the parts of the post that stuck out to me.

 

To judge others because their feelings contradict your own is quite hypocritical. That's why I used the word berate.

 

I realize that this is likely your only/first affair and the feelings are new to you. But believe me that no one has to know you or him personally to know how this constant contact that you desire is going to play out. These things really do follow a script. You might sincerely mean it as innocent contact, but even ignorance can be sincere. My point, NC is your friend and you are fighting it tooth and nail. You are disrespecting whatever love you had by forcing him out of NC for any reason.

 

Do with this information what you want. Disagree as is your right. But I think you do yourself a disservice.

 

 

NID.... you must understand that I am not angry... but I do write directly.

 

Second, not ALL people say it..... there is very much arguments including therapists on both sides of the fence. And I would think suggesting as I did that it may not be for everyone is fair and not at all telling them I think it is right, in fact the exact opposite.

 

As for you opinion... it's yours and as I said... I am extremely happy to leave things alone now...so that is a huge step forward and I have to say

 

After talking to him.... he had spent sleepless nights wondering things as well.. to me.... he should be 100% focused on the marriage... and NOT wondering what I am thinking/feeling. So if I can release him of those questions and he can do the same... it allows us to refocus on ourselves.

 

Again... I truly think BS freak because one they know it could be happening in their situation and two the trust is gone.... I understand that, but not all OW are willing to throw themselves back into an Affair.... I will never do it again... not with him or anyone, I am certain of that.

[Lovely10]

You may be unwittingly creating an exasperated dynamic with his wife though. And if any of these encounters you expect to be having with him include his wife then I would encourage you to be very careful not to push what is perhaps already a very volatile situation. If my husband had an affair with a woman who was having personal problems dealing with the ending of the affair and required his emotional support I'd probably blow a gasket.

[Sanafa]

You may be unwittingly creating an exasperated dynamic with his wife though. And if any of these encounters you expect to be having with him include his wife then I would encourage you to be very careful not to push what is perhaps already a very volatile situation. If my husband had an affair with a woman who was having personal problems dealing with the ending of the affair and required his emotional support I'd probably blow a gasket.

 

 

Thankfully she is wired similar to us... so we will be fine and in truth I suggested he consider addressing it with her so that she will also not be sideswiped by seeing each other.

 

Again, no benefit to "blowing a gasket" with each other as both I am sure are capable of doing emotional damage.... enough of that to go around without adding to it.

 

I am unsure what your story is.... but I am certainly not the only OW who has had support from the XMM after the affair... primarily depends on the individuals, having said that I am also certain many do not share that... and I was very clear he could.

 

I will say this... it sucks for all to be in various situations together so soon. I anticipate only one family event but never the less it will be difficult for the W and I do know that. Thankfully, there is no mingling at most.. it is seated so no concern for chat or anything else as the others he will most likely be there alone or with friend/colleague... simply in each others presence... which is bad enough.

[NoIDidn't]

You may be unwittingly creating an exasperated dynamic with his wife though. And if any of these encounters you expect to be having with him include his wife then I would encourage you to be very careful not to push what is perhaps already a very volatile situation. If my husband had an affair with a woman who was having personal problems dealing with the ending of the affair and required his emotional support I'd probably blow a gasket.

 

I agree. And this is the problem with affairs. The trust is gone between the BS and the WS and contact with the OP under any circumstances is just going to exasperate the problem.

 

I understand that Sanafa thinks she knows how the W will respond because they are "wired" similarly, but I think she is walking into a hornet's nest.

 

Contact in affairs is like taking a hit of a favorite mind altering substance. It makes sense that they both feel better after this contact, but its not going to help them in the long run.

 

Recovery from an affair has to be a long run game, not a bunch of short term modifications.

 

I honestly don't see the point of revisiting the feelings if the relationship is over. I have loved many others over my lifetime and have no need to contact them to relive those feelings as those relationships are over. In fact, what usually happens when people revisit old romantic feelings is an affair or some other kind of rekindled relationship if the people aren't already married. Just look at the research from Classmates and Reunion type sites. There is a reason for NC.

 

The amount of times that I have read that an OP continued contact after the end of an A, and got "sucked back in", or that they "didn't mean for it to happen again, but we realized that we still loved each other" - is practically innumerable. It is just not helpful to have continued contact.

[Sanafa]

I agree. And this is the problem with affairs. The trust is gone between the BS and the WS and contact with the OP under any circumstances is just going to exasperate the problem.

 

I understand that Sanafa thinks she knows how the W will respond because they are "wired" similarly, but I think she is walking into a hornet's nest.

 

Contact in affairs is like taking a hit of a favorite mind altering substance. It makes sense that they both feel better after this contact, but its not going to help them in the long run.

 

Recovery from an affair has to be a long run game, not a bunch of short term modifications.

 

I honestly don't see the point of revisiting the feelings if the relationship is over. I have loved many others over my lifetime and have no need to contact them to relive those feelings as those relationships are over. In fact, what usually happens when people revisit old romantic feelings is an affair or some other kind of rekindled relationship if the people aren't already married. Just look at the research from Classmates and Reunion type sites. There is a reason for NC.

 

The amount of times that I have read that an OP continued contact after the end of an A, and got "sucked back in", or that they "didn't mean for it to happen again, but we realized that we still loved each other" - is practically innumerable. It is just not helpful to have continued contact.

 

I can tell you this.... I will tell you if she does... that I promise. However I am as certain as I can be that she will handle it in a similar manner. I will also be honest in a month from now, If I regret making the contact... however right now, I do not.

 

And again... we are very different... I still talk to several "ex's" and have only once every gone back that was in a 6 year plus relationship... and for a very short stint.... however we do still keep in touch.

 

The point is..... as I said earlier.... you cannot assume all are the same... you just can't and I truly believe the position comes from the fear that if they have any communication there will be a reconnection.

 

As I said to you NID... she is going to have to trust him, as I have no plans on moving or giving up my company to provide assurances.

[becky2009]

I have been reading this quote about 10 times a day...hope it helps

 

 

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.

Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.

It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.

It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which

we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means

taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,

and love, as much as possible.

[Sanafa]

I have been reading this quote about 10 times a day...hope it helps

 

 

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.

Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.

It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.

It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which

we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means

taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,

and love, as much as possible.

 

Thanks Becky... Very empowering and useful!

[Lovely10]

Remaining friends with single men with whom you were involved is vastly different than remaining in contact with a married man with whom you were involved... especially if NC has been established. These two things are like night and day. I can see how his wife would be eager for you to leave their marriage dynamic and her husband's life. And, as for the wiring... you'd be surprised how wires can get crossed in the wake of infidelity. A hornet's nest might not even approximate what you could be stirring up.

 

My husband was married to a woman who held onto all of her ex's. It was almost as if she was a 'collector'. Never really letting go. Never really moving on. Never getting to the point of closure. Never giving them a kiss on the cheek and wishing them well with a goodbye. Always rotating back and forth seeing her first ex husband, trying to see my husband, and on and on. She finally married her MM after he left a 36 year marriage following a 9 year affair with him. Now he rotates out visiting his ex wife with whom he spends literally weeks on end with. All because they don't want to say goodbye.

 

Sometimes letting someone go is the greatest act of love one could possibly offer. It allows for life to progress. It allows for evolution. It opens the door to the possibility that even though we don't get what we want... there is something of even greater value waiting for us. If you love this man then give him his freedom. No strings. No obligations. And let them sort their life out. Close the door so you can open a new one. Sometimes things don't work out because they just couldn't.

[NoIDidn't]

Funny that becky posts a poem that says what I've been saying, but she gets "very empowering" and I get....complaints.

 

HmmpH!!