Is the grass always greener, & do people really change?

[icyness]

I'm sure this has been brought up a lot in past threads, however I've searched and didn't come across an actual solid thread concerning this specifically; if there is one, my apologies.

I just wanted to get some deep thoughts and conversations going on these particular topics.

 

Basically what I'm wondering is, is the grass always greener?

Among the various reasons our ex's leave us, (aside from serious situations such as cheating or abuse) it seems a good majority of them just aren't sure what they want, need space, freedom, are bored, they no longer feel the same, etc. and we're left wondering what the hell really happened.

Do you think it's always better on the other side after all, or just different?

 

This is also somewhat related I suppose; do people really change?

Now, after a couple of months of reading forums, articles, blogs and people's general opinions regarding these relationship matters, I think this one confuses me the most.

 

The reason being, you'll get this general notion that people are who they are, and there's no changing them no matter how you try. You either accept them the way they are, or you don't.

 

Then there's the this whole other consensus that a main reasoning for one to depart from a long term/meaningful/loving relationship is that they have simply changed.

 

This leads me to wonder if people really do alter their inner being, or is it a facade they're fooling themselves into and may not even be aware of?

 

Of course we all change our outlook and perception on a lot of aspects in life. Our minds, feelings, thoughts and beliefs evolve as we grow, but through it all, we are known for being who we are inside.

With this type of change of the mind and heart however, wouldn't a person's most hardcore inner being have to actually go from one well established trait to another..actually altering who they are?

 

I hope I'm not getting too confusing; this is all really just some brainstorming.

I'd love for everyone and anyone to jump in with their thoughts on any of it. xo

[gorgio]

I think it's more complex than that. I do believe that people change, some for the better and some for worse. It's not that the grass is greener, things are just different.

 

From my recent experience, I dumped her, took her back then she dumped me since she 'changed' and eventually took me back. Even though I was dumped again (silly me ) I realized that I changed for the better and that we were no longer compatible. She became a nasty selfish biatch and our needs / wants were not aligned. So in a way she 'set me free' and found someone who she was more compatible with.

 

So it's not about the grass but about where people are in life. Looking back, now that I am getting over her, I realize that I was (am) in a totally different place and am glad she found 'greener grass'.

[ryepatch]

this is driving me crazy, too. my wife left behind everything--her cats, her paintings, her cds, her photos, her clothes (most of them). . . just walked away from her life and vrything she believed in and always made her happy. . .

 

 

she always found the idea of the two of us so compelling, the idea of two people spending their entire lives together (since age 21, we're 30 now) and knowing every inch of each other's minds and histories. how she could walk away from that to "find herself. . ." she hasn't been having much success, it's been 3 months and she's been all over the country and done lots of acid and mushrooms and is still angry and confused.

 

i don't see how she can have changed that much. . . i think it's a phase. who knows how long it'll last. . . it's like they get possessed. . .

[EricaH329]

Do you think it's always better on the other side after all, or just different?

 

I'm a little confused as to what you mean by this. If you are asking if it's better to be in their shoes, I would have to say absolutely not.

 

As far as the whole 'changing' subject goes... I believe that there are two main reasons as to why someone would change. And i'm talking about realllyyyy changing. From the inside. One of those reasons is if something traumatic happens. It could be anything. From a very serious break up, one that makes them sit back and reflect upon the wrong doings they did and make an honest effort to realize them and work towards making them better, or a reality check of some sort. The other reason I believe someone would change themselves is the most obvious. Life. Everyone reaches a point in their lives when they decide who they want to be and what they want to become. Whether what they were doing in the past was making them really happy, and if not, what they could do to change that. (Reading it back again, I guess that's the same as a reality check).

 

Either way, I do not believe a single person could make anyone honestly change. It has to come from really wanting it yourself. Realizing that there is something wrong with you that you don't like. People around you could be telling you your faults until they are blue in the face, but until you realize them yourself, and see them as a fault yourself, nothing will be done to change it.

 

I hope that makes sense. This thread took my mind in so many different directions and I tried to make it all come out the right way.

[Beeotch]

Is the grass always greener?

 

Most certainly NOT! It is not always better as you said but sometimes different. I think that is a fair and accurate assessment. Whereas I suppose in some cases, the relationship is not a good match so they do find that moving to someone else suits them better thus the grass is greener.

 

However, if someone doesn't know what they want and things of that nature (needing to find themselves, bored, etc) it s a problem with them and has nothing to do with anyone else. So for example, if you have unresolved issues you need to work on but you ignore them or aren't aware of them, then you tend to jump from relationship to relationship believing the grass is greener and that something is wrong with your partners...however, eventually you come to realize it is you. Until you realize this you will perhaps always suffer from believing the grass is greener; essentially chasing the UNATTAINABLE but the constant and the problem remains because you can dump a million people but at the end of the day you are still stuck with yourself.

 

 

Do people really change?

 

I think that there are thing that make us us....that are core things, then there are many things that are flexible that evolve, mature, or change all the while. Yes people can change. Life experiences can change you....there have been people who make total 180s for good as well as for bad. I guess this can become a whole philosophical argument....

 

I also think that sometimes we do not necessarily change but become more aware of certain things about us we did not know/pay attention to before. We are all complex with different parts, pieces, identities, layers etc. I do think it is possible to uncover another layer of ourselves that was not exposed before that makes it seem like we have "changed"....I think it is like peeling the skin off of an orange. A peeled orange looks quite different from an orange in the skin....however, essentially it is still the same fruit.

[Quest]

The grass can sometimes be greener and it's good to know that if you've got into the habit of putting up with things you shouldn't. On the other hand, if you've got good self esteem and a relationship that is for the most part good, thinking it could be better 'if ...' is just delusional. Nothing is perfect.

 

People don't change all that easily. It has to come from themselves and it usually takes something major to make them want to do it. It's only when someone's way of living (a product of their character and circumstances) stops working for them and gets painful that they'll really take a long, hard look at themselves and try to change. Even then, that might not be enough. If you steal and get away with it, getting richer and richer, you'll keep stealing. If eventually you get caught and put in prison, that might make you change your ways - if it hurts enough - or it might not.

[GrayClouds]

People don't change but can become a better or worst self depending on consciousness and desire. Not unlike the Enneagram theory of personality.

 

A far as grass, sometimes yes, most of the time it's no. No matter what the relationship it is , at least half of the problem is yourself and you bring that with the next relationship. Unless you are working on your own issues, become aware of them and see how they can effect your choices and behaviors, they will keep creeping any relationship.

[JimmyB26]

My friend mentioned this to me, and it really helped. If someone goes to seek out greener grass on the other side of the fence...suddenly they're on the other side of the fence. What side do you think they're going to be curious about now? The other side...

[silic0ntoad]

Hi Icy- I read your other thread this morning- what's left of my heart goes out to you hun. You will be OK. If that's you in your picture, you are beautiful woman. You'll be fine with time. Just stick to your guns.

 

To answer your questions-

 

The Grass.

 

It's only greener if there was perhaps an abusive part to the prior relationship. The grass between one good relationship and another is never greener than the other. In fact, think of it like patchwork. Some pieces of the green are more vibrant and others more gray. But overall, they are both just as green. It never works out to be what the dumper expects it to be. There are always problems in a relationship. It's just the way of things.

 

As far as people changing? No. Their wants and desires change. They don't change as a whole. It has to be certainly dramatic to change the music they like. The colors they enjoy. I know for sure my ex, if she is with someone else, has fallen right into her normal routine. It's just the way it goes. Sure, some people claim to have changed, but most of the time, they don't. They just use that as a bullsh*t excuse to relieve guilt of telling the honest truth: You don't have, or can't provide, what they desire. Or, they don't care to make you give them what they desire when they can find someone who will.

[adamt]

My ex went through a major ear operation and also seeing her mom get ill and pass away. I do believe it was a life changing experience for her. When i met her she didnt have such a good social life and seemed a bit stuck on her own and looking for a boyfriend. stuck in a rut in her job.SHe was deeply shy.

 

first she moved location and job to be nearer me and her parents. it was a good job with potential. her mom got really ill.She went to the gym and lost weight. she was never into fitness before. She had gone from a settled homely girl who was looking to settle down and have a steady job. she hardly drunk alcohol when i was with her. turned to someone who wanted to do her own thing, doesnt want a boyfriend at the moment, buying an expensive car,ambitious in her job,getting her eyes lasered. She she built her alcohol tollerance level up and started drinking more and going out. Sometimes it feels i was being pushed out and helpless to stop it. Seems she became very selfish and driven to do what she wanted. maybe she is feeling life is too short. She started doing presentations in her job which gave her confidence. then she changed her look and she lost weight which gave her more confidence

 

Who knows how long she will be like this. She is 36 and at somepoint she will want to settle down. I'll probably be moved on by then. Ironically one reason why i was attracted to her was because she was independent and not clingy. Seems like this might have now backfired and been too independent. She has her own house, nice car and good paid job. so can manage on her own.

[jlr]

This is a good thread.

 

I have to agree about the grass being greener. I wish my ex could read some of the responses. She never had a great reason for breaking up after 5 years. Seemed like she just wanted to see what else was out there. That she thought our relationship was good, but not the best she could have. It was sad. It's like she just suddenly went through some phase where she doesn't know what she wants in life anymore. And I got the short end of that stick.

 

Now she's become one of those fake people who just go around saying how great life is, and how awesome she is doing. You know, the one who puts ten exclamation marks after everything? Even though I know, from people who know her, and from her trying to pop into my life in weird ways, that she's full of it. She just doesn't want to deal with the pain, or admit that maybe she f'ed up.

 

Now, she'll be on the eternal path of "the grass is always greener." But, it's not about me, or the next guy she dumps. It's about her. She's never stopped to think about how she played a part in it. What's also weird is that since the time we stopped talking, she'll call me from time to time just to blame me for things, or to make me feel like it was all my fault. It's like her life isn't perfect and she feels guilty, so she calls me to pass those feelings to me, so she can feel better.

 

I guess I feel that these people will eventually be hit with all this one day. But it may be past the point where it's fixable. It's sad that they don't see what they're doing and how destructive it is, not just to those they've dumped, but to themselves too.

 

As for changing. I don't know. I think people can change. But I think alot of people can also make themselves into something else in order to avoid something they don't want to face, you know? I sometimes think my ex is trapped in there somewhere. It's like the things she says now, the way she acts, even her interests....they're so NOT her. It's like, is she acting? Becoming a new person for a new life? Or what if the way she was with me was fake, and the selfish monster she's become is who she really is? It makes my head hurt to think about it. I just wish I could dig the person I knew back out. It sucks.

[caramel c]

This is a good thread.

 

I have to agree about the grass being greener. I wish my ex could read some of the responses. She never had a great reason for breaking up after 5 years. Seemed like she just wanted to see what else was out there. That she thought our relationship was good, but not the best she could have. It was sad. It's like she just suddenly went through some phase where she doesn't know what she wants in life anymore. And I got the short end of that stick.

 

Now she's become one of those fake people who just go around saying how great life is, and how awesome she is doing. You know, the one who puts ten exclamation marks after everything? Even though I know, from people who know her, and from her trying to pop into my life in weird ways, that she's full of it. She just doesn't want to deal with the pain, or admit that maybe she f'ed up.

 

Now, she'll be on the eternal path of "the grass is always greener." But, it's not about me, or the next guy she dumps. It's about her. She's never stopped to think about how she played a part in it. What's also weird is that since the time we stopped talking, she'll call me from time to time just to blame me for things, or to make me feel like it was all my fault. It's like her life isn't perfect and she feels guilty, so she calls me to pass those feelings to me, so she can feel better.

 

I guess I feel that these people will eventually be hit with all this one day. But it may be past the point where it's fixable. It's sad that they don't see what they're doing and how destructive it is, not just to those they've dumped, but to themselves too.

 

As for changing. I don't know. I think people can change. But I think alot of people can also make themselves into something else in order to avoid something they don't want to face, you know? I sometimes think my ex is trapped in there somewhere. It's like the things she says now, the way she acts, even her interests....they're so NOT her. It's like, is she acting? Becoming a new person for a new life? Or what if the way she was with me was fake, and the selfish monster she's become is who she really is? It makes my head hurt to think about it. I just wish I could dig the person I knew back out. It sucks.

 

That last paragraph of yours really hit home with me! I have been wondering about this over the weekend...who are they? who WERE they? Was that them, or their representative? Are they for real? Fakers.

[adamt]

With regards to the last paragraph, I feel did i really know my ex. Was she being herself when with me?Were all those things we talked about and liked doing together just a load of crap. Was she into me as much as she thought. When we talked about planning for the future did she really mean it, or was she just going along with it. Is her change due to being stuck with me and she feels a release and been let loose. Was it all just an act with me. how can someone go from wanting to settle down so easy to a person who wants to be single and just be on her own. We got on so well, but at the end she said we had very little on common. its just so hard to get your head around. Its as if they look at their watch and say casually "right then been nice chatting to you but I've got to go". SOrry for rabbiting on a bit

[jlr]

Its as if they look at their watch and say casually "right then been nice chatting to you but I've got to go". SOrry for rabbiting on a bit

 

How true. It amazes me to this day how she went from saying our love was so amazing and that she always wanted to be with me, to one day basically deciding it wasn't what she wanted. It's like, how does that just happen?

 

I can't see myself doing that to someone. It amazes me how some people's minds work.

[jv032889]

How true. It amazes me to this day how she went from saying our love was so amazing and that she always wanted to be with me, to one day basically deciding it wasn't what she wanted. It's like, how does that just happen?

 

I can't see myself doing that to someone. It amazes me how some people's minds work.

 

Selfish...These people use you until its convenient for them to leave. Feelings do not change over night. Slowly the feelings have been changing then they hit you with "we cant be together" blah blah blah

[VictoryisMine]

The title of the thread got me thinking, i heard this somewhere a long time ago. Don't know if anyone else has....

 

The Grass May Not Be Greener on the Other Side, But at Least I Don't Have To Mow It.

 

Or something like that...

[georgia girl]

Here's my thoughts:

 

The grass can be greener or it can be just a big mud pit. Regardless, someone chooses that the grass is greener and therefore it becomes reality. If it isn't, they regret their decision. If it is, they're happy. IMO, I would rank the choices as:

1) Make a commitment to the side of the fence you're on. Who cares about the other side. You chose and you can put down roots here.

2) If you're going to re-think the decision anyway, go ahead and choose the other side. But then stay there. You were supposed to chose once; you already got an extra turn.

3) Staying on the fence will only leave you with no ground under your feet.

 

As to whether people really change:

 

I don't think you do at your core. If you're nice, your nice. If you have a certain belief system, you keep it. However, I do think we all learn to compromise. Therefore, while our heart's desire says the world should be this one particular way, when we enter a relationship, we alter our priorities. We understand that we don't get everything our way and we learn to compromise. The key is to mutually compromise and to make compromises that are healthy for the relationship and to never ask someone to compromise (or compromise yourself) something that would violate your intrinsic belief of who you are and what you are.

[Beeotch]

The title of the thread got me thinking, i heard this somewhere a long time ago. Don't know if anyone else has....

 

The Grass May Not Be Greener on the Other Side, But at Least I Don't Have To Mow It.

 

Or something like that...

 

That is so true...on another forum I am on, it isn't about break ups....they were asking this question and someone had said that people who often think they grass is greener are those who just don't want to maintain their own grass. It made perfect sense and what you just said is along the same lines.

 

I know for a fact that such is the case with my ex. He is with someone else and when we broke up he said he needed something easy, now he is with a 19 yr old (he is 26) who lives 2 hours away who likes him a lot more than he likes her. He has what is EASY and he doesn't have to mow the grass. She is not around enough, she is much younger and worships him....so it is great for him. Whereas with me he actually had to put in work...I actually called him out on his crap etc so he jumped ship admitting he didn't want to man up....it is kind of funny LMAO.

 

So yes...often the grass is not greener, people just would rather a lawn they didn't have to mow.

[mendsley]

This is a good thread, I ponder this all the time and I still don't have any idea if it's better or not. I think that this question depends on what person you are asking. If you ask me, the guy who was traded in for another model, I would say I HOPE that it is not, but if you ask my EX she would say yes the grass is greener, even if it's not.

 

I think this question is also one of those questions that are answered soley on the emotion that is at hand. Currently the grass is greener for her but as soon as she gets bored or feels the current relationship is not as compatable as she thought, than maybe she would say that the grass is not greener.

 

I know that most of us here who have been dumped are thinking, "I really hope that the grass turns up to be really crappy for the ex" and we can sit back and laugh our asses off , rude I know but hey I'm only human.

[jlr]

 

I know for a fact that such is the case with my ex. He is with someone else and when we broke up he said he needed something easy, now he is with a 19 yr old (he is 26) who lives 2 hours away who likes him a lot more than he likes her. He has what is EASY and he doesn't have to mow the grass. She is not around enough, she is much younger and worships him....so it is great for him. Whereas with me he actually had to put in work...I actually called him out on his crap etc so he jumped ship admitting he didn't want to man up....it is kind of funny LMAO.

 

So yes...often the grass is not greener, people just would rather a lawn they didn't have to mow.

 

Wow. It's like I dated the female equivalent of your ex. She's doing the same now. Something easy. Something that doesn't require any work. She actually said that when she told me about the new guy. And I couldn't agree more - they want a lawn they don't have to mow. Dead on!