lovemyboys Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I would love to go NC. I think I could get over this quicker. But instead I have to deal with him because of the kids. At first he did not want to spend much time with them but I kept encouraging him because I know it's important for the kids to have their Dad. Plus I think the kids stabalize him a bit (he's been having crazy mood swings and I think a form of depression). But these nights without the kids are killing me. I didn't have kids so that I would not see them all the time. It's only two nights a week at this point but it's soo hard. In addition to this (even though just two weeks ago, I begged him to come back and for us to put the family back together) I'm starting to realize the man my husband has turned into is someone I do not like. So between not liking the new him and being worried about his emotional state, I'm a mess these nights without my kids. Argh, I know it would be best for the kids if we could be friendly, but I don't know . . . . . .
Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I think that you are where many of us are...the kids need their father/mother but they are not who they used to be... because you know that NC is not an option got to LC limited contact...speak only about the kids needs...I think if you approach him with saying you think it is good for him and the kids but you are concerned about him being depressed...I know this may not be an option but just a thought...follow 180 the best you can and make a point to contact the kids
Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 sorry 2 yr old playing with buttons on my computer... as I was saying make a point to contact the kids to say goodnight or if they are in school find out how their day was...I think that will help you and them too...
Trimmer Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I've had a couple of posts where I've talked about my own journey in this area, as I have very strong feelings and opinions about the responsibilities of separated and divorced parents to their children. Although I talk from the male perspective, my ideas still apply if you swap the genders - it works either way... Check out some of my thoughts here , here, and here. These posts kind of repeat themselves, but they are in slightly different contexts in each thread.
Author lovemyboys Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks all, thanks Trimmer, I get what you are saying and I have worked really hard to ensure the realtionship between my boys and their Dad goes on, no matter what happens with our relationship. I do try to keep our interactions calm and about the kids, but he is so angry and will not even look at me most of the time we talk. I don't get his anger. He's the one who chose to leave, he's the one who had an EA and decided he couldn't live without her. It sounds like his EA has left the picture. He almost left town about two weeks ago. He called me and said "he would not be available for the boys anymore" I called his cell several times and finally he responded to my calls and I explained how much the boys needed a Dad in their life, how important it was for him to stick around. I even asked him to come back home, we could go to counselling, work everything out which he quickly rejected. But he did return and seems calmer now, although still really angry. It is so hard giving up on the picture of a family you thought you had, the way you thought you would raise your kids. I'm sitting in our house this morning all by myself and wondering, why did this have to happen.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Hey love I get it because I am there most mornings too...I can't give up on the picture of my family either and never thought J would up and drive out of town multiple times to get a "break" (expensive with the price of gas)...for your sanity don't beg him or ask him to come back, he needs to come to the conclusion on his own to be there for the boys...if he leaves that is his decision and you will not have to worry about the boys and his mood swings...you will be okay (hard to think of things that way for me even and I only have a 2 yr old)
Trimmer Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I don't get his anger. He's the one who chose to leave, he's the one who had an EA and decided he couldn't live without her. It sounds like his EA has left the picture. He almost left town about two weeks ago. He called me and said "he would not be available for the boys anymore" I called his cell several times and finally he responded to my calls and I explained how much the boys needed a Dad in their life, how important it was for him to stick around. I even asked him to come back home, we could go to counselling, work everything out which he quickly rejected. But he did return and seems calmer now, although still really angry. Wow... Well, his anger, while so clearly misdirected, is probably not too surprising. He's probably in a place that he never thought he would be, and it isn't turning out to be the fantasy he imagined, and he's probably pretty pissed about that. Really, it's about him, but it's our nature to look for someone else to blame before we realizes that a situation like this is of our own making. And the whole "I'm leaving" thing has the feel of emotional blackmail, with the kids right in the middle. I tend to agree with Aurora - don't beg or plead with him to come back, because you may just be feeding his need for an ego boost, and reinforcing the idea that the emotional blackmail gets a result. Plus, if he comes back "for you" then when he's unhappy, no matter how irrational it is, he can put the blame right back on you. However, I think you can let him know that while it's his choice, and that he shouldn't do it for you, he really needs to consider what his responsibility is to the kids and the effect that his leaving would have on them. He really sounds like he has some serious issues to figure out, between the misdirected anger, the threatening to abandon his kids... Take my advice here with a grain of salt because I'm just going on my gut feel. It may not be a bad idea for you to see a counselor if you can, and run some of this by him/her to get some feedback. I just hate the emotional blackmail thing, and especially despise anything that puts the kids in the middle of these kinds of situations. It is so hard giving up on the picture of a family you thought you had, the way you thought you would raise your kids. Boy, I am always really careful when I say "I know how you feel" because usually I'm just imagining how somebody probably feels, when I haven't really been there myself. But damn, I know exactly how you feel. That's exactly it. I've worked through so much of this, and I've really come to peace with it, even having a good working relationship with the new guy, who is a defacto parent of my children in her household. Everything else I could eventually come to grips with - life is about change; I know that. But yeah, this isn't the way I imagined raising my kids. I'm not bitter about it, or angry about it any more, and I know I can do it - that we can do it as parents even if we're not spouses any more - but no, there will be that one little part that I won't every get past, I don't think. This isn't what I wanted for my kids. Having said that, it is working, it can work, and you will, I hope, reach a place of peace and feeling like your kids are moving forward in a healthy way.
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 You suck it up no matter what! And put them first!
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Wow... Well, his anger, while so clearly misdirected, is probably not too surprising. He's probably in a place that he never thought he would be, and it isn't turning out to be the fantasy he imagined, and he's probably pretty pissed about that. Really, it's about him, but it's our nature to look for someone else to blame before we realizes that a situation like this is of our own making. And the whole "I'm leaving" thing has the feel of emotional blackmail, with the kids right in the middle. I tend to agree with Aurora - don't beg or plead with him to come back, because you may just be feeding his need for an ego boost, and reinforcing the idea that the emotional blackmail gets a result. Plus, if he comes back "for you" then when he's unhappy, no matter how irrational it is, he can put the blame right back on you. However, I think you can let him know that while it's his choice, and that he shouldn't do it for you, he really needs to consider what his responsibility is to the kids and the effect that his leaving would have on them. He really sounds like he has some serious issues to figure out, between the misdirected anger, the threatening to abandon his kids... Take my advice here with a grain of salt because I'm just going on my gut feel. It may not be a bad idea for you to see a counselor if you can, and run some of this by him/her to get some feedback. I just hate the emotional blackmail thing, and especially despise anything that puts the kids in the middle of these kinds of situations. Boy, I am always really careful when I say "I know how you feel" because usually I'm just imagining how somebody probably feels, when I haven't really been there myself. But damn, I know exactly how you feel. That's exactly it. I've worked through so much of this, and I've really come to peace with it, even having a good working relationship with the new guy, who is a defacto parent of my children in her household. Everything else I could eventually come to grips with - life is about change; I know that. But yeah, this isn't the way I imagined raising my kids. I'm not bitter about it, or angry about it any more, and I know I can do it - that we can do it as parents even if we're not spouses any more - but no, there will be that one little part that I won't every get past, I don't think. This isn't what I wanted for my kids. Having said that, it is working, it can work, and you will, I hope, reach a place of peace and feeling like your kids are moving forward in a healthy way. You suck it up! You deal with it! You become a bigger part of yourself! Of something else! You become bigger than yourself! A "Greater" part than the whole! "FOR NO OTHER Greater Scarifice for one to lay down his OWN LIFE, FOR THAN THAT OF ANOTHER!"
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Yes SIR! thanks Gunny...thanks Trimmer...thanks Love you have made me feel so much better for what I have been going thru lately...Love I just like Trimmer "I know exactly how you feel" we are not alone and yet it is ours we are dealing with...I have had so much happen just like you Love and can't believe that this is the man I wanted to have kids with and would change so quickly on me and blame me for everything...just looking at my posts today I can't believe what I have been thru.
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